Old  June 11th, 2018, 5:10pm     #1126
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Last edited by duknuk; July 11th, 2018 at 11:50am.

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  Old  June 13th, 2018, 8:30am     #1127
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A man joins a big corporate empire as a trainee. On his very first day of work, he dials the pantry and shouts into the phone, "Get me a coffee, quickly!"

The voice from the other side responded, "You fool you've dialed the wrong extension! Do you know who you're talking to, dumbo?"

"No," replied the trainee.

"It's the CEO of the company, you fool!"

The trainee shouts back, "And do you know who YOU are talking to, you fool?!"

"No," replied the CEO indignantly.

"Good!" replied the trainee, and puts down the phone.

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  Old  June 13th, 2018, 8:32am     #1128
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Anyone else find it odd that on Star Trek,
when they "boldly go where no one has gone before,"
they always end up meeting someone?

~~~~~

Did you know ...

You can fly from any airport without announcing it on facebook?

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  Old  June 14th, 2018, 4:26pm     #1129
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Joe passed away. His will provided $30,000 for an elaborate funeral.

As the last guests departed the affair, his wife, Helen, turned to her oldest friend.

“Well, I’m sure Joe would be pleased,” she said.

“I’m sure you’re right,” replied Jody, who lowered her voice and leaned in close.

“How much did this really cost?”

“All of it,” said Helen. “Thirty thousand.”

“No!” Jody exclaimed. “I mean, it was very nice, but $30,000?”

Helen answered. “The funeral was $6,500. I donated $500 to the church. The wake, food, and drinks were another $500. The rest went for the memorial stone.”

Jody computed quickly. “$22,500 for a memorial stone? My God, how big is it?!”

“Two and a half carats.”

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  Old  June 19th, 2018, 8:35am     #1130
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Not Coming In

Posted: 19 Jun 2018 12:01 AM PDT


More days at the beach.

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  Old  June 21st, 2018, 2:15pm     #1131
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  Old  June 26th, 2018, 2:56pm     #1132
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A wife arriving home from a shopping trip was horrified to find her husband in bed with a lovely young woman. She screamed at him: “You’re a pig! A pig with no honor! How dare you do this to me! I’m your faithful wife!” She was about to storm off, when her husband stopped her with these words: “Wait a minute, let me at least explain what happened!”

“Fine!” sobbed the angry wife, “but they will be your LAST words to me!”
“Well, while I was driving along the highway, I saw this young girl here, looking tired and haggard. I felt sorry for her, so I brought her home. She was hungry, so I made her a meal from the roast beef you thought was too fattening.
Her sandals were torn so I gave her a pair of good shoes you had discarded because they had gone out of style.
She was cold, so I gave her the sweater I got you for your birthday that you don’t wear because the colors don’t suit you.

Her slacks were worn out, so I gave her a pair of yours that you liked before your sister bought the same pair.

Then, as she was about to leave the house, she turned to me and said pleadingly, “Please, please, is there anything ELSE your wife doesn’t use anymore?”

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  Old  June 26th, 2018, 3:40pm     #1133
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A priest, a drunkard and an engineer were led to the guillotine.

They asked the priest if he wanted to face up or down when he met his fate. The priest said that he would like to face up so he would be looking towards heaven when he died. They raised the blade of the guillotine, released it, it came speeding down and suddenly stopped just inches from his neck. The authorities took this as divine intervention and released the priest.

Next the drunkard came to the guillotine. He also decided to die face up hoping that he would be as fortunate as the priest. They raised the blade of the guillotine, released it, it came speeding down and suddenly stopped just inches from his neck. So they released the drunkard as well.

The engineer was next. He too decided to die facing up. They slowly raised the blade of the guillotine, when suddenly the engineer said, "Hey, I see what your problem is."

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  Old  June 26th, 2018, 3:49pm     #1134
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An engineer took a cruise to the South Pacific Islands. It was wonderful; the experience of his life. But, alas, a cyclone came up unexpectedly and the ship went down. He was swept onto the shore of an island. No people, no supplies, nothing.

He explored but found nothing other that some bananas and coconuts. He was desperate and forlorn, but what could he do? For the next four months he ate bananas, drank coconut juice and looked for a ship to come to his rescue.

