Abuse Survivors Unite

[Twinkles]

Thought I would start a thread for all survivors of childhood abuse to gather together for some support & encouragement.

You're welcome to share your stories of survival. This is a safe supportive place to share your experiences with others who truly understand what it's like to have lived through the pain and horror of child abuse. ie. (physical, sexual, emotional abuse and neglect).

This thread is a place to share your thoughts and feelings, ask questions, discuss therapy stuff and abuse related topics, advice on coping, dealing with memories, triggers & flashbacks, PTSD, etc.

It's a place for survivors to unite together in their journey towards healing!

((( Big Hugs! ))) :hugs:

[Captain Nemo]

mayby i shouldnt post here ,
i dont think i am a survivor yet .
i am still gripping with many difficulyies about it all

[Captain Nemo]

y r my posts getting deeted ??
IFFICULT SUBJECT < GIVE ME A CHANCE TO TOLK

[Captain Nemo]

i will trust that this forum is safe from the meanys .
sometimes i stay in ded for one oand two days at a time .
i remember the 1st day vividly .
i relive it way too often.
i remember thinking that something was wrong , i never had anyone touch me "DOWN there "
he talked so nice , trust me , feels good .
i trusted
bbl mayby , hard to talk about

[Morrigan]

It would be so easy to pass this topic by and keep our feelings inside. I've backed out three times now myself. Then later, I got to thinking that keeping my silence has never helped me much in the past. Just maybe I could turn something that has impacted my life in such a negative way into something positive.

Maybe by swallowing my pride and stepping forward I can help someone else, in some small way. So I'm here now. I guess if I'm going to talk about this subject with anybody it may as well be the people I've come to know and have learned to care about over the years.

I'm a survivor of child abuse. There are many types of abuse. Physical, emotional, sexual, and mental. I know them all. I've walked across a mighty long bridge of emotions to get to where I am today. I don't claim to have all of the answers, but I have a caring heart and if I can help, I'm here.

[Morrigan]

Hey Nemo,
I think you'll be welcomed here. Yes, it is a tough subject to discuss, but it's also a hard one to live with alone. This group is not meant to be a substitute for Professional therapy, but more so as friends with similar issues. I highly recommend seeking Professional advice/therapy for learning to cope, and to heal from past abuse. I've been through years of therapy in the past. There's no shame in seeking help. It can really be a comfort just knowing that someone is finally listening to you, and is willing to help you find your way. :hugs:

[Captain Nemo]

why am i disturbed about what happened ??
i'm not sure .
i an envision the 1st incident very distinctly in my mind , the smells , sights ,sounds .
from what i have heared what happened to me is mild in comparison .
do i have a right to feel shamed ?/ i m unsure .
way back long ago a man bedding a man was a very bad thing ,
what the man did to me could never be told to mom or dad way back then .

[Morrigan]

Unfortunately, I feel that the shame is placed upon the victim by the abuser himself. As children we are taught to respect ALL adults. We're taught right from wrong and that knowledge is what an abuser will play on and use to shame a child into keeping his secret. As innocent, trusting children were made by the abuser to feel responsible for what has happened, hence the guilt, shame, and silence.

Of course the actions taken were wrong... But it is not a child's fault that someone takes advantage of them. That blame and responsibility falls solely on the adult though they seldom if ever claim it as their own. It's far easier to bully a child into excepting it.

I hope you'll give thought to speaking with a therapist. It's the first step to shedding the pain.

[superdee9]

As a survivor as well I just wanted to let you know that there can be justice - if more people charged these ********* pedophiles with abuse either civilly or crimininally it may help to discourage others - let get what is due to us when we got ripped off for our childhood. Get a lawyer - the statute of limitation is on our side - your childhood is gone forever but you may be able to get compensated either mentally or financially - we have to stop the silence and letting these people get away with this - more info needed - let me know
Step 1 - get a lawyer!

[astromynx]

I am also a survivor of sexual child abuse.

I found this thread a couple days ago and am back to talk now.

Like you, Nemo, I vividly remember the very first time. I was three years old. I remember every word spoken, but for some reason, I can only recall it as if I am watching it instead of actually experiencing it.

I have yet to figure out how a man could do that to a little girl...especially his own. I dare not think about what I might do to someone who did that to my daughter.

My mother eventually had the conversation with me about telling her if someone touched me inappropriately. By then, though, it had been happening for a long time, and I had been convinced that she wouldn't love me anymore if I told.

I cannot remember most of the times it happened, but it occurred at least weekly until I was fifteen. My childhood was taken from me.

I sometimes wonder what kind of person I would be if all that didn't happen to me. I wonder if I would be more confident...more trusting...more normal.

You know, I can't dwell on that, though. I shove it to the back and try to forget it ever happened, for the most part. That, unfortunately, has caused an issue that does bother me. In stuffing my past, my brain has gotten stuck on auto-stuff. I tend to forget the details of most everything as time goes by.

I have written poetry to get some of my feeling out of my head and onto paper. I will share those here.

[astromynx]

Her Demon

It's looming in the darkness;
She can feel it closing in.
She thought the demon was dead,
But she's afraid it will rise again.

It mauled and maimed her once;
The scars will never go away.
She knows this demon well,
And she fears it's here to stay.

It may have a new victim soon,
But only time will tell.
THere's nothing she can do
To save the new one from the hell.

All she can do is pray
That these events won't come to pass.
She can only hope the terror
Has come to an end at last.

[astromynx]

Closer to Closure

It seemed a lifetime
You had me bound to you,
But I saw beyond your evil deeds
And now the nightmare is through.

Fear and lies enabled you-
Allowed your unnatural affliction.
But now I’ve escaped
And won’t feed your addiction.

I’m closer to closure-
I have nothing to hide.
The pain is almost gone;
I’m coming to life inside.

I’m closer to closure-
Almost where I want to be.
Just one more day
And maybe I will be free.

Courage has many forms
And strength many faces.
Confronting you was so difficult,
Like the toughest of races.

Your apologies rang false,
But were there just the same.
It might have meant more
If you hadn’t sounded so lame.

I’m closer to closure-
I have nothing to hide.
The pain is almost gone;
I’m coming to life inside.

I’m closer to closure-
Almost where I want to be.
Just one more day
And maybe I will be free.

Last night I got the call
I knew would eventually arrive.
Not knowing if I was sad or relieved,
I listened to the news you’d died.

Tomorrow I’ll see you again
After all these years.
You won’t be able to see
Me release all these pent-up tears.

I’m closer to closure-
I have nothing to hide.
The pain is almost gone;
I’m coming to life inside.

I’m closer to closure-
Almost where I want to be.
Just one more day
And maybe I will be free.

[Twinkles]

As a survivor as well I just wanted to let you know that there can be justice - if more people charged these ********* pedophiles with abuse either civilly or crimininally it may help to discourage others - let get what is due to us when we got ripped off for our childhood. Get a lawyer - the statute of limitation is on our side - your childhood is gone forever but you may be able to get compensated either mentally or financially - we have to stop the silence and letting these people get away with this - more info needed - let me know
Step 1 - get a lawyer!

What is the statute of limitations?

[Twinkles]

astromynx,

Thank-you for having the courage to step forward with your story, as well as, sharing your poetry with us. Your poems are incredibly powerful and speak volumes! As a survivor, I can truly identify with the words (thoughts & feelings) you've poetically written... I'm sure, others can too.

[angelfish]

I am a survivor. That is all I am ready to say right now. It may be all I am ever ready to say.
Hugs to all who post in this thread.:grouphug:

[angelfish]

This is a poem that I wrote a while back. This I will share.

The Storm came without warning
The way it always did.
Shivering 'neath the covers
The child lay hidden in her bed.
She shivered at its' power
As her soul felt tossed about.
She prayed "Oh please be over"
When she heard the Shot ring out.
Ah, the Silence.
So still, So calm, So dead.
Slowly she pulls the blankets from her head.
The Storm has finally ended.
As suddenly as it came.
Somewhere far away
A lonely siren keens.
She lies there in the quiet
Unsure what to do,
When gentle arms enfold her
A soft voice calls her name

[Twinkles]

angelfish,

Your poem brought tears to my eyes. Thank-you for sharing. If it's okay, I'd like to give you a safe hug.

((( Big Hug! ))) :hugs:

[angelfish]

Thank you Twinkles.:)(((hugs))))to you. This place feels safe.

edited to add: I am a grandma now but that little girl lives on inside of me and sometimes I need to speak out for her.

[TAWANDA]

Sorry foks, I had to delete my poem. I'm putting it in a safe place.

[Cusmile]

I say I am.

But, others say different. Especially the professionals. You never heal, it is carved so deeply into your soul, a lifetime scar.

I would go to counselors when I was so young and then older, or because of my disability (MS, they make you go)

But, they always get me alone. And they always ask about my childhood and how I was raised and if "any abuse" took place. They are taught how to ask the questions to bring out the most horrific times in your life. So the demons would rise and the knife would plunge deeper into my soul as I would talk or write about it again, and again.

I started lying to them years ago. "No, I was raised just fine, typical childhood, nothing horrific in my life." They never knew...they never read or had the past medical records. Docs are bad about that!

Why did I lie? Because I wrote all the diaries and poems I could write. I told the stories to professionals hundreds of times. Each time..just made the knife twist deeper into my soul and heart. I could not think straight and would be depressed for days.

Why don't they help me let it go? Why are they not helping me to heal? All they kept asking me was "And how did you feel when that happened" They never helped me heal!

It would always stop me from my visions of being safe, my visions of being loved and not alone. I would push away what I wanted and needed most. The memories, the pain...was ruining my life, keeping me down, smothering me, making me into a person I dispised and blamed for what happened. I trusted no one, since it was not a single abuser, I hated everyone,

Now, after documenting and talking about so often, I finally buried it deep, deep, down into the depths of hell where it belongs. I had written and talked enough to fill all the pages of War and Peace..and I was no where near being healed, or the person I always dreamed of being. I wanted to live...to rise above it...I wanted to heal!

It took the first step, lying to the counselor, and then the nest step, no more writing. Then a few steps later, I was writing my goals, my dreams, and how I will live happily and not alone. I took the steps to love and trust the ones that wanted to be in my life. The ones that would keep me safe and never hurt me. I was on a road to healing, and faith.

I taught my children from day one, so they would have the power in knowing what is not right and telling them how I will always keep them safe. I became proactive in helping others work to do what they needed to..move on.

To make a difference, to succeed, to believe in myself is what helped me to heal.

Vision without action is just a daydream,
Action without a vision is a nightmare.

I visualized what I wanted to have and how I wanted to live. And I am now, though the terror comes out and rears its ugly head....I am able to send it back down where it belongs...underneath all the passions I have for my life, my family my success that are much stronger then ever.

My heart goes out to all of you to find your way and heal. I think most of you have, but, still need to talk, which is the road to take to begin toheal.

My prayers are for all that suffered the horrific abuse from people that were suppose to keep you safe, to find that vision, and take action so you can be whole again.

[astromynx]

This is a poem that I wrote a while back. This I will share.

The Storm came without warning
The way it always did.
Shivering 'neath the covers
The child lay hidden in her bed.
She shivered at its' power
As her soul felt tossed about.
She prayed "Oh please be over"
When she heard the Shot ring out.
Ah, the Silence.
So still, So calm, So dead.
Slowly she pulls the blankets from her head.
The Storm has finally ended.
As suddenly as it came.
Somewhere far away
A lonely siren keens.
She lies there in the quiet
Unsure what to do,
When gentle arms enfold her
A soft voice calls her name

I didn't realize I was holding my breath until I reached the end of your poem and let out a big sigh.

I wish I could go back in time and scoop up all of us as kids and makes things safe.

____

TAWANDA- I am sitting here wiping away tears that are still falling. I literally started bawling halfway through your poem. I cannot think of anything to say that wouldn't come across at patronizing, but my heart broke while reading what you have written.


____

Cusmile- I so understand what you have written.
Although I have never had formal counseling, I have discussed the topic to death with many people. I have stuffed, stomped, and buried what happened to me so much, that it doesn't hurt so much anymore as just makes me angry that that was done to me. I can discuss my own situation better than what happened to other people, because it tears me up to know others went through what I did and much worse.

You are so right in that it can't be constantly dwelt on- that plans and goals have to me made and striven for. You are right that our kids have to be taught right away that this happens and we are here to protect them from it.

I also pretend that I am healed, striving for what I want in life. I've finally found most of it. I hope all of us do. This thread is both painful and helpful in that it simultaneously confirms and horrifies me that I am not alone.

[superdee9]

Preliminary Note: Statutes of limitations restrict the time period that a person can file a lawsuit. These statutes not only vary by state, but they also vary by cause of action. The following guide provides limitations periods for each state, but only for particular causes of action; specifically, those related to personal injury, medical malpractice, and products liability claims. The sections discussing special rules for minors only apply to the causes of action listed for that particular state.

Special Rules for Minors
Except in cases of medical malpractice or wrongful death, most negligence actions for injuries sustained by a minor must be brought within four years of the date of the injury. There are, however, special limited exceptions to this general rule

The statute of limitations is a period where you could file a lawsuit - it can be 4 years from time of occurence, 4 years from the time you realized it, 4 years from the time you did something about your situation etc which is the one I utilized during my successful lawsuit against the evil pedophiliac (is the a word)?

[Morrigan]

Dearest friends,
Your poems and stories have touched my heart. :hugs: I'm so sorry that you each have been made to endure such Hell in your young lives. I'm sure that you all were beautiful children, obedient and loving. Wishing for nothing more than simple kindness from the one's that hurt you so. I wish I were able to erase your scars.

[Twinkles]

Morrigan,

I like your siggy... "Children deserve to be safe."

Thanks for sharing & contributing to this thread.

((( Big Hug! ))) :hugs:

[gemini lion]

I still have a lot of issues connected to my childhood abuse and abuse even in my adulthood.

I do not like to talk about it much but I might share some stuff or talk in pm's.

Thanks for starting the thread.

People don't realize how something like this can effect someone for the rest of thier lives.

[gemini lion]

mayby i shouldnt post here ,
i dont think i am a survivor yet .
i am still gripping with many difficulyies about it all

You are not the only one Nemo.

[Morrigan]

I'm here if you'd like to talk some time. :yesyes:


I still have a lot of issues connected to my childhood abuse and abuse even in my adulthood.

I do not like to talk about it much but I might share some stuff or talk in pm's.

Thanks for starting the thread.

People don't realize how something like this can effect someone for the rest of thier lives.

[Morrigan]

Thank you Twinkles :smile7:


Morrigan,

I like your siggy... "Children deserve to be safe."

Thanks for sharing & contributing to this thread.

((( Big Hug! ))) :hugs:

[TAWANDA]

___

TAWANDA- I am sitting here wiping away tears that are still falling. I literally started bawling halfway through your poem. I cannot think of anything to say that wouldn't come across at patronizing, but my heart broke while reading what you have written.



astromynx, i should have explained the #38. i've posted before about my brother who died March 20, 1970. this is the # on the circle (i have yet to buy the headstone for his grave)
I've been working on this for months now, trying to come up with the perfect words that really give power to what I feel about his death. I didn't expect your tears nor am I prepared for what to say other than this happened almost 38 years ago. This one writing has given me strength because it will allow me to not forget the horror that was contained in our short lives but it will also allow me to move forward.

I will never have all the answers, as none of us will why these things happen to the small and defenseless. New media stories give reason to believe that we aren't the only ones, the first ones or the last to encounter such sadness in our lives.

My poem wasn't intended to over shadow others that were written, nor make me a great author but just to state the facts.

Life has proven to be so uncertain at times for me. I do know that as sad as it was that I needed strength to deal with other things in my life that were derived from this childhood.
While the grief has not yet been completely overcome, even after all these years you don't get over it but merely you work and strive to not let it overcome your life, overshadow the good nor discount the happiness that can be obtained.

