Need advice school trouble

[smileysal]

[FONT=Comic Sans MS][B][COLOR=DarkSlateGray] I need help. My son is in 7th grade this year. He is now in the Middle School. Yesterday, he mouthed "you freaken freak" to another student and was sent to the principal office. He gets in trouble for saying freak at home but he never says obsenities. The teacher said he mouthed something else. The principal gave Michael two options to deny and there would be a meeting with all the teachers and me or to accept and and serve a 1 day in school suspension. He said he was really scared and knew if there was a meeting all the other teachers would be watching him all the time. He didn't feel like an in school suspension was a big deal. He felt very intimidated. Michael also has a speech impediment. Sometimes my husband and I have misunderstood what he has said and have to have repeat it. Just today I thought he said "sex in the rocks' and made his repeat it and what he said was nothing close to it LOL. I am not saying he should be punished but I feel a suspension is very harsh. Tomorrow he will be in a room by himself have to complete all the work with no help which will be hard for him because he is ADHD and learning disabled. What really bothers me is the school never notified me. In the handbook it states the parents will be notify but it doesn't say when. After the fact I think is little late. I want to call school in the morning before school starts. My son is afraid he will be made fun of if I do. Should I let it go? Please tell me what you would do. Thanks

[Cusmile]

They did almost the same exact thing to my daughter in I think it was the 5th grade. Right after Columbine. She jokingly, and even the other child admitted they were playing around, but, she chased after her and said I am going to kill you! They were laughing and playing around, but, she said those darn words and got suspended for 3 days. There was nothing we could do. We had to explain to Leah, these are their rules. You have got to live by them, even if they were not used seriously, or in the context which they thought they were used. She had never been suspended before, and now she is in high school and has not been suspended since. She actually has never, ever gotten in trouble at all except for that, and we were not able to do anything about it. I thought they went a bit over board, but, could understand w/the whole Columbine. And teachers hear what the want to hear. And you cannot tell them otherwise. We had to chalk it up to a good lesson learned, much to our dismay. We told our daughter that though she did nothing wrong as in any intent to hurt someone, she should have never used those words.
I hope you get through this, our daughter is a special needs child also, and everyday is a battle and then to through this was almost devastating to her. I hope it does not hurt your young son. Keep assuring him that he did nothing wrong, just the interpretations can really make a mess of things!!

Most definatly talk to the principle and tell him that you should have been notified. Remind him of your sons special needs and that he does have a responsibility to you as well as the well being of your child! Good luck!

[LadyT]

[SIZE=3] I would definately call the school in the morning. What is said between you and the teachers/principals should be kept confidential, so your soon shouldn't worry about the other kids making fun of him. I know there has to be rules within the school but if they thought he said the f word instead of freak that's where the in school suspension would come in. Maybe this way he would get say an hour of detention for calling someone a freak. I had a similar situation happen with my son in the 4th grade last year. He called one of his friends a "muggle"(from Harry Potter meaning human) Well a teacher overheard him and when he tried to explain what it meant she wouldn't listen. He came home with a form signed by the teacher and the principle. i was supposed to sign it saying that I gave permission for a one dau in school suspension. Well let me tell you I did not sign that letter but went to the school the next day. I talked to the principal told her what he had said and about the teacher not letting him tell her the meaning and if the worst thing that his friend ever got called in life was a "muggle" he should consider himself lucky. Needless to say he did not even get a detention and the principal made the teacher apologize for not listening to him. Sometimes you've just got to take a stand. After all, the teachers have so much to deal with in a day they can't possibly comprehend everything that is going on in say a class of 30 or so students. I wou;dn't maje your son suffer through a day alone for something that got blown out of proportion. Good luck smileysal. Hope everything turns out okay. :gvibes:

[cbar]

smileysal, while I am a mother of 3....and grandmother of 5, I would have to suggest that you let it go. My grandson is staying with me for awhile (14). He rides the bus and said he got written up for being loud on the bus. Well, I tried to see his point....but, I told him the bus driver is trying to do her job of getting 30-40 some kids home safely! While he doesn't think it's a big deal of laughing and having fun, we have to understand the authorities point of view. Don't want to ramble on......Maybe he didn't say it (although it's common for kids now adays) but suspension will keep him possibly from saying it again....or saying it once! This is just my opinion. Good Luck to you. It's just a growing thing! Oh how I remember those days! LOL!

[LadyT]

Michele what you said just remined me of something. My oldest son 18 now was a sophomore and always wore a trench coat to school. Well it was quite large on him. He stuck his hands in his pockets and spread his arms out and said to one of his friends I could probably carry a machine gun in this and noone would know. Well some kid over heard this and went to the principal. I got a phone call from the principal right away and he said he need me or dh to come to school. The police,school superintendant and the principal wanted us for a meeting. Now I know that wasn't right for him to say that but the police??? for when he said he "could" not "will" or "is going to" ANyway, I sent dh because I told him that if I went I'd be the one going to jail. When dh and ds got home they told me that everyone there knows my son is the class clown and he really didn't mean anything by it that they just had to follow through with procedure.He did get suspened for 3 days. Believe me he didn't look at it as punishment. He looked at it as a 5 day weekend. I just told him rules are rules and didn't punish him because I honestly believe he didn't do anything wrong.

[agcshort]

You need to at least call and talk to the principal about it, with your views. You have every right to be mad that you didn't get called. I would be fuming. That's YOUR child, not theirs and your tax money goes to their salary. You should have a say in this. That's my opinion. I think that punishment is too harsh.