One day, he spotted a rowboat coming from what looked like the other side of the island. In it was a gorgeous woman. She was tawny and tanned, and her hair flowing in the breeze gave her an ethereal quality. When she reached him, he asked excitedly, "Where did you come from? How did you get here?"

She said, "I rowed from the other side of the island. My cruise ship sank four months ago."

"Amazing," he said, "I didn't know anyone else had survived. How many of you are there? You are really lucky that a rowboat washed up with you."

"There is no one else--only me," she said, "and the rowboat didn't wash up. I built it out of raw material I found on the island. The oars I whittled from gum tree branches, I wove the bottom from palm branches, and the sides and stern came from a eucalyptus."

"But--but," asked the man, "What did you use for tools?" "Oh, no problem," replied the woman, "On the south side of the island there is a very unusual stratum of alluvial rock. I found that if I fired it to a certain temperature in my kiln, it melted into forgeable iron."

"But enough of that," she said. "Where do you live?" The man confessed he had been sleeping on the beach.

"Let's row over to my place," she said. So they got into the rowboat and left for her side of the island. The woman tied up the rowboat with a beautifully woven hemp rope. They walked up a stone walk to an exquisite bungalow. "It's not much," she said, "but I call it home. Would you like a drink?"

"No," he answered, "One more coconut juice and I will puke." "I have a still," said the woman, "How about a Pina Colada?" Trying to hide his amazement, the man accepted, and they sat down on her couch.

After a while, the woman asked, "Tell me, have you always had a beard?" "No," the man replied, "I was clean shaven all my life." "Well, if you would like to shave, there is a razor in the cabinet in the upstairs bathroom."

The man, no longer questioning anything, went to the bathroom. In the cabinet was a razor made from a bone handle, two shells honed to an edge were fastened to its end inside of a swivel mechanism. The man shaved, showered and went back downstairs. "You look great," she said. "I think I will slip into something more comfortable."

After a short time, she returned wearing strategically positioned fig leaves and smelling faintly of gardenia. "Tell me," she asked, "We have both been out here for a very long time with no companionship. Have you been lonely? Is there anything that you miss? Something that all men and women crave? Something that would be really nice to have right now?"

"Yes there is," the man replied, and moved closer to her. "Tell me, do you have an Internet connection?"

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  Old  June 26th, 2018, 3:52pm     #1135
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A scientist and an engineer were sharing a prison cell, both sentenced to be shot at dawn. Fortunately, they came up with a plan. As the physicist was led out to the firing squad, the engineer set fire to a small pile of straw on the window-ledge of their cell.

"Look!" the physicist yelled to his captors. "The prison is burning!" The firing squad dropped their weapons and ran to put out the conflagration. Furthermore, the Warden decided that the scientist deserved a pardon for saving the prison.

The next day the firing squad came for the engineer. As you might guess, the scientist was having a much harder time getting a large enough fire going outside the prison to draw attention. As it happens, it wasn't until the engineer was staring down the rifle barrels that he finally saw enough smoke. So, as fast as he could, the engineer yelled "Fire!"

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  Old  June 26th, 2018, 3:57pm     #1136
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Two bone weary programmers were working their little hearts and souls out. Their department was just too busy for staff to be able take a break. But there had to be a way...

One of the two programmers suddenly lifted his head. "I know how to get some time off work" the man whispered.

"How?" asked the second worker.

Instead of answering, the man quickly looked around. No sign of his PL. He jumped up on his desk, kicked out a couple of ceiling tiles and hoisted himself up. "Look!" he hissed, then swinging his legs over a metal pipe, hung upside down.

Within seconds, the PL emerged from the Branch Head's office at the far end of the floor. He saw the programmer hanging from the ceiling, and asked him what on earth he thought he was doing.

"I'm a light bulb" answered the programmer.

"I think you need some time off," barked the PL. "Get out of here – that's an order - and I don't want to see you back here for at least another two days! You understand me?"

"Yes sir", the programmer answered meekly, then jumped down, logged off his computer and left.

The second programmer was hot on his heels.

"Where do you think you're going?" the boss asked.

"Home," he said lightly. "I can't work in the dark."

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  Old  July 1st, 2018, 2:23pm     #1137
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What do you call a potato wearing glasses?
A spec-tater.

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  Old  July 1st, 2018, 2:30pm     #1138
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  Old  July 4th, 2018, 7:47am     #1139
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  Old  July 8th, 2018, 7:40am     #1140
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