Please don't cry for me or for him any longer but do us a favor, if you should see a child in need of help, please use our story to give you strength to help that child find shelter amid the storms of their lives while it is early and easier to overcome. That's all.

Thank you for your kind words.

[astromynx]

astromynx, i should have explained the #38. i've posted before about my brother who died March 20, 1970. this is the # on the circle (i have yet to buy the headstone for his grave)
I've been working on this for months now, trying to come up with the perfect words that really give power to what I feel about his death. I didn't expect your tears nor am I prepared for what to say other than this happened almost 38 years ago. This one writing has given me strength because it will allow me to not forget the horror that was contained in our short lives but it will also allow me to move forward.

I will never have all the answers, as none of us will why these things happen to the small and defenseless. New media stories give reason to believe that we aren't the only ones, the first ones or the last to encounter such sadness in our lives.

My poem wasn't intended to over shadow others that were written, nor make me a great author but just to state the facts.

Life has proven to be so uncertain at times for me. I do know that as sad as it was that I needed strength to deal with other things in my life that were derived from this childhood.
While the grief has not yet been completely overcome, even after all these years you don't get over it but merely you work and strive to not let it overcome your life, overshadow the good nor discount the happiness that can be obtained.

Please don't cry for me or for him any longer but do us a favor, if you should see a child in need of help, please use our story to give you strength to help that child find shelter amid the storms of their lives while it is early and easier to overcome. That's all.

Thank you for your kind words.

Now that I think about it, I can't really think of what I would say to someone who said they cried about my childhood situation, either.

I did understand that what you wrote about happened quite some time ago. I'm struggling to find the right words to explain why I got emotional. I think sometimes I can fearlessly tell parts of my own story with detachment, but reading horror stories of other people is difficult because it's easier to pretend I'm the only one that bad things happened to as a child. It makes the world easier to live in for me.

I would fight tooth and nail to protect a child if I found out he or she was living with abuse. It still blows my mind that there are adults that prey on the helpless.

I won't cry for the child you were anymore, but will be proud of the woman who is overcoming to write her own destiny.

There are well over 500 views of this thread so far, but only a few posters. There are surely more people viewing than those just looking out of curiosity. I,too, hope this thread will help someone in need.

[delilya]

There are well over 500 views of this thread so far, but only a few posters. There are surely more people viewing than those just looking out of curiosity. I,too, hope this thread will help someone in need.

I've tried a couple of times to write, but couldn't go through with it.

Sigh, and I guess I still can't. Had to erase it again. I read through it and think no-one will believe me, no-one will understand, someone will come along and mock me for my words.

My thoughts and prayers are with you all. :grouphug:

[Morrigan]

I've always heard that there's strenght in numbers. Your not alone here. I can't speak for the entire site, but I trust that can I speak for this group of members. I can promise you that no one here would think of mocking you for expressing your feelings. We would embrace you and except you just the way your are. :hugs:

[mvir9]

This is the first time I looked at this thread, and it was tempting to pass by -- simply because I intentionally do not make the abuse I suffered as a child the focal point of my life and, when it is brought up often enough, it has a way of creeping back toward the focal point. I have exactly one person (a recently made friendship) that I feel free to discuss the intricacies of my lingering emotional disturbances with (she knows who she is, and I can't thank her enough).

However, I think that this thread is a wonderful opportunity for many people who have dealt with child abuse (in any form). First, it is through a computer screen, so they may feel more comfortable speaking up. Secondly, hearing the voices of so many others very well may encourage them to take that very brave step of finally confronting the issue.

Please remember that it is possible to find happiness after having suffered child abuse. Please remember that it is not and was not your fault. Please remember that this world is not all hate and pain. Please remember that other people have experienced something like what you have experienced -- you are NOT alone.

Good luck to you all.

[mvir9]

I've tried a couple of times to write, but couldn't go through with it.

Sigh, and I guess I still can't. Had to erase it again. I read through it and think no-one will believe me, no-one will understand, someone will come along and mock me for my words.

My thoughts and prayers are with you all. :grouphug:

Considering my own tale, I assure you . . . I will believe you.

However, I understand the concern. Most of the members of my family didn't believe me. Most of the members of my family consider me to be at fault. Most of the members of my family think that I am a "trouble-maker." It is not fun when your own mother refers to you as a slut for what her husband did to you as a child.

See . . . my own tale is quite unbelievable at face value. For those of us who have experienced it, however, we KNOW.

Regardless of my opinion, please don't take this as me attempting to pressure you into opening up. That is the last thing I would want to do. When you are ready, you will know. I wish you the best.

[astromynx]

I've tried a couple of times to write, but couldn't go through with it.

Sigh, and I guess I still can't. Had to erase it again. I read through it and think no-one will believe me, no-one will understand, someone will come along and mock me for my words.

My thoughts and prayers are with you all. :grouphug:

Delilya, isn't it crazy that it is so hard for us to speak about acts that are so far from our own fault? I have also written and erased a lot of sentences in this thread...sigh.

Like mvir9 said, many of our stories can seem unbelievable. It puts me in mind of all the tactics that were used against me to keep me from talking when I was younger...."they'll not love you any more, they'll not believe you...they'll take you away and you'll end up in a worse place...blah blah blah." It is so hard to overcome all that negative hardwiring in our brains.

Don't type anything if it makes you uncomfortable. Just know you are in my thoughts and prayers, too.

[Twinkles]

So much I want to say... but, I just can't. The silence feels deafening.

Broken... like a million shattered pieces of splintery glass. I truly wonder if the insides will ever be put back together. Lots of little ones kicking & screaming.

[mvir9]

I truly wonder if the insides will ever be put back together.

Been there, done that. Even though it is a struggle, it CAN get better. I promise.

[gemini lion]

Posted something but changed my mind.

[Morrigan]

It takes time, but it can be done. I'm not saying that everything will be perfect someday, but it does get easier to work through. :hugs: I hope your doing better this evening. :smile7:

So much I want to say... but, I just can't. The silence feels deafening.

Broken... like a million shattered pieces of splintery glass. I truly wonder if the insides will ever be put back together. Lots of little ones kicking & screaming.

[Morrigan]

Take your time. There's no rush to say a word. You came and that's a very big step. :yesyes:


Posted something but changed my mind.

[Twinkles]

Been there, done that. Even though it is a struggle, it CAN get better. I promise.


It takes time, but it can be done. I'm not saying that everything will be perfect someday, but it does get easier to work through. :hugs: I hope your doing better this evening. :smile7:


Thanks for the words of encouragment. (mvir9 & Morrigan) :)


There are times. it feels like I'm just holding on to a tiny thread... but, I still keep holding on!!! I keep trying to remind myself that things will eventually, get better. The process is slooow and difficult.

It feels so much easier to simply run & hide from the pain and memories of my childhood. Putting on a brave cheery face for the world to see... suffering alone in silence. Pretending that the abuse never existed... pushing it far, far, far away. Too painful to face and accept the reality of our hidden truths. Sorta feels like a tug-of-war happening inside.

Just giving a voice to my thoughts... :type:

[mvir9]

Thanks for the words of encouragment. (mvir9 & Morrigan) :)


There are times. it feels like I'm just holding on to a tiny thread... but, I still keep holding on!!! I keep trying to remind myself that things will eventually, get better. The process is slooow and difficult.

It feels so much easier to simply run & hide from the pain and memories of my childhood. Putting on a brave cheery face for the world to see... suffering alone in silence. Pretending that the abuse never existed... pushing it far, far, far away. Too painful to face and accept the reality of our hidden truths. Sorta feels like a tug-of-war happening inside.

Just giving a voice to my thoughts... :type:

And an excellent job you did giving expression to the turmoil that you (and most of us) experience!

You are right on about the process being slow and difficult. We are saddled with the responsibility (to ourselves) of fighting through this thing, but my oh my can it be tiring. I say "saddled" because it was put upon us -- we sure as HELL didn't ask for it. I have made some pretty bad decisions in my life, and I don't mind having to take the time and energy to rectify those situations. But THIS -- I didn't ask for, so I often feel bitter that I am stuck dealing with the consequences of it. Regardless of my bitterness, I know I have to work through it to the best of my ability, otherwise I will be the one that continues to suffer. Besides, I really don't want to give up on my happiness because of what my abusers did . . . (yes "abusers" is meant to be plural) -- if I gave up my happiness for them, I would be giving them power over the rest of my life. There is NO way I will let that happen. So, I continue fighting.

[Morrigan]

mvir9, you nailed it! :highfive: Such an inspirational post. Thank you!



And an excellent job you did giving expression to the turmoil that you (and most of us) experience!

You are right on about the process being slow and difficult. We are saddled with the responsibility (to ourselves) of fighting through this thing, but my oh my can it be tiring. I say "saddled" because it was put upon us -- we sure as HELL didn't ask for it. I have made some pretty bad decisions in my life, and I don't mind having to take the time and energy to rectify those situations. But THIS -- I didn't ask for, so I often feel bitter that I am stuck dealing with the consequences of it. Regardless of my bitterness, I know I have to work through it to the best of my ability, otherwise I will be the one that continues to suffer. Besides, I really don't want to give up on my happiness because of what my abusers did . . . (yes "abusers" is meant to be plural) -- if I gave up my happiness for them, I would be giving them power over the rest of my life. There is NO way I will let that happen. So, I continue fighting.

[delilya]

Thank you all for your encouragement. :grouphug:

[mvir9]

mvir9, you nailed it! :highfive: Such an inspirational post. Thank you!

Thanks Morrigan . . . :)

[mvir9]

Thank you all for your encouragement. :grouphug:

Anytime, delilya.

If you ever need to PM me, you know where I am. ;)

[delilya]

Anytime, delilya.

If you ever need to PM me, you know where I am. ;)

Thank you. I wrote a bunch of that out earlier. Even posted it, but had to come back and delete. It just sounds so..unreal....

Plus I can say, it really bothers me that there have been over 700 views of this thread.It makes me feel like a bug under a microscope.

[Twinkles]

Thank you all for your encouragement. :grouphug:

delilya,

I read your previous post. It took a great deal of courage for you to step forward in sharing those painful & traumatic experiences that you were forced to endure. It's totally okay to share at your own pace... what you feel ready and comfortable with. Using the edit / delete function for posts in this thread is perfectly understandable, and accepted here. Sometimes, it just helps to get your thoughts & feelings out... instead of, allowing stuff to remain bottled up and stirred inside.

I want you to know... I believe you!!! I'm sorry that there were people who turned their backs upon you, when you needed them the most. I wish you could have been protected against experiencing those abuses.

You are not shameful... nor, are you responsible for those horrible abusive acts that were committed against you. You did nothing wrong... you did NOT deserve to be hurt and abused!!! Truthfully, the blame should solely rest with your abusers, and the people who failed to protect & keep you safe.

I appreciate your sharing... you are NOT alone.

((( Big Hugs! ))) :hugs:

[Twinkles]

Thank you. I wrote a bunch of that out earlier. Even posted it, but had to come back and delete. It just sounds so..unreal....

Plus I can say, it really bothers me that there have been over 700 views of this thread. It makes me feel like a bug under a microscope.

Actually, it kinda feels the same way in therapy too. lol I hate talking about stuff... it's sooo dang tough!

I wish the abusers could be the bugs that are placed under a microscope. Creepy nasty bugs that need stomping out!!!

ETA:

Doesn't it suck, that we were victimized in the worst of ways, and forced to endure so much pain. Yet still, many of us are stuck with feeling the utmost fear, shame & guilt in revealing what's been wrongfully done unto us.

[mvir9]

Thank you. I wrote a bunch of that out earlier. Even posted it, but had to come back and delete. It just sounds so..unreal....

Plus I can say, it really bothers me that there have been over 700 views of this thread.It makes me feel like a bug under a microscope.

Oh, I completely understand! As Twinkles has pointed out, there is no amount of force in any of this. If you only feel comfortable posting "yep, I agree with that" or something similarly vague -- we are simply happy that you know we are here if you need us. The last thing any of us would do would be to ask too much of you. I assume that many of the readers of this thread have been abused but are unable to post anything at all; but, maybe by reading some of the other stories and hearing that there IS hope they will find some solace.

We may have all experienced something similar, but we are all very different in how we approach the pain and how we try to move forward. Some people are still trying to figure out HOW to move forward. Maybe one of the stories here will help them find the path to happiness. . . .I certainly hope so!

[mvir9]

I want you to know... I believe you!!! I'm sorry that there were people who turned their backs upon you, when you needed them the most. I wish you could have been protected against experiencing those abuses.

You are not shameful... nor, are you responsible for those horrible abusive acts that were committed against you. You did nothing wrong... you did NOT deserve to be hurt and abused!!! Truthfully, the blame should solely rest with your abusers, and the people who failed to protect & keep you safe.

I appreciate your sharing... you are NOT alone.

((( Big Hugs! ))) :hugs:


This was worth repeating. Very well stated, Twinkles.

[Twinkles]

This was worth repeating. Very well stated, Twinkles.

Thanks mvir9 :)

I have really found your words of advice & encouragment very helpful, as well!

[PGRIFF]

closure is something that will happen when I die. I am a loving caring mother, that lives with all of my past. Some say it's baggage ..OK ..say what you want. I am a good person -friend-parent-spouse-worker-artist- my history has made me the person I am today. somehow way back then I learned to survive. The toddler the little girl put the remembrances in a place where dreams (good and bad) were kept to be looked at later. I like many of you have talked to a therapist as an adult and found it helpful, I write things down sometimes and tear it up soon after. For me it's not about telling it's about protecting - that little girl that's part of who I am.

[astromynx]

closure is something that will happen when I die. I am a loving caring mother, that lives with all of my past. Some say it's baggage ..OK ..say what you want. I am a good person -friend-parent-spouse-worker-artist- my history has made me the person I am today. somehow way back then I learned to survive. The toddler the little girl put the remembrances in a place where dreams (good and bad) were kept to be looked at later. I like many of you have talked to a therapist as an adult and found it helpful, I write things down sometimes and tear it up soon after. For me it's not about telling it's about protecting - that little girl that's part of who I am.

I agree with everything you said here.

I have several times and will most likely again in the future tell my tale to someone that needs to hear it, but it's not a story I feel compelled to tell for my own well-being.

I do wish, at times, that I could scoop up that little girl that had to learn the art of deception and lies, the little girl that had to be an actress, the one that learned to be stone cold with her emotions, and give her the childhood she should have had- the one I'm making sure my little girl has now.

[TAWANDA]

PGRIFF I can relate to what you're saying--I am so sorry about your childhood and I completely agree with your closure statement


astromynx I'm sorry for the things that happened to you too. There's one thing about this thread though is that it gives us a place to say how we feel. Most of the adult days we have, there is no appropriate place to share these kinds of experiences when WE need to discuss them.

I went back and deleted my poem. Like many have said this thread has a lot of views but not many are talking and this isn't the kind of exposure that I want people to remember me by. I've tried to live my life to where I had no major regrets.......sure I've done some things that were wrong, but there's nothing I've done that a simple I'm sorry wouldn't fix. I know I haven't permanently damaged anyone's life nor have I done anything near what was done to me. I've moved beyond that and I don't think like a victim anymore.

I do experience a lot of sadness though nearing the anniversary of my brother's death and birthday. Those feelings are hard to mask and I generally avoid other people during this time because no one should have to experience this sadness. It has been a lonely road without him....so many things we could have shared in life that were taken from us.

Just the other day I listened to a Josh Groban song called the FEBRUARY song.....I'd never heard it before but it really says all that I feel that I would like to say to him right now. If anyone gets to listen to it........let me know what you think. I'd love to know the history and reason for this song and who wrote it.

[delilya]

I've never been able to write or talk much about it. Just my burden to bear, you know?

