Old  December 5th, 2018, 12:27am     #1156
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Thanks for sharing it..

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  Old  December 10th, 2018, 12:14pm     #1157
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Three handsome male dogs are walking down the street when they see a beautiful, enticing, female Poodle.

The three male dogs fall all over themselves in an effort to be the one to reach her first, but end up arriving in front of her at the same time.

The males are speechless before her beauty, slobbering on themselves and hoping for just a glance from her in return.

Aware of her charms and her obvious effect on the three suitors, she decides to be kind and tells them, “The first one who can use the words “liver” and “cheese” together in an imaginative, intelligent sentence can go out with me.”

The sturdy, muscular black Lab speaks up quickly and says “I love liver and cheese.”

“Oh, how childish,” said the Poodle, “That shows no imagination or intelligence whatsoever.”

She turned to the tall, shiny Golden Retriever and said: “How well can you do?”

“Ummm…I HATE liver and cheese,” blurts the Golden Retriever.

“My, my,” said the Poodle, “I guess it’s hopeless. That’s just as dumb as the Lab’s sentence.”

She then turns to the last of the three dogs and says, “How about you, little guy?”

The last of the three, tiny in stature but big in fame and finesse, is the Chihuahua.

He gives her a smile, a sly wink, turns to the Golden Retriever and the Lab and says, “Liver alone, cheese mine.”
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  Old  December 12th, 2018, 1:27pm     #1158
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At a hotel restaurant, a man sees an attractive woman sitting alone at the next table.

Suddenly, she sneezes, and a glass eye comes flying out of her eye socket. It hurls by the man, and he snatches it from the air and hands it back to her.

"This is so embarrassing," the woman says, and she pops her eye back in place. "I'm sorry to have disturbed you. Let me buy dinner to make it up to you. May I join you?" He nods.

The woman is a stimulating conversationalist, stunningly pretty, and the man finds they have a lot in common. He gets her phone number and asks, "You are the most charming woman I've ever encountered. Are you this nice to every guy you meet?"

"No," she replies. "You just happened to catch my eye."


~~~~~


(these jokes are getting cornea and cornea.)

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  Old  December 14th, 2018, 7:49am     #1159
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  Old  December 17th, 2018, 8:46am     #1160
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Ssssanta
Posted: 17 Dec 2018 12:01 AM PST

And more Santa!

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  Old  December 17th, 2018, 3:52pm     #1161
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  Old  December 20th, 2018, 2:38pm     #1162
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A very religious man lived right next door to an atheist.

While the religious one prayed day in, day out, and was constantly on his knees in communion with his Lord, the atheist never even looked twice at a church.

However, the atheist's life was good, he had a well-paying job and a beautiful wife, and his children were healthy and good-natured, whereas the pious man's job was strenuous and his wages were low, his wife was getting fatter every day and his kids wouldn't give him the time of the day.


So one day, deep in prayer as usual, the pious man raised his eyes towards heaven and asked: "Oh God, I honor you every day, I ask your advice for every problem and confess to you my every sin. Yet my neighbor, who doesn't even believe in you and certainly never prays, seems blessed with every happiness, while I go poor and suffer many an indignity.

Why is this?"

And a great voice was heard from above... "BECAUSE HE DOESN'T BOTHER ME ALL THE TIME!"

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  Old  December 21st, 2018, 7:27am     #1163
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Non Sequitur by Wiley Miller
12/21/18


Last edited by duknuk; May 1st, 2019 at 3:36pm.

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  Old  December 26th, 2018, 7:49am     #1164
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  Old  January 3rd, 2019, 3:19pm     #1165
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Upon entering the little country store, the stranger noticed a sign saying "DANGER! BEWARE OF DOG!" posted on the glass door.

Inside he noticed a harmless old hound dog asleep on the floor besides the cash register.

He asked the store manager, "Is THAT the dog folks are supposed to beware of?"

"Yep, that's him," he replied.

The stranger couldn't help but be amused. "That certainly doesn't look like a dangerous dog to me. Why in the world would you post that sign?"

"Because," the owner replied, "before I posted that sign, people kept tripping over him."

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  Old  January 5th, 2019, 10:28pm     #1166
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For nearly a year now, I have been investing heavily into stocks.

That’s chicken, beef and vegetable.

I will soon be a bouillonaire.


~~~~~~


Did you know Raymond Burr had a brother who was a lumberjack?
His name was Tim.

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  Old  January 7th, 2019, 8:12am     #1167
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An Englishman, a Frenchman, a Spaniard and a German are all standing watching a street performer do some excellent juggling.

The juggler notices that the four gentlemen have a very poor view, so he stands up on a large wooden box and calls out, “Can you all see me now?”

“Yes.”
“Oui.”
“Sí.”
“Ja.”

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  Old  January 7th, 2019, 10:37am     #1168
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Last year I learned that most accidents take place within a mile from home.

So we moved.


~~~~~


I had an uncle who had the most bizarre fixation back in the day- he would drink brake fluid.

Maybe back in those days it was less toxic than it is today, because he never expired of it, but we were always worried about him doing it.

I remember one time my dad told him that he was addicted and needed to cut it out, that it was bad for him.

My uncle replied “Nonsense, I can stop anytime.”

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  Old  January 7th, 2019, 10:42am     #1169
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I posted this one in 2015, but it's so much better when told by chimps.


+ YouTube Video
ERROR: If you can see this, then YouTube is down or you don't have Flash installed.



https://www.youtube.com/watch?time_c...&v=PVZieID1pwk

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  Old  January 8th, 2019, 12:32pm     #1170
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Two mice live in a movie studio warehouse and are looking for food. Suddenly one hears the other chewing.

"What did you find?" he asks.

"I am not sure," comes the answer. "It looks like a piece of film celluloid from an old movie. Let me see ... Ah, yes. It is from 'Gone with the Wind.'"

"So how is it?"

"Eh, the book was better."

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