Heavy Toad History TMI (Do NOT Read if U Rn't Masochistic Today

[Scary Snarky toaD]

The following is more than you ever wanted to know about Toad, and definitely would rather not ask. So you are warned. Proceed at your own risk.

Ok, I am going to try to make this relatively short.

I kind of dropped a bomb the other day here about my kids being taken to Guam for 10 years. Then after dropping it, said I wanted to drop it (the subject) because, as anyone would predictably predict, it deals with the most painful part of my life.

But leaving the subject short after blabbing to you guys all the REST of my cornball life isn't fair. And it involves a big lesson I hope I've learned, one that MIGHT contain some wisdom of value to others of you out there -- equally embarrassed to admit your moods have not always been well-controlled.

So what was going on that I got so divided from my babes? Short and dirty answer:

My mom yelled, screamed and beat my sister and I almost mercilously because she was Bipolar and a bunch of other things. I have only recently started to understand this.

I swore I would NEVER treat my kids like she did us. I would LEAVE them first, because that was the hardest pain any kid should endure -- a parent ranting and raving and yelling and just basically "out of control" all the time. But then she would swing back to the other end of wanting to do everything for us. It was a scary tightrope to walk on between a mom who would spend a ton of money on you one minute and want to kiss and hug you all the time, and a mom who suddenly would SNAP into yelling and screaming and demanding and cursing us out.

I didn't realize that wasn't NORMAL mothering until people showed up at our house sometimes telling Mom they could hear us kids yelling down the street (her spankings lasted MINUTES). And the next thing we'd hear is mom bawling the neighbor out, "MIND YOUR OWN BUSINESS, They are MY kids, and I'll train them MY WAY!" The door slammed in the poor neighbors' face and mom would return to us, "Tell me how to raise my kids! I think NOT." And I'm thinking, "Shoot, we were almost saved, but mom even scares the 'cavalry' away! We're trapped!"

So that's why it was a big deal for me to get diagnosed finally to really confirm to me I have real rage/brain chemistry problems that exactly mirror my Mom.

And when I became a mom of 3, these wonderful, darling, beautiful children of mine: I suddenly was realizing that I was treating them EXACTLY how my mom treated me. Yelling and screaming, etc., etc. I never calmed down, I was always mad or trying to "meditate" my frustration away, frustration that magically DISAPPEARED three weeks after getting on Zoloft (several years AFTER, when it was too late).

I had become my mother, to the very belittling words she would use, everything. And I didn't know medication could change it. I thought it was just that I was a "passionate" person. I CARED a lot. That's why I yelled a lot. WRONG! Caring doesn't make you YELL at anyone except an intruder who's threatening your family. You don't reasonably YELL at your family.

I knew losing my temper was losing my cool, my control, even POWER. The person with TRUE power doesn't HAVE to yell. They aren't worried because they trust that "power." The screamer/yeller is the person OUT of control. The scared person feeling the only way to WIN is to up the ante. I knew all that "technically," but I couldn't stop myself from emotions swinging so far and wide.

I knew one thing. I could not bear seeing me continue to do to my kids what my mom did to me. I refused to let it happen. I felt I would rather die myself than keep hurting them this way.

I thought the best thing to do would be to "step back" -- live nearby, stay daily in their lives, just not having them being or feeling "trapped" by my nasty moods.

At the same time, a friend we had all known for over 6 years was diagnosed with a terminal illness. I decided to kill 2 birds with one stone and move a short distance away where I could stay close to my kids but not be in their "face" all the time, while taking care of our dying friend for the next two years. I believed sincerely after the friend died, I would "return" to be a full mom again, much better in control and not hurting my kids so much.

All of this is more than any of you want to know about me, that's why the disclaimer at the top. You must be a masochist to have read this far. But I wanted those of you who are parents out there to understand, I wish I had known about these medications before my "hiatus" -- I would have taken them gladly. I would have been in much better control of myself and I am completely convinced that had I known about Selective Seratonin Reuptake Inhibitors (i.e., Zoloft and such) and had the chance to get them, I would never have had to leave them. I would have not been a raging mom.

So I'm speaking out here to let you know this incredibly personal info because you may know someone with emotions out of control. IT IS NOT NORMAL to go into rages. Anyone who does NEEDS HELP. It's just these kinds of rages that make people kill other people. RAGE IS not only UGLY, it's DEADLY. You need help if your emotions get out of control. You just DO!

