Old  August 3rd, 2017, 10:47am     #946
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my apologies if this political cartoon offends, but I couldn't resist ...



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  Old  August 8th, 2017, 10:01am     #947
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  Old  August 9th, 2017, 10:02am     #948
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  Old  August 10th, 2017, 11:19pm     #949
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  Old  August 11th, 2017, 11:14am     #950
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Gardening Rule: When weeding, the best way to make sure you are removing a weed and not a valuable plant is to pull on it. If it comes out of the ground easily, it is a valuable plant.

The easiest way to find something lost around the house is to buy a replacement.

~ Give a person a fish and you feed them for a day; teach that person to use the Internet and they won't bother you for weeks.

~ Have you noticed since everyone has a camcorder these days no one talks about seeing UFOs like they used to?

~ Why does a slight tax increase cost you two hundred dollars and a substantial tax cut saves you thirty cents?

~ Politics is supposed to be the second oldest profession. I have come to realize that it bears a very close resemblance to the first.

~ How is it one careless match can start a forest fire, but it takes a whole box to start a campfire?

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  Old  August 11th, 2017, 4:00pm     #951
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A lonely 70-year-old widow decided that it was time to marry again. She put an ad in the local newspaper that read: “Husband wanted!

Must be in my age group, must not beat me, must not run around on me and must still be good in bed. All applicants please apply in person.” The following day, she heard the doorbell. Much to her dismay, she opened the door to see a gray-haired gentleman sitting in a wheelchair. He had no arms or legs.“You’re not really asking me to consider you, are you?” the widow asked: “Just look at you — you have no legs!”
The old gent smiled: “Therefore, I cannot run around on you!”
“You don’t have any arms either!” she snorted.

Again, the old man smiled: “Therefore, I can never beat you!”
She raised an eyebrow and asked intently: “Are you still good in bed?”
The old man leaned back, beamed a big smile and said: “I rang the doorbell, didn’t I?”
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  Old  August 12th, 2017, 5:18pm     #952
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‎"A keen sense of humor helps us to overlook the unbecoming, understand the unconventional, tolerate the unpleasant, overcome the unexpected and outlast the unbearable." ~ Billy Graham
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  Old  August 12th, 2017, 10:55pm     #953
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  Old  August 13th, 2017, 10:27am     #954
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  Old  August 14th, 2017, 12:39pm     #955
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A young monk arrives at the monastery. He is assigned to helping the other monks in copying the old canons and laws of the church by hand.

He notices, however, that all of the monks are copying from copies, not from the original manuscript. So the new monk goes to the head abbot to question this, pointing out that if someone made even a small error in the first copy, it would never be picked up! In fact, that error would be continued in all of the subsequent copies.

The head monk, says, ‘We have been copying from the copies for centuries, but you make a good point, my son.’

He goes down into the dark caves underneath the monastery where the original manuscripts are held as archives in a locked vault that hasn’t been opened for hundreds of years.

Hours go by and nobody sees the old abbot. So, the young monk gets worried and goes down to look for him. He sees him banging his head against the wall and wailing.

‘We missed the R! We missed the R! We missed the R!!!’

His forehead is all bloody and bruised and he is crying uncontrollably. The young monk asks the old abbot, ‘What’s wrong, father?’

With a choking and tear filled voice, the Abbot screams: “The word was… the word was… celebrate.”

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  Old  August 14th, 2017, 3:27pm     #956
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  Old  August 14th, 2017, 11:02pm     #957
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How do you get two whales in a car?
Start in England and drive west.

~~~~~~~

What do the movies Titanic and the Sixth Sense have in common?
Icy dead people.

~~~~~~~

A guy walks into a bar and orders a fruit punch.
The bartender says "Pal, if you want a punch you'll have to stand in line."
The guy looks around, but there is no punch line.


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  Old  August 20th, 2017, 12:39pm     #958
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Why does a moon rock taste better than an Earth rock?
It’s a little meteor.


Boy: Dad, can you tell me what an eclipse is?
Dad: No sun.


Jupiter to moon on Aug. 21: Do you remember the sun?
Moon: No, I blocked it out.

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  Old  August 22nd, 2017, 10:43am     #959
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A taxi passenger taps the driver on the shoulder to ask him a question.

The driver screams, loses control of the car, nearly hits a bus, goes up on the footpath, and stops centimeters from a shop window.

For a second, everything goes quiet in the cab, then the driver says, "Look mate, don't ever do that again. You scared the daylights out of me!"

The passenger apologizes and says, "I didn't realize that a little tap would scare you so much.”

The driver replies, "Sorry, it's not really your fault. Today is my first day as a cab driver. I've been driving a funeral van for the last 25 years."

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  Old  August 22nd, 2017, 10:49pm     #960
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