Childless By Choice Group

[ironbutterfly]

*** Hi everyone, not sure how many of us are one the board ***

My husband and I are childless by choice and are very happy as such. We find many people hard time with it and actually have been told it's unnatural:laugh:

Which is funny because for me renting out my womb to a little parasite ( or delightful bundle of joy however you look at it it) and gestating like any other mammal makes me want to hurl:eek2: Then faint. The earth mother in me can appreciate how many find it a gorgeous wondrous process, but this girl will be quite happy never passing a mucus plug:baby:

So I take my little pill every day and hope against all odds that we will never be part of that fabled 3% failure rate:sweat:

I love kids and am an aunt of 10, so I have no shortage of wonderful kid moments. We are attempting to choose who are favorite is as hopefully we can spoil them thorugh life enough to visit us in a nursing home:rofl3:

Any other childless by choice folks out there?

[CrazyCatLady]

I don't do kids. Period.

When I was a young teenager, I guess I might have wanted them. But mostly I remember wanting kids to prove I could do a better job than my mother did. Wrong reason to want kids.

When I was 17, my friend got pregnant. And I kinda wanted the attention she got. But that quickly disappeared the day her baby spit up on me & I almost launched the kid across the room. (I did not actually throw the kid....but slobber totally disgusts me)

Since then tho, I have had absolutely no desire to have kids of my own. I simply am not the nurturing kind and I pretty much think they're all irritating little brats.

That being said, it's not like I hate children & do mean things to them. I just prefer to have nothing to do with them at all. I have a very low tolerance for shreking, rude, uncontrolled children in public places, but I simply roll my eyes & get myself out of the situation as quickly as I can. Because that's all I can control.

I love my niece & nephew (especially now, since they're almost all grown up -- 21 & 17) but I was never first choice to watch them or take them anywhere. I think we were all better off that way.

I'm 38 now. At this point, nothing's going to change my feelings about having kids.

[bdsweetie]

I'm a little bit different. I don't have kids by choice, but someday I know I will want them. My family keeps insisting that I should have them right away before I get to old (just turned 27 :rolleyes)

It just baffles them that I"ve been married 4 years and haven't popped out a kid yet. Of course they all assumed I had a bun in the oven when I got married b/c I eloped. I guess people just hate to be wrong. Anyhow, someday I think I will, but right now is not the right time. Financially, emotionally and health wise.

[ironbutterfly]

I'm a little bit different. I don't have kids by choice, but someday I know I will want them. My family keeps insisting that I should have them right away before I get to old (just turned 27 :rolleyes)

It just baffles them that I"ve been married 4 years and haven't popped out a kid yet. Of course they all assumed I had a bun in the oven when I got married b/c I eloped. I guess people just hate to be wrong. Anyhow, someday I think I will, but right now is not the right time. Financially, emotionally and health wise.


I know right:laugh:

Most of our family, after the 10 years we've been together, have finally accepted it. Strangers or new folks we meet look at me like I am crazy, and I have gotten very rude comment from other women who feel I am somehow short changing my hubby by not making him a mini me:rolleyes2

[rangerxenos]

Yep, no kids here either. It's not that I don't like kids, I've got a nephew that I spoil, and I'm an adopted aunt to my best friend's 3 kids, but neither DH or I really wanted any of our own.

I'm not sure what would have happened if I had married someone who did want kids, maybe I'd have a couple, LOL!

Does anyone else feel like they're paying for everyone else's kids? About 90 percent of our tax dollars in town go to education, yet we have no children using the schools. And more people with more children keep moving in, and we need bigger schools, so the taxes keep going up.

We also get none of the federal tax breaks that seem to be everywhere for those who have kids. Yet we don't have children using up more resources -- why is this fair? I think we should get a credit for not adding people to the world!

And yes, most of the rest of the world looks at you like you're a freak because you don't want kids.:eyebrow:

[ironbutterfly]

OMG Ranger I was thinking the same thing when my friend told me she was getting 6k back because she has a kid:grin3: I wonder how much peeps with 4 and 5 kids get:sherlock: IAfter reading the thread about people actually farming out their kids for the EIC:worry:

I don't mind my tax dollars going to improve the lives of children who will grow up one day and provide me a service, but I completely agree we are getting shafted when it comes to tax credits etc... I don't think it's right that the peeps with kids get all that money and we get nothing.