I am proud of myself for being strong enough to realize my kids should not be further scarred by my rages -- I am proud I was smart enough to say, "I'm being a bad mom -- I don't know how to stop except to regress me from their lives just enough to let them breathe."

I wanted to stay very close to them during this hiatus -- but when their dad took them to Guam for 10 years I was crushed. I can't tell you the joy of having them back only a few short years ago when they came back. My "baby" who was now 14 years old bonded with me incredibly. My other two remembered my rages and are much more sensitive being around their bigmouth yelling mom, but we still share a lot of love between us. They don't really know who I am now, as I'm not flying to both ends like I used to -- I'm more in the middle, in a nice calmer place -- I'm much more the mother I SHOULD have been. It's like being a stranger to them a bit -- I'm not the "old mom" they knew (thankfully).

Anyway, it's been quite a road. But I still believe that as long as anything you do for your kids is BECAUSE you love them so much -- you're doing the BEST you can do.

Someday they may totally understand. But if they don't, I still know what I did was better than staying and continuing to mentally abuse them.

So excuse me for preaching, but if anyone finds themselves "out of control" and raging at someone, please understand YOU NEED HELP of some kind or another. Don't continue to hurt the people you love. Do SOMETHING to talk to a doctor or therapist and take care of it -- get rid of it! RAGE IS NOT NORMAL! It will end up always hurting those you love more than anyone else. It is poison. I believe it is the VERY emotion that makes anyone WANT to kill someone. It is WRONG, it is NOT NORMAL. SEEK HELP before you have a chance to hurt the ones you love.

PLEASE. Your loved ones are worth it! And you are worth being a more loving, balanced, kind person.

So now that I've opened up this nasty can of personal worms, I'm shutting back on the can.

Hug your families, they are the best treasures you will ever find! :gvibes: :gvibes: :gvibes:

:soapbox:

[banzai]

Toad, You are so very brave! I had a mother much like yours who was in and out of hospitals until she got on the right mix of meds. Now that she is on the right meds the change is remarkable. Your post moved me and I just wanted to let you know that your kids will come around and respect you for the things that you did to keep them safe. Sending :gvibes: to you!

[arouet]

Toad, you are the best kind of mom. A good mother will protect her kids at any cost. The fact that you did just that at such a high price to yourself, not to mention under the weight of a condition that was out of your personal control says a world about you. You are incredibly strong.

[JeannieMC]

Toad, it took a lot of courage to do what you did. Not just telling us your story, but also by doing what you had to do for your kids. My own mother had to do the same thing for my sister and I and I thank the lord every single day that she did. It was hard growing up without a mother, but after a surgery to correct what she did to me, I can look back now and realize that what my mom did was best.

Today, she is the best mom that you can ever ask for and we are now making up for the lost time.

Trust me, your kids will understand what you did for them. They may not say it to your face, but deep down inside they will know.

Thank you so much for sharing your story with us. And trust me when I say this.....YOU ARE A GOOD MOM!!!

[Robin]

You put your kids first...that's what being a great mom is about. In time, they
will understand. {{hugs}}

[auntputz]

Big hugs Toad!!! You are a strong brave woman!

[tigress2b]

This belongs in advice. Because by telling your story you will help someone. You may never know who but that doesnt matter. I too take zoloft. My mom and her friends nick named me Panther when I was in my mid 20s. Because I would just snap. A few years ago I decided that this was just not right and sought help. Unfortunately, I dont think I can go off it. A few months ago i missed several days and was not a nice person to be around.

Not to be intrusive but did it get more severe after you had children? I always wonder about the effects of changing hormones that go along with child birth. I guess I wont have to worry about that as I am already 37 and have never been pregnant. I think adoption would be the best option. Sorry got off subject.

Toad, your post although heart wrenching, informative and quite commendable. Your honesty and strength only expand my respect for you. And as I side note, I love your contagious sense of humor.

Happy Holidays and :gvibes:

[Hhhyyyddd]

your honesty and wisdom is appreciated. and tigress is right, your story WILL help someone. you're my hero for the day, for putting your kids first, for changing your life, and having the courage to tell us about it. three cheers for toad!

[Scary Snarky toaD]

Not to be intrusive but did it get more severe after you had children? I always wonder about the effects of changing hormones that go along with child birth.

