Old  October 25th, 2018, 3:27pm     #1141
sparkle8 is offline
sparkle8
Grand Master Sweeper
 
sparkle8's Avatar
 
Joined: Nov 2004
Posts: 18,911
Location: Des Moines, Iowa
A man doing market research knocked on a door and was greeted by a young woman with three small children running around at her feet. He says, 'I'm doing some research for Vaseline. Have you ever used the product?'

She says, 'Yes. My husband and I use it all the time.'
'And if you don't mind me asking, what do you use it for?'

'We use it for sex.'

The researcher was a little taken back. 'Usually people lie to me and say that they use it on a child's bicycle chain or to help with a gate hinge. But, in fact, I know that most people do use it for sex. I admire you for your honesty. Since you've been frank so far, can you tell me exactly how you use it for sex?'

The woman says, 'I don't mind telling you at all... My husband and I put it on the door knob and it keeps the kids out.'

‎"A keen sense of humor helps us to overlook the unbecoming, understand the unconventional, tolerate the unpleasant, overcome the unexpected and outlast the unbearable." ~ Billy Graham
http://www.swagbucks.com/refer/Sparkle8 If I win, you win at Swagbucks!
Reply With Quote
  Old  October 26th, 2018, 7:25am     #1142
duknuk is offline
duknuk
Grand Master Sweeper
 
duknuk's Avatar
 
Joined: Jun 2003
Posts: 19,427
Location: Where the buk-buk stops on Long Island.
sparkle !

....duknuk's chicks are here!
Reply With Quote
  Old  October 26th, 2018, 12:46pm     #1143
duknuk is offline
duknuk
Grand Master Sweeper
 
duknuk's Avatar
 
Joined: Jun 2003
Posts: 19,427
Location: Where the buk-buk stops on Long Island.
I was flying from San Francisco to Los Angeles. By the time we took off, there had been a 45-minute delay and everybody on board was ticked. Unexpectedly, we stopped in Sacramento on the way. The flight attendant explained that there would be another 45-minute delay, and if we wanted to get off the aircraft, we would re-board in thirty minutes.

Everybody got off the plane except one gentleman who was blind. I noticed him as I walked by and could tell he had flown before because his seeing eye dog lay quietly underneath the seats in front of him throughout the entire flight. I could also tell he had flown this very flight before because the pilot approached him and, calling him by name, said, "Keith, we're in Sacramento for almost an hour. Would you like to get off and stretch your legs?"

Keith replied, "No thanks, but maybe my dog would like to stretch his legs. Would you take him for me please?"

Now picture this. All the people in the gate area came to a completely quiet standstill when they looked up and saw the pilot walk off the plane with a seeing eye dog! The pilot was even wearing sunglasses that day. People scattered not only trying to change planes but also trying to change airlines!

....duknuk's chicks are here!
Reply With Quote
  Old  October 31st, 2018, 9:06am     #1144
awssm is offline
awssm
Grand Master Sweeper
 
awssm's Avatar
 
Joined: Oct 2009
Posts: 12,981
Location: Middle of nowhere and halfway to somewhere
Blame Trump

America: Love it or give it back.
Reply With Quote
  Old  October 31st, 2018, 1:11pm     #1145
FredTal is offline
FredTal
Junior Sweeper

 
Joined: May 2018
Posts: 4
Location: Miami, Florida
Little Johnny kills a honeybee
While playing in the backyard, Little Johnny kills a honeybee.
His father sees him killing the honeybee and angrily says, "No honey for you for one month!"
Later that afternoon, Johnny's dad catches him tearing the wings off a butterfly.
"That's it! No butter for you for one month!" says his dad.
Later that evening as Johnny's mother cooks dinner, a cockroach run across the kitchen floor.
She jumps and stomps on it, and then looks up to find Little Johnny and her husband watching her.
Little Johnny looks at his father and says, "Are you going to tell her, Dad, or do you want me to?"
Reply With Quote
  Old  October 31st, 2018, 1:17pm     #1146
FredTal is offline
FredTal
Junior Sweeper

