Old  May 11th, 2014, 10:57am     #1
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The Joke Thread - it's good to laugh.
Three sons left home, went out on their own and prospered. Getting back together, they discussed the gifts they were able to give their elderly mother.

The first said, "I built a big house for our mother."

The second said," I sent her a Mercedes with a driver."

The third smiled and said, "I've got you, both beat. You know how Mom enjoys the Bible, and you know she can't see very well. I sent her a brown parrot that can recite the entire Bible. It took 20 monks in a monastery 12 years to teach him. I had to pledge to contribute $100,000.00 a year for 10 years, but it was worth it. Mom just has to name the chapter and verse, and the parrot will recite it."

Soon thereafter, Mom sent out her letters of thanks: "Milton," she wrote the first son, "The house you built is so huge. I live in only one room, but I have to clean the whole house."

"Marvin," she wrote to another, "I am too old to travel. I stay home all the time, so I never use the Mercedes. And the driver is so rude!"

"Dearest Melvin," she wrote to her third son, "You were the only son to have the good sense to know what your mother likes. That chicken was delicious."

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  Old  May 11th, 2014, 11:23am     #2
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HA!!!
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  Old  May 11th, 2014, 11:56am     #3
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Just a reminder - no politics ... there's a thread for that.

~~~~~

Why did the bank teller get fired her first day of work?
When a customer asked her to check his balance, she pushed him.


~~~~~

I have another joke about a germ, but I wouldn't want to spread it around.

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  Old  May 11th, 2014, 11:58am     #4
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Man in hospital bed wearing oxygen mask over his mouth. "Nurse", he mumbles. "Are my testicles black?" Nurse raises his gown, holds his penis in one hand & his testicles in the other, ...she takes a close look & says, "There's nothing wrong with them Sir." Man pulls off the oxygen mask, smiles at her & says very slowly. "Thanks for that, it was lovely but listen very very carefully. "Are-my-test-re-sults-back?

‎"A keen sense of humor helps us to overlook the unbecoming, understand the unconventional, tolerate the unpleasant, overcome the unexpected and outlast the unbearable." ~ Billy Graham
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  Old  May 11th, 2014, 1:30pm     #5
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jokes
chief has 2 sons. chief is on death bed. sons names are straight arrow and falling rock. chief says to sons, go to the mountains and one to bring back largest buck elk will be new chief. one week later straight arrow returns with huge buck. the tribe waits and waits but fallen rock never returns. to this day every time you go into the mountains there is a sign reading.WATCH FOR FALLEN ROCK.

Don't follow me, I have no idea where I'm going either.
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  Old  May 11th, 2014, 4:17pm     #6
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that reminds me, and this is an old joke (aren't they all?) ..

An Indian consulted his medicine man about a pain in his stomach that had persisted for three months.

"For something as long as that," said the Medicine Man, "I have a more drastic remedy than the herbs I normally prescribe. Chew on this leather thong every day. It is 31 inches long: chew one inch every day, and at the next moon come back."

The Indian dutifully did as directed, and at the next moon he returned to the Medicine Man.

"How do you feel?" the Medicine Man asked.

"Not so good, Medicine Man. The thong is ended, but the malady lingers on."

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  Old  May 12th, 2014, 8:33am     #7
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A rope walks into a bar.
The bartender says, “We don’t serve ropes in here.”
The rope walks outside, ties a knot in the middle of his body, brushes out the strands at the bottom and heads back into the bar.
The bartender says, “Aren’t you the rope I just threw out of here?”
The rope replies, “No, I’m a frayed knot.”

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  Old  May 12th, 2014, 12:26pm     #8
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An old blind cowboy wanders into an all-girl biker bar by mistake...

He finds his way to a bar stool and orders a shot of Jack Daniels.

After sitting there for a while, he yells to the bartender, 'Hey, you wanna hear a blonde joke?'

The bar immediately falls absolutely silent.

In a very deep, husky voice, the woman next to him says, 'Before you tell that joke, Cowboy, I think it is only fair, given that you are blind, that you should know five things:

1. The bartender is a blonde girl with a baseball bat.

2. The bouncer is a blonde girl with a 'Billy-Club'.

3. I'm a 6-foot tall, 175-pound blonde woman with a black belt in karate.

4. The woman sitting next to me is blonde and a professional weight lifter.

5. The lady to your right is blonde and a professional wrestler.

'Now, think about it seriously, Cowboy.... Do you still wanna tell that blonde joke?'

The blind cowboy thinks for a second, shakes his head and mutters, 'No...not if I'm gonna have to explain it five times'

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  Old  May 12th, 2014, 12:39pm     #9
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A middle eastern king was down on his money and began to sell off his valuables.

The last of these was the Star of the Euphrates, at that time the most valuable diamond in existence.

He went to a pawnbroker who offered him 100,000 rials for it.

"Are you crazy,?" said the king. "I paid one million rials for this gem! Don't you know who I am?"

The pawnbroker replied, "When you wish to pawn a star, makes no difference who you are."