[smileysal]

I called this morning what a waiste of time. I felt like I was talking to a brick wall. I wasn't expecting to change my son's suspention but he was a real jerk. Of course he denied intimidating my son into confessing. He also said "Did you think your son would tell you the truth" which my reply why would he tell me at all since the school didn't notify me. He said that was an oversight of them for not calling me. I told them I am going to the school board and he said go ahead they will just turn it over to him. I am not disbuting my son shouldn't be punished but I am going to notify the school board how it was handle. I really think I should have been called and been present when my son was in the office or at the least called.

[caseycupcake]

Since you didn't get anywhere with the school, I think you may need to revise your approach. You said that your kid is ADHD. I don't know how the school system works out there in IN, but here in NY most kids with ADHD are classifed and given an IEP (individualized education plan). My son has one. Aside from modifying some of his assignments and availing him to extra help, he has a "resource room" teacher (like a guided study hall with a special ed teacher). I have found that this teacher is especially useful as acting as a go-between for us and the school when any sort of problem comes up. For some reason, like it or not, the school tends to listen to one of their own before they will listen to a parent! Is there someone in the school to speak in your child's behalf? I know the school year has just started & is in a new school. Maybe you could have a meeting with his guidance counselor? I think you have to drop this incident, but a meeting to discuss how you can prevent trouble in the future might help. I don't think it's unreasonable to request that the school contact you immediately when there's a problem. Hope this helps.

[Hope]

Sally,
Although your son said the word "freak", does the punishment really fit the crime? In my own opinion...No. I think it is obsurd to suspend a child for saying "freak". There are a lot worse names he could have called the kid. And why did he call this other kid a freak, anyway? Was the other kid teasing him? There must have been a reason. I'm not in anyway saying that he was justified, but just what provoked him?
To top it all off, your son has ADHD and a learning disability. The punishment simply does not fit the crime. I'm in no way saying that he should be allowed to get away with misbehaving because of his disability, but the punishment should suit the crime.
If I were in your shoes, I would go talk to the principal. Your son has only you to fin for him. If you do not see to it that he is treated fairly, no one else will.
Teachers and principals are not always right.
Find out why he said what he did. Talk to the principal. Discuss a more fair punishment. No recess for a day or so, or maybe after-school detention. He will only miss out on learning if he is not present. He deserves the right to learn, just as any other child in his class. No 7th grader wants their mother to talk to the teacher or principal. He doesn't know what's best for him right now.
Good luck with it. I will keep you and your son in my thoughts-I know this has got to be stressful for you both. :)

[Hope]

Ok, I see you already tried talking to the principal. Your next step is definately the School Board. Someone will listen to you.

[salymsmommy]

OK, my turn. I agree to a point with a one day in school suspension. If a teacher mis-heard the word freak with the other 'f' word, that is totally understandable. There are rules that need to be followed in schools to maintain order and discipline. A meeting with ALL his teachers would be really uncalled for since this happened only once in one class. And let him know that when I was in school I got a LOT of in school suspensions (evil grin!) , and had anxiety disorder over school as well. It's not that bad. And after one day it will be over. There is a teacher of some kind in there that can more than likely answer basic questions at least, and one day out of class won't put him that far behind since he will still have his work.

HOWEVER, what the principal (I assume you were speaking with him when you reffered to the brick wall) told you was totally uncalled for. Not only should you go straight to the School board, call the newspaper or local news. There are a lot of tax-paying parents with children in that school that need to know who is running (or otherwise) their childrens school. Do not let that person intimidate you, stand up for your son and yourself and be heard. When it comes to someone in a 'public office', the louder you are heard, the better.

[ljs39]

Sally,
I do think you should report how this was handled to the school board. If someone asked me "Do you really think your child would tell you the truth?" I would say, "Absolutely!" I respect teachers and administrators but they are not always right. You have to be your child's champion and see that there are correct procedures that the school has to follow. When he said that reporting this incident to the school board would not change the outcome and they would "just turn it back over to him" that would send a major red flag up. Sometimes it is best to let things go, but I know if I had a school administrator tell me that my child would lie to me to avoid punishment, I would not let that go. It may be better to write a letter to the Board of Education stating what happened and how you think it should have been handled differently. That way there will be a record of this incident in case there are more mishandled incidents in the future. Best wishes to you and your son.
______
Lori :)

[caseycupcake]

I think that going to the school board is a bit much in this case. However, if you decide to go that route, you must make sure that you don't sound like like crazy mom! You need to keep your composure about yourself. Sound rational. Write it in a letter. read it a couple dozen times, read it some more, share with others. Then, and only then, send it.
I think the most you need to do is clearly state what you think the chain of events were and how you would like things to go in the future. Send it to the principal and copy the head of the school board. I did that a few years ago when I had a problem with a before school chorus rehersal policy. The principal (of over 20 yrs there) had NEVER received a letter from a parent before. I certainly got his attention. Although the issue was never resolved to my satisfaction, I was then clearly labeled as a parent who was watching what was going on at the school and always received a prompt return phone call! PM me if you feel the need.