However there is a Santana song that speaks to me:

SANTANA LYRICS

"Put Your Lights On"
(feat. Everlast)

Hey now, all you sinners
Put your lights on, put your lights on
Hey now, all you lovers
Put your lights on, put your lights on

Hey now, all you killers
Put your lights on, put your lights on
Hey now, all you children
Leave your lights on, you better leave your lights on

Cause there's a monster living under my bed
Whispering in my ear
There's an angel, with a hand on my head
She say I've got nothing to fear

There's a darkness living deep in my soul
I still got a purpose to serve
So let your light shine, deep into my home
God, don't let me lose my nerve
Lose my nerve

Hey now, hey now, hey now, hey now
Wo oh hey now, hey now, hey now, hey now

Hey now, all you sinners
Put your lights on, put your lights on
Hey now, all you children
Leave your lights on, you better leave your lights on

Because there's a monster living under my bed
Whispering in my ear
There's an angel, with a hand on my head
She say's I've got nothing to fear

La illaha illa Allah
We all shine like stars
La illaha illa Allah
We all shine like stars
Then we fade away

[Twinkles]

Here is a song, that pretty much relates to my life with all its' painful struggles and losses. Slowly working towards trusting others, and also, learning to have faith & trust in myself.


Believe Lyrics -- by Savatage


So after all these one night stands
You've ended up with heart in hand
A child alone
On your own
Retreating
Regretful for the things you're not
And all dreams you haven't got
Without a home
A heart of stone
Lies bleeding

And for all the roads you followed
And for all you did not find
And for all the things you had to leave behind

I am the way
I am the light
I am the dark inside the night
I hear your hopes
I feel your dreams
And in the dark
I hear your screams
Don't turn away
Just take my hand
And when you make your final stand
I'll be right there
I'll never leave
All I ask of you is
Believe

Your childhood eyes were so intense
While bartering your innocence
For bits of string
Grown-up wings
You needed

But when you had to add them up
You found that they were not enough
To get you in
Pay for sins repeated

And for all the years you borrowed
And for all the tears you cried
And for all the fears you had to keep inside

I am the way
I am the light
I am the dark inside the night
I hear your hopes
I feel your dreams
And in the dark
I hear your screams

Don't turn away
Just take my hand
And when you make your final stand
I'll be right there
I'll never leave
And all I ask of you is
Believe

I never wanted to know
Never wanted to see
I wasted my time
Till time wasted me
Never wanted to go
Always wanted to stay
'Cause the person I am
Are the parts that I play
So I plot and I plan
Hope and I scheme
To the lure of a night
Filled with unfinished dreams
And I'm holding on tight
To a world gone astray
As they charge me for years
I can't pay

I am the way
I am the light
I am the dark inside the night
I hear your hopes
I feel your dreams
And in the dark
I hear your screams
Don't turn away
Just take my hand
And when you make your final stand
I'll be right there
I'll never leave
And all I ask of you is
Believe

Believe........

[sweepluvr]

That no matter what it still haunts you to this day (I am in my late forties) and it makes you who you are today. Thing is though it makes you stronger but you still have the low self esteem and other issues.

I was molested by my real dad and pyshcially and mentally abused. And the relationship with men I was abused.

I had to take time out for myself and now twenty years later I haven't been with anyone.

I have reasons but at the same time I do want someone in my life. But that is another story.

Thing is some peeps don't understand about this because they haven't had this in there life but it is hard just to ignore what happened to you it is something that will haunt you forever.

Pam.

[astromynx]

That no matter what it still haunts you to this day (I am in my late forties) and it makes you who you are today. Thing is though it makes you stronger but you still have the low self esteem and other issues.

I was molested by my real dad and pyshcially and mentally abused. And the relationship with men I was abused.

I had to take time out for myself and now twenty years later I haven't been with anyone.

I have reasons but at the same time I do want someone in my life. But that is another story.

Thing is some peeps don't understand about this because they haven't had this in there life but it is hard just to ignore what happened to you it is something that will haunt you forever.

Pam.


Hi Pam.

I also have had issues with adult relationships. I fall in love wayyy to easily. I don't take into account what normal women would notice right away. I'll be honest and admit that I am one of those women that need a man in my life to feel complete. I wish I weren't, but at least I've finally figured that out about myself.

I got married pretty young at the age of 19 to the first guy I ever kissed, much less did anything else with. We had dated for three years before getting married. He was a good guy. He got a job working 3rd shift and I was working 2nd shift. We saw each other about 15 minutes a day during the week. We spent some time together on the weekends, but it was usually with his friends and me as a tag-along.
I messed it up when I cheated on him with the next guy that gave me serious attention when I was 22. I got involved with partying in nightclubs, drinking, and smoking pot....and a good-looking bartender.
I broke my husband's heart, and he divorced me after begging and pleading with me to stop what I was doing and he'd act like it never happened. That was 12 years ago, but I still cringe when I remember how bad I hurt him. I have apologized several times, and he did forgive me. Thankfully, he married a good woman and is very happy.

From there, I married a man that was an alcoholic and had two children with him. Call me Fertile Myrtle because I was on the pill both times I got pregnant! I can't even begin to type all the horrible things he did to me because there's not room here. It took me 7 years of being mentally and physically torn apart to get out. I was and still to this day am terrified of him.

I guess I didn't learn from that. I found a man that didn't drink at all. I thought he would be the perfect answer to my previous husband. We lived together for 2 years. He was great for a few months, then he became mentally abusive, as well. He was just straight up crazy. In hindsight, I can laugh at how enraged he would become at the most trivial situation, but sure wasn't funny then. He was obsessed with a fear that I would cheat on him. I tried telling him that I had already learned my lesson on that, but he didn't listen. That one was hard to get out of, too.

I guess I just got incredibly lucky this time around. I got married for the third time about a year and a half ago to a wonderful man. I am taking all the lessons I learned from the previous relationships and making sure I don't do anything stupid again. This man loves me and my kids with all of his heart. I seriously struggled with fears that I didn't deserve him, but was able to convince myself otherwise. Every day, I make sure to work at keeping my marriage healthy.

I so understand why you would stay away from relationships, but I just wanted to let you know that there really are some great men out there. I know because FINALLY found one of them.

[astromynx]

The Shattering

I take a deep, ragged breath
And close my weary eyes
As my racing mind churns
And tries to maintain my fragile disguise.
This protective shell it so long ago created
To hide myself from life's cruel face
Is cracking into a myriad of jagged pieces
That each fall into an unfamiliar place.
I grasp for a well-worn hold
But instantly am repelled by its feel.
My hands no longer correctly fit
Into the grooves I've carved in steel.
For a moment the world churns
And I fear I am falling fast,
But a steadying force takes over
And the heady sensation has passed.
I slowly lift my heavy lids
And observe the newly-laid terrain.
I let out a shocked cry
At the changes that are so plain.
All around where I thought chaos would be
Is a new and gleaming place.
The beauty and brightness of it all
Makes a smile spread across my face.
I carefully turn my thought inward
And realize that my thick, protective wall
Has fallen victim to the onslaught-
Crumbled once and for all.
To this new nad exciting world
I find myself standing totally bare.
I am without my comfortable trapping,
But I find I no longer care.
I feel like a butterfly emerging from a cocoon
And unfurling for the first time it's wings.
Standing on the edge of a new journey,
I leave behind my old ways and things.
So, this is what I bring to you now-
Myself stripped thoroughly and completely clean.
But its the real me for you to examine
As no one before has ever seen.

[tracyb107]

I am glad this thread is here and hope one day i will feel safe enough to post.

[Twinkles]

The Shattering

I take a deep, ragged breath
And close my weary eyes
As my racing mind churns
And tries to maintain my fragile disguise.
This protective shell it so long ago created
To hide myself from life's cruel face
Is cracking into a myriad of jagged pieces
That each fall into an unfamiliar place.
I grasp for a well-worn hold
But instantly am repelled by its feel.
My hands no longer correctly fit
Into the grooves I've carved in steel.
For a moment the world churns
And I fear I am falling fast,
But a steadying force takes over
And the heady sensation has passed.
I slowly lift my heavy lids
And observe the newly-laid terrain.
I let out a shocked cry
At the changes that are so plain.
All around where I thought chaos would be
Is a new and gleaming place.
The beauty and brightness of it all
Makes a smile spread across my face.
I carefully turn my thought inward
And realize that my thick, protective wall
Has fallen victim to the onslaught-
Crumbled once and for all.
To this new and exciting world
I find myself standing totally bare.
I am without my comfortable trapping,
But I find I no longer care.
I feel like a butterfly emerging from a cocoon
And unfurling for the first time it's wings.
Standing on the edge of a new journey,
I leave behind my old ways and things.
So, this is what I bring to you now-
Myself stripped thoroughly and completely clean.
But its the real me for you to examine
As no one before has ever seen.

astromynx,

I love this poem... it's great! It really sounds so beautiful, hopeful, and inspiring. Sorta like an awakening, or rebirth of your inner spirit. :) Exposing your vulnerability and venturing to trust enough, so that, others might see your "inner strengths" that have helped you to survive the past.

At least, that's my interpretation.

You are truly creative with words.

[Twinkles]

I am glad this thread is here and hope one day i will feel safe enough to post.

:grouphug:

[gemini lion]

One thing that bothers me is that there were adults in my life, grandparents, Aunts, etc. who knew what was happening and never reached out to us.

My mother had to have brain surgery when I was around 13. We were left in the care of my father, an abusive alcoholic if there ever was one.

There was a family that lived in the bldg. next door to us and I was friendly with thier daughter. They found out about my mom and let me stay at thier house. They fed me, brought me clothes, took really good care of me.

For the first time in my life I felt cared for. They were wonderful people and I will always be grateful for thier help.

However, after about 2 weeks of staying with them my father finally realized that I wasn't around. He called these people and I could see the dad's face and I knew something was wrong.

After he hung up he just looked at me and said "that was your dad and he wants you to go home" I later found out my dad said some very derogatory comments to this man about his being Jewish.

Yes, they should have said something to my dad but everyone was afraid of him and he was mostly drinking and not really one to talk to anyone.

I was terrified. I knew what awaited me on the other side of the door but what was I to do? I had nowhere to go. I was pretty much used to the beatings but of course wasn't looking forward to it.

He laced into me like a madman. He beat me and threw me around like a ragdoll. He noticed that I was wearing nail polish and told me to "get it off". I told him that I had no remover or anything and he said he didn't care.

He came out of his room every five minutes or so to see if I had the polish off. I did the only thing I could think of and got a razor blade to chip it off.

My father always looked at me with disgust and hate.

Anyway, I don't understand nor will I ever why my grandparents or anyone couldn't have called to see that we were ok knowing what the situation was.

This is nothing compared to what me and my brother went through since we were born. I feel that all of the adults in our life failed us. I never thought about it until I got older and I am not sure what I would have expected them to do.

Our family was like the big pink elephant in the living room that no one sees. It was never acknowledged at all.

[astromynx]

gemini lion, I told my mother what was happening to me when I was twelve. All I got was being told I was a liar. She believes me now. She says I never told her.

[TAWANDA]

I'm sorry for all of you who endured abuse. I'm glad that we're all out of that stuff now but like another person said (i've forgotten who)......this stuff tends to drag on and on because it becomes who we are. Some people can shrug their shoulders and be done with situations but when things happen to you as a child, the things that happen seem to become who you are--many times I have felt like damaged goods because of what happened--like I would never be normal

But now in my 40's, I see that no one is "normal" & there really isn't a definition for that anyway. I can completely understand and relate to many of your stories. There is no reason for these things to happen to children.....but they do and with support from each other, we can all work through it and become better.

Thanks again for this group.

[gemini lion]

gemini lion, I told my mother what was happening to me when I was twelve. All I got was being told I was a liar. She believes me now. She says I never told her.


My mom was in deep denial for years. I would tell her stuff when I was an adult and she would say "I didn't know that".

It drove me nuts and angered me but I know it was her guilt. I think she felt trapped at the time and it was just easier to pretend she didn't know. It's impossible that she didn't know.

She would also leave us alone with him to go bowling, etc. and those were the absolute worst times.

I suffer from PTSD, which I am sure a number of you do. Anything can trigger it. The sound of keys will sometimes send me over the edge. My dad had a keyring loaded with keys and I could here him coming and I would immediately tense up and get into defense mode.

I would be as quiet and invisible as I could possibly be but of course he knew I was there somewhere.

I remember being home from school sick and he came home from work early. I was terrified so I hid behind the big tv in the living room. I could hear him drinking and talking to himself and I don't know how long I was there.

I finally coughed or something and he got scared crapless...he sat me down at the table and reminded me of what a loser I was, etc. At least all he did was talk that time.

Living with an abusive parent teaches you many things. You have to be hyper vigilant, you learn to read people really well.

Hugs to all.

[delilya]

I appreciate all the postings. I am heart broken to be able to identify in so many ways with your stories. None of us should have had to endure it.

I despise the part of me, both physical and mental that always held me back. I can't make decisions. Even the smallest can throw me into a panic attack at times. I just know it will be the wrong one.

I will tell you this though, my children never had to worry about being hurt, nor did they lack for all the love my heart could give them. More than anything I wanted them to know that they were loved. They were not spanked. I worried that if I ever did, I would turn into my parents.

I am a recluse and have been for several years. I don't do well around people, and crowds are totally out of the question. It's okay by me because I feel way safer inside than I do out. There is nothing out there for me.

I try not to face reality. I spend my time either in books (my passion), movies, video games, the internet. Anything to keep my mind alert without having to face the past, the present, the future.

Something that did help with some healing, I took care of the uncle and grandfather that molested me, in their dying days. It was not easy to do, but I was able to treat them with more dignity than they ever gave me. I did it for my darling Granny Doll. My Grandmother and I were together for 9 years before she passed and I would have done anything for her.

[laurenk503]

I appreciate all the postings. I am heart broken to be able to identify in so many ways with your stories. None of us should have had to endure it.

I despise the part of me, both physical and mental that always held me back. I can't make decisions. Even the smallest can throw me into a panic attack at times. I just know it will be the wrong one.

I will tell you this though, my children never had to worry about being hurt, nor did they lack for all the love my heart could give them. More than anything I wanted them to know that they were loved. They were not spanked. I worried that if I ever did, I would turn into my parents.

I am a recluse and have been for several years. I don't do well around people, and crowds are totally out of the question. It's okay by me because I feel way safer inside than I do out. There is nothing out there for me.

I try not to face reality. I spend my time either in books (my passion), movies, video games, the internet. Anything to keep my mind alert without having to face the past, the present, the future.
Something that did help with some healing, I took care of the uncle and grandfather that molested me, in their dying days. It was not easy to do, but I was able to treat them with more dignity than they ever gave me. I did it for my darling Granny Doll. My Grandmother and I were together for 9 years before she passed and I would have done anything for her.

First of all HUGS to you and everyone else here that has gone thru any type of abuse. I really related to what you said in the bold part. I feel the same way. I have been abused in the past by my mother and my ex. My family picks on me and I just laugh it off. I go to work, I go to my son's games but really other than that hibernate in my house and do exactly like you. I almost can't focus anymore. I went back to school and that helped but even with that I kind of keep to myself and I am losing focus. I don't want to think too much. My mother is an alcoholic and she neglected my sister and I. She always chose alcohol over us and refused help. She moved to my Town and tried to get close with me again (after her husband passed away). I tried but her drinking triggers so much anger and pain in me that it isn't healthy - I still tried.

She just inherited a large amount of money and asked me to go to the bank with her to deposit it. She was drinking. I told her it wasn't healthy for me to be aruond her like that. She said she will drink till oblivion if she wants to - told ME she would never forgive me and hasn't called me in two weeks.

EVERYONE I get close to hurts me like that - so I choose to just stay in and do my own thing. Read, bury myself in school, sweep, etc. I can't face the world. I feel like it's passing me by though and it depresses me but at least I'm safe.

I just started prozac yesterday so maybe it will help.

We just have to take it a day at a time, break the cycle and do better for our own lives and those of our children (if we have them). I will do better for my son and I do.

