Old  December 28th, 2017, 2:32pm     #1051
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Hi, Fred, this is Alan next door.
I have a confession to make. I have been riddled with guilt these past few months and have been trying to get up the courage to tell you face-to-face, but I am at least telling you in a text as I cannot live with myself a moment longer without you knowing. The truth is I have been sharing your wife, day and night when you’re not around. In fact, probably more than you. I haven’t been getting it at home recently, but I know that’s no excuse. The temptation was just too great. I can no longer live with the guilt and hope that you will accept my sincerest apology and forgive me. It won’t happen again. Please suggest a fee for usage and I’ll pay you.
Regards, Alan.

NEIGHBOR’S RESPONSE*
Fred, feeling so angered and betrayed, then grabbed his gun and shot his neighbour Alan dead. He returned home, poured himself a stiff drink, and sat down on the sofa. Fred took out his phone where he saw a second message from Alan.

SECOND MESSAGE*
Hi, Fred, this is Alan next door, again.
Sorry about the typo on my last text. I expect that you figured it out and noticed that darned Auto-Correct changed “wi-fi” to “wife.” That’s today’s technology for you, hey?
Regards, Alan

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  Old  December 30th, 2017, 1:33am     #1052
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There’s this guy who had been lost and walking in the desert for about 2 weeks. One hot day, he sees the home of a missionary. Tired and weak, he crawls up to the house and collapses on the doorstep. The missionary finds him and nurses him back to health.

Feeling better, the man asks the missionary for directions to the nearest town. On his way out the back door, he sees this horse. He goes back into the house and asks the missionary, “Could I borrow your horse and give it back when I reach the town?”

The missionary says, “Sure but there is a special thing about this horse. You have to say ‘Thank God’ to make it go and ‘Amen’ to make it stop.” Not paying much attention, the man says, “Sure, ok.”
So, he gets on the horse and says, “Thank God” and the horse starts walking.

Then he says, “Thank God, Thank God, ” and the horse starts trotting. Feeling really brave, the man says, “Thank God, Thank God, Thank God, Thank God, Thank God” and the horse just literally takes off.

Pretty soon he sees this cliff coming up and he’s doing everything he can to make the horse stop. “Whoa, stop, hold on!!!!” Finally, he remembers, “AMEN!!” The horse stops 4 inches from the cliff. The man leans back in the saddle and says, “Thank God”.

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  Old  January 1st, 2018, 10:04am     #1053
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  Old  January 1st, 2018, 10:19am     #1054
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Guy walks into a bar and orders a fruit punch.
Bartender says “Pal, if you want a punch you’ll have to stand in line”
Guy looks around, but there is no punch line.

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  Old  January 2nd, 2018, 9:03am     #1055
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These days it's a good idea to dress in layers.


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  Old  January 2nd, 2018, 10:42am     #1056
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  Old  January 3rd, 2018, 9:47am     #1057
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the essence of a sense of humor ...

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  Old  January 3rd, 2018, 10:08am     #1058
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  Old  January 3rd, 2018, 2:37pm     #1059
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A married Irishman went into the confessional and said to his priest, ‘I almost had an affair with another woman.’

The priest said, ‘What do you mean, almost?’

The Irishman said, ‘Well, we got undressed and rubbed together, but then I stopped.’

The priest said, ‘Rubbing together is the same as putting it in. You’re not to see that woman again. For your penance, say five Hail Mary’s and put $50 in the poor box.’

The Irishman left the confessional, said his prayers, and then walked over to the poor box.

He paused for a moment and then started to leave.

The priest, who was watching, quickly ran over to him saying, ‘I saw that. You didn’t put any money in the poor box!’

The Irishman replied, ‘Yeah, but I rubbed the $50 on the box, and according to you, that’s the same as putting it in!’

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  Old  January 4th, 2018, 2:03am     #1060
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A blonde, a redhead, and a brunette were all lost in the desert. They found a lamp and rubbed it. A genie popped out and granted them each one wish. The redhead wished to be back home. Poof! She was back home. The brunette wished to be at home with her family. Poof! She was back home with her family. The blonde said, "Awwww, I wish my friends were here."

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  Old  January 4th, 2018, 10:08am     #1061
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I never heard that one.

You made your first post a joke - what a great start!

Thanks Chris, and welcome to OLS.

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  Old  January 8th, 2018, 2:29pm     #1062
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  Old  January 10th, 2018, 9:45am     #1063
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Spectickles from cartoonist Bill Abbott.

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  Old  January 11th, 2018, 7:03pm     #1064
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The Doctor said: “The good news is I can cure your headaches…The bad news is that it will require castration. You have a very rare condition which causes your testicles to press up against the base of your spine and the pressure creates one hell of a headache.

The only way to relieve the pressure is to remove the testicles.” Joe was shocked and depressed. He wondered if he had anything to live for. He couldn’t concentrate long enough to answer, but decided he had no choice but to go under the knife.

When he left the hospital, he was headache free for the first time in over 20 years, but he felt as if he was missing an important part of himself. As he walked down the street he realized he felt like a different person. He could make a new beginning and live a new life.

He saw a men’s clothing store and thought, “That’s what I need, a new suit.” The elderly salesman eyed him quickly and said, “Let’s see, you’re a size 44 long.”Joe laughed and said, “That’s right, how did you know?”“Been in the business 60 years!” Joe tried on the suit. It fit perfectly.

As Joe admired himself in the mirror, the tailor asked, “How about a new shirt?” Joe thought for a moment and then said, “Sure.” “Let’s see, 16 and a half neck, 34 sleeve.” Joe was surprised. “How did you know?” “Been in the business 60 years.” The shirt fit perfectly.

As Joe looked at himself in the mirror, the salesman said, “You could use new shoes.” Since Joe was on a roll, he said, “Sure.” The man eyed Joe’s feet and said, “9-1/2E.” Joe was astonished. “That’s right. How did you know?” “Been in the business 60 years.” Joe tried on the shoes and they also fit perfectly.

As Joe walked comfortably around the shop, the salesman asked, “How about new underwear?” Joe thought for a second and said, “Why not.” The man stepped back, eyed Joe’s waist and said, “Let’s see, size 36.”

Joe laughed. “Finally I’ve got you! I’ve worn size 32 since I was 18 years old.” The tailor shook his head. “You can’t wear a size 32. Size 32 underwear would press your testicles against the base of your spine and give you one hell of a headache.”

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  Old  January 13th, 2018, 9:09am     #1065
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