[res6o3wl]

My son got inschool suspension a coulple of weeks ago for taking his gameboy to school and being uncooperative when caught with it. I was contacted right away. Sorry procedure wasn't followed in your case. Inscool suspension is not that big of a deal, not traumatic or demeaning or anything like that. You should really just let it go , making a mountain out of a molehill will only cause further embarassment to your son. And by the way, adolescent boys will lie to their parents, so don't automatically assume your child is innocent. And yes, school officials do sometimes make unfair decisions, but hey, life is not fair and your kid is old enough to start learning that lesson.

[LadyT]

Smileysal if it was me I'd definately go to the school board. You said your son has a speech impediment and sometimes that you and your dh can't understand him. Well then how in the world do they definately know what he said when they're only with him a few hours a day. If they don't know it already (which they should) you have a special needs child whose situation should be handled a bit differently.I don't mean to say that he should cause all kinds of problems and get away with it but if this is an isolated incident then the school board should be made aware of it now. Who's to say that a week from now a tacher,principal,whoever misunderstands what he said and this happens again. They'll look at his record and say "oh it looks like we have a pattern developing here". When it comes to your children you have to take a stand if you know you're in the right. These are your tax dollars going into the school system.

res6o3wl I have to disagree with you. As I said before my older son got ISS once and it was no big deal to him. Now if my 10 yo son would ever get it,he would think it is the end of the world.Everyone is different and to a special needs child it could be traumatic. I don't know her son so I can't really say. And as far as saying lifes not fair you have to learn to deal with it...well I think at that age and that particular circumstance that would be kind of like saying "even if you don't do bad things and people in "authority' want to punish you just lie down and take it like a man even though you know they are wrong. Kids are people too and should learn to stand up for themselves when they know something is wrong.Just my opinion. :cool2:

[Cusmile]

When dh and ds got home they told me that everyone there knows my son is the class clown and he really didn't mean anything by it that they just had to follow through with procedure.He did get suspened for 3 days. Believe me he didn't look at it as punishment. He looked at it as a 5 day weekend. I just told him rules are rules and didn't punish him because I honestly believe he didn't do anything wrong.

I bet there are a lot of similar stories. Sad, but true.....and most likely necessary. So many innocents are getting punished for joking around, but, then how can you tell I guess? The world seems to be becoming much to serious and stern.

[smileysal]

It gets better! Today in the mail I get the notice. It was 3 different documents and each one of them had the words Fxxxx You spelled out. My son had to sign one of them stating he said it. I really thing it was wrong for him to have signed it not a parent present. This morning when I talked to the principal I told him I am going to the school board his comment was "Go ahead they will just turn it back over to him" So I am writing letters to the school board and superintendent. I am more angry how it was handled then anything else. Unfortanatly, the school is more concerned about rules then the education.

[Mary Beth]

I'd recommend that you also put everything in writing. Write a letter to the principal, protesting the fact that they did not call you before they instituted punishment. Mention that you don't believe that your son lied to you, even though the principal implied that he did. Try and use the principal's exact words as much as possible, quoting him and using quote marks in the letter. Send a copy to the school board. Also write to the school board, asking for a hearing on this matter. Quote the principal's assertion that they board "will just ask me to handle it." Send a copy to the principal. Document everything. Always put it in writing. You'll be amazed at how scared they all will be of you writing down what they say. (They'll think yyou're setting them up for a lawsuit or the front page of the local paper.)

Also, who's in charge of the principal? Isn't there a layer of bureaucracy between him and the school board? That person (or people) should also get copies of all of your letters.

[LadyT]

OMG that was so uncalled for.If I lived in Indy I'd write one for you too! :mad2: The first thing they should have done is to get in touch with you. I mean why would they even write that down. If they don't want him saying it they definately shouldn't be writing it. They could have wrote" I said an obscene word" or something to that effect. Actually they shouldn't have made him sign anything at all.It sounds like there are alot of insensitive clowns running things at that school. Send them a copy of the letters also but make sure you keep the originals. Keep us posted!

[karolyny]

Sally just a thought. Before you get the school board or the newspapers involved be sure you know how your son will react to all that publicity. He may have a lot of unwanted attention from his peers. Perhaps you would be better served by writing a letter directly to the principal and making your feelings known. I can understand your anger but sometimes we as parents have to step back and think about the end result and effect on our child. He has a long road ahead of him both in school and in the real world. Use this as a learning experience for him. Good luck.

Karolyn

[tiffnat]

My son is in special ed and has a speech impediment. When he was younger, he couldn't pronounce the word fork (it came out f***) He yelled out in the cafeteria one day that he needed a fork(Not what everyone heard)> I was called, but luckly the speech therapist explained that he meant fork and couldn't pronounce it correctly. There needs to be some teachers at the school on his/her side when there is a problem. My son has a case manager that acts as an in between with the principal and other teachers. (he also has a very quick temper that has to be kept in control). I believe the principal was definately wrong in making your child sign anything, let alone not calling you. I would definately take it up with the school board. Best of luck

[Hope]

In South Carolina schools...they do write everything down that the child is accused of, then it goes into the child's permanent record.
The principal may be right, the district may turn it back over to him, but if it is not handled properly by him the second go round, someone else above him will handle it.
If you honestly believe your son, run with it! I read in a previous post that children lie at that age...however that does not mean we should discount everything children say. You know your son, better than anyone else.
As I stated previously, teachers and principals are not always right.
Rules are important, however education is more important.
In school suspension is a big deal.
Once a child is punished for something they have not done...What is the insentive to abiding by the rules?

