Old  May 31st, 2014, 1:14pm     #61
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Two fish are in a tank.
One turns to the other and asks “How do you drive this thing?”

Just went to an emotional wedding. Even the cake was in tiers.

When you get a bladder infection, urine trouble.

A duck walks into a drugstore to buy some lip balm.
He puts it on the counter and the cashier says, "that'll be $1.95."
The duck asks, "Could you put it on my bill?"</SPAN>

A horse walks into a bar.
The bartender says: "Hey."

The horse says: "Sure."

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  Old  June 1st, 2014, 9:14am     #62
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A man had a son, but he was born as only a head. The man loved his son very much and took care of him, even though he was only a head. When the son turned 21, the man took him to a bar.

"One whiskey for my boy, barkeep!" said the man.

"You don't want to do that," said the bartender.

"He's a man, just turned 21! Get him a whiskey!"

"I'm serious," the bartender insisted. "It's a bad idea."

"Just do it!" ordered the man.

So the bartender got the head a whiskey, and when he drank it, he sprouted a body! The head and his dad were excited, but the bartender just shook his head.

"Wow, another one of those for my boy!" yelled the man.

"It's a really bad idea," the bartender stated.

"Just give him a stupid whiskey! Geez, I'm payin,' ain't I?" said the man, a little frustrated now.

So the bartender gave the son a whiskey, and he grew an arm! The father made the bartender give more whiskey to the head, and he grew another arm, a leg, another leg, and finally the head was a whole person.

The son was so excited that he ran into the street, screaming and shouting happily, and was hit by a car and died.

"I told you," the bartender said. "You should've quit while he was a head."


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  Old  June 1st, 2014, 10:36am     #63
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Why did the worker get fired from the calendar factory? He took a day off.
~~~
Why did the Invisible Man turn down the job offer? He just couldn't see himself doing it.
~~~
What’s Irish and stays out all night? Patty O’Furniture.
~~~
How does the butcher introduce his wife? "Meet Patty."
~~~
A chicken walks into a diner. The hostess says, "We don't serve poultry!" The chicken says, "That's okay, I just want a salad."

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  Old  June 1st, 2014, 8:43pm     #64
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A lawyer invites his cousin from the Czech Republic to come and stay with him in Canada. The Czech cousin arrives, determined to enjoy himself. Soon they decide to go rambling.

They're right out in the middle of the forest when a big grizzly bear appears. The bear hugs the poor Czech cousin to death and then eats him.


The lawyer runs to the nearest village and tells everybody what has happened. The villagers form a search party and return to the forest.

They come across some bears and ask the lawyer to identify the one that killed his cousin.


'It's that male bear over there.'

They kill the bear and rip open his stomach, but there is nothing there.
They decide to kill the female bear nearby, and when they rip open her stomach, they find the poor Czech cousin.

Which goes to show: Never trust a lawyer when he says the check is in the mail.

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  Old  June 2nd, 2014, 5:01pm     #65
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It's just been reported that a tractor trailer carrying Vicks VapoRub has crashed on the Interstate. Police say that there will be no congestion in the area for at least 3 days!

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  Old  June 3rd, 2014, 11:14am     #66
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A blonde was hard up for money, so she walked around her neighborhood, trying to find a job. She met a nice man who said he would give her work. All she had to do was paint his porch white. He gave her a bucket of paint and left.

He walked into his house, laughing. He told his wife what he had done. “Frank, our porch covers half of the house! You’re so mean,” his wife said.

Three hours later, the blonde went in the house, and gave the bucket of white paint back to the man. The astonished man handed her a $100 bill, and asked how she finished it so quickly.

“It takes time, but it was easy.” was her reply. “Oh, and it’s a Ferrari, not a Porsche.”

