Old  May 25th, 2014, 9:47am     #46
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A man was sitting on his back porch, crying.

His wife comes out and asks: " What are you crying about?"

The man sniffles, and asks his wife: "Remember when we were just dating, and your dad told me I would have to marry you or spend the next twenty years in prison?"

The wife says: "Yea, but why are you crying?"

The man says: " I would have gotten out of prison today!"

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  Old  May 25th, 2014, 9:49am     #47
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The American Dental Association recently awarded their "Dentist of the Year" award once again. The award is nothing much, it’s just a little plaque.

~~~~~

This guy comes blasting into the doctor's office and exclaims, excitedly, "Doctor, I think I'm shrinking! I think I'm shrinking!"

"Ok, just settle down sir," the doctor says. "You're just going to have to be a little patient."

~~~~~

A photon checks into a hotel and the porter asks him if he has any luggage. The photon replies: “No, I’m travelling light.

~~~~~

A Higgs’ Boson walks into a church.
The priest says, “We don’t allow Higgs’ Bosons in here.”
The Boson says, “But without me, how can you have mass?”


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  Old  May 26th, 2014, 10:42am     #48
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An old couple is having breakfast when the old woman says to her husband, "Just think, honey, we've been married for 50 years."

"Yes," he replies. "Fifty years ago we were sitting here at this breakfast table together. And we were probably naked as jaybirds."

"Well," the old woman snickers, "should we get naked again for old time's sake?"

So they strip off their clothing and sit back down at the table. "You know," the old woman says breathlessly, "my nipples are as hot for you today as they were 50 years ago."

I'm not surprised," replies the old man. "One's in your coffee and the other's in your oatmeal!"

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  Old  May 27th, 2014, 9:06am     #49
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A police officer on traffic duty flags down a car.
“Sir, you appear to have 12 penguins in the back of your car.”


“That’s right, officer, I do.”

“Well that’s ridiculous – take them to the zoo straight away.”

“OK officer.”
And the car drives off.

Next day, the same policeman in the same spot sees the same car drive past – with the penguins in the back. He flags him down again.

“I thought I told you to take them to the zoo?"

“Yes, officer, and it was great – and today I’m taking them to the movies.”

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  Old  May 27th, 2014, 9:08am     #50
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Two Eskimos, sitting in a kayak, were very chilly. To keep warm, they lit a fire in the craft, but it sank. They should have known. You can't have your kayak and heat it too.

~~~~

What did one plate say to the other?
Lunch is on me.

~~~~

A hungry African lion came across two men. One was sitting under a tree and reading a book; the other was typing away on his typewriter. The lion pounced on the man reading the book and devoured him. Even the king of the jungle knows that readers digest and writers cramp.

~~~~

Why couldn't the faucet be within 100 feet of the pasta bowl?
There was a restraining order.

~~~~

What do lawyers wear to court?
Lawsuits.



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  Old  May 27th, 2014, 1:59pm     #51
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This is why men don't vacuum......




The bugger won't start!!!!!


‎"A keen sense of humor helps us to overlook the unbecoming, understand the unconventional, tolerate the unpleasant, overcome the unexpected and outlast the unbearable." ~ Billy Graham
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  Old  May 28th, 2014, 1:38am     #52
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‎"A keen sense of humor helps us to overlook the unbecoming, understand the unconventional, tolerate the unpleasant, overcome the unexpected and outlast the unbearable." ~ Billy Graham
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  Old  May 28th, 2014, 5:27am     #53
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  Old  May 28th, 2014, 10:17am     #54
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Two guys are sentenced to death.

They get up on the scaffold, the priest does the last rites, the prison governor does his little speech.

Then he turns to the two guys and says, "You can have one last request each, what will it be?"

The first guy says, "Well I love James Blunt. Could I hear that lovely song, 'You're Beautiful' one last time?"

"No problem," says the governor.

"What about you?" he asks the other prisoner.

"Can I go first?"

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  Old  May 28th, 2014, 11:53pm     #55
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Two friends, a blonde and a redhead, are walking down the street and pass a flower shop where the redhead happens to see her boyfriend buying flowers.

She sighs and says, “oh, crap, my boyfriend is buying me flowers again.”

The blonde looks quizzically at her and says, “you don't like getting flowers?”

The redhead says, “I love getting flowers, but he always has expectations after giving me flowers, and I just don't feel like spending the next three days on my back with my legs in the air.”

The blonde says, “don't you have a vase?”

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  Old  May 29th, 2014, 2:07pm     #56
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Three women are about to be executed for crimes. One's a brunette, one's a redhead, and one's a blonde.

Two guards brings the brunette forward, and the executioner asks if she has any last requests. She says no, and the executioner shouts, "Ready . . . Aim . . ."

Suddenly the brunette yells, "earthquake!" Everyone is startled and looks around. She manages to escape.

The angry guards then bring the redhead forward, and the executioner asks if she has any last requests.
She says no, and the executioner shouts, "Ready . . . Aim . . ."

The redhead then screams, "tornado!" Yet again, everyone is startled and looks around. She too escapes execution.

By this point, the blonde had figured out what the others did. The guards bring her forward, and the executioner asks if she has any last requests. She also says no, and the executioner shouts, Ready . . . Aim . . ."

The blonde shouts, "fire!"

Last edited by duknuk; June 1st, 2014 at 9:12am.

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  Old  May 29th, 2014, 2:15pm     #57
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How did the hipster burn his tongue?
He drank his coffee before it was cool.