When my son was in 1st grade, he came home nearly in tears and said that he was going to have to stay in for recess the following day. It was like it was the end of the world to him. He was a straight A student, and had never gotten into trouble. His teachers have always praised his behavior. When I asked him why, he said the whole class was talking out of turn, but he was not. I believed him. I know my son. He is quiet, and almost never disobeys authority.
I went down to the school the following morning and talked to his teacher. She informed me that her whole class was talking, but she was not sure if he was or not. I informed her that unless she was absolutely sure that he had broken the rules, he was not to be punished! My son did not stay in for recess that day or any other. He was in a class that he had no other choice to be in, with other children who were being disruptive. He did nothing wrong. I felt as though if he were punished for something he did not do, he would have no reason to ever follow rules.

Since 1st grade he has had to stay in for recess a couple of times(he's in 4th now) for things he deserved to stay in for, such as lost homework or incomplete assignments. I do not defend him when he is wrong. However as long as he is a kid, and there is breath in my body- he knows Momma will stand up for him when he is in the right!

[gcomstock]

Well, here goes: as a non-parent, I've got no credentials to comment; but as a seventh grader who spent the last three months of the school year sitting out four of my six classes in the vice principal's office due to my behavior issues, it feels like I can relate.

1. Middle school / junior high is often a period during which kids are going through tremendous development spurts...some of the most difficult ages for the kids, the teachers and parents...duh!

2. Parental involvement with schools is EXTREMELY important, but if you haven't already been speaking with the teachers previously, it doesn't sound so strange that they didn't appreciate your second-guessing their interpretation of the issue.

3. Teachers definitely have a tough job, and imparting the curriculum is often forced to take second place behind dealing with behavior problems. Fact is, if a kid is among an unruly group, he might sometimes get "unfairly" singled out for an incident in which he wasn't specifically misbehaving. But if my checkered career is a pointer...there were dozens of times I didn't get caught, and even a few when the kid I hit with the spitwad was the one who caught the heat.

4. Whether a kid uses "freak" or an even less positive term really isn't the point imho...that's splitting hairs. Frankly, if any kid is being deliberatly abusive or insulting or argumentative, the vocabulary is not as important as the context.

5. Life is full of stuff that is "unfair," and part of growing up is learning how to deal with it. For instance, my sixth grade teacher was a real jerk. I'm still close with several of my classmates, and we still love to reminisce about the crummy stuff that Mr. Stroh used to pull. My Mom did come to school to meet with him a couple times and I remember her telling me (to paraphrase) "Yes, your teacher is dumb and mean...but it's YOUR job to get along. If you can't get along with this guy, you're going to have problems all your life, because the world is filled with difficult people." Obviously, I didn't incorporate that wisdom right away...and continued "acting out" even worse over the next couple years. But it finally sank in.

6. Looking back on most all of my adolescent behavior problems, I'm pretty sure I lied about it to my parent's most of the time, and pretty much skewed the reported facts to favor my side continuously. Teacher's know this...but for him ask you "and you believed him?" was pretty graceless. Yes, classroom teachers often feel under siege, but he obviously lacked tact in his conversation with you.

7. Nearly every Mom in the court room where their child is on trial for some crime...can be counted on to NOT see things objectively. Please do continue speaking teachers, administrative folks and even the school board. But if you enter those discussions wearing a "Blind Advocate" tshirt (you know, with the "see no evil, hear no evil, speak no evil" monkies on the back) it's gonna make it tough to find a useful dialogue.

Sorry Mom, for spouting my uninformed views while just standing around the cracker barrel here, LOL. I'm just the friendly guy at the bus stop who has an opinion...but no axe to grind *smile* Good luck to you in dealing with the challenges, and best wishes to your son in getting through the tough years unscathed.

[elainmir]

I think alot depends on the teacher to. If she is one who is generally uncooperative and unyielding then she may be the one with the problem. My son's teacher last year was one of the grouchiest, unsmiling, never contacted me about anything unless I had attempted to contact her several times. The only reason she did contact me was to get me to shut up. I felt like I was talking to a brick wall with her. I felt like she didnt care. My son's teacher this year has a totally opposite attitude, thanks me alot for helping out, praises her class,etc. I feel if your son said what he said then he should have gotten some kind of punishment. What happened with the suspension was overboard. And as for that principal, you do as you said you would and report the whole incident to the school superintendant. And speak calmly and make your point. As stated before if you become overly emotional ,etc you will be labeled crazy mom and he will tell the school super you are difficult. Good luck to you and your son. I think you are right in this situation and should not back down.

[swtpea]

Learning disabled or not, all students need to obey the rules. Calling another student name or using even "imatation" curse words in school is not something I'd defend a child for doing. Educators have a tremendous task that is made so much greater without parental support.

[TrishMc107]

"Are you getting your kid ready for the road, or the road ready for your kid?" ~Unknown~

Minority opinion. It was unacceptable behaviour.

[physicsfan]

Talk to the principal. (My mother is one at en elem.) He/she needs to know that you feel the situation was handled inappropriately. Also inform her about the intimidation your son is feeling from the teacher. If he is being bullied by them it needs to stop. You need to talk to all involved (possibly even the other child's parents) and explain his speech impediment. I do not know about the rules at your school, but as a special student he should not be denied access to learning disability labs. Talk to the administration about how this sort of thing will be handled in the future. Remember, however, many states have procedures that the teachers and administrators are required to follow by law. That is often why students are punished for incidents that really are silly. It is out of their hands - these procedures have been put in place to make sure serious incidents are handled appropriately. Unfortunately, some students are unduely punished. Best of luck with it all. Your son shouldn't have to fear his teachers, that just isn't right.