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  Old  June 3rd, 2014, 11:15am     #67
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Two cannibals were eating a clown. One cannibal turns to the other and asks, "This taste funny to you?"


~~~

Several cannibals were hired by a big corporation.

"You're part of a team now," said the CEO, welcoming them. "Please don't ruin things by eating any of your colleagues."

The cannibals promised, but a month later the CEO came to them.

"Everyone is happy with your work. However, one of our secretaries have disappeared. Do any of you know what happened to her?"

The cannibals all shook their heads.

After the boss left, the leader turned to his tribesmen and said, "You fools! For weeks we've been eating managers and no one noticed. Who's the idiot who went and ate a secretary!"


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  Old  June 3rd, 2014, 8:09pm     #68
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The world expert on European wasps and the sounds they make is taking a stroll down his local street.

As he passes by the record shop, a sign catches his eye ...

"Just Released - New LP -Wasps of the World & the Sounds They Make - available now!"

Unable to resist the temptation, the man goes into the shop.
"I am the world expert on European wasps and the sounds they make. I'd very much like to listen to the new LP you have advertised in the window."

"Certainly, Sir," says the young man behind the counter. "If you'd like to step into the booth and put on the headphones, I'll put the LP on for you."

The world expert on European wasps goes into the booth and puts on the earphones. Ten minutes later, he comes out of the booth and announces, "I am the world expert on European wasps and the sounds they make and yet I recognized none of those."

"I'm sorry Sir", says the young assistant. "If you'd care to step into the booth, I can let you have another 10 minutes."

The world expert on European wasps and the sounds they make steps back into the booth and replaces the headphones. Ten minutes later, he comes out of the booth shaking his head. "I don't understand it," he says, "I am the world expert on European wasps and the sounds they make, and yet I still can't recognize any of those!"

"I'm terribly sorry, Sir" says the young man, "perhaps if you'd like to step into the booth again, you could have 5 more minutes."

Sighing, the world expert on European wasps and the sounds they make steps back into the booth. Five minutes later, he comes out again, clearly agitated.

"I am the world expert on European wasps and the sounds they make and yet I have recognized none of the wasps on this LP."

"I really am terribly sorry" says the young assistant, "I've just realized I was playing you the bee side."

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  Old  June 4th, 2014, 10:10am     #69
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  Old  June 4th, 2014, 12:03pm     #70
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1,000 men arrive at the Gates of Heaven.

They are all directed to signs saying ‘Hen Pecked’ and ‘Not Hen Pecked’ and asked to stand beneath the appropriate sign.

Only one man stands under the ‘Not Hen Pecked’ sign.

St. Peter goes up to this man and says, “You lucky man how come you've been able to stand under this sign?”

The man replies, “My wife told me to stand here!”

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  Old  June 5th, 2014, 8:01am     #71
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His partner had his head down on the desk. “What’s wrong?” the lawyer asked solicitously.

“Oh-h-h,” groaned the other lawyer, “I was out late last night entertaining a guy who can throw a lot of business our way. I’ve got the absolutely worst of all hangovers.”

“I know how you feel. I’ve had some monsters myself.”

“How did you get rid of yours?”

The first lawyer grinned. “I grab my wife and make passionate love to her. In no time, my headache is gone. You ought to try it.”

“I'll try anything,” said the partner, reaching for his coat. “See you later.”

When he returned he was whistling a jaunty tune. “I see my remedy worked,” his colleague said.

“Like a charm,” replied the rejuvenated lawyer. “And, hey, that’s a really nice house you have.”

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  Old  June 5th, 2014, 3:31pm     #72
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Driving home tonight I accidentally hit a turkey. It flew off my car and landed on the car behind me, which happened to be a police car. He pulled me over and gave me a ticket for flipping him the bird.

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  Old  June 6th, 2014, 10:39am     #73
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I stole a futon from a shop. I think the police are after me, so I have been lying low.

A man walked into a bar with jumper cables. The bartender said: "you can have a drink, but ya better not start anything."

Why did the ghost go into the bar? For the Boos.

Did you hear about the optometrist who fell into a lens grinder? He made a spectacle of himself.

Why did Captain Hook cross the road? To get to the Second Hand Shop.

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  Old  June 7th, 2014, 10:02am     #74
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A petty thief, a teacher and a lawyer die in a plane crash and go up to Heaven's gates together.

When they get there they are stopped by St. Peter, who says: "Sorry, it's crowded up here, you need to answer a question correctly, or else you can't get in."

He looks at the teacher, and asks her: "What was the name of the famous ocean-liner that sank after hitting an iceberg?"

"Oh, that's easy," the teacher replies, "the Titanic."

So St. Peter lets her into Heaven.

Next he turns to the petty thief.

"How many people died on that ship?" St. Peter asks.

"Oooh, that's tough, but I saw the movie, and I think it was 1,500."

St. Peter steps away and the thief walks into Heaven.

Finally, St. Peter turns to the lawyer and says: "Name them."

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  Old  June 7th, 2014, 10:58pm     #75
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You know there are 3 types of love ...

The first is agape or godly love. It is often called unconditional love.

The second is brotherly love - which often follows agape love, but can exist on its own.

The 3rd is eros - which is physical love.

And there are 3 types of (eros) love ...

1- House love ... which is usually the first few years ...where you do it all over the house.
2 - Bedroom love ... happens after a few years ... where you do it only in the bedroom.
3 - Hallway love ... after many years, where you pass each other in the hallway and say, "screw you."

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