Old  May 22nd, 2014, 10:17am     #31
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The mafia was looking for a new man to make weekly collections from all the private businesses that they were 'protecting'. Feeling the heat from the police force, they decided to use a deaf person for this job--if he were to get caught, he wouldn't be able to communicate to the police what he was doing.

Well, on his first week, the deaf collector picks up over $50,000. He gets greedy, decides to keep the money and stashes it in a safe place. The mafia soon realizes that their collection is late, and sends some of their hoods after the deaf collector.

The hoods find the deaf collector and ask him where the money is. The deaf collector can't communicate with them, so the mafia drags the guy to an interpreter.

The mafia hood says to the interpreter, "Ask him where da money is."

The interpreter signs, "Where's the money?"

The deaf replies, "I don't know what you're talking about."

The interpreter tells the hood, "He says he doesn't know what you're talking about."

The hood pulls out a .38 pistol and places it in the ear of the deaf collector. "NOW ask him where da money is."

The interpreter signs, "Where is the money?"

The deaf man signs, "The $50,000 is in Central Park, hidden in the third tree stump on the left from the West 78th Street gate."

The hood asks the interpreter, "What did he say?"

The interpreter quickly says, "He says he still doesn't know what you're talking about and doesn't think you have the guts to pull the trigger!"

....duknuk's chicks are here!
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  Old  May 22nd, 2014, 9:42pm     #32
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~~~~~ ~~~~ ~ ~~~~ ~~~~ ~ ~~~~ ~~~~ ~ ~~~~ ~~~~ ~ ~~~~ ~~~~ ~ ~~~~ ~~~~ ~
UH...ha ya it's all just lucky breaks.
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  Old  May 22nd, 2014, 9:53pm     #33
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A man came home from work and found his three children outside, still in their pajamas, playing in the mud, with empty food boxes and wrappers strewn all around the front yard.

The door of his wife’s car was open, as was the front door to the house and there was no sign of the dog. Proceeding into the entry, he found an even bigger mess. A lamp had been knocked over, and the throw rug was wadded against one wall.

In the front room the TV was loudly blaring a Cartoon channel, and the family room was strewn with toys and various items of clothing.

In the kitchen, dishes filled the sink, breakfast food was spilled on the counter, the fridge door was open wide, dog food was spilled on the floor, a broken glass lay under the table, and a small pile of sand was spread by the back door.

He quickly headed up the stairs, stepping over toys and more piles of clothes, looking for his wife. He was worried she might be ill, or that something serious had happened.

He was met with a small trickle of water as it made its way out the bathroom door. As he peered inside he found wet towels, scummy soap and more toys strewn over the floor. Miles of toilet paper lay in a heap and toothpaste had been smeared over the mirror and walls.

As he rushed to the bedroom, he found his wife still curled up in the bed in her pajamas, reading a novel. She looked up at him, smiled, and asked how his day went.

He looked at her bewildered and asked, ‘What happened here today?’

She again smiled and answered, ‘You know every day when you come home from work and you ask me what in the world do I do all day?’

‘Yes,’ was his incredulous reply.

She answered, ‘Well, today I didn’t do it.’

....duknuk's chicks are here!
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  Old  May 22nd, 2014, 9:54pm     #34
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thanks for a great thread

What if the hokey pokey is what its all about?
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  Old  May 22nd, 2014, 11:43pm     #35
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  Old  May 23rd, 2014, 6:28am     #36
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A young man was shopping in supermarket to when he noticed that an old lady with a cart full of groceries was following him around. Thinking little of it, he ignored her and continued to fill his basket. Finally, just as he reached the checkout line, the old woman cut in front of him.

She turned and spoke to the young man. "Pardon me," she said, "I'm sorry if my staring at you has made you feel uncomfortable. It's just that you look just like my son, who just died recently."

"I'm very sorry," replied the young man. "Is there anything I can do for you?"

"Yes," she said, "As I'm leaving, can you say 'Good bye, Mother'? My son always said it to me whenever we parted. It would make me feel so much better if I could hear it again."

"Sure, no problem," answered the young man.

They chatted while the woman's groceries were scanned and bagged. Then, as she was leaving, the young man called out, "Goodbye, Mother!"

When they young man's groceries were rung up, he saw that his total was $279.50. "How can that be?," he exclaimed. "I only purchased a few things!"

The cashier replied, "Your mother said that you would pay for her."

Please read my blog -- Blather From Brooklyn
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  Old  May 23rd, 2014, 6:46am     #37
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A psychiatrist’s secretary went into her boss's office.

Secretary: "Sir, someone would like to see you. Claims he's invisible."

Psychiatrist: "Tell him I can't see him."