Kudos to you for being able to take care of those people that hurt you so much. I don't know how you did it but I hope it was healing to your soul. It proves how strong you are and what a survivor you are too!

This thread is great!!!

[TAWANDA]

First of all HUGS to you and everyone else here that has gone thru any type of abuse. I really related to what you said in the bold part. I feel the same way. I have been abused in the past by my mother and my ex. My family picks on me and I just laugh it off. I go to work, I go to my son's games but really other than that hibernate in my house and do exactly like you. I almost can't focus anymore. I went back to school and that helped but even with that I kind of keep to myself and I am losing focus. I don't want to think too much. My mother is an alcoholic and she neglected my sister and I. She always chose alcohol over us and refused help. She moved to my Town and tried to get close with me again (after her husband passed away). I tried but her drinking triggers so much anger and pain in me that it isn't healthy - I still tried.

She just inherited a large amount of money and asked me to go to the bank with her to deposit it. She was drinking. I told her it wasn't healthy for me to be aruond her like that. She said she will drink till oblivion if she wants to - told ME she would never forgive me and hasn't called me in two weeks.

EVERYONE I get close to hurts me like that - so I choose to just stay in and do my own thing. Read, bury myself in school, sweep, etc. I can't face the world. I feel like it's passing me by though and it depresses me but at least I'm safe.

I just started prozac yesterday so maybe it will help.

We just have to take it a day at a time, break the cycle and do better for our own lives and those of our children (if we have them). I will do better for my son and I do.

Kudos to you for being able to take care of those people that hurt you so much. I don't know how you did it but I hope it was healing to your soul. It proves how strong you are and what a survivor you are too!

This thread is great!!!


LOL, are you sure we don't share the same mother? Actually though, mine has finally stopped her drinking about fifteen years ago and this past year she has taken to religion of some sort just after her sister passed away. Seriously though, even without the alcohol, there is so much drama that I could do without. Bless your heart for having gone through so much. If you're like me there is still this deep longing for the mother that will never come to pass, for the childhood that is lost and for hope that she will finally say she's sorry and turn from the way she is. Sadly though, for most of us, this is the happy ending-almost-fairy tale ending, that we will never know in this life. I feel your pain and am sending hugs.

[Twinkles]

I despise the part of me, both physical and mental that always held me back. I can't make decisions. Even the smallest can throw me into a panic attack at times. I just know it will be the wrong one.

Gosh, I can totally relate to this particular paragraph.

I have the greatest difficulty in making the simplest of decisions... often, it feels so very overwhelming. I'm forever doubting myself and always second-guessing every single thing!! It's like, I'm terrified of making the wrong decisions. I worry that people won't like me, or that I will be punished in some horrible way for my mistakes & failures. Somehow, I've gotta be perfect... I can't let others see my weaknesses.

I also, have an extremely difficult time in believing any positive and good things people say about me. It's so hard fighting against all those old negative & damaging messages, from a long time ago. I want to believe... but, I'm so afraid of believing. It's all so frustrating & tiresome. :goofy3:

[laurenk503]

Gosh, I can totally relate to this particular paragraph.

I have the greatest difficulty in making the simplest of decisions... often, it feels so very overwhelming. I'm forever doubting myself and always second-guessing every single thing!! It's like, I'm terrified of making the wrong decisions. I worry that people won't like me, or that I will be punished in some horrible way for my mistakes & failures. Somehow, I've gotta be perfect... I can't let others see my weaknesses.

I also, have an extremely difficult time in believing any positive and good things people say about me. It's so hard fighting against all those old negative & damaging messages, from a long time ago. I want to believe... but, I'm so afraid of believing. It's all so frustrating & tiresome. :goofy3:

Wow!! Same here!!! I actually have anxiety attacks in stores, etc. because of this and sometimes leave with nothing because I can't make simple decisions!!!

I just went to Costco today and was there HOURS because I kept putting things back and then getting them again. I spent WAY too much money and know I am sick. This is why I can't make decisions.

I also don't believe anyone who compliments me. I always think "what do they want?" or "Why are they lying?".

I also portray myself as this strong, independent women when inside I'm frightened!!! I stink as a friend and the guilt is horrible. I will keep in touch with friends and then hibernate again and avoid phone calls. I don't mean it but I can't help it! It gets overwhelming. I never wanted to take medications and the only thing that worked was a medication that was addicting so I can't take it. My dr. just prescribed prozac so hopefully it will help.

Hugs to you!!! I hope we all can get support and understanding in this thread - it at least helps a little!

[PGRIFF]

I make lists grocery list - need to do punch list- this day -this week -this month - I keep a calender on the wall by the kitchen door and one in my purse, but I still miss deadlines - I don't get angry at myself I just don't think about it. when I have an anxiety episode I get in the car and drive -and drive -and drive. thank goodness DH got me a gas credit card. and if I can't drive I usually cry.

[Twinkles]

Wow!! Same here!!! I actually have anxiety attacks in stores, etc. because of this and sometimes leave with nothing because I can't make simple decisions!!!


No Kidding... I'm so exactly the same way!!!! I swear to god, I nearly go insane tryig to make decisions on what to buy. It's like, I sorta get "lost" inside myself trying to make the right choices. Things have to be the right color, no flaws, etc. I literally, can lose track of time and my surroundings... cuz, I'm so fixated on trying to make a silly simple decision. lol :goofy3:


I also don't believe anyone who compliments me. I always think "what do they want?" or "Why are they lying?".


Yep, yep, yep!!!

We're sorta working on this issue in therapy. My counselor, will say: "if, I have to keep repeating "XYZ" to you, a million times, until, you BELIEVE it... then, I will do that!!!" lol My response to her... then, we're gonna be here a looong time!!!!


I also portray myself as this strong, independent women when inside I'm frightened!!! I stink as a friend and the guilt is horrible. I will keep in touch with friends and then hibernate again and avoid phone calls. I don't mean it but I can't help it! It gets overwhelming.


Unfortunately, I'm the same way. Often, I find myself making excuses to cover-up & hide how badly I may be feeling. I do alot of hibernating & retreating, too. Most people have no clue about the extent of my struggles... sometimes, I feel like such a fake. :frown3:


Hugs to you!!! I hope we all can get support and understanding in this thread - it at least helps a little!


Hugs back at'cha! :hugs:

As difficult, as it was for me to start this thread + (all the second-guessing)... I'm hoping, that folks will find it helpful, supportive, and healing in some way.

Honestly, I've been realizing, that, I'm gaining more strength, courage, and insight through the posts you all have shared!!! Thanks! :grouphug:

[gemini lion]

I appreciate all the postings. I am heart broken to be able to identify in so many ways with your stories. None of us should have had to endure it.

I despise the part of me, both physical and mental that always held me back. I can't make decisions. Even the smallest can throw me into a panic attack at times. I just know it will be the wrong one.

I will tell you this though, my children never had to worry about being hurt, nor did they lack for all the love my heart could give them. More than anything I wanted them to know that they were loved. They were not spanked. I worried that if I ever did, I would turn into my parents.

I am a recluse and have been for several years. I don't do well around people, and crowds are totally out of the question. It's okay by me because I feel way safer inside than I do out. There is nothing out there for me.

I try not to face reality. I spend my time either in books (my passion), movies, video games, the internet. Anything to keep my mind alert without having to face the past, the present, the future.

Something that did help with some healing, I took care of the uncle and grandfather that molested me, in their dying days. It was not easy to do, but I was able to treat them with more dignity than they ever gave me. I did it for my darling Granny Doll. My Grandmother and I were together for 9 years before she passed and I would have done anything for her.

I tend to be very reclusive and it is very hard for me to trust people. As far as facing reality, I have been struggling with drug addiction/alcoholism for a good part of my life.

[laurenk503]

I tend to be very reclusive and it is very hard for me to trust people. As far as facing reality, I have been struggling with drug addiction/alcoholism for a good part of my life.

:hugs: Gemini! If you ever need to talk pm me!

[mvir9]

Something that did help with some healing, I took care of the uncle and grandfather that molested me, in their dying days. It was not easy to do, but I was able to treat them with more dignity than they ever gave me. I did it for my darling Granny Doll. My Grandmother and I were together for 9 years before she passed and I would have done anything for her.

I often wonder how I will react when my abusers are on their death beds. As stupid as it sounds, I don't really wish them dead. However, I know I won't shed a tear.

[astromynx]

...I worry that people won't like me, or that I will be punished in some horrible way for my mistakes & failures. Somehow, I've gotta be perfect... I can't let others see my weaknesses.

I also, have an extremely difficult time in believing any positive and good things people say about me. It's so hard fighting against all those old negative & damaging messages, from a long time ago. I want to believe... but, I'm so afraid of believing. It's all so frustrating & tiresome. :goofy3:

...I also don't believe anyone who compliments me. I always think "what do they want?" or "Why are they lying?".

I also portray myself as this strong, independent women when inside I'm frightened!!! I stink as a friend and the guilt is horrible. I will keep in touch with friends and then hibernate again and avoid phone calls. I don't mean it but I can't help it! It gets overwhelming. I never wanted to take medications and the only thing that worked was a medication that was addicting so I can't take it. My dr. just prescribed prozac so hopefully it will help.

Hugs to you!!! I hope we all can get support and understanding in this thread - it at least helps a little!


I can identify with both of you.

I feel like I have to put on a front that I am perfect. I get worried that someone will see something wrong with the way I look or something I say. An exboyfriend used to mock me by calling me "Little Miss Perfect." I don't have any friends either because I neglect them. I zone into my own little world and never call them. I do like the idea in theory of having friends, but when I make a date to go do something with them, it just seems like an ordeal and I'm usually dreading it before it starts. It takes so much energy.

When a man I don't know compliments me, the first thing that I think is, "What does he want from me?" and I put my guard up. I am actually a fairly good-looking woman. I wish I could embrace that and enjoy it, but I can't. I don't make eye-contact with most people because I don't want to interact with them. My husband will tell me I'm pretty all the time, and I am working on just saying "Thank you" without looking down or raising my eyebrows at him. I know he honestly thinks I am pretty, smart, and funny. It makes me feel like a fraud.

It's so crazy for me to want to appear to be perfect, but not want anyone to compliment me...ugh.

I have issues with making decisions, too, but I have a bigger problem with change. I worked at the same job for nine years even though I was miserable there. I was scared to get a different job. Last year, I got married and moved. I haven't gotten another one, in part, because I'm scared to. That's not the main reason, but it is there. My husband tells me that I don't have to get a job if I don't want, but I do feel a little guilty that I stay home all day while he's at work and the kids are at school.

[mvir9]

I have the greatest difficulty in making the simplest of decisions... often, it feels so very overwhelming. I'm forever doubting myself and always second-guessing every single thing!! It's like, I'm terrified of making the wrong decisions. I worry that people won't like me, or that I will be punished in some horrible way for my mistakes & failures. Somehow, I've gotta be perfect... I can't let others see my weaknesses.

I tend to be very reclusive and it is very hard for me to trust people.

I've taken the extreme opposite position in decision-making. I have found that I MUST feel like I have control in whatever situation I am in. However, I wasn't this way for a long time. Often depressed, I cut myself (never to kill myself -- but I, regretfully, have 33 scars as reminders). When I decided to go to college, I retrained my way of thinking (yep, it took years . . . and I still work on it even now). So, when I need to make a decision, I have an entirely new value-base to judge from. In the end, I have discovered, this ability to decide gives me an enormous feeling of control over my life -- which was blatantly missing from my childhood.

On the other hand, like many of you, I am a recluse. I can "fake it" pretty well in a crowd, but it is hard for me to explain how stressed out I get. The muscles in the back of my neck knot up, my jaw locks from clenching it, and I usually end up with a migraine. I am much happier at home, doing my "geek" thing. Actually, I proudly announce to anyone and everyone that I am a Happy Hermit. ;)

[mvir9]

I should mention that my need to be decisive is sometimes NOT a good thing. Most people think that I am a conceited B**ch because of it. Ah well, I would rather be considered a conceited B**ch than to go back to the despair I lived with before.

And, of course, this isn't to say that I don't have times where my confidence sling-shots back toward the negative range. It is strange, but every few months (almost on a cyclical basis), I have "bouts" where I start believing that my entire world is a facade, and that nothing will ever be right. I HATE THESE TIMES! It takes a few days, but I always pull myself out of it. It is so common that I am able to tell myself during these points: "You've been here before, this to shall pass."

I also remember one of the most powerful lines I have ever read in my life -- from Ayn Rand's Atlas Shrugged -- The heroine, who was often blindly persecuted for being successful and intelligent crashes her plane in a utopia of sorts. She looks up into the eyes of the hero and says something like, "It never had to hurt, did it?" The first time I read it, I set the book down and cried.

[delilya]

I had no idea there were others out there that would understand. Bless you all.

[gemini lion]

:hugs: Gemini! If you ever need to talk pm me!

Thank you, same goes for you sweety.

[delilya]

Anyone else afraid of the dark? I live in dimness. Don't like glaring, over head lighting. I have it in the bathroon and kitchen, but the rest of the rooms have muted lamp light.

However... I can't be in the dark. I have to be able to see everything around me, at any given moment, especially when waking up.

Any time we have even the smallest amount of rain, I am waiting with candles around me and the lighter ready to flick. If the lights go out, I am up till they come back on. After all can't leave the candles burning while sleeping....

Nothing in my face either. That was a rough one when the kids were growing up. I don't wear anything that comes around my neck. I buy mens t-shirts so that the collar isn't so high on me. Turtle necks are out of the question. No choker chains, no scarves, nothing that covers my neck or face.

How about you? Does it bother you too?

[mvir9]

Anyone else afraid of the dark? I live in dimness. Don't like glaring, over head lighting. I have it in the bathroon and kitchen, but the rest of the rooms have muted lamp light.

However... I can't be in the dark. I have to be able to see everything around me, at any given moment, especially when waking up.

Any time we have even the smallest amount of rain, I am waiting with candles around me and the lighter ready to flick. If the lights go out, I am up till they come back on. After all can't leave the candles burning while sleeping....

Nothing in my face either. That was a rough one when the kids were growing up. I don't wear anything that comes around my neck. I buy mens t-shirts so that the collar isn't so high on me. Turtle necks are out of the question. No choker chains, no scarves, nothing that covers my neck or face.

How about you? Does it bother you too?

No, that isn't a problem for me, but I've heard of other people that have the same problem.

One of my biggest problems is having something in a TV show or a movie remind me of the past -- it's hard to explain, but I get very angry and sick to my stomach when this happens. Regretfully, it is hard to predict when a show will remind me of my past -- it could be a song, or a situation, whatever.

[laurenk503]

Anyone else afraid of the dark? I live in dimness. Don't like glaring, over head lighting. I have it in the bathroon and kitchen, but the rest of the rooms have muted lamp light.

However... I can't be in the dark. I have to be able to see everything around me, at any given moment, especially when waking up.

Any time we have even the smallest amount of rain, I am waiting with candles around me and the lighter ready to flick. If the lights go out, I am up till they come back on. After all can't leave the candles burning while sleeping....

Nothing in my face either. That was a rough one when the kids were growing up. I don't wear anything that comes around my neck. I buy mens t-shirts so that the collar isn't so high on me. Turtle necks are out of the question. No choker chains, no scarves, nothing that covers my neck or face.

How about you? Does it bother you too?

That is so wierd!! I have to have a dim light on and the thing around the neck - wow! What causes that? I feel the same way. I need to wear cotton, no wool, no turtlenecks - I just thought it was a wierd thing with me. I have to wear my bangs to the side and CANNOT have long bangs that cover my eyes - irks the heck out of me!!!

Wow, It helps so much to know I am not a wierdo and other people go thru this. I never related it to anything I have gone thru but makes me think.

[laurenk503]

No, that isn't a problem for me, but I've heard of other people that have the same problem.