There should be a credit for not reproducing. No WIC, no utilizing public education, no school buses etc. :yay:

[CAmom]

I admire people for knowing this about themselves. I have seen people who so obviously should not have reproduced. I know some who have done it because of social pressure. Because it is expected of them. I think children should be wanted and nurtured. My birkenstocks go off to you (I don't wear hats lol).




Edit to add: I'm not implying anyone here would be a bad mother. I just think it's great you know these truths about yourselves.

[laurenk503]

I admire people for knowing this about themselves. I have seen people who so obviously should not have reproduced. I know some who have done it because of social pressure. Because it is expected of them. I think children should be wanted and nurtured. My birkenstocks go off to you (I don't wear hats lol).




Edit to add: I'm not implying anyone here would be a bad mother. I just think it's great you know these truths about yourselves.

I agree!!! I have just one child and I STILL get pressured, comments, etc. that I better meet someone quick or I won't be able to have more children, etc. I'm FINE with just my son! I chose to have a child and I am glad I did but I have SO MUCH respect for the people that choose NOT to.


You would not believe how many people I know who have children and don't even want them! A friend of mine who I no longer speak to had TWO children. She loved the attention she got throughout pregnancy and then when they were born she handed them over to her mother. She is 34 years old and should know better. She lives with her mother too and her son calls the grandmother mom - it's all screwed up. All she kept saying was that she wished she didn't have them after they were born - both times!! Grrr... I couldn't deal anymore and ended the friendship. I can't even relate.

I think it's great you guys chose what works for you and didn't get pressured by ANYBODY! Honestly, my son is 14 now and any chance my sister gets she tries to get me to babysit - I love my nephews but I have such a busy life that I just don't have the energy in me to babysit! I'm so out of that mode! I get all stressed out inside when they are yelling and screaming - I'm fine and belive me I don't get mad they are just children but I'm used to quiet now and I think I'm set in my ways.

Oh Well, even though I am not in the club - good for you guys!

[ironbutterfly]

Wow you guys, thanks for the kind words that is really cool:hugs: Especially cool that you are mommies who don't think we're freaks:highfive:

[straycat]

Wow you guys, thanks for the kind words that is really cool:hugs: Especially cool that you are mommies who don't think we're freaks:highfive:

we KNOW you guys are freaks, but in a good way...

I had a child at a really young age, and since then I've had problems down there: endo, miscarriages, etc. I'm one of the few that never had a choice. So, I've come to the realization that I'll never have my own. And, I'm happy with that. I DO love kids, and I love to babysit and all that, but now, being 33, I can honestly say I am SOOOO glad when they are back home...LOL. I like my peace and quiet.

[ironbutterfly]

we KNOW you guys are freaks, but in a good way...

I had a child at a really young age, and since then I've had problems down there: endo, miscarriages, etc. I'm one of the few that never had a choice. So, I've come to the realization that I'll never have my own. And, I'm happy with that. I DO love kids, and I love to babysit and all that, but now, being 33, I can honestly say I am SOOOO glad when they are back home...LOL. I like my peace and quiet.

:hugs:

Yup it's great to be around kids, give them presents, do cool crafts and fun things, and then go home:encore:

I have seen a couple birthing videos and I cannot imagine a more cruel and horrible thing to do to my vagina:kitty: One of my friends said it was almost the worst part of birthing, how big and open and disgusting her vagina felt for awhile afterwards:jawdrop: And the cesarean is like gutting a fish to get the caviar**shudder**

I have so much respect for people who can do that and live to tell the tale, they are stronger women than I:laugh:

[bearbaby_26]

:hugs:

Yup it's great to be around kids, give them presents, do cool crafts and fun things, and then go home:encore:

I have seen a couple birthing videos and I cannot imagine a more cruel and horrible thing to do to my vagina:kitty: One of my friends said it was almost the worst part of birthing, how big and open and disgusting her vagina felt for awhile afterwards:jawdrop: And the cesarean is like gutting a fish to get the caviar**shudder**

I have so much respect for people who can do that and live to tell the tale, they are stronger women than I:laugh:

Y'know, the actual birthing part wasn't the worst part of pregnancy. I had a horrible pregnancy full of pre-term labor and bedrest. Being pregnant SUCKED for me. I had no "glow". I was truly miserable and sick the whole time.