Happy Holidays and :gvibes:

Tigress :gvibes:

Yeah, I think the WORST thing about it getting worse after having the kids is that THE KIDS all have some of the same mood disorders I suffer from. I was living with 3 little Toads. Four Toads in a house is a hopping big bunch of Toads all careening off each other. It was a veritable mess, and here I as the adult, could not believe, as smart of a person as I think I should be, that I could REALLY not find some way to just not rage at them.

But the brain controls behavior and if brain chemistry is off, it's like you CAN'T FIND THE LEVER that you need to pull in yourself to make it stop. You'd happily grab and pull the lever if you could find it, but you can't FIND it. And pressure builds up fast and quickly and ends up being discharged in a big ball of "crazy" all at once. This is not how people should have to live. I'll bet you dollars to donuts the gal who drowned her kids had/has these crazy brain chemistries going on.


I have to tell you nothing more warmed my heart when I logged on late today to see all your hugs. This story has been so ugly it's not often I want to "drop" it on people. You are the only other people but one best friend here that has heard the whole story.

When you're a parent, and MAYBE even more when you're a Mom parent, having had the incedible experience of having those balls of life growing inside you -- it's like you NEVER cut the umbilical cord. They are always connected to you. And I felt I could feel them crying for me from the opposite side of the world. I've cried a mountain of tears and had all but no one to tell this too. So this is great therapy for me. Now I can stop hating myself for hurting them and just do what I can to be the best mom now I can be.

Thank you for letting me share this with you. I feel remarkably cleansed by your support. You guys are definitely the Best.

:jump: :love: :grouphug: :gvibes: :jump:

[allie]

{{HUGS}} again lady. ;)

[Maineiac]

Toad,
You inspire me...truly you do. I work as an intensive case manager for mental health and work with folks that are are just getting out of institutions (sometimes after 30 yrs or more), prisons, hospitals or have been found in dumpsters in an alley. Homeless, with nothing. I am so honored to be able to work with my "folks" and have been more educated about life through them than any other medium in my career. On my own time I have set up furniture donation projects, peronal care giftings and leave my pager on 24/7. Yes, I got paged 3 times during Thankgiving dinner (and was glad they paged me because they were alone).

ALL of my female clients have either given their children up to an ex or have had them involuntarily taken away. Would you mind if I shared your story with them? The guilt and lack of understanding they have of their disorder are killers. Yes, I mean killers literally, the suicidality rate amongst these women is astronomical.

You are so eloquent as well as sensitive in your writings sistah, you really could do alot of good for folks that don't have the insight you posess.

I love my work and stop short of nothing to establish harmony and self- worth with the people I work with. I'm blessed to have the opportunity to make a difference in peoples lives.

If you are uncomfortable with my request I fully understand, but I have to tell you, you can do a trmendous amount of good by getting your story out to others that have suffered guilt and condemnation for many years.

You are a good woman...wish we were closer, you are just my style.

[Scary Snarky toaD]

You or anyone are more than welcome to retell this story -- it would be GREAT to see any good come from all that craziness. There is no worse hell than knowing you have hurt a child. "Only monsters hurt children" -- most of us have to believe, and people who go into rages believe they MUST be monsters once they can see more clearly after the rage finally subsides -- there can't be a worse guilt. So it is no wonder these women hate themselves for what they can't control and feel like the lowest of the low.

I think instead of volunteering just at a soup kitchen now and then I should look into volunteering to help women like those you work with, Maineiac -- I feel I could really commiserate with what they are going through, and enjoy hearing some of their stories as well.

:) :) :)

[GTBuzz]

Toad,

I imagine that was hard sharing that story, but I too agree that it can help other people. You are a very strong person! Sometimes being a parent involves making very hard decisions but in the end we have to think of what is best for the family overall. It sounds like you did the best thing you could in that situation. I am so happy to hear that you reconnected with your kids and that you are building strong relationships with them. Good for you!

I hope things continue to improve for you and your kids and you share many happy memories together. :gvibes:

Heather

[Glam]

You are wonderful Ms. Toad :gvibes:

[Maineiac]

Damn srtaight you should be volunteering with "my folks". You have so much to offer them...I'm sure you can realize the shame, disappointment and despair they are feeling. Even better, you may want to consider contacting your state mental health system ( i don't know what state you're in) to ask to speak to the mental health team ( you know, maybe a workshop kind of setting). If you want you can PM me that info if you are interested and I will contact the them in your behalf. You are an incredibly insighful, eloquent woman and have more to offer than you probably realize. Bless your heart, sistah...