One of my biggest problems is having something in a TV show or a movie remind me of the past -- it's hard to explain, but I get very angry and sick to my stomach when this happens. Regretfully, it is hard to predict when a show will remind me of my past -- it could be a song, or a situation, whatever.

mvir9 - I can relate to this too!!! Especially Lifetime movies. I was physically abused by me ex and it's hard to talk about even now. When I watch anything with abusive husbands like Lifetime movies or talk shows I start to cry my eyes out and feel sick.

I didn't realize how these things affected me until something gets triggered. Wierd.

Hugs to both of you. It really does help to share stories!!! It's like therapy!

[mvir9]

mvir9 - I can relate to this too!!! Especially Lifetime movies. I was physically abused by me ex and it's hard to talk about even now. When I watch anything with abusive husbands like Lifetime movies or talk shows I start to cry my eyes out and feel sick.

I didn't realize how these things affected me until something gets triggered. Wierd.

Hugs to both of you. It really does help to share stories!!! It's like therapy!

You are right about not realizing how these things effect us until something triggers the memories. I don't exactly "bury" my past, but I try to decentralize it in my life as much as possible. Yet, when one of these shows come on, I liken the experience to ramming myself into a brick wall. And, in a strange way, it is like my subconscious reacts before my conscious does. I feel the physical effects, then it all rolls back through my brain. I suppose a body doesn't forget the agony, no matter how healthy we have become mentally. (And, I'm not a dualist by nature . .!).

Hugs back at you -- and everyone else in this thread -- and those who are silently in this thread.

I agree that this is a lot like therapy, but better in my case. I've had bad a couple of bad experiences with actual therapists, which is why I began to do what I could to fix myself (I think I've read every self-help book known to man . . . LOL). Speaking about what happened is cathartic in many ways -- just speaking, with no pressure to answer questions and no pressure to delve into specifics if we don't want to. It is comforting.

[delilya]

That is so wierd!! I have to have a dim light on and the thing around the neck - wow! What causes that? I feel the same way. I need to wear cotton, no wool, no turtlenecks - I just thought it was a wierd thing with me. I have to wear my bangs to the side and CANNOT have long bangs that cover my eyes - irks the heck out of me!!!

Wow, It helps so much to know I am not a wierdo and other people go thru this. I never related it to anything I have gone thru but makes me think.

I've never known for sure either. I only knew that I was the "odd" one. Being here is helping, letting me know that others understand, that I am not alone and not nearly as strange as I always thought I was.

My therapist isn't a lot of help. I go in, he says are you suicidal?, I say yes, he dopes me up till I'm a zombie, and then sends me on my way. Yeah, a lot of help there doc.
We don't talk about anything. Just the same couple of questions, over and over.

I do have mental problems, bi-polar, arrested developement, severe social anxiety, panic attacks, agoraphobia. I often wonder how much of it is left over from my past and how much is just because my brain is wired wrong.

[astromynx]

Anyone else afraid of the dark? ....


Yep...total darkness terrifies me. I just KNOW there's something hiding in it to get me.

Bright lights only bother me because I wear contacts and it gives me a headache.

Oh, and ewww to the turtlenecks. If I try to wear one, I pull at it the whole time and it gets stretched out of shape. lol

[isavegas]

Umm, someone sweet sent me this link. Haven't read it yet besides the first page but wanted to say that I'm in the process of leaving my current abusive situation and am TERRIFIED! :frown7:

Any ladies here that has experience with it are more than welcomed to PM me w advice. :thumbs:

I'm trying to do this quietly, sneakily (and guilt-racked too bec of it) and SAFELY!! Please keep in mind I have barely any resources, no job, car, nor money. I do however have a place to go and need to get there within a week or two somehow.

Special Kudos to all these wonderfully strong and brave survivers. I hope to join your ranks soon for a peaceful home life. :cheer:

[delilya]

Umm, someone sweet sent me this link. Haven't read it yet besides the first page but wanted to say that I'm in the process of leaving my current abusive situation and am TERRIFIED! :frown7:

Any ladies here that has experience with it are more than welcomed to PM me w advice. :thumbs:

I'm trying to do this quietly, sneakily (and guilt-racked too bec of it) and SAFELY!! Please keep in mind I have barely any resources, no job, car, nor money. I do however have a place to go and need to get there within a week or two somehow.

Special Kudos to all these wonderfully strong and brave survivers. I hope to join your ranks soon for a peaceful home life. :cheer:

I will keep you in my thoughts and prayers, that you find your way out safely, and that you find happiness.

Wish I was closer and could come and get you. Take care of you, okay?

[astromynx]

Umm, someone sweet sent me this link. Haven't read it yet besides the first page but wanted to say that I'm in the process of leaving my current abusive situation and am TERRIFIED! :frown7:

Any ladies here that has experience with it are more than welcomed to PM me w advice. :thumbs:

I'm trying to do this quietly, sneakily (and guilt-racked too bec of it) and SAFELY!! Please keep in mind I have barely any resources, no job, car, nor money. I do however have a place to go and need to get there within a week or two somehow.

Special Kudos to all these wonderfully strong and brave survivers. I hope to join your ranks soon for a peaceful home life. :cheer:

I'm sorry this is happening to you. I know how hard it is because I left an abusive husband. I was terrified. I will pray for you that you get out without him knowing what you are doing.

[laurenk503]

Umm, someone sweet sent me this link. Haven't read it yet besides the first page but wanted to say that I'm in the process of leaving my current abusive situation and am TERRIFIED! :frown7:

Any ladies here that has experience with it are more than welcomed to PM me w advice. :thumbs:

I'm trying to do this quietly, sneakily (and guilt-racked too bec of it) and SAFELY!! Please keep in mind I have barely any resources, no job, car, nor money. I do however have a place to go and need to get there within a week or two somehow.

Special Kudos to all these wonderfully strong and brave survivers. I hope to join your ranks soon for a peaceful home life. :cheer:

I PM'd you!

[isavegas]

Goodness, thank you ladies sooo much for prayers and PMs. Being so isolated with no family and very few friends I barely know makes it so much harder. Only lived in TN for two years I think.

Anyways, still catching up with reading here and replying to unexpected supportive PMs. I'm surprised how many folks here have been abused and also many being so sympthetic or understanding here at OLS!

[tinamarina71]

Hi all. Hugs to you all.

I ....am a survivor too.

Nothing can or will be gained by me telling my story but please know that I have healed.

Yes, there are still small scars and always will be. But for the most part, I faced my wounds long ago and made my peace with them.

I also spend my free time trying to do whatever I can to stop predators from hurting one more child.

God Bless you all!

:grouphug:

[isavegas]

I've always heard that there's strenght in numbers. Your not alone here. I can't speak for the entire site, but I trust that can I speak for this group of members. I can promise you that no one here would think of mocking you for expressing your feelings. We would embrace you and except you just the way your are. :hugs:

Ahh, you're in my thoughts and prayers. So are you Twinkles. I'm struggling not to cry as I'm reading this thread.

[PGRIFF]

Yep...total darkness terrifies me. I just KNOW there's something hiding in it to get me.

Bright lights only bother me because I wear contacts and it gives me a headache.

Oh, and ewww to the turtlenecks. If I try to wear one, I pull at it the whole time and it gets stretched out of shape. lol

the dark does not bother me -it's some place else.

[astromynx]

Hi all. Hugs to you all.

I ....am a survivor too.

Nothing can or will be gained by me telling my story but please know that I have healed.

Yes, there are still small scars and always will be. But for the most part, I faced my wounds long ago and made my peace with them.

I also spend my free time trying to do whatever I can to stop predators from hurting one more child.

God Bless you all!

:grouphug:

Hi, tinamarina71. Hugs to you, too. I'm glad to hear that you were able to put your past behind you.

Thank you for protecting the little ones.

[Twinkles]

Ahh, you're in my thoughts and prayers. So are you Twinkles. I'm struggling not to cry as I'm reading this thread.

Thanks isavegas!

You're in my thoughts & prayers, as well. I really applaud you for taking the necessary steps to leave your abusive situation. You deserve to have a life that is free from abuse. A life that is filled with love, peace & happiness!!

Stay safe!!! If, you ever need support & encouragment... we'll be right here for ya!!

((( Big Hugs! ))) :hugs:

P.S.

I enjoy listening to the (autographed) Amy Grant CD, that I bought from ya! I love it! :)

[mvir9]

Umm, someone sweet sent me this link. Haven't read it yet besides the first page but wanted to say that I'm in the process of leaving my current abusive situation and am TERRIFIED! :frown7:

Any ladies here that has experience with it are more than welcomed to PM me w advice. :thumbs:

I'm trying to do this quietly, sneakily (and guilt-racked too bec of it) and SAFELY!! Please keep in mind I have barely any resources, no job, car, nor money. I do however have a place to go and need to get there within a week or two somehow.

Special Kudos to all these wonderfully strong and brave survivers. I hope to join your ranks soon for a peaceful home life. :cheer:


I read this and became quite angry FOR you. You don't deserve this -- you really don't. I applaud your courage -- yes it takes a great deal of courage -- to get out of there.

I wish you all of the best and a future of great happiness.

[mvir9]

Hi all. Hugs to you all.

I ....am a survivor too.

Nothing can or will be gained by me telling my story but please know that I have healed.

Yes, there are still small scars and always will be. But for the most part, I faced my wounds long ago and made my peace with them.

I also spend my free time trying to do whatever I can to stop predators from hurting one more child.

God Bless you all!

:grouphug:


I know how difficult it is to heal from this -- and I think that it is simply wonderful that you have managed to do so! As well, it is wonderful that you have devoted your spare time to stopping the seemingly endless spawn of child predators. They are a disgusting, vile lot that need to be stopped. For those of us who have been there, the reality of this is quite profound. Children deserve to be safe. Period.

[laurenk503]

Okay, I am sitting here crying my eyes out. If I don't make sense please bear with me - I just need to vent because I have noone to talk to.

First of all, this has been the worse day I have had in a loooong time. First of all I go to check on my child support payments to see if there were any online. It says that they have stopped actively pursuing child support because of father's "circumstances". I was dumbfounded because noone contacted me about this! I called and the girl said "yep.. they will keep adding child support but at this time they will not do anything nor pursue it because if the father's circumstances. I ask what circumstances? She said he is protected under Federal law and she can't tell me. WHAT!!!!! I flipped out and said "what about MY circumstances!!" She said she had no other info and I would have to go back to court and find out from them. I don't know who to even talk to!!!!

So, stupid idiot me calls him - yes the abuser. I told him right off I did not want to argue and that I was just wondering what was going on. Will I get child support or not? Is evertying okay with him? Stupid me thought maybe he has medical issues, etc. So he FLIPS out on me and tells me to stop being nosy about his life, talking about the past AND says he is EMBARRASED to have ever gone out with me and that he must have been in a drugged up stupor. I am embarassing. In one moment all the work that I have progressed thru - all the pain I have gotten over came rushing back. I was so HURT! THEN I remembered why I wasn't with him. I should NOT have called. BIG MISTAKE. So now I am not going to get child support - great - and I got verbally abused. That wasn't just it - he called me a whore (I'm far from it - trust me) and all these bad things. Why? Can't he say I'm a good mother? anything?

Then my mother who I was there for even though she was an abusive alcoholic to me growing up and my father raised me - called me. She came into money and calls me and says "if you want some money - then take me to the bank and hangs up. I was so hurt. She is mad becaue I accused her of drinking and she says I always do. I do but she IS! I'm so messed up right now. So I call her and she told me I am not healthy for her and she is doing better without talking to me and not drinking. My ex used to say that about his drugs and I feel like crap - maybe it is me. I am heartbroken. I gave up my life for these people and even my own son treats me with disrespect. I am just so broken and sad - I can't even function.

I now need to move on and put it in the past and distance myself. Just feeling bad right now. Thanks for listening.

[Twinkles]

Okay, I am sitting here crying my eyes out. If I don't make sense please bear with me - I just need to vent because I have noone to talk to.

First of all, this has been the worse day I have had in a loooong time. First of all I go to check on my child support payments to see if there were any online. It says that they have stopped actively pursuing child support because of father's "circumstances". I was dumbfounded because noone contacted me about this! I called and the girl said "yep.. they will keep adding child support but at this time they will not do anything nor pursue it because if the father's circumstances. I ask what circumstances? She said he is protected under Federal law and she can't tell me. WHAT!!!!! I flipped out and said "what about MY circumstances!!" She said she had no other info and I would have to go back to court and find out from them. I don't know who to even talk to!!!!

So, stupid idiot me calls him - yes the abuser. I told him right off I did not want to argue and that I was just wondering what was going on. Will I get child support or not? Is evertying okay with him? Stupid me thought maybe he has medical issues, etc. So he FLIPS out on me and tells me to stop being nosy about his life, talking about the past AND says he is EMBARRASED to have ever gone out with me and that he must have been in a drugged up stupor. I am embarassing. In one moment all the work that I have progressed thru - all the pain I have gotten over came rushing back. I was so HURT! THEN I remembered why I wasn't with him. I should NOT have called. BIG MISTAKE. So now I am not going to get child support - great - and I got verbally abused. That wasn't just it - he called me a whore (I'm far from it - trust me) and all these bad things. Why? Can't he say I'm a good mother? anything?

Then my mother who I was there for even though she was an abusive alcoholic to me growing up and my father raised me - called me. She came into money and calls me and says "if you want some money - then take me to the bank and hangs up. I was so hurt. She is mad becaue I accused her of drinking and she says I always do. I do but she IS! I'm so messed up right now. So I call her and she told me I am not healthy for her and she is doing better without talking to me and not drinking. My ex used to say that about his drugs and I feel like crap - maybe it is me. I am heartbroken. I gave up my life for these people and even my own son treats me with disrespect. I am just so broken and sad - I can't even function.

I now need to move on and put it in the past and distance myself. Just feeling bad right now. Thanks for listening.

I'm quietly sitting here with you, listening. As soon as, I gather my thoughts together... I'll post more of a reply.

Sweetie, I want you to keep telling yourself - it's NOT me... it's them!!! Try not to let them manipulate you into feeling bad about yourself.

I'm sorry, you're feeling so sad & overwhelmed.

((( Big Hugs! ))) :hugs:

[deborah62]

I am finally at the point,it took so long to get here that I am ready to confront my parents about things that happened in my childhood but now I feel I can not,they are elderly now and not in the best of health,I really do not think they would listen anyway,about 4 years ago I did try to talk to my dad about it,I was bawling on the phone and all he did was change the subject.
I had some good whippings when I was little but what was worse was the emotional and mental abuse from my parents,I was made to feel like nothing,that nothing I said mattered,if I had an opinion about something that differed from them I was told not to argue,so I learned to keep my opinions to myself,I was never good enough or did anything right,My brother was the perfect child and got to do everything he wanted,he also used to beat the crap out of me,I think I wore long sleeves for 2 or 3 years because I always had bruises on my arms,he stabbed me with forks and threw me on an electic fence and everytime we were alone in the house he would lock me in the cellar and turn off the light,I told my parents and they did nothing but tell me it must have been my fault.And they wonder now why I do not want anything to do with him.
A few of the thing my mother did,these are a few of the not so bad things,She used to smoke,she snuck around to do it,it must have been when I was between 4 to about 8 when I would go with her to the store or bank once a week and she would smoke and tell me if I didnt tell anyone she would buy me an ice cream cone or some kind of treat,I was a kid I wanted ice cream,at about 8 I got tired of keeping her secret so I told my dad she was smoking,she didnt talk to me for 2 or 3 weeks after that.
My brother played baseball,when I was in 5th grade I decided to try out for the softball team and made the shortstop position,I was so excited and when I told my parents my mother said "your brothers games come first,if you have a game on the same day as his we can't go or take you to yours"
My mothers worked in a restaurant and sometimes if we went past my dad would stop and we would eat,I must have been 11 or 12 and one of her coworkers ask me how old I was and I was a smart aleck and said I forget or some such thing,after that if we stopped I wasn't allowed to go in,I had to stay in the car and wait for them.
There is so much more,she was just emotionally cold when I was little,I think she liked putting me down all the time.
I thought when I got older the memories would go away but they don't,I am trying to make peace with them.I know alot of people have been through much worse than me and some people will think this is nothing but they didnt live it,I think maybe one reason I choose not to have kids was is I was afraid I would treat them the way I was treated.

