Old  September 11th, 2017, 8:23am     #946
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Two friends who grew old together made a deal that whoever died first would come back and inform the other how life after death was. Their biggest fear was that there was no after life at all.

After a long life, Dan was the first to die. Benny mourned him, and waited for him to come and visit.

True to his word, two months later, as Benny was sleeping, the voice of Dan appeared in his head.

“Benny…Benny…”

“My gosh … Is that you, Dan?”

“Yes, I’ve come back like we agreed.”

“That’s wonderful! What’s it like?”

“Well, I get up in the morning, I have intercourse. I have breakfast and then it’s off to the golf course. I have intercourse again, bathe in the warm sun and then have intercourse a couple more times… then I have lunch (keeping healthy, lots of greens).

Another romp around the golf course, then pretty much have intercourse the rest of the afternoon. After supper, it’s back to the golf course again. Then it’s more intercourse until late at night. I catch some much needed sleep and then the next day it starts all over again.”

“Wow, Dan! Heaven sounds amazing!”

“What heaven? I’m a rabbit somewhere in Arizona.”

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  Old  September 11th, 2017, 3:43pm     #947
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A man is dining in a fancy restaurant and there's a gorgeous redhead sitting at the next table. He's been checking her out since he sat down, but lacks the nerve to talk with her.

Suddenly she sneezes, and her glass eye comes flying out of its socket toward the man. He reflexively reaches out, grabs it out of the air, and hands it back.

"Oh my, I am so sorry," the woman says as she pops her eye back in place. "Let me buy your dinner to make it up to you," she says.

They enjoy a wonderful dinner together, and afterwards they go to the theatre followed by drinks. They talk, they laugh, she shares her deepest dreams and he shares his. She listens. After paying for everything, she asks him if he would like to come to her place for a nightcap.

They had a wonderful time. He stays for breakfast. The next morning, she cooks a gourmet meal with all the trimmings.

The guy is amazed. Everything had been SO incredible!

"You know," he said, "you are the perfect woman, are you this nice to every guy you meet?"

"No," she replies. . ."You just happened to catch my eye."

‎"A keen sense of humor helps us to overlook the unbecoming, understand the unconventional, tolerate the unpleasant, overcome the unexpected and outlast the unbearable." ~ Billy Graham
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  Old  September 13th, 2017, 12:54pm     #948
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At Friday night services, Morris went to his friend Irving and said, “I need a favor. I’m sleeping with the Rabbi’s wife. Can you hold him in synagogue for an hour after services for me?”

Irving was not very fond of the idea, but being Morris’ lifelong friend, he reluctantly agreed.

After services, he struck up a conversation with the Rabbi, asking him all sorts of stupid questions – just to keep him occupied.

After some time the wise Rabbi beame suspicious and asked, “Irving what are you really up to?”

Irving, filled with feelings of guilt and remorse confessed to the Rabbi, “I’m sorry, Rabbi. My friend is sleeping with your wife right now, so he asked me to keep you occupied.”

The Rabbi smiled, put a brotherly hand on Irving’s shoulder and said, “You’d better hurry home, Irving. My wife died two years ago!”

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  Old  September 14th, 2017, 4:08pm     #949
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A lonely widow, aged 70, decided that it was time to get married again. She put an ad in the local paper that read:

HUSBAND WANTED:
MUST BE IN MY AGE GROUP (70s), MUST NOT BEAT ME, MUSTN’T RUN AROUND ON ME, MUST STILL BE GOOD IN BED!!!!! ALL APPLICANTS PLEASE APPLY IN PERSON.

On the second day, she heard the doorbell.

Much to her surprise (and dismay), she opened the door to see a grey-haired gentleman sitting in a wheelchair. He had no arms or legs.

The old woman said, “You’re not really asking me to consider you, are you? Just look at you…you have no legs!”

The old man smiled, “Therefore, I cannot run around on you!”

She snorted, “You don’t have any arms either!”

Again, the old man smiled, “Therefore, I can never beat you!”

She raised an eyebrow and asked intently, “Are you still good in bed???”

The old man leaned back, beamed a big smile and said,

“Rang the doorbell, didn’t I?”

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  Old  September 15th, 2017, 12:22am     #950
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‎"A keen sense of humor helps us to overlook the unbecoming, understand the unconventional, tolerate the unpleasant, overcome the unexpected and outlast the unbearable." ~ Billy Graham
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  Old  September 15th, 2017, 12:33pm     #951
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  Old  September 15th, 2017, 12:43pm     #952
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A minister was seated next to a cowboy on a flight to Texas. After the plane was airborne, drink orders were taken.

The cowboy asked for a whiskey and soda, which was brought and placed before him.

Rather predictably, the minister looked upon the cowboy with scorn – he viewed alcohol as being the work of the devil.

Nevertheless, the flight attendant then asked him if he would like a drink.

He replied in disgust, “I’d rather be savagely raped by brazen whores than let liquor touch my lips.”

The cowboy then handed his drink back to the attendant and said, “Me too. I didn’t know we had a choice.”

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  Old  September 16th, 2017, 9:58pm     #953
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What 8 animals would look like if they had eyes at the front

Nature is truly a majestic thing, but in the hands of someone with photoshop who likes to move eyes around, it can also be both utterly ridiculous and magnificently creepy. 1.

2.

3.

4.

5.

6.

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  Old  September 16th, 2017, 9:58pm     #954
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7.

8.

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  Old  September 23rd, 2017, 10:38am     #955
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A woman's doctor prescribes her testosterone for better bone density, libido, and mood. The woman is a bit dubious, but readily follows the doctor's orders.

A few days later, the doctor gets a call from the woman. "How are you feeling, Mrs. Smith?" he asks.

She replies, "Oh, just wonderful. I am noticing a positive change on these hormones. I am suffering from a little extra hair growth, though."

"Oh, a little extra hair is perfectly normal when on a testosterone course," the doctor says reassuringly. "Where is the hair growing?"

The woman replies, "On my balls."

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  Old  September 25th, 2017, 10:15am     #956
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The News
Posted: 25 Sep 2017 12:01 AM PDT


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  Old  September 26th, 2017, 10:02am     #957
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  Old  September 30th, 2017, 9:23am     #958
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  Old  October 4th, 2017, 3:02pm     #959
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This was too funny not to post here.

IRS Awards Multi-Million Dollar Fraud Prevention Contract To EquifaxBy Bill Galluccio
October 3, 2017


Less than a month after publicly admitting to a massive data breach that put personal information of 145 million American's at risk, Equifax received a $7.25 million contract from the IRS to help combat fraud.

According to Politico the IRS will use Equifax to "verify taxpayer identity."

The Federal Business Opportunities database lists the contract as a "sole source order," which means that Equifax is the only company capable of handling the job.

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  Old  October 5th, 2017, 8:26am     #960
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A flight was on its way to Los Angeles when one of its pilots came and said, "I'm sorry to inform you that one of the flight's engines has stopped functioning. This is no cause for concern because we have three more engines. However, the flight will just be delayed by an hour".

Shortly afterwards, the pilot reappears and says, "I'm terribly sorry, but a second engine on this plane has stopped functioning. There is no danger; this plane can fly quite normally on two engines. However, the flight will now be delayed for two hours."

After about twenty minutes, the pilot comes and says, "I'm afraid that the third engine has stopped functioning as well, but we have one more engine functioning well. The flight will just be delayed for a couple of hours more."

A blonde passenger at the back of the flight turns to another passenger and says angrily, "I hope that last engine doesn't stop functioning! We'll be stuck here all day!"

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