[Indy]

I can understand your anger. I think the situation was mishandled by the Principal...maybe it could be handled by another administrator such as a Superintendant or Asst. Superintendant.

You ABSOLUTELY should have been notified! No question about it.

If I were in your shoes, I would a,) Call and make an appointment to discuss (Calmly, Rationally, and in an Adult Manner) the situation with the Principal-Once More, explaining that if you do not get satisfaction you WILL take the matter to a higher authority.

I worked in a High School for several years and some of the language would curl your hair!
Something that we, as Parents, don't always understand, or like to admit...is that yes, even our sweet child is capable of coming out with such words. (They are testing the waters...like we all have...to see how much they can get away with) Plus, if they use that language, some of the other, tougher kids might just leave them be.

I am not saying your son is guilty of saying that word...but I am saying that all school kids are capable of saying it and I doubt that many kids would admit to their Parent that they said it.

Then, if you get nowhere with the Principal...go higher...Asst. Supt., Supt., School Board of Education. And DEMAND firmly, but calmly---that you be contacted IMMEDIATELY
should anything like this ever happen again! Good Luck!
THERE IS A DEFINITE NEED FOR MORE COMMUNICATION BETWEEN SCHOOLS AND PARENTS!!

[angelynn03]

First of all PARENTs are their child's PRIMARY and MOST Important educators. Teachers, principals, etc. are NOT always right. I work for the HEAD START program and WE encourage parents to discuss ANY problem or concern, no matter how small they believe it to be. We do not have principals, we have center directors... and believe me HE IS NOT ALWAYS right. YOU have THE RIGHT as a PARENT to be HEARD! Under NO circumstance let that principal or teacher imtimidate you or your son and DO NOT let this go.

I am a family services assistant; which is a combination of family advocate, social worker and case manager. WE are the LIASON between the families and the teachers/other staff at the school. I will back up a PARENT each and every time if THEY BELIEVE they are right. I try and stay as objective as possible but support THEM in their RIGHTs and DECISIONS.

I would put everything in writing after speaking to your son again. Let him know why you are backing him up. IF he knows you are serious, and IF he was lying, the truth most likely will come out then (as he would not want more embarrassment). If he is still adamant about only saying "freak", I would send a copy of what happened to the principal, school superintendant, school board and anyone else that needs to know. Demand a MEETING with all of them. Show them you are serious. YOU have a RIGHT to know everything that is happening to and with your child. It does not come across as "crazy" if the letter is precise, to the point, and the meeting has specific goals that you wish to see happen (or not happen). If your son has a case worker for his special needs, get that person involved and on your side. Ok I am done!

Oh and BUSH thinks WE do NOTHING at HEAD START... right he needs to GET A CLUE! We are the ONLY program with COMPREHENSIVE FAMILY SERVICES!! MORE SCHOOLS need family advocates!

[Feisty Girl]

If you do nothing then how many other kids will have the same thing done to them. I'm not sure what kind of people sit on your school board and whay there opinion would be. One thing for sure the principal sounds like he needs an additude adjustment. Then to have him sign a confession --what is that about!!

[jpett]

Okay, as a special education teacher with her masters in administration, I would like to give my imput.
Maybe it's because I work in the Bronx but, saying "freaking freak" is not such a big deal. It wasn't like he said "fu**ing freak" or "freaking fu**". Granted something should be said to him.
So here are my questions/statements:
1. What does the code of conduct say in the school? Usually there is a written booklet of "If a child does X, Y happens. Most of the time it is in steps, verbal warning is usually the first.

2. I'm upset that there was a statement that he signed saying that he said Fxxxx. Did he himself write it? If he did not write it did he read and UNDERSTAND what he was signing? No child should be handed a piece of paper and told to sign unless he UNDERSTANDS It. If that was the case, the school was WRONG.

3. As for the suspension.. I'm with everyone else, the punishment should fit the crime, that is why I asked about the code of conduct. I don't even think/feel he should be punished. A phone call to you would be fine. The school should have called you when it first happened anyway.

4. Also, In NY, if a child is in special education and on a 1 day, you can NOT leave him alone, you need to give him services so that he is able learn (ie resource room teacher, or special ed teacher to help him with the lesson)

5. Now, from the teachers point of view, we talk about parents like you in the teachers room. Trust me, make noise now and they will not bother you again. You have more rights than you know of as a parent!!! You need to make an example of the school so that this does not happen again.

Good luck with everything.

[res6o3wl]

There is always the option of home schooling

[mzi mom]

I would be most upset by the principal's unwillingness to discuss the issue reasonably and professionally with you. This would be my foremost message to the school board. I NEVER speak to teachers or administrators without taking detailed notes of the conversation. If you have notes of the conversation and they are simply going by memory of what was said, you will be more believable. The school board hates to be bothered by parents, so they will be upset with the principal that he didn't handle it in a way that would pacify you.

Bottom line: you are the only advocate for your child. No one else really cares.