I had my son at 33, which I guess is late by some standards (not mine!). I am soooo glad I was childless throughout my 20s. I really had a great time and can't imagine being saddled down at such a young age. I am not having any more children. I love my son and can't imagine life without him now. But sometimes I desperately miss my freedom. I think mothers who don't admit this are lying. The nights grandma has him overnight are pure heaven. I would love to be able to have an entire evening to just sit and read a book. Maybe its only the good mothers who actually spend a lot of time with their kids who feel this way?

Anyhow, I salute women who choose not to have children. Obviously many valuable contributions are made by means other than through your womb.

[DebraE1972]

Yep, no kids here either. It's not that I don't like kids, I've got a nephew that I spoil, and I'm an adopted aunt to my best friend's 3 kids, but neither DH or I really wanted any of our own.

I'm not sure what would have happened if I had married someone who did want kids, maybe I'd have a couple, LOL!

Does anyone else feel like they're paying for everyone else's kids? About 90 percent of our tax dollars in town go to education, yet we have no children using the schools. And more people with more children keep moving in, and we need bigger schools, so the taxes keep going up.

We also get none of the federal tax breaks that seem to be everywhere for those who have kids. Yet we don't have children using up more resources -- why is this fair? I think we should get a credit for not adding people to the world!

And yes, most of the rest of the world looks at you like you're a freak because you don't want kids.:eyebrow:


I agree with you completely....I am an auntie to a fabulous little boy who I adore and I am the adopted auntie to 4 thanks to my best friend and that's all for me....other than my wonderful 4 legged kids........my cats.:bouquet:

[Ravzie]

Ravzie raises a hand....

My maternal gene is defective.

Not wanting to be beat up by the gazillions of happy parents, but sorry, I'm just not a kid person. Didn't play with baby dolls, didn't like my baby brother, didn't like to babysit, don't feel the need to rush and ooh ahh at everyone's baby pictures etc etc. I always thought the gene might "kick in" one day, but it never did. Now it's too late, I suppose I could buy one should I become a late bloomer, LOL.

Guess I'm selfish and immature in many people's opinion. I like my life the way it is. And so does my husband.

I have heard "Who is going to take care of you when you are old?" (He is - that's why I married a younger man, ha ha.)

[ironbutterfly]

Ravzie when people say that to me I laugh and tell them about all the folks in the nursing home I worked at that had children that never visited anyway lol

We plan on spoiling on the nieces and nephews in the hopes at least one will make sure our diapers get changed:rofl3:

[Ravzie]

Ravzie when people say that to me I laugh and tell them about all the folks in the nursing home I worked at that had children that never visited anyway lol

We plan on spoiling on the nieces and nephews in the hopes at least one will make sure our diapers get changed:rofl3:

Sad but true in my experince too... Certainly there are many, many kids looking after the old folks, but I sure have seen bunches with family "too busy" "too far" yada yada yada to come and see the patients in the ICU.

[Lvrofbooks]

I just want to say that I think this is a great idea for a group. I'm a mommy of 2, so I'm not childless by choice or anything, but I really respect people that know themselves so well & stick to a decision no matter what others have to say about it. Kudos to all of you!!!

[Zagnut444]

YAY! Childless by choice here. I've actually been told I'm selfish for not wanting or having kids....I get SOOOO sick of people asking if I am ever going to have kids and why not and yada yada yada. I like kids as long as they go home to someone else. My DH and I have always been that way. My DH is actually great with kids, they absolutely love him, and everyone then looks at me like "why aren't you giving him any kids since he's a natural at it".
Maybe it is selfish, who knows, who cares, I just know that I wouldn't be able to give a kid 100% of what they deserve since my heart isn't in it, and that's just not fair.