~~~
What do you call a dinosaur with an extensive vocabulary?
A thesaurus.

~~~
Pampered cows produce spoiled milk.

~~~
Marketing companies should use chromosomes in advertisements because sex cells.

~~~
Why did the clock in the cafeteria run slow?
It always went back 4 seconds.

~~~
How do you fix a broken vegetable? With tomato paste.

~~~
How did the hipster burn his tongue?
He drank his vanilla chai before it was cool.

~~~
Marketing companies should use chromosomes in advertisements because sex cells.

~~~
Why did the clock in the cafeteria run slow? It always went back 4 seconds.

~~~
What do you call a belt made entirely out of watches?
A waste of time.


Last edited by duknuk; May 31st, 2014 at 10:50pm.

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  Old  May 30th, 2014, 3:24pm     #58
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Two engineering students were walking across campus when one said, ”Where did you get such a great bike?”

The second engineer replied, “Well, I was walking along yesterday minding my own business when a beautiful woman rode up on this bike. She threw the bike to the ground, took off all her clothes and said, “Take what you want.”


The second engineer nodded approvingly, “Good choice. The clothes probably wouldn’t have fit.”

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  Old  May 30th, 2014, 5:12pm     #59
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A young guy from North Dakota moves to Florida and goes to a big "everything under one roof" department store looking for a job.

The Manager says, "Do you have any sales experience?" The kid says "Yeah. I was a vacuum salesman back in North Dakota."

Well, the boss was unsure, but he liked the kid and figured he'd give him a shot, so he gave him the job.

"You start tomorrow. I'll come down after we close and see how you did."

His first day on the job was rough, but he got through it. After the store was locked up, the boss came down to the sales floor.

"How many customers bought something from you today?" The kid frowns and looks at the floor and mutters, "One."

The boss says "Just one? Our sales people average sales to 20 to 30 customers a day. That will have to change, and soon, if you'd like to continue your employment here. We have very strict standards for our sales force here in Florida. One sale a day might have been acceptable in North Dakota, but you're not on the farm anymore, son."

The kid took his beating, but continued to look at his shoes, so the boss felt kinda bad for chewing him out on his first day. He asked, "So, how much was your one sale for?"

The kid looks up at his boss and says "$101,237.65."

The boss, astonished, says $101,237.65?? What the heck did you sell?"

The kid says, "Well, first, I sold him some new fish hooks. Then I sold him a new fishing rod to go with his new hooks. Then I asked him where he was going fishing and he said down the coast, so I told him he was going to need a boat, so we went down to the boat department and I sold him a twin engine Chris Craft. Then he said he didn't think his Honda Civic would pull it, so I took him down to the automotive department and sold him that 4x4 Expedition."

The boss said "A guy came in here to buy a fish hook and you sold him a boat and a TRUCK!?"

The kid said "No, the guy came in here to buy tampons for his wife, and I said, 'Dude, your weekend's shot, you should go fishing.

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  Old  May 31st, 2014, 10:48am     #60
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Bernie, a farmer, was in a café in Shepton Mallet, Somerset, one day having lunch, when he noticed his old friend, Big Matthew. What really caught his attention was that Matthew was wearing an earring.

Berjnie knew his old mate to be a very conservative fellow, tough and macho, and he was curious about his sudden change in 'fashion sense.' So he approached Big Mat and gently enquired, 'Ooo, argh, Big Mat, I didn't know you was into earrings an' that.'

'No big deal, Bernie, argh but 'tis only an earring,' Big Mat replied rather sheepishly.

Bernie, the farmer, was silent for a few minutes, but then his curiosity got the better of him and he demanded, 'So, Big Mat, then 'ow long have you been wearing one then?'

'Ahaaa, ever since my wife found it in the glove compartment of my lorry,' Matthew answered.

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