Old  August 22nd, 2017, 10:43am     #961
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A taxi passenger taps the driver on the shoulder to ask him a question.

The driver screams, loses control of the car, nearly hits a bus, goes up on the footpath, and stops centimeters from a shop window.

For a second, everything goes quiet in the cab, then the driver says, "Look mate, don't ever do that again. You scared the daylights out of me!"

The passenger apologizes and says, "I didn't realize that a little tap would scare you so much.”

The driver replies, "Sorry, it's not really your fault. Today is my first day as a cab driver. I've been driving a funeral van for the last 25 years."

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  Old  August 22nd, 2017, 10:49pm     #962
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  Old  August 24th, 2017, 4:05pm     #963
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A man and woman were married for many years, even though they hated each other. Whenever they had a confrontation, yelling could be heard deep into the night.

The old man would shout, "When I die, I will dig my way up and out of the grave and come back and haunt you for the rest of your life!"

Neighbors feared him and the old man liked the fact that he was feared.

Then one evening, he died of a heart attack when he was 98.


After the burial, her neighbors, concerned for her safety, asked, "Aren't you afraid that he may indeed be able to dig his way up and out of the grave and come back to haunt you for the rest of your life?"

The wife said, "let him dig. I had him buried upside down ... and I know he won't ask for directions."

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  Old  August 26th, 2017, 11:36am     #964
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After 10 years, the wife starts to think their kid looks kinda strange so she decides to do a DNA test. She finds out that the kid is actually from completely different parents.


Wife: "Honey, I have something very serious to tell you."


Husband: "What’s up?"


Wife: "According to DNA test results, this is not our kid."


Husband: "Well don't you remember? When we were leaving the hospital, we noticed that our baby had pooped."


Then you said, "Please go change the baby, I’ll wait for you here."

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  Old  August 26th, 2017, 11:38am     #965
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maybe not the best time for this one ...



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  Old  August 27th, 2017, 12:23pm     #966
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  Old  August 27th, 2017, 11:20pm     #967
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  Old  September 1st, 2017, 11:28am     #968
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  Old  September 6th, 2017, 4:57pm     #969
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  Old  September 7th, 2017, 10:46pm     #970
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  Old  September 11th, 2017, 9:23am     #971
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Two friends who grew old together made a deal that whoever died first would come back and inform the other how life after death was. Their biggest fear was that there was no after life at all.

After a long life, Dan was the first to die. Benny mourned him, and waited for him to come and visit.

True to his word, two months later, as Benny was sleeping, the voice of Dan appeared in his head.

“Benny…Benny…”

“My gosh … Is that you, Dan?”

“Yes, I’ve come back like we agreed.”

“That’s wonderful! What’s it like?”

“Well, I get up in the morning, I have intercourse. I have breakfast and then it’s off to the golf course. I have intercourse again, bathe in the warm sun and then have intercourse a couple more times… then I have lunch (keeping healthy, lots of greens).

Another romp around the golf course, then pretty much have intercourse the rest of the afternoon. After supper, it’s back to the golf course again. Then it’s more intercourse until late at night. I catch some much needed sleep and then the next day it starts all over again.”

“Wow, Dan! Heaven sounds amazing!”

“What heaven? I’m a rabbit somewhere in Arizona.”

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  Old  September 11th, 2017, 4:43pm     #972
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A man is dining in a fancy restaurant and there's a gorgeous redhead sitting at the next table. He's been checking her out since he sat down, but lacks the nerve to talk with her.

Suddenly she sneezes, and her glass eye comes flying out of its socket toward the man. He reflexively reaches out, grabs it out of the air, and hands it back.

"Oh my, I am so sorry," the woman says as she pops her eye back in place. "Let me buy your dinner to make it up to you," she says.

They enjoy a wonderful dinner together, and afterwards they go to the theatre followed by drinks. They talk, they laugh, she shares her deepest dreams and he shares his. She listens. After paying for everything, she asks him if he would like to come to her place for a nightcap.

They had a wonderful time. He stays for breakfast. The next morning, she cooks a gourmet meal with all the trimmings.

The guy is amazed. Everything had been SO incredible!

"You know," he said, "you are the perfect woman, are you this nice to every guy you meet?"

"No," she replies. . ."You just happened to catch my eye."

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  Old  September 13th, 2017, 1:54pm     #973
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At Friday night services, Morris went to his friend Irving and said, “I need a favor. I’m sleeping with the Rabbi’s wife. Can you hold him in synagogue for an hour after services for me?”

Irving was not very fond of the idea, but being Morris’ lifelong friend, he reluctantly agreed.

After services, he struck up a conversation with the Rabbi, asking him all sorts of stupid questions – just to keep him occupied.

After some time the wise Rabbi beame suspicious and asked, “Irving what are you really up to?”

Irving, filled with feelings of guilt and remorse confessed to the Rabbi, “I’m sorry, Rabbi. My friend is sleeping with your wife right now, so he asked me to keep you occupied.”

The Rabbi smiled, put a brotherly hand on Irving’s shoulder and said, “You’d better hurry home, Irving. My wife died two years ago!”

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  Old  September 14th, 2017, 10:45am     #974
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  Old  September 14th, 2017, 5:08pm     #975
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A lonely widow, aged 70, decided that it was time to get married again. She put an ad in the local paper that read:

HUSBAND WANTED:
MUST BE IN MY AGE GROUP (70s), MUST NOT BEAT ME, MUSTN’T RUN AROUND ON ME, MUST STILL BE GOOD IN BED!!!!! ALL APPLICANTS PLEASE APPLY IN PERSON.

On the second day, she heard the doorbell.

Much to her surprise (and dismay), she opened the door to see a grey-haired gentleman sitting in a wheelchair. He had no arms or legs.

The old woman said, “You’re not really asking me to consider you, are you? Just look at you…you have no legs!”

The old man smiled, “Therefore, I cannot run around on you!”

She snorted, “You don’t have any arms either!”

Again, the old man smiled, “Therefore, I can never beat you!”

She raised an eyebrow and asked intently, “Are you still good in bed???”

The old man leaned back, beamed a big smile and said,

“Rang the doorbell, didn’t I?”

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