Edit: why do I always kill threads?? LOL

[CrazyCatLady]

YAY! Childless by choice here. I've actually been told I'm selfish for not wanting or having kids....I get SOOOO sick of people asking if I am ever going to have kids and why not and yada yada yada. I like kids as long as they go home to someone else. My DH and I have always been that way. My DH is actually great with kids, they absolutely love him, and everyone then looks at me like "why aren't you giving him any kids since he's a natural at it".
Maybe it is selfish, who knows, who cares, I just know that I wouldn't be able to give a kid 100% of what they deserve since my heart isn't in it, and that's just not fair.



Edit: why do I always kill threads?? LOL

I've been told I'm selfish also. And I really don't understand that one. At all. Who the hell am I hurting? All those eggs with no place to go? I'm single (also by choice) so it's not like I'm depriving my man of kids.

Yeah, I get to do what I want, when I want, however I want to do it. But it's not like I had to sacrifice someone for that.

[Greenly]

I'm a little bit different. I don't have kids by choice, but someday I know I will want them. My family keeps insisting that I should have them right away before I get to old (just turned 27 :rolleyes)

It just baffles them that I"ve been married 4 years and haven't popped out a kid yet. Of course they all assumed I had a bun in the oven when I got married b/c I eloped. I guess people just hate to be wrong. Anyhow, someday I think I will, but right now is not the right time. Financially, emotionally and health wise.


OMG i totally know how you feel!!! I'm so sick of everyone thinking since we're married we should have kids! I, unlike you, really don't want kids of my own. I have plenty of neices & nephews and I'm quite content with that.

I really wish people wouldnt act so surprised when we tell them we dont ahve kids. I also wish they wouldnt be so pushy saying that we need to get the ball rolling. Arent there enough kids in the world without parents? If i ever did have kids I would rather adopt and give a kid a home rather than have my own. But we don't have the money and frankly we're a bit selfish and what money we do have we want it for ourselves!

[Greenly]

Ravzie when people say that to me I laugh and tell them about all the folks in the nursing home I worked at that had children that never visited anyway lol

We plan on spoiling on the nieces and nephews in the hopes at least one will make sure our diapers get changed:rofl3:

lol DH & I were talking about this the other day and I said that my neice, Chelsea, would take care of us. Then i realized by the time i'm needing to be in diapers she wont really be too far behind me lol She's just 12 years younger than me. I may have to start sucking up to my younger nephews. hahaha

[psipsina]

I'm childless by choice. DH and I got married when I was young so everyone assumed it was because I was preggers but lo and behold 8 years later and no little poopers in my home. My poor MIL brings it up every time we see eachother. Once I offered to pop one out and then hand it to her assuming she'd say no, but she got all excited and agreed!?! Yeah, because we all know how much we want our MIL raising our spawn. DH and I still haven't decided the "if we will ever have them question" but for now my education is my priority. I have classmates with kids and it is totally doable but doesn't look very enjoyable so I'm actively avoiding it. . . I couldn't be the type of mom I'd want to be with my plate this full ya know? I've had plenty of people tell me that I should do it now because I might not be able to if I wait (I'm only 26??) but if that happens and I still want a little pooper I'll adopt and love it just as much as if it was made of my own nucleotides. Also alot will depend on what type of doctor I decide to be and what type of lifestyle that will entail . . . if I go neurosurgeon with 90 hour work weeks I'm not sure if DH will be on-board with basically being a single parent which is totally understandable. They way I look at it is I have a womb, but that is not all I have . . . they're are plenty of other ways to contribute to the well being of my species without fulfilling the moral imperative. If I was a guy no one would be batting an eye that I was 26 and without spawn . . . having a womb doesn't mean I have to use it.

[jamiechic]

Also, childless by choice! Much like psipsina, haven't quite made the final decision that we'll never have kids, but we've been married almost 9 years and haven't opted to have them yet.

I love when people say it's selfish not to have kids. My biggest struggle with deciding to have kids is that I think it is selfish TO have them. The world is overpopulated and there is no NEED for me to reproduce. I love my nieces and nephews and I know both my husband and I would make great parents, but we don't HAVE to be parents to be worthwhile.

