Old  March 15th, 2018, 8:12am     #1066
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Ice Cream Fever
Posted: 15 Mar 2018 12:30 AM PDT



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  Old  March 15th, 2018, 8:14am     #1067
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Me: What's the wifi password?

Bartender: You need to buy a drink first.

Me: Okay, I'll have a coke.

Bartender: Is Pepsi okay?

Me: Sure. How much is that?

Bartender: $3.

Me: There you go. So what's the wifi password?

Bartender: Youneedtobuyadrinkfirst - no spaces, all lowercase.

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  Old  March 20th, 2018, 1:26pm     #1068
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  Old  March 21st, 2018, 12:47pm     #1069
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😂

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  Old  March 22nd, 2018, 10:02am     #1070
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A man lay sprawled across three entire seats in a theater. When the usher came by and noticed this, he whispered to the man, "Sorry, sir, but you're only allowed one seat." The man groaned but didn't budge. The usher became impatient.

"Sir," the usher said, "if you don't get up from there I'm going to have to call the manager."

Again, the man just groaned, which infuriated the usher who turned and marched briskly back up the aisle in search of his manager. In a few moments, both the usher and the manager returned and stood over the man. Together the two of them tried repeatedly to move him, but with no success. Finally, they summoned the police.

The cop surveyed the situation briefly then asked, "All right buddy, what's your name?" "Sam," the man moaned. "Where ya from, Sam?" the cop asked.

And with pain in his voice, Sam replied, "The balcony."

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  Old  March 24th, 2018, 3:40pm     #1071
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  Old  March 26th, 2018, 12:53pm     #1072
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One day, a little old lady went to see the doctor.

The kindly medical professional asked her, “What seems to be the problem, dear?”

She said, “Doctor, I have this problem with gas, but it really doesn’t bother me too much.

“My farts never smell, and are always silent.

“As a matter of fact, I’ve farted at least 20 times since I’ve been here in your office. You didn’t know I was farting because they don’t smell and are silent.”

The doctor said, “I see. Take these pills and come back to see me next week.”

The next week, the little old lady returned for her follow-up appointment.

“Doctor,” she said, “I don’t know what you gave me, but now my farts, although still silent, stink terribly."

The doctor said: “Good! Now that we’ve cleared up your sinuses, let’s work on your hearing.”

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  Old  March 29th, 2018, 8:44am     #1073
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Don’t understand genetics?

It’s not unusual ...

XX = Female

XY = Male

YYY = Delilah

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  Old  March 29th, 2018, 8:53am     #1074
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Yesterday I saw an ad that said,
"Radio for Sale, $1. Volume stuck on full."

Of course, I bought it.
I couldn't turn it down.

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  Old  March 31st, 2018, 9:46am     #1075
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A man goes into the doctor. He says, "Doc, you gotta check my leg. Something's wrong. Just put your ear up to my thigh, you'll hear it!"

The doctor cautiously placed his ear to the man's thigh only to hear, "Gimme 20 bucks, I really need 20 bucks."

"I've never seen or heard anything like this before, how long has this been going on." The doctor asked.

"That's nothing Doc. put your ear to my knee."

The doctor put his ear to the man's knee and heard it say "Man, I really need 10 dollars, just lend me 10 bucks!!"

"Sir, I really don't know what to tell you. I've never seen anything like this." The doctor was dumbfounded.

"Wait Doc, that's not it. There's more, just put your ear up to my ankle," the man urged him.

The doctor did as the man said and was blown away to hear his ankle plead, "Please, I just need 5 dollars. Lend me 5 bucks please if you will."

I have no idea what to tell you," the doctor said. "There's nothing about it in my books," he said as he frantically searched all his medical reference books. "I can make an educated guess though."

"Based on life and all my previous experience, I can tell you that your leg seems to be broke in three places."


~~~~~~


You can tell a lot about a woman from her ankles. – If they are on your shoulders, she probably likes you.

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  Old  April 2nd, 2018, 8:20am     #1076
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  Old  April 4th, 2018, 9:41am     #1077
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After a particularly poor game of golf, a popular club member skipped the clubhouse and started to go home.

As he was walking to the parking lot to get his car, a policeman stopped him and asked, "Did you tee off on the sixteenth hole about twenty minutes ago?"

"Yes," the golfer responded.

"Did you happen to hook your ball so that it went over the trees and off the course?" the cop asked.

"Yes, I did. How did you know?" the golfer asked.

"Well," said the policeman very seriously, "Your ball flew out onto the highway and crashed through a driver's windshield. The car went out of control, crashing into five other cars and a fire truck. The fire truck couldn't make it to the fire, and the building burned down. So, what are you going to do about it?"

The golfer thought it over carefully and responded, "I think I'll close my stance a little bit, tighten my grip and lower my right thumb."

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  Old  April 5th, 2018, 2:06pm     #1078
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The American Kennel club has decided to recognize these new breeds of Dogs that are the result of cross breeding:

Collie + Lhaso Apso: Collapso, a dog that folds up for easy transport.

Spitz + Chow Chow: Spitz-Chow, a dog that throws up alot.

Bloodhound + Borzoi: Bloody Bore, a dog that's not much fun.

Pointer + Setter: Poinsetter, a traditional Christmas pet.

Kerry Blue Terrier + Skye Terrier: Blue Skye, a dog for visionaries.

Pekingese + Lhaso Apso: Peekasso, an abstract dog.

Labrador Retriever + Curly Coated Retriever:Lab Coat Retriever, the choice
of research scientists.

Newfoundland + Basset Hound: Newfound Asset Hound,a dog for financial advisers.

Terrier + Bulldog: Terribull, a dog that makes awful mistakes.

Bloodhound + Labrador: Blabrador, a dog that barks incessantly.

Malamute + Pointer: Moot Point, owned by...oh, well, it doesn't matter anyway.

Collie + Malamute: Commute, a dog that travels to work.

Deerhound + Terrier: Derriere, a dog that's true to the end.

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  Old  April 6th, 2018, 11:56am     #1079
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so silly ...

A man is driving along a highway and sees a rabbit jump out across the middle of the road. He swerves to avoid hitting it, but unfortunately the rabbit jumps right in front of the car.

The driver, a sensitive man as well as an animal lover, pulls over and gets out to see what has become of the rabbit. Much to his dismay, the rabbit is dead. The driver feels so awful that he begins to cry.

A beautiful blonde woman driving down the highway sees the man crying on the side of the road and pulls over. She steps out of her car and asks the man what's wrong.

"I feel terrible," he explains,"I accidentally hit this rabbit and killed it."

The blonde says, "Don't worry."

She runs to her car and pulls out a spray can. She walks over to the limp, dead rabbit, bends down, and sprays the contents onto the rabbit. The rabbit jumps up, waves its paw at the two of them and hops off down the road.

Ten feet away the rabbit stops, turns around and waves again, he hops down the road another 10 feet, turns and waves, hops another ten feet, turns and waves, and repeats this again and again and again, until he hops out of sight.

The man is astonished. He runs over to the woman and demands, "What is in that can? What did you spray on that rabbit!?"

The woman turns the can around so that the man can read the label.

It says ...

Hair Spray — Restores life to dead hair, and adds permanent wave.

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  Old  April 14th, 2018, 8:32am     #1080
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