Old  May 13th, 2014, 1:58pm     #16
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Great! I got a million of 'em.
I can keep this thread going all by myself.

What side of a chicken has more feathers?
The outside.

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  Old  May 14th, 2014, 9:47am     #17
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A man walked into a bar, sat down and ordered a beer.

As he sipped the beer, he heard a soothing voice say, "Nice tie!"

Looking around he noticed that the bar was empty except for himself and the bartender.

A few sips later, the voice said, "Beautiful shirt."

At this, the man called the bartender over. "Hey, I must be losing my mind," he told the bartender. "I keep hearing these voices saying nice things, and there's not a soul in here but us."

"It's the peanuts," answered the bartender. "They're complimentary."

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  Old  May 15th, 2014, 9:09am     #18
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Veteran Pillsbury spokesmodel Pop-N-Fresh died yesterday of a severe yeast infection. He was 71.

Fresh was buried in one of the largest ceremonies in recent years. Dozens of celebrities turned out, including Mrs. Butterworth, The California Raisins, Hungry Jack, and Betty Crocker.

The gravesite was piled high with flours as longtime friend Aunt Jemima gave the eulogy, describing Fresh as a man who "never knew how much he was kneaded."

Fresh rose quickly in show business, but his later life was filled with many turnovers. He was not considered a very smart cookie, wasting much time on half-baked schemes.

Still, even as a crusty old man, he was a roll model for millions. Fresh is survived by his second wife. They have two children and one in the oven.

The funeral was held at 3:50 for about 30 minutes.


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  Old  May 16th, 2014, 9:32am     #19
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boo! hiss!
What do you call an eye doctor living on an island in Alaska?
An optical Aleutian.

~~~

Did you hear about the two antennas that got married? The wedding was nothing special, but the reception was fantastic!

~~~

Why was the worker fired from the orange juice factory?
He couldn't concentrate.

~~~

A neutron went into a bar and asked the bartender, "How much for a beer?" The bartender replied, "For you, no charge."

~~~

Once there was a cubical seed lying in a triangular forest.
He buried himself in the spherical earth and went to sleep.
Years later, he woke up, discovered what he had become
and exclaimed, "Gee I'm a tree!"

Last edited by duknuk; May 17th, 2014 at 8:21pm.

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  Old  May 17th, 2014, 8:10pm     #20
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One day a blonde came home from school and came to her mother and said, "Hey, Mommy! Mommy! Today in school we learned to count. The other kids could only count to three but I can count to Ten..... 1, 2, 3, 4, 5, 6, 7, 8, 9, 10!"

The mother responds, "Very good honey." The blonde asks, "Is that because I'm a blonde mommy?" And the mother responds, "Yes dear."

Next day the blonde came home and went to her mother and said, "Today in school we learned our ABCs! The other kids could only get to D but I can get to K! .... A, B, C, D, E, F, G, H, I, J, K!"

The mother says, "Very good honey." The blonde then asked. "Is that because I'm a blonde, Mommy?" The mother responds, "Yes dear."

The third day the blonde come home from school and said to her mother, "Mommy today in school we went swimming! But I was the only one who had breasts. Is that because I'm a blonde, Mommy?"
And the mother responds, "No Honey, it's because you're twenty five."

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  Old  May 18th, 2014, 9:34am     #21
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Sam shows up at a revival meeting, seeking help.

“I need you to pray for my hearing,” he tells the preacher.

The preacher puts his fingers on Sam’s ears and prays. When he’s done, he asks, “How’s your hearing now?”