Please read my blog -- Blather From Brooklyn
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  Old  May 23rd, 2014, 11:39am     #38
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  Old  May 23rd, 2014, 11:56am     #39
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The first Jewish President calls his mother in Queens and invites her for Chanukah.

"I'd like to," she says, "but it's so much trouble. First, I have to get a cab to the airport, and I hate waiting on Queens Boulevard."

"Mom! I'm President of the United States! I'll send Air Force One!"

"Yes, but when we land I'll still have to carry my luggage through the airport. An try to find a cab. And you know what holiday crowds are like."

"Mom! I'll have a helicopter pick you up! You'll go straight from the plane to my front lawn!"

"I don't know. I'd still need a hotel room. And hotels are so expensive, and they're not like they used to be."

"Ma! You'll stay at the White House!"

"Well..." she says. "I guess, O.K. " she sighs ... "I'll come, for you."

That afternoon, she's talking on the phone with one of her friends.

"What's new?" The friend asks.

"I'm visiting my son for Chanukah."

"The doctor?"


"No ... the other one."

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  Old  May 23rd, 2014, 3:18pm     #40
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  Old  May 23rd, 2014, 4:39pm     #41
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As the storm raged, the captain realized his ship was sinking fast.

He called out, "Does anyone here believe in the power of prayer?"

One sailor stepped forward. "Aye, Captain, I believe in the power of prayer!"

"Good," said the captain. "You pray while the rest of us put on our life jackets -- we're one short."

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  Old  May 24th, 2014, 10:19am     #42
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A polar bear walks into a bar and says,

"I'll have a large orange juice . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . on the rocks."

The bartender served the juice and said,
"Here it is, but why the big pause?"

"I don't know," the polar bear replied. "I've always had them."


~~~~~


You've heard about the moron pilot who once made a tricky landing, haven't you?
It was the shortest runway he'd ever seen.
And the widest, too.


~~~~~


How did the chewing gum cross the road?
By sticking to the chicken's foot.


~~~~~


A doctor made it his regular habit to stop off at a bar for a hazelnut daiquiri on his way home.

The bartender knew the doctor's habit and would always have a drink waiting.

But one day the bartender ran out of hazelnut extract, so he substituted hickory nuts.

When the doctor arrived, he took a sip and exclaimed, "This isn't a hazelnut daiquiri!"

"No, I’m sorry, it’s not," the bartender replied. "It's a hickory daiquiri, doc."


....duknuk's chicks are here!
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  Old  May 24th, 2014, 10:31am     #43
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Two guys are walking down a road when they come across a deep hole beside it. Being curious, they go over and check it out. When they look down, they are surprised to find they can't see the bottom. So they drop a couple of rocks down the hole and listen ... nothing. One of them says, "Man, that's a deep hole!"

Thinking they might hear something larger hit the bottom, they find a big, old anvil and pitch it over the side. The pause and listen intently ... nothing.

Then they hear a sound, but it is coming from behind them. They quickly turn around to see a goat bearing down on them with its head lowered, flying along, its feet barely touching the ground.

The two men dive out of its way just in time and the goat plunges past them, into the seemingly bottomless hole. The two look at each other and say, "Boy, that was close! We'd better get away from this thing before we end up with the goat!".

So they continue on their way down the road until they happen across this farmer working near it. The men again put their heads together and figure that the goat belongs to the farmer and the decide to tell him what happened.

"Hey Mr. Farmer. Do you happen to own a goat?", one of the men asked.

The farmer replies, "Yeah, why do you ask?"

The men then tell what happened at the hole and how they narrowly avoided death in the hole from the speeding goat.

The farmer said, "Well boys, I don't think that was my goat. You see, my goat is really old and crippled up with arthritis. There is no way he could have been moving that fast. Besides, I have him tied with a rope to a big old anvil."

....duknuk's chicks are here!
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  Old  May 24th, 2014, 10:44am     #44
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Quote:
Originally Posted by duknuk View Post

What if the hokey pokey is what its all about?
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  Old  May 25th, 2014, 9:46am     #45
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Old ranch owner John farmed a small ranch in Montana. The Montana Wage and Hour Department claimed he was not paying proper wages to his workers and sent an agent out to interview him.

'I need a list of your employees and how much you pay them,' demanded the agent.

'Well,' replied old John, 'There's my ranch hand who's been with me for 3 years. I pay him $600 a week plus free room and board. The cook has been here for 18 months, and I pay her $500 a week plus free room and board. Then there's the half-wit who works about 18 hours every day and does about 90% of all the work around here. He makes about $10 per week, pays his own room and board and I buy him a bottle of bourbon every Saturday night.'

'That's the guy I want to talk to, the half-wit,' says the agent.

'That would be me,' replied old rancher John.

....duknuk's chicks are here!
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