Old  October 5th, 2017, 9:26am     #991
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A flight was on its way to Los Angeles when one of its pilots came and said, "I'm sorry to inform you that one of the flight's engines has stopped functioning. This is no cause for concern because we have three more engines. However, the flight will just be delayed by an hour".

Shortly afterwards, the pilot reappears and says, "I'm terribly sorry, but a second engine on this plane has stopped functioning. There is no danger; this plane can fly quite normally on two engines. However, the flight will now be delayed for two hours."

After about twenty minutes, the pilot comes and says, "I'm afraid that the third engine has stopped functioning as well, but we have one more engine functioning well. The flight will just be delayed for a couple of hours more."

A blonde passenger at the back of the flight turns to another passenger and says angrily, "I hope that last engine doesn't stop functioning! We'll be stuck here all day!"

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  Old  October 5th, 2017, 7:27pm     #992
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Q: Why did the bubblegum cross the road?
A: Because it was stuck to the chicken's foot.

Q: Two tigers were eating a clown. What did one of the tigers say to the other?
A: "Does this taste funny to you?"

Q: What do you call a bear with no teeth?
A: A gummy bear!

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  Old  October 5th, 2017, 9:47pm     #993
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  Old  October 7th, 2017, 11:19am     #994
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When Albert Einstein was making the rounds of the speaker’s circuit, he usually found himself eagerly longing to get back to his laboratory work. One night as they were driving to yet another dinner, Einstein mentioned to his chauffeur (a man who somewhat resembled Einstein in looks & manner) that he was tired of speech-making.

“I have an idea, boss,” his chauffeur said. “I’ve heard you give this speech so many times, I’ll bet I could give it for you.”

Einstein laughed loudly and said, “Why not? Let’s do it!”

When they arrived at the dinner, Einstein donned the chauffeur’s cap and jacket and sat in the back of the room. The chauffeur gave a beautiful rendition of Einstein’s speech and even answered a few questions expertly.

Then a supremely pompous professor asked an extremely esoteric question about antimatter formation, digressing here and there to let everyone in the audience know that he was nobody’s fool.

Without missing a beat, the chauffeur fixed the professor with a steely stare and said, “Sir, the answer to that question is so simple that I will let my chauffeur, who is sitting in the back, answer it for me.”

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  Old  October 7th, 2017, 11:27am     #995
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  Old  October 8th, 2017, 4:05pm     #996
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  Old  October 8th, 2017, 4:09pm     #997
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  Old  October 9th, 2017, 10:00am     #998
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A small tourist hotel was all abuzz about an afternoon wedding where the groom was 95 years old and the bride was 23. The groom looked pretty feeble and the feeling was that the wedding night might kill him, because his bride was a healthy, vivacious young woman.

But lo and behold, the next morning, the bride came down the main staircase slowly, step by step, hanging onto the banister for dear life.

She finally managed to get to the counter of the little shop in the hotel. The clerk looked really concerned, “Whatever happened to you, honey? You look like you’ve been wrestling an alligator!”

The bride groaned, hung on to the counter and managed to speak, “Ohhh God! He told me he’d been saving up for 75 years, and I thought he meant his money!!”

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  Old  October 13th, 2017, 11:25am     #999
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  Old  October 13th, 2017, 1:08pm     #1000
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An attorney arrived home late, after a very tough day trying to get a stay of execution. His last minute plea for clemency to the governor had failed and he was feeling worn out and depressed.

As soon as he walked through the door at home, his wife started on him about, "What time of night to be getting home is this? Where have you been? Dinner is cold and I'm not reheating it."

And on and on and on. Too shattered to play his usual role in this familiar ritual, he poured himself a shot of whiskey and headed off for a long hot soak in the bathtub, pursued by the predictable sarcastic remarks as he dragged himself up the stairs. While he was in the bath, the phone rang.

The wife answered and was told that her husband's client, James Wright, had been granted a stay of execution after all. Wright would not be hanged tonight.

