Old  August 3rd, 2018, 8:11am     #1156
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Freshly Ground
Posted: 03 Aug 2018 12:01 AM PDT

And that’s it for my impromptu coffee-themed week!

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  Old  August 4th, 2018, 1:53pm     #1157
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Vocabulary

Accountant - Someone who knows the cost of everything and the value of nothing.

Auditor - Someone who arrives after the battle and bayonets all the wounded.

Banker - The fellow who lends you his umbrella when the sun is shining and wants it back the minute it begins to rain. (Mark Twain)

Economist - An expert who will know tomorrow why the things he predicted yesterday didn't happen today.

Statistician - Someone who is good with numbers but lacks the personality to be an accountant.

Actuary - Someone who brings a fake bomb on a plane, because that decreases the chances that there will be another bomb on the plane.

Programmer - Someone who solves a problem you didn't know you had in a way you don't understand.

Mathematician - A blind man in a dark room looking for a black cat which isn't there.

Lawyer - A person who writes a 10,000 word document and calls it a "brief."

Psychologist - A man who watches everyone else when a beautiful girl enters the room.

Schoolteacher - A disillusioned woman who used to think she liked children.

Consultant - Someone who takes the watch off your wrist and tells you the time.

Diplomat - Someone who can tell you to go to hell in such a way that you will look forward to the trip.

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  Old  August 9th, 2018, 5:40pm     #1158
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A man boarded a train and said to the conductor, “I’m a heavy sleeper. Please be sure to wake me at 2:00 a.m. so that I can get off in Atlanta. Whatever I say, get me up. I have an extremely important business there!”

The next morning the man woke up in Richmond. He found the conductor and shouted, “Do you know how angry I am?”

“Probably about as angry as the man I had get off in Atlanta,” replied the conductor.

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  Old  August 11th, 2018, 11:02pm     #1159
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  Old  August 14th, 2018, 10:30am     #1160
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  Old  August 14th, 2018, 1:48pm     #1161
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  Old  August 15th, 2018, 8:18am     #1162
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In a NYTimes article today, this was in the interview with Jerry Seinfeld ...


Quote:
Let’s say that we’re sending another Voyager out into space, and you get to choose the one joke we include on the golden record to represent comedy to the aliens. What joke would you pick?



I would put in Rodney Dangerfield’s joke: “I was making love with my wife, and she had a faraway look in her eyes, and I said, ‘Darling, is there someone else?’ and she said, ‘There must be.’ ”




If you want to read the rest of the piece ...
https://www.nytimes.com/2018/08/15/magazine/jerry-seinfeld-says-jokes-are-not-real-life.html

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  Old  August 15th, 2018, 11:56am     #1163
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A young ventriloquist is touring Norway and puts on a show in a small fishing town. With his dummy on his knee, he starts going through his usual dumb blonde jokes.

Suddenly, a blonde woman in the fourth row stands on her chair and starts shouting, 'I've heard enough of your stupid blonde jokes. What makes you think you can stereotype Norwegian blonde women that way? What does the color of a woman's hair have to do with her worth as a human being?

It's men like you who keep women like me from being respected at work and in the community, and from reaching our full potential as people. Its people like you that make others think that all blondes are dumb. You and your kind continue to perpetuate discrimination against not only blondes but women in general, pathetically all in the name of humor!'

The embarrassed ventriloquist begins to apologize, and the blonde interrupts yelling, 'You stay out of this ... I'm talking to that little shit on your lap.'

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  Old  August 17th, 2018, 9:12am     #1164
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  Old  August 17th, 2018, 9:13am     #1165
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  Old  August 20th, 2018, 4:44pm     #1166
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SMILE OF THE DAY

A fourth-grade teacher was giving her pupils a lesson in logic.

"Here is the situation," she said. "A man is standing up in a boat in the middle of a river, fishing. He loses his balance, falls in, and begins splashing and yelling for help. His wife hears the commotion, knows he can't swim, and runs down to the bank. Why do you think she ran to the bank?"

A girl raised her hand and asked, "To withdraw all his money from his savings account?"

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  Old  August 20th, 2018, 5:09pm     #1167
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  Old  August 20th, 2018, 5:19pm     #1168
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I just heard that the man who fell into

an upholstery machine last week is fully recovered.

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  Old  August 20th, 2018, 10:49pm     #1169
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  Old  August 20th, 2018, 11:33pm     #1170
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