 
Joined: May 2018
Posts: 4
Location: Miami, Florida
Haha
Two old men, Abe and Sol, sit on a park bench feeding pigeons and talking about baseball.
Abe turns to Sol and asks, "Do you think there's baseball in Heaven?"
Sol thinks about it for a minute and replies, "I dunno.
But let's make a deal -- if I die first, I'll come back and tell you if there's baseball in Heaven, and if you die first, you do the same."
They shake on it and sadly, a few months later, poor Abe passes on.
Soon afterward, Sol sits in the park feeding the pigeons by himself and hears a voice whisper, "Sol... Sol... ."
Sol responds, "Abe! Is that you?"
"Yes it is, Sol," whispers Abe's ghost.
Sol, still amazed, asks, "So, is there baseball in Heaven?"
"Well," says Abe, "I've got good news and bad news."
"Gimme the good news first," says Sol.
Abe says, "Well, there is baseball in Heaven."
Sol says, "That's great! What news could be bad enough to ruin that?"
Abe sighs and whispers, "You're pitching on Friday."

I love good jokes.
Reply With Quote
  Old  October 31st, 2018, 1:27pm     #1147
duknuk is offline
duknuk
Grand Master Sweeper
 
duknuk's Avatar
 
Joined: Jun 2003
Posts: 19,427
Location: Where the buk-buk stops on Long Island.
There was a young Scottish boy called Angus who decided to try life in Australia. He found an apartment in a small block and settled in.

After a week or two, his mother called from Aberdeen to see how her son was doing in his new life.

'I'm fine, ' Angus said. 'But there are some really strange people living in these apartments. One woman cried all day long, another lies on her floor moaning, and there is a guy next door to me who bangs his head on the wall all the time.'

'Well, ma laddie,' says his mother, 'I suggest you don't associate with people like that.'

'Oh,' says Angus, 'I don't, Mam, I don't. No, I just stay inside my apartment all day and night, playing my bagpipes.'

....duknuk's chicks are here!
Reply With Quote
  Old  November 1st, 2018, 12:15pm     #1148
duknuk is offline
duknuk
Grand Master Sweeper
 
duknuk's Avatar
 
Joined: Jun 2003
Posts: 19,427
Location: Where the buk-buk stops on Long Island.
There were these two elderly people living in a Florida mobile home park.
He was a widower and she a widow. They had known one another for a number of years.

Now, one evening there was a community supper in the big activity center.
These two were at the same table, across from one another.

As the meal went on, he made a few admiring glances at her and finally gathered up his courage to ask her, “Will you marry me?”

After a dramatic pause and precisely six seconds of ‘careful consideration,’ she answered. “Yes. Yes, I will.”

The meal ended and with a few more pleasant exchanges and they went to their respective places.

Next morning, he was troubled. “Did she say ‘yes’ or did she say ‘no’?”
He couldn’t remember. Try as he would, he just could not recall. Not even a faint memory.

With trepidation, he went to the telephone and called her.

First, he explained to her that he didn’t remember as well as he used to.
Then he reviewed the lovely evening past.

As he gained a little more courage, he then inquired of her, “When I asked if you would marry me, did you say ‘Yes’ or did you say ‘No’?”

He was delighted to hear her say, “Why, I said, ‘Yes, yes I will’ and I meant it with all my heart.”

Then she continued, “And I am so glad that you called because I couldn’t remember who had asked me.”

....duknuk's chicks are here!
Reply With Quote
  Old  November 2nd, 2018, 5:20pm     #1149
jenhen33 is offline
jenhen33
Sweeper

 
Joined: Nov 2011
Posts: 106
Location: Sunny little beach town in San Diego county. :)
Great jokes, thanks for the entertainment.
Reply With Quote
  Old  November 5th, 2018, 8:50am     #1150
duknuk is offline
duknuk
Grand Master Sweeper
 
duknuk's Avatar
 
Joined: Jun 2003
Posts: 19,427
Location: Where the buk-buk stops on Long Island.
An 18th-century vagabond in England, exhausted and famished, came to a roadside Inn with a sign reading: "George and the Dragon."