[Twinkles]

I am finally at the point,it took so long to get here that I am ready to confront my parents about things that happened in my childhood but now I feel I can not,they are elderly now and not in the best of health,I really do not think they would listen anyway,about 4 years ago I did try to talk to my dad about it,I was bawling on the phone and all he did was change the subject.
I had some good whippings when I was little but what was worse was the emotional and psychological abuse from my parents,I was made to feel like nothing,that nothing I said mattered,if I had an opinion about something that differed from them I was told not to argue,so I learned to keep my opinions to myself,I was never good enough,My brother was the perfect child and got to do everything he wanted,he also used to beat the crap out of me,I think I wore long sleeves for 2 or 3 years because I always had bruises on my arms,he stabbed me with forks and threw me on an electic fence and everytime we were alone in the house he would lock me in the cellar and turn off the light,I told my parents and they did nothing but tell me it must have been my fault.And they wonder now why I do not want anything to do with him.
A few of the thing my mother did,these are a few of the not so bad things,She used to smoke,she snuck around to do it,it must have been when I was between 4 to about 8 when I would go with her to the store or bank once a week and she would smoke and tell me if I didnt tell anyone she would buy me an ice cream cone or some kind of treat,I was a kid I wanted ice cream,at about 8 I got tired of keeping her secret so I told my dad she was smoking,she didnt talk to me for 2 or 3 weeks after that.
My brother played baseball,when I was in 5th grade I decided to try out for the softball team and made the shortstop position,I was so excited and when I told my parents my mother said "your brothers games come first,if you have a game on the same day as his we can't go or take you to yours"
My mothers worked in a restaurant and sometimes if we went past my dad would stop and we would eat,I must have been 11 or 12 and one of her coworkers ask me how old I was and I was a smart aleck and said I forget or some such thing,after that if we stopped I wasn't allowed to go in,I had to stay in the car and wait for them.
There is so much more and some of it worse,she was just emotionally cold when I was little.
I thought when I got older the memories would go away but they don't,I am trying to make peace with them.I know alot of people have been through much worse than me,I think maybe one reason I choose not to have kids was is I was afraid I would treat them the way I was treated.

deborah62,

Thank-you for sharing. I can totally relate to your story. It feels really sad having read about what you had to endure growing-up. The effects of emotional abuse can be quite as devastating & damaging, as any other form of abuse. It can effect you to the very core of your being.

I suffered a great deal of emotional abuse from my former foster parents. Especially, by my foster mother who was very emotionally cold & distant. To this day, I struggle with the memories and emotional pain from it all. It has effected me in so many ways. I grew-up feeling very much unloved & unwanted. I always felt like, I never measured up in their eyes.

I wish, for your sake... that, your parents would be able to acknowledge their abusive treatment of you, and all the pain it's caused in your life.

((( Big Hug! ))) :hugs:

[mvir9]

Okay, I am sitting here crying my eyes out. If I don't make sense please bear with me - I just need to vent because I have noone to talk to.

First of all, this has been the worse day I have had in a loooong time. First of all I go to check on my child support payments to see if there were any online. It says that they have stopped actively pursuing child support because of father's "circumstances". I was dumbfounded because noone contacted me about this! I called and the girl said "yep.. they will keep adding child support but at this time they will not do anything nor pursue it because if the father's circumstances. I ask what circumstances? She said he is protected under Federal law and she can't tell me. WHAT!!!!! I flipped out and said "what about MY circumstances!!" She said she had no other info and I would have to go back to court and find out from them. I don't know who to even talk to!!!!

So, stupid idiot me calls him - yes the abuser. I told him right off I did not want to argue and that I was just wondering what was going on. Will I get child support or not? Is evertying okay with him? Stupid me thought maybe he has medical issues, etc. So he FLIPS out on me and tells me to stop being nosy about his life, talking about the past AND says he is EMBARRASED to have ever gone out with me and that he must have been in a drugged up stupor. I am embarassing. In one moment all the work that I have progressed thru - all the pain I have gotten over came rushing back. I was so HURT! THEN I remembered why I wasn't with him. I should NOT have called. BIG MISTAKE. So now I am not going to get child support - great - and I got verbally abused. That wasn't just it - he called me a whore (I'm far from it - trust me) and all these bad things. Why? Can't he say I'm a good mother? anything?

Then my mother who I was there for even though she was an abusive alcoholic to me growing up and my father raised me - called me. She came into money and calls me and says "if you want some money - then take me to the bank and hangs up. I was so hurt. She is mad becaue I accused her of drinking and she says I always do. I do but she IS! I'm so messed up right now. So I call her and she told me I am not healthy for her and she is doing better without talking to me and not drinking. My ex used to say that about his drugs and I feel like crap - maybe it is me. I am heartbroken. I gave up my life for these people and even my own son treats me with disrespect. I am just so broken and sad - I can't even function.

I now need to move on and put it in the past and distance myself. Just feeling bad right now. Thanks for listening.

Lauren,

I'm so sorry that you had such a miserable day! I do think there is some truth to the idea "when it rains, it pours." I want to be blunt here -- but it is out of concern for you that I am being blunt -- in my opinion, you (like myself) have a heart of gold that is sometimes a bit too shiny. I always gave people the benefit of the doubt, at least subconsciously, even if not consciously. And, I gave them this benefit even after the abuse had stopped. I assumed, somewhere in my core, that it was so OBVIOUS that what they did was wrong that eventually they would come around, and maybe even apologize. Like you, I ran into a great deal of additional disappointment and pain because of it. To this day, I fight back my idealism, because I know (logically) that it will simply lead to more hurt in the end.

Cynical? Maybe -- but it is well-deserved when a person has lived through the kind of crap we have.

Of course, this isn't to say that there aren't good, trustworthy people in the world, because there certainly are. However, when a person has been through what we have, it is good to be a bit more discerning. ;)

Others may disagree with my view of this, and I know that all of us experience this differently -- and I respect those differences. My only point here is that it is okay to put a small, protective barrier of cynicism around your heart. They earned it.

Good luck. And, I am really sorry about the child support.

[mvir9]

I am finally at the point,it took so long to get here that I am ready to confront my parents about things that happened in my childhood but now I feel I can not,they are elderly now and not in the best of health,I really do not think they would listen anyway,about 4 years ago I did try to talk to my dad about it,I was bawling on the phone and all he did was change the subject.
I had some good whippings when I was little but what was worse was the emotional and mental abuse from my parents,I was made to feel like nothing,that nothing I said mattered,if I had an opinion about something that differed from them I was told not to argue,so I learned to keep my opinions to myself,I was never good enough or did anything right,My brother was the perfect child and got to do everything he wanted,he also used to beat the crap out of me,I think I wore long sleeves for 2 or 3 years because I always had bruises on my arms,he stabbed me with forks and threw me on an electic fence and everytime we were alone in the house he would lock me in the cellar and turn off the light,I told my parents and they did nothing but tell me it must have been my fault.And they wonder now why I do not want anything to do with him.
A few of the thing my mother did,these are a few of the not so bad things,She used to smoke,she snuck around to do it,it must have been when I was between 4 to about 8 when I would go with her to the store or bank once a week and she would smoke and tell me if I didnt tell anyone she would buy me an ice cream cone or some kind of treat,I was a kid I wanted ice cream,at about 8 I got tired of keeping her secret so I told my dad she was smoking,she didnt talk to me for 2 or 3 weeks after that.
My brother played baseball,when I was in 5th grade I decided to try out for the softball team and made the shortstop position,I was so excited and when I told my parents my mother said "your brothers games come first,if you have a game on the same day as his we can't go or take you to yours"
My mothers worked in a restaurant and sometimes if we went past my dad would stop and we would eat,I must have been 11 or 12 and one of her coworkers ask me how old I was and I was a smart aleck and said I forget or some such thing,after that if we stopped I wasn't allowed to go in,I had to stay in the car and wait for them.
There is so much more,she was just emotionally cold when I was little,I think she liked putting me down all the time.
I thought when I got older the memories would go away but they don't,I am trying to make peace with them.I know alot of people have been through much worse than me and some people will think this is nothing but they didnt live it,I think maybe one reason I choose not to have kids was is I was afraid I would treat them the way I was treated.

Any abuse is horrible to experience, so please don't worry about people viewing your experiences as "lesser than" or unimportant in any way. Actually, your abuse, due to its persistence, sounds like a subtle form of terrorism. Always having to worry about what you say, being pressured into "keeping secrets" from other family members, expressly being considered "second fiddle" to another sibling -- all of these tortures would be difficult for an adult to experience, let alone a child.

A word of caution: although I support confronting family members, it doesn't necessarily end up "clarifying" things. In my case, I ended up regretting telling anyone about my abuse, and regretted the confrontation even more. Somehow, I ended being the "bad" person who was trying to destroy the family. On the other hand, I have heard of several cases where the confrontation brought closure. So, my word of caution is this: be ready, no matter what the outcome. I just don't want you to be hurt again.

[isavegas]

Hi everyone!! Wanted to let ya'll know I'm out now. Tmw we have court. Thank you for all your kind support so far.

I will not have my computer for a few days in case you guys PM me again. Wish me luck!

[ISLABONITA]

I am so happy for you Isa.. I will be here you know anytime you need me as before.

[deborah62]

After I posted last night I almost came back and deleted it,this is something that is so hard to talk about,I am so sorry to everyone here that had to go through any kind of abuse.Its good to be able to say what happened to a group that understands.
I wish i could put all the bad memories in a box and close the lid forever but I know now thats not how it works,something someone might say or something I see always opens the lid.
One of the most hurtful things my mother said to me,it was actually said a few times is something no mother should say to her child and that was "I wish you were never born".

[astromynx]

After I posted last night I almost came back and deleted it,this is something that is so hard to talk about,I am so sorry to everyone here that had to go through any kind of abuse.Its good to be able to say what happened to a group that understands.
I wish i could put all the bad memories in a box and close the lid forever but I know now thats not how it works,something someone might say or something I see always opens the lid.
One of the most hurtful things my mother said to me,it was actually said a few times is something no mother should say to her child and that was "I wish you were never born".

I'm so sorry to read what happened to you. My mother was a lot like yours. I cannot recall one single time when I was a kid that my mother hugged me or told me she loved me. It was all name calling and criticism. I was never good enough for her.

I got chills when I read that your mother said she wished you'd never been born. Mine told me the same thing once. I believe that the cause of her anger towards me was due to her getting pregnant when she was 18 and feeling compelled to get married. I think she saw me as having ruined her life. I had no control over that!

I, too, had decided when I was younger to never have kids or to at least wait until I was older. That didn't exactly work out as I had my DD at 24 and my DS at 27. I am glad I did have them, though. They help me to understand that childhood can be so much more than what it was for me.

[astromynx]

Hi everyone!! Wanted to let ya'll know I'm out now. Tmw we have court. Thank you for all your kind support so far.

I will not have my computer for a few days in case you guys PM me again. Wish me luck!

I'm so glad! That makes me so happy for you. Please be careful. You are in my prayers!

[astromynx]

Any abuse is horrible to experience, so please don't worry about people viewing your experiences as "lesser than" or unimportant in any way. Actually, your abuse, due to its persistence, sounds like a subtle form of terrorism. Always having to worry about what you say, being pressured into "keeping secrets" from other family members, expressly being considered "second fiddle" to another sibling -- all of these tortures would be difficult for an adult to experience, let alone a child.

A word of caution: although I support confronting family members, it doesn't necessarily end up "clarifying" things. In my case, I ended up regretting telling anyone about my abuse, and regretted the confrontation even more. Somehow, I ended being the "bad" person who was trying to destroy the family. On the other hand, I have heard of several cases where the confrontation brought closure. So, my word of caution is this: be ready, no matter what the outcome. I just don't want you to be hurt again.

When I confronted my father about the sexual abuse, I was hoping for an apology. I got an excuse- alcohol. He said he did it (for 12 years!) because he was drunk. I told him that alcohol doesn't make people do something they don't want to do. It only frees their inhibitions to allow them to do what they wanted to do in the first place. He told me he had something for me in the house and ran inside. He came back out with a book...A BOOK! He told me that he had found God and that God had forgiven him and that I should, too. He said he thought I should read the self-help book he had, and he tried to give it to me. He said he'd already highlighted the "good parts." I told him that I didn't want his book. I told him that I wished I had prosecuted him for what he'd done, but since I hadn't that God would certainly deal with him when he died.
I have no use for my father. My children do not know his name. They call my step-dad Papaw. I don't plan on seeing him again until his funeral.

[mvir9]

Hi everyone!! Wanted to let ya'll know I'm out now. Tmw we have court. Thank you for all your kind support so far.

I will not have my computer for a few days in case you guys PM me again. Wish me luck!

I will be thinking about you -- and wishing you safety as well as happiness.

[mvir9]

After I posted last night I almost came back and deleted it,this is something that is so hard to talk about,I am so sorry to everyone here that had to go through any kind of abuse.Its good to be able to say what happened to a group that understands.
I wish i could put all the bad memories in a box and close the lid forever but I know now thats not how it works,something someone might say or something I see always opens the lid.
One of the most hurtful things my mother said to me,it was actually said a few times is something no mother should say to her child and that was "I wish you were never born".

Aw, I'm so sorry that you had to hear that. I hope you know, really know, that her statement wasn't about you -- but her way of finding an excuse for her own failures.

HUGS

[mvir9]

I'm so sorry to read what happened to you. My mother was a lot like yours. I cannot recall one single time when I was a kid that my mother hugged me or told me she loved me. It was all name calling and criticism. I was never good enough for her.

I got chills when I read that your mother said she wished you'd never been born. Mine told me the same thing once. I believe that the cause of her anger towards me was due to her getting pregnant when she was 18 and feeling compelled to get married. I think she saw me as having ruined her life. I had no control over that!

I, too, had decided when I was younger to never have kids or to at least wait until I was older. That didn't exactly work out as I had my DD at 24 and my DS at 27. I am glad I did have them, though. They help me to understand that childhood can be so much more than what it was for me.

I had two munchkins of my own -- and it has been an interesting journey finding out how the abuse I suffered would impact me as a parent. The most dominant trait is that I am VERY protective of my children when it comes to men. I don't allow my daughters to go to a friend's house if only the father is home . . . there are very few men that I truly TRUST in this world (luckily hubby is one of them!).

Yes, my protection of them is very well-intentioned, but I worry sometimes that it is a bit too much. It is hard to walk this line.

One thing will always hold true, however -- I have never and will never do anything more spectacular than breathing life into these wonderful little girls.