[feta]

... I think alot of times the Principals and or teachers just do not understand a child like yours condition or needs(educational). For him to be put in a room with no help all day is uncalled for I think especially with his condition. I myself would consider that cruel to do. I would just go immediately to the school Board or just call the President of the school Board, explain what happened at school as you know it and your sons condition, etc to him/her and that you feel he may be made fun , etc. if he gets this in-school suspension and that this would not help him mentally and in fact that it may do him great harm not to mention the ill-mannered cruel kids who may taunt him. Hopefully he will get in touch with the principal and maybe your son wont have to do the in-school suspension. I hope it all works out this comes from someone who was teased and taunted all thru junior and senior high because of my weight. I feel for your son. Peace ... ~ Lia

[jenninshelby]

I would call them for sure and let them know I am not happy they violated the rules of the school handbook and did not call and that it better not happen again. I would be upset. My son also has a speech problem and a learning disability. I would be nice about it though. But firm.

[stupidswife]

Wow--this forum has hit on a touchy spot for me. Last year my son was in Kindergarten and 3 4th graders were talking to him in a threatening manner. He is the "head" of his class and voiced back to these kids--who had threatened his life--that he would use an AK47 and blow them away. At his school they issue a "redirect" (basically a warning). I was in shock that Brody even knew what an AK47 was--(we own guns, but nothing like that, nor do we hunt/talk about them). Then it dawned on me that Brody had been hanging out with his cousin who's father is a hunting/gun fanatic and that must have been where he got the "lingo". I was appaulled. At kindergarten my son was in trouble for defending himself--or trying to be a big guy and not be bullied. It was a wake up call--Brody has NEVER shown any type of aggressive behavior--for the first time I was speechless. The schools today take EVERYTHING very serious even ridiculous threats by 5-6 y/o's. Needless to say we had a HUGE talk with him and tried to explain why it was so serious to the school. I'm not so sure he understood. I have NOW forbid Lego guns, squirt guns, plastic swords, lego swords, lego grenades, water grenades (water Balloons made to look like actual grenades) ETC. It seems ridiculous but I'm afraid to let him act like a normal boy. As a girl we played cowboys and indians--today it would be reason to be expelled. It really is ashame that it's come down to this. The kids of today have already lost alot of their imagination as it is. They don't engage in pretend play or use their imagination as we did years ago. Playing doctor seems "dirty". Playing "cops and robbers" is aggressive. I think what comes "natural" for kids is often misconstrued and turned into something naughty/ugly. It truly is a shame. We as a community are only allowing thier innocence to be misconstrued, instead of the reality of growing up--therefore facing them to grow older then they really need to be. Sorry I am rambling--I just remember my childhood and wish my children could experience the sam without being misunderstood.

Danielle

[Hope]

Okay, as a special education teacher with her masters in administration, I would like to give my imput.
Maybe it's because I work in the Bronx but, saying "freaking freak" is not such a big deal. It wasn't like he said "fu**ing freak" or "freaking fu**". Granted something should be said to him.
So here are my questions/statements:
1. What does the code of conduct say in the school? Usually there is a written booklet of "If a child does X, Y happens. Most of the time it is in steps, verbal warning is usually the first.

2. I'm upset that there was a statement that he signed saying that he said Fxxxx. Did he himself write it? If he did not write it did he read and UNDERSTAND what he was signing? No child should be handed a piece of paper and told to sign unless he UNDERSTANDS It. If that was the case, the school was WRONG.

3. As for the suspension.. I'm with everyone else, the punishment should fit the crime, that is why I asked about the code of conduct. I don't even think/feel he should be punished. A phone call to you would be fine. The school should have called you when it first happened anyway.

4. Also, In NY, if a child is in special education and on a 1 day, you can NOT leave him alone, you need to give him services so that he is able learn (ie resource room teacher, or special ed teacher to help him with the lesson)

5. Now, from the teachers point of view, we talk about parents like you in the teachers room. Trust me, make noise now and they will not bother you again. You have more rights than you know of as a parent!!! You need to make an example of the school so that this does not happen again.

Good luck with everything.

You go teach!!! Well said!
As for the word "freak" or "freakin" being no big deal in the Bronx, I do not believe it is a big deal in South Carolina either.
If my own son were to say "freak", yes I would scold him....but if he said the word "f--k", I doubt he'd be sitting down for awhile.

[sher45]

do what you think is right for your child so that you know that he wil lget a fair deal.

[Hope]

5. Life is full of stuff that is "unfair," and part of growing up is learning how to deal with it. For instance, my sixth grade teacher was a real jerk. I'm still close with several of my classmates, and we still love to reminisce about the crummy stuff that Mr. Stroh used to pull. My Mom did come to school to meet with him a couple times and I remember her telling me (to paraphrase) "Yes, your teacher is dumb and mean...but it's YOUR job to get along. If you can't get along with this guy, you're going to have problems all your life, because the world is filled with difficult people." Obviously, I didn't incorporate that wisdom right away...and continued "acting out" even worse over the next couple years. But it finally sank in.