I also find it funny when people tell me not to wait too long (ie having kids after 30 will be more difficult). My response to that is if I only have one kid, and I have it after I'm 30 (I'm 31 now), how will I know how "easy" it could have been :)

When I turned 31 my grandmother announced that I was officially too old to have kids. She was in her mid to late 30s when she had her last.

[TAWANDA]

I have a child but the curiosity got the best of me and I had to read the entire thread. I would love more children......but had a hysterectomy so that isn't happening ever again. It was necessary to have it a couple of years ago. I'm okay with the decision but there are times when I would love to have another child. I consider adoption and then I think, my son is almost grown--I must be nutts. I just love children.

I don't think those of you who have made the choice would have been bad parents so don't get me wrong when I say this. Having been an "accident" to my parents, the "accident" that forced them to "do the right thing and get married"--watching them go through years of fighting on my behalf---not that they were fighting over me particularly but fighting none the less. Seeing all the step-relationships where I was "not" someone's child but just something they took on as part of a package deal because they "had to" didn't make me feel treasured in the least. I would have rather my parents used condoms, birth control or whatever to keep me from being.

I admire the courage you have to step up to the plate and say "That is not for me". Not that it won't change for some of you later on but for you now, in the present--it's a good decision. Children take a lot of work. I know, I have one. I would have a dozen if I could but that's just me, I want kids to feel special, wanted and learn how to survive in this crazy world on their own. If adoption were easier and not so expensive, I would probably have a house full.

It doesn't mean that you wouldn't be excellent too. You just are choosing differently for the moment and maybe for a lifetime. Kudos to you again and again. Tell the inlaws, the friends, the siblings to quit looking to you to fill their need for more children, you are perfectly satisfied.

[shiloh19]

for choosing what is best for you, for many different reasons. Iron Butterfly asked a question, some time ago, (the gist of was) whether or not childless persons had worthy or valid opinions concerning child care/rearing. Having a child does not make one a parent, nor does the lack thereof make one unable to offer sound and valuable parenting/mentoring of children. Every child should have an assortment of family members to love, correct, and offer them direction. Few do. For those of you who choose to make yourself part of the extended family, bless you. There are lives you will touch more than you can imagine. There are sisters/brothers/marriages that you will allow room to breath and regain their perspective, because you offered to take the niece or nephew for 24 hours, allowing them to take the uninterrupted bath and crawl into bed for a much needed sleep. You are a much loved but not always truly appreciated commodity. People who try to the best of their ability to be honest and true to themselves and those they love are simply the best.

[VALENTINE]

Dh and I too also, childless by choice!

I am 49 now, never really wanted one and Dh had to practically raise 9 siblings his parents were spitting out left and right.

For a long time I just figured we would adopt but we never grew a big enough nest egg to raise a little one properly.

Now as I grow older we have discussed lightly at times, adopting an adult.
There are many older people out there that have lost all of their families to accidents and such and just want to feel like they have a place to call home and refer to having adopted parents.
The way we see it if we decide to open our home now or even later there is always someone out there wanting just "to belong" so we see no rush.

How to adopt an adult person
(http://www.associatedcontent.com/article/206831/my_guide_and_tips_on_how_to_adopt_an.html)


I have very vivid memories of my sister who had a post partum (babyblues?)breakdown after birthing her first and only child, the family found her in her apartment shut inside a closet totally freaking and bawling because she could not shut the baby up, she had enough sense to at least put the baby on the carpet and surround it with pillows. She was quite insane by the time the family found her, she had gone through every emotion trying to deal with the child, when she considered harming it, that is when she went into the closet so she wouldn't.

That is scary to me because I can't stand babies that won't stop crying either.
I can tolerate an animal hurt cry or lonely cry but the human cry touches a deep nerve I just can't stand, especially when they reach that red faced, snot blowing hard scream ever lasting crying...ugh!