[psipsina]

I was lucky in that the worst of it didn't start until I was older and therefore a bit stronger emotionally. I was never hit or molested but I was horribly emotionally abused. My mother is severely mentally ill but back then she was misdiagnosed as clinically depressed so no one was treating her for all that is really wrong. When my father died when I was 10 it threw her into a downward spiral that she still hasn't recovered from to this day. She became really irrational and would ground me for months at a time for minor infractions. Once my friends mom went to the grocery store after taking us to church and so we were late getting back to my friends house . . . my mom was waiting in the driveway (I was supposed to call when we got back to be picked up) and she started screaming horrible things at me so bad my friends mom wanted to keep me with her . . . she actually called her lawyer to see if she could . . . when I went home I was grounded for three months. I was a straight A student in honors courses at prep school, I played sports and did ballet, I was popular and drug free and yet at home I was treated like I was a horrible failure. I didn't understand what was going on and eventually started to rebel because all of my efforts just got obscenities screamed at me. My aunt who lived with us was also fighting with my mom and at one point my mom tried to kill her by throwing her down a staircase and I had to lock myself in my room and call the police. My aunt then moved out and it got even worse since I was the only target of my mom's rages and paranoia. One terrifying time she chased me around the house with a butchers knife in her hand. She told me that I was rotten inside and that I was going to end up as a prostitute. I ran away at 17, got my own ID (it took months!), re-enrolled in high school, applied to colleges and moved forward. I still have alot of sadness about everything that happened but thankfully my self esteem survived. I am bitter that I don't have the parental relationship that so many of my friends enjoy. It would be easier if she was just dead and I could mourn for that loss rather than mourning for someone who is still around. When I was in college she ended up homeless and finally got diagnosed and put on antipsychotics so she is a bit better but it is still a struggle to maintain any type of relationship with her. She has delusions and paranoias that she reacts to so you never know if you will pick up the phone be confronted with an irate and irrational person or the person you think of as your mom. I'm also angry that no one believed me . . . everyone just thought that we were having normal mother-daughter teen issues and brushed me off when I tried to tell people what my home life was like. I went through some very dark times right when I needed people to guide me and parent me and I felt so very alone. My reaction to hate the world around me rather than internalizing it which I am thankful for. It was easier I think to learn that the whole world isn't like that, that there is goodness in the world, rather than having to find the goodness in myself. It scares me so much to think that if I had stayed and started believing her that I wouldn't be where I am today. The hardest part is balancing whether to be angry with her or to feel badly for her. It depends on the day really which way I feel.

[mvir9]

When I confronted my father about the sexual abuse, I was hoping for an apology. I got an excuse- alcohol. He said he did it (for 12 years!) because he was drunk. I told him that alcohol doesn't make people do something they don't want to do. It only frees their inhibitions to allow them to do what they wanted to do in the first place. He told me he had something for me in the house and ran inside. He came back out with a book...A BOOK! He told me that he had found God and that God had forgiven him and that I should, too. He said he thought I should read the self-help book he had, and he tried to give it to me. He said he'd already highlighted the "good parts." I told him that I didn't want his book. I told him that I wished I had prosecuted him for what he'd done, but since I hadn't that God would certainly deal with him when he died.
I have no use for my father. My children do not know his name. They call my step-dad Papaw. I don't plan on seeing him again until his funeral.

It is rotten that the abusers can't, even years later, accept full responsibility for what they have wrought.

I'm very happy for you and your children that you have a step-dad that you can rely on. (But, I'm still very sorry that you suffered at all).

[mvir9]

It would be easier if she was just dead and I could mourn for that loss rather than mourning for someone who is still around.

Psipsina:

Regardless of your age, what you experienced was undoubtedly horrific. The statement I've pointed out is SO POWERFUL and truly resonates with me. It is a tough, tough thing to come to a conclusion like this, especially about a parent -- but given the hand we were dealt, it makes a great deal of sense.

You were very courageous (much more so than I, I am ashamed to admit) by getting out when you did and forging your own path through life. My own "forge" didn't occur until I was married and had two children. It took that long for me to realize that I needed to build myself from scratch -- excising as much emotional baggage as I could.

Your strength is something I admire.

[shoppinqueen]

I stopped by this thread to just give everybody here a big hug.

As for myself,I haven't spoken to my family of origin for years.yes I did therapy,3 yrs straight at one point,together with my therapist I decided that in order for me to function,certain doors needed to stay closed.

[deborah62]

Same here,but I do not know why mine was so angry with me,she wasn't that way with my 3 siblings.I am sorry you were treated that way too,alot of people do end up abusing thier own kids,you should be proud of yourself for breaking the cycle,here is a hug for you:hugs:


I'm so sorry to read what happened to you. My mother was a lot like yours. I cannot recall one single time when I was a kid that my mother hugged me or told me she loved me. It was all name calling and criticism. I was never good enough for her.

I got chills when I read that your mother said she wished you'd never been born. Mine told me the same thing once. I believe that the cause of her anger towards me was due to her getting pregnant when she was 18 and feeling compelled to get married. I think she saw me as having ruined her life. I had no control over that!

I, too, had decided when I was younger to never have kids or to at least wait until I was older. That didn't exactly work out as I had my DD at 24 and my DS at 27. I am glad I did have them, though. They help me to understand that childhood can be so much more than what it was for me.

[Morrigan]

Hello Everyone :hugs: I've missed being here with you. I've been sidelined with the Flu, then as I was getting over that, I had eaten some undercooked chicken. I had a pretty bad reaction to that. I'm doing much better now though. Not to worry, I'm a tough old bird. lol

I hope that your doing well this evening. I've tried to keep up with all of the posts, but I'm still a bit behind. I'm just gonna jump back in and hold on where I can. I wanted to commend everyone on their courage to express your feelings and speak out here. It takes gut's. Your doing great :bouquet:

Sending a special :thumbs: to "mvir9" Your replies are sincere and heartfelt. Thank you for your contributions to this group. I'm glad your here.

[mvir9]

I stopped by this thread to just give everybody here a big hug.

As for myself,I haven't spoken to my family of origin for years.yes I did therapy,3 yrs straight at one point,together with my therapist I decided that in order for me to function,certain doors needed to stay closed.

I'm happy that you were able to find a way to function! Although I am already aware that everyone handles this differently, your post (honest and to the point) struck me more than most. For some people, it is necessary to open up, to find support. For others, it is to listen and feel a sense of understanding without discussing their private situation. Yet, for others it is essential that they simply leave it all behind. (Of course, there are a variety of other options, but these seem to be the most prominent).

I think the hardest part is simply finding out what is right for us, in our individual situation. Again, kudos for finding your ability to function.

[mvir9]

Hello Everyone :hugs: I've missed being here with you. I've been sidelined with the Flu, then as I was getting over that, I had eaten some undercooked chicken. I had a pretty bad reaction to that. I'm doing much better now though. Not to worry, I'm a tough old bird. lol

I hope that your doing well this evening. I've tried to keep up with all of the posts, but I'm still a bit behind. I'm just gonna jump back in and hold on where I can. I wanted to commend everyone on their courage to express your feelings and speak out here. It takes gut's. Your doing great :bouquet:

Sending a special :thumbs: to "mvir9" Your replies are sincere and heartfelt. Thank you for your contributions to this group. I'm glad your here.

I'm so glad that you are feeling better! That must have been a miserable few days . . .yikes!

Thanks for the kudos. This is such a great thread in that it truly clarifies that -- no matter how alone we feel in our daily lives when we deal with our past (or current) abuse -- we really are not alone. As much as I hate the fact that anyone else in this world has gone through a similar situation, it is very comforting to know that there are people out there who truly, and very deeply, understand.

HUGS

[mvir9]

Regarding Emotional Abuse:

A friend of mine sent me an article, which explains patterns of emotional abuse. I am posting it with the hopes that it will help someone identify their own situation -- particularly for those who tend to diminish what they have experienced because it wasn't physical. All forms of abuse are bad -- period.

http://www.americanhumane.org/site/PageServer?pagename=nr_fact_sheets_childemotionalabuse, adapted from James Garbarino, an expert on child psychological and emotional abuse.

What Is Emotional Abuse?

Emotional abuse of a child is commonly defined as a pattern of behavior by parents or caregivers that can seriously interfere with a child’s cognitive, emotional, psychological or social development. Emotional abuse of a child — also referred to as psychological maltreatment — can include:

*Ignoring. Either physically or psychologically, the parent or caregiver is not present to respond to the child. He or she may not look at the child and may not call the child by name.

*Rejecting. This is an active refusal to respond to a child’s needs (e.g., refusing to touch a child, denying the needs of a child, ridiculing a child).

*Isolating. The parent or caregiver consistently prevents the child from having normal social interactions with peers, family members and adults. This also may include confining the child or limiting the child’s freedom of movement.

*Exploiting or corrupting. In this kind of abuse, a child is taught, encouraged or forced to develop inappropriate or illegal behaviors. It may involve self-destructive or antisocial acts of the parent or caregiver, such as teaching a child how to steal or forcing a child into prostitution.

*Verbally assaulting. This involves constantly belittling, shaming, ridiculing or verbally threatening the child.

*Terrorizing. Here, the parent or caregiver threatens or bullies the child and creates a climate of fear for the child. Terrorizing can include placing the child or the child’s loved one (such as a sibling, pet or toy) in a dangerous or chaotic situation, or placing rigid or unrealistic expectations on the child with threats of harm if they are not met.

*Neglecting the child. This abuse may include educational neglect, where a parent or caregiver fails or refuses to provide the child with necessary educational services; mental health neglect, where the parent or caregiver denies or ignores a child’s need for treatment for psychological problems; or medical neglect, where a parent or caregiver denies or ignores a child’s need for treatment for medical problems.

-----------
"While the definition of emotional abuse is often complex and imprecise, professionals agree that, for most parents, occasional negative attitudes or actions are not considered emotional abuse. Even the best of parents have occasions when they have momentarily “lost control” and said hurtful things to their children, failed to give them the attention they wanted or unintentionally scared them.

What is truly harmful, according to James Garbarino, a national expert on emotional abuse, is the persistent, chronic pattern that “erodes and corrodes a child” (1994). Many experts concur that emotional abuse is typically not an isolated incident."

[webgirl256]

Hi everyone.. what happened to me happened years ago when I was a child. I personally like to take things one day at a time and have learned that it isn't something that has to effect my life every waking hour, with that knowledge I have come to find meaning again in my daily life and growth to overcome what has happened in the past even if it never totally goes away.. Take care everyone:hugs:

[laurenk503]

Hi everyone.. what happened to me happened years ago when I was a child. I personally like to take things one day at a time and have learned that it isn't something that has to effect my life every waking hour, with that knowledge I have come to find meaning again in my daily life and growth to overcome what has happened in the past even if it never totally goes away.. Take care everyone:hugs:

:hugs:

[Twinkles]

Hello Everyone :hugs: I've missed being here with you. I've been sidelined with the Flu, then as I was getting over that, I had eaten some undercooked chicken. I had a pretty bad reaction to that. I'm doing much better now though. Not to worry, I'm a tough old bird. lol

I hope that your doing well this evening. I've tried to keep up with all of the posts, but I'm still a bit behind. I'm just gonna jump back in and hold on where I can. I wanted to commend everyone on their courage to express your feelings and speak out here. It takes gut's. Your doing great :bouquet:

Sending a special :thumbs: to "mvir9" Your replies are sincere and heartfelt. Thank you for your contributions to this group. I'm glad your here.

Hi Morrigan,

I'm glad you're feeling better. :)

Ditto, to what you posted about mvir9!! :thumbs:

[Twinkles]

Regarding Emotional Abuse:

A friend of mine sent me an article, which explains patterns of emotional abuse. I am posting it with the hopes that it will help someone identify their own situation -- particularly for those who tend to diminish what they have experienced because it wasn't physical. All forms of abuse are bad -- period.

http://www.americanhumane.org/site/PageServer?pagename=nr_fact_sheets_childemotionalabuse, adapted from James Garbarino, an expert on child psychological and emotional abuse.

What Is Emotional Abuse?

Emotional abuse of a child is commonly defined as a pattern of behavior by parents or caregivers that can seriously interfere with a child’s cognitive, emotional, psychological or social development. Emotional abuse of a child — also referred to as psychological maltreatment — can include:

*Ignoring. Either physically or psychologically, the parent or caregiver is not present to respond to the child. He or she may not look at the child and may not call the child by name.

*Rejecting. This is an active refusal to respond to a child’s needs (e.g., refusing to touch a child, denying the needs of a child, ridiculing a child).

*Isolating. The parent or caregiver consistently prevents the child from having normal social interactions with peers, family members and adults. This also may include confining the child or limiting the child’s freedom of movement.

*Exploiting or corrupting. In this kind of abuse, a child is taught, encouraged or forced to develop inappropriate or illegal behaviors. It may involve self-destructive or antisocial acts of the parent or caregiver, such as teaching a child how to steal or forcing a child into prostitution.

*Verbally assaulting. This involves constantly belittling, shaming, ridiculing or verbally threatening the child.

*Terrorizing. Here, the parent or caregiver threatens or bullies the child and creates a climate of fear for the child. Terrorizing can include placing the child or the child’s loved one (such as a sibling, pet or toy) in a dangerous or chaotic situation, or placing rigid or unrealistic expectations on the child with threats of harm if they are not met.

*Neglecting the child. This abuse may include educational neglect, where a parent or caregiver fails or refuses to provide the child with necessary educational services; mental health neglect, where the parent or caregiver denies or ignores a child’s need for treatment for psychological problems; or medical neglect, where a parent or caregiver denies or ignores a child’s need for treatment for medical problems.

-----------
"While the definition of emotional abuse is often complex and imprecise, professionals agree that, for most parents, occasional negative attitudes or actions are not considered emotional abuse. Even the best of parents have occasions when they have momentarily “lost control” and said hurtful things to their children, failed to give them the attention they wanted or unintentionally scared them.

What is truly harmful, according to James Garbarino, a national expert on emotional abuse, is the persistent, chronic pattern that “erodes and corrodes a child” (1994). Many experts concur that emotional abuse is typically not an isolated incident."

Thank-you mvir9, for posting this detailed information on emotional abuse... Excellent & helpful!! :thumbs:

[mvir9]

Hi everyone.. what happened to me happened years ago when I was a child. I personally like to take things one day at a time and have learned that it isn't something that has to effect my life every waking hour, with that knowledge I have come to find meaning again in my daily life and growth to overcome what has happened in the past even if it never totally goes away.. Take care everyone:hugs:

This is such a wonderful post!

It took me a long time to come to the same realization. :)

[mvir9]

Hi Morrigan,

I'm glad you're feeling better. :)

Ditto, to what you posted about mvir9!! :thumbs:

You two have been great as well! If it wasn't for the honesty, sincerity, and open-mindedness in the early pages of this thread, I may never have posted. It takes a lot of comfort for me to open up -- even a little -- about my past. You two and the other posters have done a wonderful job of making this a "safe" place. Thank you!

[ISLABONITA]

I have just chatted with her and she is in dire need of some $$ to get to Texas. She is flat broke.

She has a car that will not make the 800 miles nor have the $$ for gas so she is planning to go by bus with her son.

I offered to post here that if anyone could help her out I have her paypal address and would give it to you or any other way you can think of helping her.

She was able to get most of her stuff out of her place and is living temporarily with a friend from church ( family of 4) But she has no way of shipping her stuff to her dad's in Texas.

She would more than welcome your pm's and moral support at this point .. she will be online tonight since she shares a phone line with the computer and it's easiest for her to tie that line up late at night.

[mvir9]

I have just chatted with her and she is in dire need of some $$ to get to Texas. She is flat broke.

She has a car that will not make the 800 miles nor have the $$ for gas so she is planning to go by bus with her son.

I offered to post here that if anyone could help her out I have her paypal address and would give it to you or any other way you can think of helping her.

She was able to get most of her stuff out of her place and is living temporarily with a friend from church ( family of 4) But she has no way of shipping her stuff to her dad's in Texas.

She would more than welcome your pm's and moral support at this point .. she will be online tonight since she shares a phone line with the computer and it's easiest for her to tie that line up late at night.

Thank you for the update! I'm so happy that she took that ALL-IMPORTANT first step. That took an immense amount of courage.

I've PM'd her -- she should know that she has friends (even if they are thousands of miles away). :)

[ISLABONITA]

I am putting together a Care Package for her.. if anyone would like her address please pm me. thanks.

[LUCINDA574]

Isla- please pass this number on to her if you speak to her, its the Womens shelter for her county, they can help her make arrangements to get a bus ticket home and also a place to stay if she needs it. They are connected to the same network of shelters that I had volunteered in here and can help her. HANNAH'S HOUSE FAYETTEVILLE (615) 438-0701, they are the local shelter for her county and can come get her. Deb is deaf and said before she doesnt have a license and cannot drive, so these ppl can help...