Sally,
Your story has been on my mind since you posted it.
George is right, life is full of things that are unfair. However, it is our jobs as parents to make sure our children learn what is fair and what is not.
Recalling my own childhood, I will never forget Ms. Derrick. She made the Ms. clear to us, and that whether she was married or not was non of her students business. A wretched woman she was. About 5' tall, 250 pounds with fire red hair, fair skin and orange lips. She sounded like Scarlette O'Hara when she talked. She was mean. There is no other word to decribe her. Nothing pleased Ms. Derrick. I was a straight A student when I entered her class, and a C student by report card time. I hated school, and often made excuses not to go. I cried and pleaded with my father not to send me. Into the second quarter, I developed an ulcerated stomach and was hospitalized. My doctors thought that this was caused from worry and stress.
Finally, I broke down. I told my dad everything about mean 'ole Ms. Derrick.
My dad did not hesitate. He went directly to the source...that day. He talked to Mrs. Derrick and my principal. I never had problems again, and she apologized to me BTW, I became a straight A student again.
As far as 'getting the road ready' for a child or 'getting a child ready for the road', my dad defended me, and got me ready for the road. He taught me the proper way to stand up for myself, he taught me that if a situation is not fair, and you can control it...then control it. I am forever grateful for what my dad did that day. He listened to me, he believed in me. I do not believe he was ever labeled the "crazy dad", and he would not have cared what anyone else thought anyway. I never had to "act out". I learned to confront my problems just as my dad did that day.

I mean really, would anyone want to get a speeding ticket if they were not speeding? Wouldn't an innocent person plead innocent?

A learning disability does make a difference!

Please keep us posted. I wish the best for you and your son. :)

[VSLibby]

but I have to come down on the unpopular "let it go" side. While I don't think your son should sign a statement with which he disagrees, I have to say that imho name calling is at least as offensive as profanity. If my child were bullied at school, I would certainly not accept a defense of ADHD or "he was only joking."

Further, in-school suspension is NOT unsupervised, so you need not worry about that. If your son has an IEP, it will be followed even if he is in in-school suspension--if not, then the school had no way of knowing he has special needs and should not be held accountable for not taking them into consideration.

I would really advise against the "my-tax-dollars-pay-your-salary" argument. I hear that one quite often. My tax dollars pay my salary, too. I guess I'm self-employed.

As I said, I'm biased. I love teaching, and I love my kids. I also appreciate involved parents, but the fact is that if we wish to maintain the free public education system that has been, once again imho, a major factor in making America the greatest country on the planet, certain concessions must be made. Put 35 kids in my class, and I will find a way to teach each one. Put 35 kids in my class who cannot be held to any behavioral and/or academic standards because they are special (and whose child isn't special?), and the system cannot function. The public education system is kind of like democracy . . . it isn't perfect, but it's still superior to any other option.

That said, if you feel strongly that the principal was unfair, then you should pursue this. Just be aware of the message that you are sending to your child. Is it rage against injustice or it's okay to be mean if you have ADHD or you are the class clown or your mom is willing to complain loudly enough?

I truly hope this matter is resolved in the manner most beneficial to your son.

--Valerie

ps. Hope, I'm a Ms., too, and I also explain that it kind of irks me that marital status has to be a part of a woman's name but not a man's. Of course, I still answer to Miss and Mrs. and even just plain Libby, Lib, Libster, the Liberator, etc. although I do tell the persistent users of "miss" that I prefer "senorita" for its musical quality. :wink3:

[Hope]

I prefer "senorita" for its musical quality. :wink3: :sing: :laugh:

[LadyT]

Okay here's something that's off topic but sort of relevant to the thread. My dd was in the 6th or 7th grade. They were in the girls locker room getting ready to go back to class from p.e. My daughter was in line and another girl came up to her and told her that she had cut in line in front of her.(Don't remember if she did or not.) Well dd said to her that she didn't and the other girl punched dd and knocked her down. The other girl got on top of dd and was hitting her so dd started hitting back to get this girl off of her. Along came a teacher and broke it up and since they have a "no tolerance policy" for violence both girls were suspended. Other girls came to dd's defense and said that the other girl started it but the school said they had to go by the rules. I went to the school and they said that even if she didn't start it, she shouldn't have fought back and then told a teacher. So I told them okay what you're telling me basically is that she should have let the other girl beat the hell out of her even if she broke bones on my daughter and then she wouldn't have got into any trouble.They said no she still would have got suspended because there would be no way to know who started the fight. To me this is totally unfair. The other girl had been suspended so many times and was such a trouble maker that the teachers actually cringed when her name was mentioned. BTW the girl I'm talking about got put in juvenile a year later for writing death threats to some of the girls in school. My dd was one of them. I do not condone violence but since having gone through that fiasco I've told my children if someone starts a physical fight with you,get in as many hits as you can because whether you do or you don't you'll be punished along with the one who started it, but I have stressed for them never to start a fight. DD is a junior now and none of the kids have gotten into a fight since then but that time really made my blood boil. There can't be one standard set of rules because there are so many different situations.

[johnpatrick]

I’m sorry, I know I’m not going to convince you, but I think you are going way overboard here. You have an adult educator who was on the spot and thought he/she heard your son say something other than “you freaken freak” (that phrase in itself is inappropriate in a public school in my opinion). Now that adult may have been wrong and your son actually did say freaken freak. It is also quite possible that your son used the curse word the adult said he heard. 7th graders do that. It is neither right nor appropriate, but to deny that the possibility even exists is naive.

You could have taught your son a valuable lesson here, and you missed it. Freaken freak, in itself, is an inappropriate thing to say to a peer at school. Plain and simple. It is too easy to confuse with the curse word and quite frankly it was clearly a synonym for the curse word. His actions are what brought about the trouble. Behave appropriately and these things won’t happen, even if it was blown out of proportion.

What you taught him is that mom is going to fight his battles.

I’m sorry for the hard-nosed unpopular view.