[ironbutterfly]

for choosing what is best for you, for many different reasons. Iron Butterfly asked a question, some time ago, (the gist of was) whether or not childless persons had worthy or valid opinions concerning child care/rearing. Having a child does not make one a parent, nor does the lack thereof make one unable to offer sound and valuable parenting/mentoring of children. Every child should have an assortment of family members to love, correct, and offer them direction. Few do. For those of you who choose to make yourself part of the extended family, bless you. There are lives you will touch more than you can imagine. There are sisters/brothers/marriages that you will allow room to breath and regain their perspective, because you offered to take the niece or nephew for 24 hours, allowing them to take the uninterrupted bath and crawl into bed for a much needed sleep. You are a much loved but not always truly appreciated commodity. People who try to the best of their ability to be honest and true to themselves and those they love are simply the best.

:twoclap: Hey I think I love you :sing:

[rangerxenos]

for choosing what is best for you, for many different reasons. Iron Butterfly asked a question, some time ago, (the gist of was) whether or not childless persons had worthy or valid opinions concerning child care/rearing. Having a child does not make one a parent, nor does the lack thereof make one unable to offer sound and valuable parenting/mentoring of children. Every child should have an assortment of family members to love, correct, and offer them direction. Few do. For those of you who choose to make yourself part of the extended family, bless you. There are lives you will touch more than you can imagine. There are sisters/brothers/marriages that you will allow room to breath and regain their perspective, because you offered to take the niece or nephew for 24 hours, allowing them to take the uninterrupted bath and crawl into bed for a much needed sleep. You are a much loved but not always truly appreciated commodity. People who try to the best of their ability to be honest and true to themselves and those they love are simply the best.


Thanks so much for this! I try to help out one of my friends in particular, her kids are going through so many problems right now, and I just hope that if enough 'extended' family can help them get through this really rough time, they might turn out okay. My friend is in a horrible marriage, and their kids are suffering badly because of it, but for varied reasons she has decided to stay.

I cannot for the life of me figure out why someone who really doesn't want children would have them.

[Greenly]

The way I look at it is I have a womb, but that is not all I have . . . they're are plenty of other ways to contribute to the well being of my species without fulfilling the moral imperative. If I was a guy no one would be batting an eye that I was 26 and without spawn . . . having a womb doesn't mean I have to use it.

:twoclap: VERY well said!!! :twoclap:

[AlwaysLate]

Add me to the list. Had my tubes tied at 32. Knew very early on that I didn't want kids. I wish I could have gotten my tubes done in my 20s, but doctors don't take you seriously at that age. Had to research to find a doc that would do it even at 32. It's nice to finally have my family off my back now that it's physically impossible for me to push out young 'uns.

What little maternal nature I have goes to my dogs and boyfriend. You can leave dogs alone for twelve hours and they won't burn down the house and no agencies show up on your doorstep. Works well for me.

[kahalaave]

With me,it wasn't so much that I didn't want kids as much as I never settled down long enough in one place to really think about having kids.I've always worked with kids as a teacher,nanny,etc & I've always wanted kids especially when I was younger.
But now with all of my medical problems,I am really thankful that I never had any & I so appreciate all of the time with other peoples kids-especially if iI wasn't feeling well then I could just call their parents to pick up their kids.
I am not a morning person at all so if I had kids,I would've had to hire someone to get up with them or I would be the mom at the all-night grocery store with the gaggle of kids in their pj's at 2 in the morning..I think that I would've been a fun mom just not a morning mom lol

[deborah62]

Another childless by choice.All the woman in my family start popping out the babies right after high school,or before.I know very young at 9 or so I did not want to do that,so from the time I left high school all I heard from parents and family was when I was going to have a baby :rolleyes: never mind that I was not even close to getting married.They though I was some kind of freak for not having kids,but I just knew that for whatever reason I was not meant to have kids,one reason is I did not want to have a kid then treat it like I was,I never had the time,during my 20s sometimes I worked 3 jobs,I never meet the right person I would want to have a kid with,the main reason is deep down I think I always knew I wasn't meant to be a mom,do not get me wrong i love kids,so at 34 when I had a hysterectomy and could not have kid even if I wanted them now I was not to devastated,it was completely the right choice for me.