He knocked.

The Innkeeper's wife stuck her head out a window.

"Could ye spare some victuals?" he asked.

The woman glanced at his shabby, dirty clothes. "No!" she shouted.

"Could I have a pint of ale?"

"No!" she shouted.

"Could I at least sleep in your stable?"

"No!" she shouted again.

The vagabond said, "Might I please ...?"

"What now?" the woman screeched, not allowing him to finish.

"D'ye suppose," he asked, "that I might have a word with George?"

....duknuk's chicks are here!
Reply With Quote
  Old  November 12th, 2018, 8:11am     #1151
duknuk is offline
duknuk
Grand Master Sweeper
 
duknuk's Avatar
 
Joined: Jun 2003
Posts: 19,427
Location: Where the buk-buk stops on Long Island.
Sing
Posted: 12 Nov 2018 12:01 AM PST

And more talent.

....duknuk's chicks are here!
Reply With Quote
  Old  November 19th, 2018, 11:00am     #1152
duknuk is offline
duknuk
Grand Master Sweeper
 
duknuk's Avatar
 
Joined: Jun 2003
Posts: 19,427
Location: Where the buk-buk stops on Long Island.



A travel agent looked up from his desk to see an older lady and an older gentleman peering in the shop window at the posters showing the glamorous destinations around the world.

The agent had had a good week and the dejected couple looking in the window gave him a rare feeling of generosity.

He called them into his shop and said, “I know that on your pension you could never hope to have a holiday, so I am sending you off to a fabulous resort at my expense, and I won’t take no for an answer.”

He took them inside and asked his secretary to write two flight tickets and book a room in a five-star hotel.

They, as can be expected, gladly accepted, and were on their way.
About a month later the little lady came into his shop.
“And how did you like your holiday?” he asked eagerly.

“The flight was exciting and the room was lovely,” she said. “I’ve come to thank you. But, one thing puzzled me.

Who was that old guy I had to share the room with?”

....duknuk's chicks are here!
Reply With Quote
  Old  November 20th, 2018, 5:26pm     #1153
laura264 is offline
laura264
Master Sweeper
 
laura264's Avatar
 
Joined: Jan 2005
Posts: 4,317
Location: Montana
Quote:
Originally Posted by duknuk View Post
Ok. That just blew my mind.
Reply With Quote
  Old  November 23rd, 2018, 8:26am     #1154
duknuk is offline
duknuk
Grand Master Sweeper
 
duknuk's Avatar
 
Joined: Jun 2003
Posts: 19,427
Location: Where the buk-buk stops on Long Island.
It was the beginning of a new academic year at the college, and the freshmen were beginning to arrive.

The job of introducing the newcomers to their new surroundings belonged to the Dean of Women.

During the opening speech of the lecture, the Dean saw fit to bring up the subject of sexual morality, in line with the college’s conservative values.

She asked the freshmen: “In moments of temptation, ask yourselves just one question: Is an hour of pleasure worth a lifetime of shame?”

The freshmen half-heartedly muttered in agreement, and the lecture went on without interruption.

At the end of the lecture, the Dean decided to ask the freshmen if they had any questions.

One of the girls timidly raised her hand and said:

“How do you make it last for a whole hour?”

....duknuk's chicks are here!
Reply With Quote
  Old  December 4th, 2018, 10:42am     #1155
duknuk is offline
duknuk
Grand Master Sweeper
 
duknuk's Avatar
 
Joined: Jun 2003
Posts: 19,427
Location: Where the buk-buk stops on Long Island.
Pill Bottle
Posted: 04 Dec 2018 12:01 AM PST

....duknuk's chicks are here!
Reply With Quote
Reply

Tags
joke, laugh

Thread Tools
Display Modes

Posting Rules
You may not post new threads
You may not post replies
You may not post attachments
You may not edit your posts

BB code is On
Smilies are On
[IMG] code is On
HTML code is Off


All times are GMT -4. The time now is 8:48pm.