Old  November 30th, 2017, 10:15pm     #991
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Assorted roosters.
Made me laugh.

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  Old  December 1st, 2017, 12:55pm     #992
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A man walking along a California beach was deep in prayer. All of a sudden he said out loud, "Lord grant me one wish."

Suddenly the sky clouded above his head and in a booming voice the Lord said, "Because you have been faithful to me in all ways, I will grant you one wish."

The man said, "Build a bridge to Hawaii, so I can drive over anytime I want to."

The Lord said, "Your request is very materialistic. Think of the logistics of that kind of undertaking. The supports required to reach the bottom of the Pacific! The concrete and steel it would take! I can do it, but it is hard for me to justify your desire for worldly things. Take a little more time and think of another wish, a wish you think would honor and glorify me."

The man thought about it for a long time. Finally he said, "Lord, I have been married and divorced four times. All of my wives said that I am uncaring and insensitive. I wish that I could understand women. I want to know how they feel inside, what they are thinking when they give me the silent treatment, why they cry, what they mean when they say "nothing" and how I can make a woman truly happy."

After a few minutes God said, "You want two lanes or four on that bridge?"

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  Old  December 5th, 2017, 7:13pm     #993
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Little boy catches Mom in affair
A woman is having an affair during the day while her husband is at work. Her 9 year old son comes home unexpectedly, sees them and hides in the bedroom closet to watch. The woman’s husband also comes home. She puts her lover in the closet, not realizing that the little boy is in there already.
The little boy says, “Its dark in here.”
The man says, “Yes, it is.”
Boy ~ “I have a baseball.”
Man ~ “That’s nice.”
Boy ~ “Want to buy it?”
Man ~ “No, thanks.”
Boy ~ “My dad’s outside.”
Man ~ “OK, how much?”
Boy ~ “$250?
In the next few weeks, it happens again that the boy and the lover are in the closet together.
Boy ~ “Its dark in here.”
Man ~ “Yes, it is.”
Boy ~ “I have a baseball glove.”
The lover remembering the last time, asks the boy, “How much?”
Boy ~ “$750?
Man ~ “Fine.”
A few days later, the father says to the boy, “Grab your glove, let’s go outside and have a game of catch.”
The boy says, “I can’t, I sold my baseball and my glove.”
The father asks, “How much did you sell them for?”
Boy ~ “$1,000?
The father says, “That’s terrible to overcharge your friends like that…that is way more than those two things cost. I’m going to take you to church and make you confess.”
They go to the church and the father makes the little boy sit in the confession booth and he closes the door.
The boy says, “Dark in here.”
The priest says, “Don’t start that crap again.”
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  Old  December 5th, 2017, 9:21pm     #994
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A Spanish magician told his audience he will disappear on the count of three.

He begins counting ... "Uno, dos, POOF!"

And he disappeared without a tres.

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  Old  December 7th, 2017, 8:53am     #995
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  Old  December 9th, 2017, 1:34pm     #996
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Once there was a little boy that lived in the country. They had to use an outhouse, and the little boy hated it because it was hot in the summer and cold in the winter and stank all the time.

The outhouse was sitting on the bank of a creek and the boy determined that one day he would push that outhouse into the creek.

One day after a spring rain, the creek was swollen so the little boy decided today was the day to push the outhouse into the creek. So he got a large stick and started pushing. Finally,the outhouse toppled into the creek and floated away.

That night his dad told him they were going to the woodshed after supper. Knowing that meant a spanking, the little boy asked why.

The dad replied, "Someone pushed the outhouse into the creek today. It was you, wasn't it son?"

The boy answered yes. Then he thought a moment and said, "Dad, I read in school today that George Washington chopped down a cherry tree and didn't get into trouble because he told the truth."

The dad replied, "Well, son, George Washington's father wasn't in the cherry tree."

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  Old  December 11th, 2017, 1:36pm     #997
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Quote:
Originally Posted by duknuk View Post
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  Old  December 13th, 2017, 10:59am     #998
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Gladys was the preacher's wife and accompanied her husband each Sunday to church.

One particular Sunday when the sermon seemed to go on forever, many in the congregation fell asleep.

After the service, to be sociable, she walked up to a very sleepy looking gentleman.

In an attempt to revive him from his stupor, she extended her hand in greeting, and said, "Hello, I'm Gladys Dunn."

To which the gentleman replied, "You're not the only one!"

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  Old  December 15th, 2017, 8:24am     #999
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  Old  December 22nd, 2017, 7:56am     #1000
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The New Christmas
Posted: 22 Dec 2017 12:01 AM PST


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  Old  December 24th, 2017, 8:21am     #1001
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ERROR: If you can see this, then YouTube is down or you don't have Flash installed.


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  Old  December 28th, 2017, 1:32pm     #1002
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Hi, Fred, this is Alan next door.
I have a confession to make. I have been riddled with guilt these past few months and have been trying to get up the courage to tell you face-to-face, but I am at least telling you in a text as I cannot live with myself a moment longer without you knowing. The truth is I have been sharing your wife, day and night when you’re not around. In fact, probably more than you. I haven’t been getting it at home recently, but I know that’s no excuse. The temptation was just too great. I can no longer live with the guilt and hope that you will accept my sincerest apology and forgive me. It won’t happen again. Please suggest a fee for usage and I’ll pay you.
Regards, Alan.

NEIGHBOR’S RESPONSE*
Fred, feeling so angered and betrayed, then grabbed his gun and shot his neighbour Alan dead. He returned home, poured himself a stiff drink, and sat down on the sofa. Fred took out his phone where he saw a second message from Alan.

SECOND MESSAGE*
Hi, Fred, this is Alan next door, again.
Sorry about the typo on my last text. I expect that you figured it out and noticed that darned Auto-Correct changed “wi-fi” to “wife.” That’s today’s technology for you, hey?
Regards, Alan

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  Old  December 30th, 2017, 12:33am     #1003
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There’s this guy who had been lost and walking in the desert for about 2 weeks. One hot day, he sees the home of a missionary. Tired and weak, he crawls up to the house and collapses on the doorstep. The missionary finds him and nurses him back to health.

Feeling better, the man asks the missionary for directions to the nearest town. On his way out the back door, he sees this horse. He goes back into the house and asks the missionary, “Could I borrow your horse and give it back when I reach the town?”

The missionary says, “Sure but there is a special thing about this horse. You have to say ‘Thank God’ to make it go and ‘Amen’ to make it stop.” Not paying much attention, the man says, “Sure, ok.”
So, he gets on the horse and says, “Thank God” and the horse starts walking.

Then he says, “Thank God, Thank God, ” and the horse starts trotting. Feeling really brave, the man says, “Thank God, Thank God, Thank God, Thank God, Thank God” and the horse just literally takes off.

Pretty soon he sees this cliff coming up and he’s doing everything he can to make the horse stop. “Whoa, stop, hold on!!!!” Finally, he remembers, “AMEN!!” The horse stops 4 inches from the cliff. The man leans back in the saddle and says, “Thank God”.

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  Old  January 1st, 2018, 9:04am     #1004
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  Old  January 1st, 2018, 9:19am     #1005
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Guy walks into a bar and orders a fruit punch.
Bartender says “Pal, if you want a punch you’ll have to stand in line”
Guy looks around, but there is no punch line.

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