“I don’t know,” says Sam. “I don’t go to court till next Tuesday.”

~~~~~

A man went to the movies and was surprised to find a woman with a big collie sitting in front of him. Even more amazing was the fact that the dog always laughed in the right places through the comedy.

“Excuse me,” the man said to the woman, “but I think it’s astounding that your dog enjoys the movie so much.”

“I’m surprised myself,” she replied. “He hated the book.”


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  Old  May 18th, 2014, 4:25pm     #22
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Tired of being broke and stuck in an unhappy marriage, a young husband decided to solve both problems by taking out a large insurance policy on his wife and arranging to have her killed.

A "friend of a friend" put him in touch with a nefarious underworld figure, who went by the name of "Artie." Artie explained to the husband that his going price for snuffing out a spouse was $5,000. The husband said he was willing to pay that amount, but that he wouldn't have any cash on hand until he could collect his wife's insurance money.

Artie insisted on being paid in part up front. The man opened up his wallet and displayed the single dollar bill that rested inside. Artie sighed, rolled his eyes, and reluctantly agreed to accept the dollar as down payment for the dirty deed.

A few days later, Artie followed the man's wife to the local Safeway grocery store. There, he surprised her in the produce department and proceeded to strangle her with his gloved hands. As the poor unsuspecting woman drew her last breath and slumped to the floor, the manager of the produce department stumbled unexpectedly onto the scene. Unwilling to leave any witnesses behind, Artie had no choice but to strangle the produce manager as well.

Unknown to Artie, the entire proceeding was captured by hidden cameras and observed by the store's security guard, who immediately called the police. Artie was caught and arrested before he could leave the store. Under intense questioning at the police station, Artie revealed the sordid plan, including his financial arrangements with the hapless husband.

And that is why, the next day in the newspaper, the headline declared: "Artie chokes two for a dollar at Safeway."

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  Old  May 18th, 2014, 4:48pm     #23
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A panda walks into a bar, sits down and orders a sandwich. He eats the sandwich, pulls out a gun and shoots the waiter dead.

As the panda stands up to go, the bartender shouts, "Hey! Where are you going? You just shot my waiter and you didn't pay for your sandwich!"

The panda yells back at the bartender, "Hey, I'm a PANDA! Look it up!"

The bartender opens his dictionary and sees the following definition for panda:

"A tree dwelling marsupial of Asian orgin, characterized by distinct black and white coloring. Eats shoots and leaves."

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  Old  May 19th, 2014, 10:42am     #24
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A rare-book collector met a guy who said he’d just thrown out an old Bible that had been packed away for generations. “Somebody named Gutten-something had printed it,” the man explained.

“Not Gutenberg!” gasped the book lover. “You’ve just thrown away one of the most famous books ever printed. One copy recently sold at auction for over $4 million!”

The other man was still unmoved. “My copy wouldn’t have brought a dime,” he said. “Some guy named Martin Luther scribbled notes all over it.”

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  Old  May 20th, 2014, 1:54pm     #25
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A carrot and a tomato were walking across the street when the carrot was hit by a car. The tomato called 911.

An ambulance came and took the carrot to the hospital.

The tomato went to the hospital to wait for his friend, and when he got there the carrot was still in the emergency room, so the tomato paced nervously.

Finally, the doctor called out, "Mr. Tomato?"
The tomato went over, and asked the doctor, "How is he?"

The doctor replied, "I have good news and bad news. The good news is that he is still alive. The bad news is that he will be a vegetable for the rest of his life."

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  Old  May 20th, 2014, 1:58pm     #26
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A guy walked into a bar with his giraffe. He ordered a drink, and the giraffe lay down beside him. The bartender barked angrily, "Excuse me, but you can't leave that lyin’ there!" "It's not a lion, the man said. It's a giraffe."

What happened when a ship carrying red paint collided with a ship carrying blue paint? ... Both crews were marooned.

Why did the man hit the fortune teller when she started laughing?
He was striking a happy medium.

When ducks fly in a V, why is one side of the V longer than the other?
Because there are more ducks on that side.

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  Old  May 21st, 2014, 10:15am     #27
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John and Sally are celebrating their wedding anniversary in a small country pub. John leans over and says, "Do you remember, Sally, the first time we made love together over fifty years ago? We went behind this pub where you leaned against the fence and I made love to you."

"Oh yes," Sally replies, "I remember it very well."

"So how about you and I taking a stroll round the back and doing it again for old times sake?" says John.

"Oooooooh John, that sounds like a good idea," she answers and off they go.

On the next table, Sam has heard this and says to himself, "I've got to see this - two elderly people making love against a fence." So he follows them.

John and Sally walk along together, leaning on each other for support, aided by walking sticks. When they get to the fence, Sally turns around and as she hangs onto the fence, John moves in.

Suddenly they erupt into action. They are bucking and jumping like eighteen-year-olds. This goes on for ages with Sally yelling, "Ohhhh God," and John hanging on to her for dear life. Finally, they both collapse onto the ground.

When they recover, John and Sally struggle to their feet. Sam, still watching, thinks, "That was truly amazing, I must ask them what their secret is."

As John and Sally make their way back past him, Sam says, "That was something else, you must have been making love for about forty minutes. How do you manage it? You must have had a fantastic life together. Is there some sort of secret?"
"No, there's no secret" John replies, "Fifty years ago that fence wasn't electrified."

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  Old  May 21st, 2014, 10:38am     #28
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thanks for the thread. Enjoyed it. Will follow it!

Bobby Dean "Every dog must have his day."
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  Old  May 21st, 2014, 11:58am     #29
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Mom and Dad Potato sit down with their three daughter potatoes.

"Kids," they say, "you're old enough now to go out and find yourselves husbands. We want you to be happy with them, but we also want you to be sure and choose a husband the whole family can be proud of." With that, they send their children forth to find mates.

A few months later the first daughter returns. "Mom, Dad, I'd like you to meet my fiance, Peter Potato. Peter's from Idaho."

"Idaho! Wonderful! Welcome to the family, Peter."

A few months after that the second daughter comes home. "Mom, Dad, I'd like you to meet my fiance, Paul Potato. Paul is from Maine."

"Maine! Well, delighted to meet you, Paul." A few months after that, the third daughter walks in. "Mom, Dad, I'd like you to meet my fiance, Tom Brokaw."

"Um ... would you excuse us for a moment, Tom?"

The parents take the third daughter aside and tell her that they do not approve of this match and will cut her out of the will if she goes through with it.

"But Mom! Dad! I thought you'd be thrilled! What's the matter with Tom Brokaw?"

"Don't you understand? He's a common tater!"

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  Old  May 22nd, 2014, 9:15am     #30
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Quote:
Originally Posted by bobbydean View Post
thanks for the thread. Enjoyed it. Will follow it!
and thanks for the encouragement.

~~~~~

Difference between what a woman says and her husband hears ...


For example, suppose a woman says:
"This place is a mess! C'mon,
You and I need to clean this place up,
Your stuff is lying all over on the floor
and you'll have no clothes to wear tomorrow
unless we do the laundry right now!"


Her husband will hear:
blah, blah, blah, blah, C'MON
YOU AND I blah, blah, blah, blah,
blah, blah, blah, blah, ON THE FLOOR
blah, blah, NO CLOTHES blah, blah,
blah, blah, blah, blah, RIGHT NOW!

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