[CKCollum]

How ironic it is to read these messages! The other day my DS was in class leaning back in his chair when the boy behind him pulled the chair and he fell down. Teacher got mad and kicked DS out of class...at the end of class she came out and informed him that he had to come in after school to make up the work he missed. He told her he couldn't come in after school b/c he had cross country practice- she told him school came first (Mom agrees). He disobeyed and went to practice. This made the teacher so mad that she then went to his other teachers to see if he was a problem to them as well, THEN she called me and told me all the teachers agreed. I came home and chewed some serious behind. Grounded the boy for the week. I sent she and all the rest of the teachers an email telling them I was sorry if he was disruptive and I hoped that if there were future probs that they call me ASAP.All the other teachers answered and said thanks for contacting and that they would let me know "if they had trouble" with him. A few days later he woke at 4:30 AM puking so I kept him home and sent an email request to pick up his schoolwork. She was the only teacher who still hasn't answered me ( 3 days later). I understand that my son likely misbehaved but please, I am thinking she overreacted as well....How frustrating to try and open the lines of communication and have the door shut on you. I agree with those who say you need to stand firm for what you feel appropriate for your child. As for ISS, frankly a lot of times it becomes a status symbol to some kids- if he does 1 ISS the other kids are likely to think he is a "cool kid". A LOT of ISS's on the other hand spells trouble. BTW- all of my kids say freak, much rather that than sh** or f*** or some of the others!!!

[superchickee]

I think too much is taken out of what our children say at school. My daughter got ISS for saying you freak. I personally do not think this is obscene or vulgar language. Whether or not in a joke context means no difference to me. It's like weirdo. I say that all the time. People take too many words these days too personal. As far as public schools go, I would rather have the money that is spent on my child to enroll her in a private facility . Instead of the state / and or government tell me when and where and how my child should be educated. I think most parents should be able to make that decision themselves. I know that some parents will say, well then, use a private school or homeschool. Financially I am not able to send my child to a private school. And as for homeschooling, that is being churned right now.

[syrayes]

My son went to a vocational school here in MAss, shortly after Columbine another kid threated to kill my son and shoot everyone in the school, he opened his backpack and showed my son the handle of a gun. My so reported the threat and what he had seen to the principal, the police were called and it turned out it was a beebee gun. Instead of my son feeling safe, they gave the kid a 3 day suspension. Needless to say I pulled my son out of the school. A few years later, a kid was stabbed and died. Could the school have prevented his death- I believe so. Did the school care? the sad part is no.Even in this day and age,

[jcns]

It's so difficult to make disciplinary decisions sometimes in the public schools these days. From teaching in an inner-city public school for many years, I had seen a lot of the things that go on. Scary stuff.

[PhoenixMommmy]

There are many issues that you are dealing with all at once and that's never easy. First, I do think the punishment was a bit much. First story: When I was in middle school I made my fair share (probably more than) of trouble. I was in ISS a few times, 2 of which I will still swear to this day that I was completely misunderstood. One of which was for something I said on a school trip. Our class went to the zoo with the special education class and I made a smart assed comment about Pink Flamingos. The only people that heard it were my father in and my teacher. Both of whom thought I was referring to the special education students. Now, I was a straight A student, but I didn't even understand how what I said could have even been applied to the S.E. students. Neither my father or my teacher believed me when I told them I meant the flamingos. I wound up getting ISS...
Second story: I was in elemetary school...and let me start this off by saying I had one of the worst cases of buck teeth that I've seen (and that to this day still embarrasses me because of what my classmates used to say) I used to come home crying and hate going to school at all. Finally, I decided to take up for myself and say something back to one of the boys...now what I said was uncalled for and inappropriate and I was sent to the principal who not only wanted to give me a spanking, but wanted to suspend me on top of that. When he called my mother she told him that he was NOT to touch me or punish me in ANY way until she arrived. When she got there she never said I was right or shouldn't be punished but she explained to him that she could name each boy that made fun of me and what they said. He said he KNEW about the comments and that "Boys will be boys" As you can guess my mother told me to go to the car and I could swear I heard every word she said from there. The school board was notified and only AFTER my mother's complaint did other parents come forward with similar issues.
The point is, regardless of whether or not your child is in the wrong...there is definately a BIG problem with the principal thinking he does not have to take responsibily for his actions. FIGHT HIM WITH ALL YOU HAVE!

[goodxxxgirl]

well I read most of the posts and having "been" there with my son. as the storys have been going, my son also was joking at school (not long after columbine occured) him and 3 girls, and of COURSE teacher walked in overheard my son say to one i'll kill ya ... well he was janked to office suspended,had to miss a class trip etc etc. he was very upset and i TAUGHT him that in no way shape or form was that a proper comment at school especially after what happened at colunbine. the 3 girls even told principle they were all joking but he was upset and felt he was wronged I told him well son this is one of lifes lesson's ... there is a time and a place for jokes and this was not one of them!! I do NOT in any way feel the school was wrong. I would NOT of been upset had they called the police either!! comments like his and a few others i have read are NOT appropriate at school PERIOD!!! we are all living in a differant era now and we ALL have to adjust and change accordingly ( god is my spelling bad or what lol) I will say to the original poster though I do feel for you and your child having a speech impedment made the situation difficult, it is so very hard on these teachers nowadays not "knowing" if they misunderstood, or if that straight A student is joking or if they are "snapping" may I suggest you and your child build a little closer "rapoor" with the counsler it has helped me and my kids some. good luck and soory about horrable spelling.......

ps sheeesh look at that spelling to think i even spent 4 years at college lol