Finally realizing what a terrible day he must have had, she decided to go upstairs and give him the good news. As she opened the bathroom door, she was greeted by the sight of her husband, bent over naked, drying his legs and feet.
"They're not hanging Wright tonight," she said. He whirled around and yelled, "FOR THE LOVE OF GOD WOMAN, DON'T YOU EVER STOP?!"

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  Old  October 13th, 2017, 10:41pm     #1001
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  Old  October 14th, 2017, 9:20pm     #1002
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Do you know what the psychiatrist said to a male patient who showed up in saran wrap? I can clearly see you're nuts.

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  Old  October 17th, 2017, 11:19am     #1003
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A nun was going to Chicago. She went to the airport and sat down, waiting for her flight. She looked over in the corner and saw one of those weight machines that tells your fortune. So, she thought to herself, "I'll give it a try just to see what it tells me."

She went over to the machine and put her nickel in and out came a card that said, "You're a nun. You weigh 128 lbs., and you are going to Chicago, Illinois."

She sat back down and thought about it. She told herself it probably tells everyone the same thing, but decided to try it again. She put her nickel in, and out came a card that read, "You're a nun. You weigh 128 lbs. You're going to Chicago, Illinois, and you are going to play a fiddle."

The nun said to herself, "I know that's wrong. I have never played a musical instrument a day in my life." She sat back down. From out of nowhere, a cowboy came over and set his fiddle case down next to her. The nun picked up the fiddle and started playing beautiful music.

Startled, she look back at the machine and said, "This is incredible! I've got to try it again!
Back to the machine she went, put her nickel in, and another card came out. It said, "You're a nun, you weigh 128 lbs., you're going to Chicago, Illinois, and you're going to break wind."

Now, the nun knew the machine was wrong. "I've never broken wind in public in my whole life!" Just then, she tripped, fell off the scales and broke wind.
Stunned, she sat back down and looked at the machine. She said to herself, "This is truly unbelievable! I've got to try it one more time."

She went back to the machine, put her nickel in and collected the card. It said, "You're a nun, you weigh 128 lbs., you have fiddled and farted around and missed your flight to Chicago!!!"

‎"A keen sense of humor helps us to overlook the unbecoming, understand the unconventional, tolerate the unpleasant, overcome the unexpected and outlast the unbearable." ~ Billy Graham
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  Old  October 20th, 2017, 2:15pm     #1004
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Farmer John lived on a quiet rural highway. But, as time went by, the traffic slowly built up at an alarming rate. The traffic was so heavy and so fast that his chickens were being run over at a rate of three to six a day.

So one day Farmer John called the sheriff's office and said, "You've got to do something about all of these people driving so fast and killing all of my chickens."

"What do you want me to do?" asked the sheriff.

"I don't care, just do something about those crazy drivers!" So the nextday he had the county workers go out and erected a sign that said:SLOW--SCHOOL CROSSING

Three days later Farmer John called the sheriff and said, "You've got todo something about these drivers. The 'school crossing' sign seems to make them go even faster."

So, again, the sheriff sends out the county workers and they put up a new sign: SLOW: CHILDREN AT PLAY

That really sped them up. So Farmer John called and called and called every day for three weeks. Finally, he asked the sheriff, "Your signs are doing no good. Can I put up my own sign?" The sheriff told him, "Sure thing, put up your own sign." He was going to let the Farmer John do just about anything in order to get him to stop calling everyday to complain.

The sheriff got no more calls from Farmer John.Three weeks later, curiosity got the best of the sheriff and he decided to give Farmer John a call. "How's the problem with those drivers. Did you put up your sign?"

"Oh, I sure did. And not one chicken has been killed since then. I've got to go. I'm very busy." He hung up the phone.

The sheriff was really curious now and he thought to himself, "I'd better go out there and take a look at that sign... it might be something that WE could use to slow down drivers..."

So the sheriff drove out to Farmer John's house, and his jaw dropped the moment he saw the sign. It was spray-painted on a sheet of wood:
'NUDIST COLONY - GO SLOW AND WATCH OUT FOR THE CHICKS'

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  Old  October 23rd, 2017, 5:41pm     #1005
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