Does the grief ever ease?

[beautiful_hotty]

I am hopeing that someone can tell me a good book to get my dear brother.
Three years ago his wife of 21 years was taken from him and his five children. She and another teacher were hit by a train as they drove back to the school, both were killed instantly. He is a very private person, he rarely confides in anyone. He trys to appear as if he is doing fine. He does not want to burden people with his grief. Christmas was super hard on him. His wife had always made such a big deal and had so much fun finding the perfect presents for everyone. His children are very active. Three are in college and two still at home but busy with friends and activities.
He finally confided a little to our mother. He misses Debbie so much to this day! He admits some days are a little better than others but none are what you would consider good (not a day goes by that the pain isnt there.) Yes, he did start to date about a year ago. Shes a wonderful woman and he does like her alot but he still misses Debbie and now even tho he knows he should not feel guilty, he does. Guilty because he feels like he's cheating on Debbie and also because he knows his girlfriend is crazy about him and he cant give her back the Love she feels for him. He knows that nothing is going to bring Debbie back and he knows there are other people who hurt like he does at the loss of someone they loved. He knows his children miss her and all the people who loved her miss her (but oh Lord how he still misses her!) You have to know a little about him. He would do anything for someone in need and not accept anything in return. He would give a person the shirt off his back so to speak and not want thanks! He does his best to hide his grief and except for the haunted faraway look in his eyes and the little half-hearted smile you wouldnt know that he still isnt the man we knew and love. To put it simply the joy is gone from his life! Yes, he loves his children and is proud of them and at times does smile, but never a real deep down in the heart kind of Joy.He misses that too, he wants to feel alive again! He tried some of the grief support groups on the internet but it didnt seem to help. Its nice to know your not alone but its depressing to know so many people are suffering. Any ideas? He'd never talk to me again if he knew I asked the whole world for advice about his problem. I'm sorry to ask for all your help, I just love him so much! When he hurts I hurt! Any ideas?
GodBless and keep all of you and yours safe! :worry:

[ResourcePress]

My sister in law lost her husband suddenly in 1994. She let me compile some of her favorite quotations with Bible verses that kept her going when she didn't want to go on. Elim Books is the publisher. PM me and I will send you a free copy. If it is something that you think will help your brother, send it to him. Otherwise keep it for yourself.

[JOYWIND]

I honestly don't know how people persevere through such tragic events. I'm not sure how I could ever surive if anything ripped my family from me.

Has your brother ever considered counseling? Since he is so private it might help to have someone who is objective listen to his feelings.

Online support groups are nice but that is no substitute for face to face human interaction. It may seem like these people are wallowing in their grief but the beauty of these groups are they provide a safety zone to vent and pour out your heart with people suffering with similiar issues. He will also encounter others who have effectively managed their grief, moved on and that can provide a rock hard shoulder and comforting advice.

I seriously think he should consider counseling. It is available on a sliding scale in many areas if finance is an issue. It is the birthright of everyone to be happy and I'm sure his children need their daddy back too.

Your family will be in my thoughts and prayers. Blessings to you and yours.

:(

[LunaTIC]

I wish I had answers for you. Some of us just don't heal like others do. I myself lost my mother in 1994 and to this day there are some things that I just cannot bear. We were very close and when she died a part of me died with her. As sad as that is to say, it's true. The hardest time for me is holidays. I pretty much avoid the holidays to keep from bringing my sadness onto others that don't understand how a person can linger in grief for so many years.

My heart goes out to you and your brother. May God be with you all! :grouphug:

[wildbirds]

Embraced by the light by Betty J Eadie is a wonderful book! She has 3 books out but Embraced and one called the Ripple Effect are the best. Also another book called Hello from Heaven is another good book filled with stories that will help ease the pain.

The book Embraced by the light is one of the best I've ever read. I loaned out my book to a dozen or more people and they all said it changed the way they looked at life and death.

I hope this helps. Blessings to you and your family.

[ccat45]

I agree with Joiwind. There are grief counselers and group meetings. Maybe by talking to people who have been through the same experience will help. Many times we feel like we're the only one who has experienced something and to know we are not alone does help.

[salemnana]

I was married twice and widowed twice before I was 42 years old....so I do know something about getting over grief. Counseling is great - a lot of church or civic organizations have grief counseling classes that are a real help. But what I found most helpful for me was to create new traditions surrounding the holidays. Don't try and do things the way you always did before....it makes the void left by your loved one just that much more acute. The first couple of years I didn't even want to celebrate any holidays, but that would have been harder on my children. But by doing new things, we slowly made it back to normal.

I am glad your brother is dating. My prayers are with him. He has a tough road ahead but maybe someone can walk along the road with him.

[SweepingBeauty]

Does he happen to be Lutheran? If so,

Thrivent, the financial and insurance organizations for Lutherans has a number of benefits one of which is a book I gave my Mother after my Father passed away. You have to be a member to get the book.

I will say his wife was very lucky to have him and that love never ends even when your spouse passes away.