Old  January 2nd, 2018, 8:03am     #1006
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These days it's a good idea to dress in layers.


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  Old  January 3rd, 2018, 8:47am     #1007
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the essence of a sense of humor ...

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  Old  January 3rd, 2018, 9:08am     #1008
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  Old  January 3rd, 2018, 1:37pm     #1009
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A married Irishman went into the confessional and said to his priest, ‘I almost had an affair with another woman.’

The priest said, ‘What do you mean, almost?’

The Irishman said, ‘Well, we got undressed and rubbed together, but then I stopped.’

The priest said, ‘Rubbing together is the same as putting it in. You’re not to see that woman again. For your penance, say five Hail Mary’s and put $50 in the poor box.’

The Irishman left the confessional, said his prayers, and then walked over to the poor box.

He paused for a moment and then started to leave.

The priest, who was watching, quickly ran over to him saying, ‘I saw that. You didn’t put any money in the poor box!’

The Irishman replied, ‘Yeah, but I rubbed the $50 on the box, and according to you, that’s the same as putting it in!’

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  Old  January 4th, 2018, 1:03am     #1010
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A blonde, a redhead, and a brunette were all lost in the desert. They found a lamp and rubbed it. A genie popped out and granted them each one wish. The redhead wished to be back home. Poof! She was back home. The brunette wished to be at home with her family. Poof! She was back home with her family. The blonde said, "Awwww, I wish my friends were here."

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  Old  January 10th, 2018, 8:45am     #1011
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Spectickles from cartoonist Bill Abbott.

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  Old  January 11th, 2018, 6:03pm     #1012
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The Doctor said: “The good news is I can cure your headaches…The bad news is that it will require castration. You have a very rare condition which causes your testicles to press up against the base of your spine and the pressure creates one hell of a headache.

The only way to relieve the pressure is to remove the testicles.” Joe was shocked and depressed. He wondered if he had anything to live for. He couldn’t concentrate long enough to answer, but decided he had no choice but to go under the knife.

When he left the hospital, he was headache free for the first time in over 20 years, but he felt as if he was missing an important part of himself. As he walked down the street he realized he felt like a different person. He could make a new beginning and live a new life.

He saw a men’s clothing store and thought, “That’s what I need, a new suit.” The elderly salesman eyed him quickly and said, “Let’s see, you’re a size 44 long.”Joe laughed and said, “That’s right, how did you know?”“Been in the business 60 years!” Joe tried on the suit. It fit perfectly.

As Joe admired himself in the mirror, the tailor asked, “How about a new shirt?” Joe thought for a moment and then said, “Sure.” “Let’s see, 16 and a half neck, 34 sleeve.” Joe was surprised. “How did you know?” “Been in the business 60 years.” The shirt fit perfectly.

As Joe looked at himself in the mirror, the salesman said, “You could use new shoes.” Since Joe was on a roll, he said, “Sure.” The man eyed Joe’s feet and said, “9-1/2E.” Joe was astonished. “That’s right. How did you know?” “Been in the business 60 years.” Joe tried on the shoes and they also fit perfectly.

As Joe walked comfortably around the shop, the salesman asked, “How about new underwear?” Joe thought for a second and said, “Why not.” The man stepped back, eyed Joe’s waist and said, “Let’s see, size 36.”

Joe laughed. “Finally I’ve got you! I’ve worn size 32 since I was 18 years old.” The tailor shook his head. “You can’t wear a size 32. Size 32 underwear would press your testicles against the base of your spine and give you one hell of a headache.”

‎"A keen sense of humor helps us to overlook the unbecoming, understand the unconventional, tolerate the unpleasant, overcome the unexpected and outlast the unbearable." ~ Billy Graham
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  Old  January 13th, 2018, 8:09am     #1013
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  Old  January 15th, 2018, 8:47am     #1014
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We went to breakfast at a restaurant where the ‘Senior Special' was two eggs, bacon, hash browns and toast for $2.99.

"Sounds good," my wife said, "but I don't want the eggs."

"Then I'll have to charge you $3.49 because you're ordering a la carte," the waitress warned her.

"You mean I'd have to pay more for not taking the eggs?" my wife asked incredulously.

"Yes," said the waitress.

"I'll take the special, then," my wife said.

"How do you want your eggs?" the waitress asked.

"Raw and in the shell," my wife replied.

She took the two eggs home and baked a cake.


~~~~~~~~~

I was going to tell you a joke about an egg,
but it's not all it's cracked up to be.


Eggs are going up again.
That'll surprise a few chickens.


I steal my eggs from my next door neighbor.
I prefer them poached.


A woman takes her son to the doctor's and tells the doctor that he thinks he's a chicken.
The doctor asks, "How long has he been like this?"
The woman replies, "Three years."
The doctor exclaims, "Three years! Why didn't you bring him in sooner?"
The woman says, "We needed the eggs."


It's my first day on the fishing boat and everyone keeps asking if I've found my sea legs. I'm not falling for it though. I know for a fact that seals don't lay eggs.


I saw a sign earlier that said, "Free Range Eggs."
I've never heard of Range Eggs before but at least
they were free so I took some.


Eggs - the original boneless chicken.

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  Old  January 15th, 2018, 1:22pm     #1015
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A tom cat and a tabby cat were courting on a back fence at night.

The tom leaned over to the tabby with pent up passion and purred... "I'd die for you."

The tabby gazed at him from under lowered eye lids and asked, "How many times?"

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  Old  January 17th, 2018, 1:59pm     #1016
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One day a college professor of Psychology was greeting his new college class.

He stood up in front of the class and said, “Would everyone who thinks he or she is stupid please stand up?”

After a minute or so of silence, a young man stood up.

“Well, good morning. So, you actually think you’re a moron?” the professor asked.

The kid replied, “No sir, I just didn’t want to see you standing there all by yourself.”

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  Old  January 18th, 2018, 8:26am     #1017
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  Old  January 22nd, 2018, 12:31am     #1018
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Lotsa one liners here.

America: Love it or give it back.
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  Old  January 22nd, 2018, 9:22am     #1019
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A photographer, who was also a confirmed atheist, decided to go into the woods to get photos of the fall foliage. It was a beautiful day: fall colors, birds chirping, babbling brook, and a gentle breeze rustling the leaves.

While snapping shots, the photographer heard a noise behind him, and whirled around to see a huge bear coming through the bushes.

He dropped his camera and ran. And kept running and running… And looking behind him, he noticed the bear was gaining on him! He was so scared that tears came to his eyes. He ran faster, but the bear was closing in on him. He ran faster yet, and tripped over a root. Rolling over onto his back, the man saw the bear rise to his full height and raise a huge paw… and the atheist cried out, “Oh, God, no!”

And everything stopped. The birds stopped chirping. The brook stopped babbling. The gentle breeze stopped. And the bear froze with his paw in the air. And the man heard a booming voice say, “Young man. For years you’ve doubted my very existence, but now that your life is in peril you call my name to help you. Why should I do so?”

And the man thought for a moment, and said, “Yes, you are right. If you are God, then it would be hypocritical of me to become a Christian at this point in my life. But, do you think that you could at least make the bear a Christian for today?” And the booming voice was quiet for a moment and then said, “Done.”

And everything started again. The birds chirping, brook babbling, and gentle breeze rustling the leaves. And the bear slowly lowered his paw. Then the bear put his paws together, and bowed his massive head and said, “Dear Lord, please bless this food we are about to eat.”

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  Old  January 22nd, 2018, 10:22am     #1020
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