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  Old  May 12th, 2014, 12:39pm     #10
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A guy went to a psychiatrist.

"Doc," he said, "I keep having these alternating recurring dreams. First I'm a teepee, then I'm a wigwam, then I'm a teepee, and then I'm a wigwam. It's driving me crazy. What's wrong with me?"

The doctor replied, "It's very simple. You're two tents."

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  Old  May 13th, 2014, 8:23am     #11
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After losing another tooth, little Timmy became more curious about the mysterious tooth fairy.

Finally putting two and two together, he came right out and asked his mother, “Mom, are you the tooth fairy?”

Assuming he was old enough to hear the truth, she replied, “Yes Timmy, I am.”

Timmy seemed to take this news quite well.

But as he headed for the door, he slowly turned back toward his mother with a curious look on his face and said, “Wait a minute, mom. How do you get into the other kids’ houses?”

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  Old  May 13th, 2014, 1:12pm     #12
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A guy walks into a doctor's office with a carrot in his ear and a piece of celery up his nose. The doctor told him he wasn't eating right.

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  Old  May 13th, 2014, 1:24pm     #13
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The Rabbi and the Pope


Several centuries ago, the Pope decided that all the Jews had to leave the Vatican. Naturally there was a big uproar from the Jewish community. So the Pope made a deal. He would have a religious debate with a member of the Jewish community. If the Jew won, the Jews could stay. If the Pope won, the Jews would leave. The Jews realized that they had no choice.

So they picked an elderly aged man named Moishe to represent them. Moishe's Latin wasn't very good - in fact, he knew very little--but he was a man of great faith and well respected in the Jewish community. The pope agreed. What could be easier than a silent debate?

The day of the great debate came. Moishe and the Pope sat opposite each other for a full minute before the Pope raised his hand and showed three fingers. Moishe looked back at him and raised one finger. The Pope waved his fingers in a circle around his head. Moishe pointed to the ground where he sat. The Pope pulled out a wafer and a glass of wine. Moishe pulled out an apple. The Pope stood up and said, "I give up. This man is too good. The Jews can stay."

An hour later, the cardinals were all around the Pope asking him what happened. The Pope said: "First I held up three fingers to represent the Trinity. He responded by holding up one finger to remind me that there was still one God common to both our religions. Then I waved my finger around me to show him that God was all around us. He responded by pointing to the ground and showing that God was also right here with us. I pulled out the wine and the wafer to show that God absolves us from our sins. He pulled out an apple to remind me of original sin. He had an answer for everything. What could I do?"

Meanwhile, the Jewish community had crowded around Moishe. "What happened?" they asked. "Well," said Moishe, "First he said to me that the Jews had three days to get out of here. I told him that not one of us was leaving. Then he told me that this whole city would be cleared of Jews. I let him know that we were staying right here."

"And then?" asked a woman. "I don't know," said Moishe. "He took out his lunch and I took out mine."

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  Old  May 13th, 2014, 1:39pm     #14
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A man has been having terrible headaches for nearly 20 years. He can't sleep, eat, think, or do much of anything because of the pain. Several doctors examined him and couldn't determine the cause of his problem.

He finally went to one of the top neurological specialists in the country who examines him and says, "I've found the cause of the pain. Your testicles are pushing up into your spine. The constant pressure on the spine causes the headaches. The only thing I can do is perform surgery and remove your testicles."

The man is shocked to hear this but the decision is not difficult as he know he cannot stand the pain of the headaches. He has the surgery and immediately feels like a new man. The pain is completely gone and he feels like he has a new life. He is so happy he decides to buy himself a new suit. He goes to a small men's shop and tells the old tailor that he wants to buy a suit.

"Sure," says the tailor. "You're a 42 long, right?"

"Wow, how did you know?" says the man.

"Hey, I've been in this business a long time. You learn a few things." said the tailor.

The tailor brought the man a suit that fit perfectly. It looked so good that the man decided to buy a new shirt to go with it.

"16, 34, right?" said the tailor.

"Right again!" said the man. "You're amazing."

"Hey, I've been in this business a long time. You learn a few things."

The tailor brought a shirt and tie and they looked great.

The man said, "Hey, let's go for broke. Give me a pair of the silk boxers too."

The tailor said, "36 right?"

"I'm disappointed," said the man. "But 2 out of 3 is still good. I wear size 34 boxers."

The tailor said, "Hey, I've been in this business for a long time and I think you need 36."

The man replied, "It's obvious you know your business but I've worn size 34 for as long as I can remember. I'm going to have to disagree with you on this one".

"Hey look," said the tailor, "I'll sell you whatever you want. But I've been in this business a long time. If you wear a size 34 it's gonna push your nuts up into your spine and give you terrible headaches."

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  Old  May 13th, 2014, 1:53pm     #15
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Thanks, duknuk!
These are cute!
I love good jokes, but I can't ever remember any myself.
I can appreciate them when I hear or read them, though!
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