[ISLABONITA]

Thanks for the info Lucinda.. I have passed it on .

[TAWANDA]

Has anyone here ever felt the need to evict a certain family member from your life? I am going through this right now and for my own health and well being, I must do this in order to have the strength to continue on in my survival mode. Just wonder if anyone out there has ever had to tell someone to go away/never contact you again.....just to maintain your own personal sanity?

[mvir9]

Has anyone here ever felt the need to evict a certain family member from your life? I am going through this right now and for my own health and well being, I must do this in order to have the strength to continue on in my survival mode. Just wonder if anyone out there has ever had to tell someone to go away/never contact you again.....just to maintain your own personal sanity?

The short answer is yes.

Now for the explanation:

My step-uncle brutalized his mentally-handicapped 10 year old son (beating him severely -- even leaving bruises on his genitalia from kicking him). He was arrested and given PROBATION!!!! Un-friggin-believable, this system of ours. Anyway, I immediately made it clear to my family that I would NEVER have anything to do with this monster -- and I would certainly never have my children around him. Of course, this magically made ME the bad guy, because "family comes first". I said "too damned bad." So, I refused to be present for ANY family functions where he was present. After a couple of years, several of my family members finally understood that I was not going to back down on this, so they began to semi-respect my decision by trying not to guilt me into showing up for family events. There are a couple of family members, however, who still label me as a bi*ch.

Go figure.

[TAWANDA]

Oh how horrible to hurt a child----I can completely understand why you would choose to remove yourself from that person's presence.

The person I am speaking of gave me life. Our sad relationship has gone on for nearly 42 years and it brings me pain and heartache. My expectations of this person are so much more than the person can freely give---they are the same things that I expect of myself in reference to my son.

This is a hard time for me but it would be better to bury the expectations and the frustration now than to let this drag on and continue causing me grief and pain.

This was a very long thought out step in my healing process. It did not come without bath-tub-fulls of tears (if that's even the appropriate analogy). I just wondered if anyone else had been there.

Thanks for responding.

[Morrigan]

I know you've made a hard decision and I admire you for your strength. I put my stepfather out of my life for a good number of years. I only wish I'd have held strong and not taken him back into my life. Had it not been for having to call him to help me, help my sister "his daughter" I'd have kept him out. We had to join forces on her behalf and before I knew it he was back. I'd have been much better off if I would have held to my guns.

I wish you the best. You have to think about you, and save what you can.

[webgirl256]

Has anyone here ever felt the need to evict a certain family member from your life? I am going through this right now and for my own health and well being, I must do this in order to have the strength to continue on in my survival mode. Just wonder if anyone out there has ever had to tell someone to go away/never contact you again.....just to maintain your own personal sanity?

All I can say is that its not an easy thing to do but sometimes its the only thing you can do to move forward. In the end you will know if its the right thing for you.. I hope you have heath and healing regardless..

[TAWANDA]

Thanks morrigan and webgirl

[deborah62]

Sometimes the only way to have any peace is to cut someone out of your life or to distance yourself.
I am so sorry you have to go through that


Oh how horrible to hurt a child----I can completely understand why you would choose to remove yourself from that person's presence.

The person I am speaking of gave me life. Our sad relationship has gone on for nearly 42 years and it brings me pain and heartache. My expectations of this person are so much more than the person can freely give---they are the same things that I expect of myself in reference to my son.

This is a hard time for me but it would be better to bury the expectations and the frustration now than to let this drag on and continue causing me grief and pain.

This was a very long thought out step in my healing process. It did not come without bath-tub-fulls of tears (if that's even the appropriate analogy). I just wondered if anyone else had been there.

Thanks for responding.

[mvir9]

Oh how horrible to hurt a child----I can completely understand why you would choose to remove yourself from that person's presence.

The person I am speaking of gave me life. Our sad relationship has gone on for nearly 42 years and it brings me pain and heartache. My expectations of this person are so much more than the person can freely give---they are the same things that I expect of myself in reference to my son.

This is a hard time for me but it would be better to bury the expectations and the frustration now than to let this drag on and continue causing me grief and pain.

This was a very long thought out step in my healing process. It did not come without bath-tub-fulls of tears (if that's even the appropriate analogy). I just wondered if anyone else had been there.

Thanks for responding.

Regarding a parent -- well, this is one of those issues I'm still contending with. I can't even figure out why it is so difficult to let just because it is a parent. Evil is evil, period. Objectively, I know this . . . but I still struggle with it, and I "beat myself up" (mentally) for struggling with it.

I hope to figure it all out one day! ;)

[mvir9]

I know you've made a hard decision and I admire you for your strength. I put my stepfather out of my life for a good number of years. I only wish I'd have held strong and not taken him back into my life. Had it not been for having to call him to help me, help my sister "his daughter" I'd have kept him out. We had to join forces on her behalf and before I knew it he was back. I'd have been much better off if I would have held to my guns.

I wish you the best. You have to think about you, and save what you can.

That sucks! I'm so sorry that the situation forced him back into your life. It sounds like you care a great deal about your sister, however. I hope she understands the depth of your love, considering what you have had to go through to help her.

[TAWANDA]

Regarding a parent -- well, this is one of those issues I'm still contending with. I can't even figure out why it is so difficult to let just because it is a parent. Evil is evil, period. Objectively, I know this . . . but I still struggle with it, and I "beat myself up" (mentally) for struggling with it.

I hope to figure it all out one day! ;)

You're right to admit the struggle, but tomorrow I will be 42 and I'm finally at the point where I feel strong enough to parent myself. I no longer need negativity that having a parent brings in my life.

[mvir9]

You're right to admit the struggle, but tomorrow I will be 42 and I'm finally at the point where I feel strong enough to parent myself. I no longer need negativity that having a parent brings in my life.

I completely understand -- and I am very happy for you that you have been able to make that judgment for the well-being of your life! :)

Truly awesome.

[elliej]

I am also a survivor of sexual child abuse.

I found this thread a couple days ago and am back to talk now.

Like you, Nemo, I vividly remember the very first time. I was three years old. I remember every word spoken, but for some reason, I can only recall it as if I am watching it instead of actually experiencing it.

I have yet to figure out how a man could do that to a little girl...especially his own. I dare not think about what I might do to someone who did that to my daughter.

My mother eventually had the conversation with me about telling her if someone touched me inappropriately. By then, though, it had been happening for a long time, and I had been convinced that she wouldn't love me anymore if I told.

I cannot remember most of the times it happened, but it occurred at least weekly until I was fifteen. My childhood was taken from me.

I sometimes wonder what kind of person I would be if all that didn't happen to me. I wonder if I would be more confident...more trusting...more normal.

You know, I can't dwell on that, though. I shove it to the back and try to forget it ever happened, for the most part. That, unfortunately, has caused an issue that does bother me. In stuffing my past, my brain has gotten stuck on auto-stuff. I tend to forget the details of most everything as time goes by.

I have written poetry to get some of my feeling out of my head and onto paper. I will share those here.



I'm just curious, (no I wasn't molested but my daughter was also at the age of 3 by my own husband, her father) Did charges get pressed on him? We tried like hell but my daughter was "too young to be a wtness" is what they told me so he got away with it. I think my daughter would have healed better if he were punished. She was diagnosed with borderline personality disorder when she was 10, which is very unusual to do that young but she has been in counseling her whole life off and on and that is her diagnosis to this day. I hope you don't mind me asking questions, if you do I will go away.

[elliej]

I am also a survivor of sexual child abuse.

I found this thread a couple days ago and am back to talk now.

Like you, Nemo, I vividly remember the very first time. I was three years old. I remember every word spoken, but for some reason, I can only recall it as if I am watching it instead of actually experiencing it.

I have yet to figure out how a man could do that to a little girl...especially his own. I dare not think about what I might do to someone who did that to my daughter.

My mother eventually had the conversation with me about telling her if someone touched me inappropriately. By then, though, it had been happening for a long time, and I had been convinced that she wouldn't love me anymore if I told.

I cannot remember most of the times it happened, but it occurred at least weekly until I was fifteen. My childhood was taken from me.

I sometimes wonder what kind of person I would be if all that didn't happen to me. I wonder if I would be more confident...more trusting...more normal.

You know, I can't dwell on that, though. I shove it to the back and try to forget it ever happened, for the most part. That, unfortunately, has caused an issue that does bother me. In stuffing my past, my brain has gotten stuck on auto-stuff. I tend to forget the details of most everything as time goes by.

I have written poetry to get some of my feeling out of my head and onto paper. I will share those here.



I'm just curious, (no I wasn't molested but my daughter was also at the age of 3 by my own husband, her father) Did charges get pressed on him? We tried like hell but my daughter was "too young to be a wtness" is what they told me so he got away with it. I think my daughter would have healed better if he were punished. She was diagnosed with borderline personality disorder when she was 10, which is very unusual to do that young but she has been in counseling her whole life off and on and that is her diagnosis to this day. I hope you don't mind me asking questions, if you do I will go away.

[Morrigan]

That sucks! I'm so sorry that the situation forced him back into your life. It sounds like you care a great deal about your sister, however. I hope she understands the depth of your love, considering what you have had to go through to help her.

Thank you for your kind words. He's harmless now, just more of a constant reminder of days past.

Oh I do love my kid sister! She loves me too. She still refers to me as the "Protector" I was more like a momma to her than our own momma was. Sister was much younger than me, and so easily frightened. I did everything in my power to keep her sheltered from our daddy. Momma was afraid of daddy, so I was pretty much all she had to lean on. We're best friends to this day.

One thing I will credit my father for is making me awfully tough growing up and to fight like a boy not a girl.
Funny though, that eventually came back to bite him square in the _ _ _ LOL
Long story, but let's just say that he's had the utmost respect for me for well over 20 years. :wink4:

It's rather sad. Dad turned 70 this year. When I look at him, I see a pathetic, frail old man where the tower of an evil monster once stood. He's in the early stages of Alzheimer's, and married to the woman that he had move into my mommas house while we were out of town attending mommas funeral. This woman is now his monster and he's the helpless one.

On one hand I think of it as poetic justice, then on the other hand, I feel guilty for even thinking that way, and I just have to pity him. Talk about mixed emotions.... :rolleyes: I guess that's why I simply deal with him.

[gemini lion]

I'm just curious, (no I wasn't molested but my daughter was also at the age of 3 by my own husband, her father) Did charges get pressed on him? We tried like hell but my daughter was "too young to be a wtness" is what they told me so he got away with it. I think my daughter would have healed better if he were punished. She was diagnosed with borderline personality disorder when she was 10, which is very unusual to do that young but she has been in counseling her whole life off and on and that is her diagnosis to this day. I hope you don't mind me asking questions, if you do I will go away.

So sorry about your daughter. I was diagnosed with a host of things due to my abuse. Just hold her close and let her know you love her.

With your love and therapy she will be ok. She will never forget but time will ease the pain.

[mvir9]

On one hand I think of it as poetic justice, then on the other hand, I feel guilty for even thinking that way, and I just have to pity him. Talk about mixed emotions.... :rolleyes: I guess that's why I simply deal with him.

Oh, I SOOOO know what you mean!

I have the same internal dilemma with one of my abusers. He used to be an intimidating figure to look at -- to simply be around. Now, he is small, frail, and sadly pathetic. I spent so long fearing him, then hating him, and now I just don't know what to think. Pity is a good word for it, I think. Pity that he wasted the best years of his life in the dark pit of destruction; pity that he is now looking toward the end of his life with no ability to change the hurt he caused; pity that he will die knowing that not many people care that he will die.

[deborah62]

I am so so sorry your daughter had to go through that,that is so good that you have had her in counseling,She is lucky she has you,so many mothers are in denial that they won't believe that thier husband is hurting their kids and they do nothing,is he remarried and does he have other kids?I hope not because he is proabably doing the same thing to them.
Just do what you are doing,love your daughter and being their for her.Please do not be afraid to ask questions here as others have been through what your daughter has been through.



I'm just curious, (no I wasn't molested but my daughter was also at the age of 3 by my own husband, her father) Did charges get pressed on him? We tried like hell but my daughter was "too young to be a wtness" is what they told me so he got away with it. I think my daughter would have healed better if he were punished. She was diagnosed with borderline personality disorder when she was 10, which is very unusual to do that young but she has been in counseling her whole life off and on and that is her diagnosis to this day. I hope you don't mind me asking questions, if you do I will go away.

[elliej]

I am so so sorry your daughter had to go through that,that is so good that you have had her in counseling,She is lucky she has you,so many mothers are in denial that they won't believe that thier husband is hurting their kids and they do nothing,is he remarried and does he have other kids?I hope not because he is proabably doing the same thing to them.
Just do what you are doing,love your daughter and being their for her.Please do not be afraid to ask questions here as others have been through what your daughter has been through.



He has been remarried about 5 times since me. He does have another daughter that I know of but is no longer with the mother. My daughter is now 23 with her own daughter and is doing okay. I believed her because a child that age doesn't make up the stuff she said. She actually disclosed to the daycare teacher. I blamed myself for a long time, and still do to a point. I worked full time and he could never hold down a job so he was the caretaker and was very abusive. I was scared to death of him, but I keep thinking that if I just would have gotten out of there sooner she would have been safe.

She is living with the father of the baby and he is a very nice young man. She had a horrible time growing up, she was very dangerous. She set fires and pulled knives, so because of that she was not able to live in the home much as a child. She was in many placements. She had a problem with lying, eating disorders, stealing, promiscuous, attempted suicide twice. But she is still in counseling and on medication and doing well. I am very proud of what she has accomplished and tell her everyday. She has a beautiful daughter whom is now 14 months old. It was rough when she was first born, but she really tried to be a good parent, she took classes and got whatever help she could.

I love her with all my heart and am very proud of her. My heart goes out to each and everyone of you, as I know you never forget. Thanks for letting me talk.

[laurenk503]

Has anyone heard from isa? I just want to make sure she is okay! Thanks!

[mvir9]

Has anyone heard from isa? I just want to make sure she is okay! Thanks!

I have heard from her via PM recently. I'm happy to report that she is doing okay. When she is ready, I am sure that she will drop in to this thread to let everyone know how things are going.

:)

[astromynx]

I'm just curious, (no I wasn't molested but my daughter was also at the age of 3 by my own husband, her father) Did charges get pressed on him? We tried like hell but my daughter was "too young to be a witness" is what they told me so he got away with it. I think my daughter would have healed better if he were punished. She was diagnosed with borderline personality disorder when she was 10, which is very unusual to do that young but she has been in counseling her whole life off and on and that is her diagnosis to this day. I hope you don't mind me asking questions, if you do I will go away.

Hi elliej. I apologize for not responding sooner. I took a break from this thread for a week or so.

No charges were pressed against my father. I wasn't believed when I got up the nerve to say what was happening to me. I moved to a different town when I was 22, but I kept him in my life until I was 24. That's when I confronted him about what he did to me for all those years. I have not spoken to him since then (almost 10 years).

I'm SO sorry to hear about your daughter. Thank you for doing everything you can to help her heal.

[TAWANDA]

elliej your daughter seems to have overcome a lot of things. kuddos to her for being able to pull all of that together to parent her child.

most of the time we hear other things in the news when things go wrong.......i wish more people would step forward and be able to say what they are overcoming so that the world doesn't appear so dismal. it's almost like if you were hurt as a child, the outlook for everything else is dismal and wicked---and gives way to the "damaged goods" thoughts

We can rise above these things together. It helps to pat one another on the back occasionally and say "good job". Most of this crap is hard as he77 to overcome.

[elliej]

elliej your daughter seems to have overcome a lot of things. kuddos to her for being able to pull all of that together to parent her child.

most of the time we hear other things in the news when things go wrong.......i wish more people would step forward and be able to say what they are overcoming so that the world doesn't appear so dismal. it's almost like if you were hurt as a child, the outlook for everything else is dismal and wicked---and gives way to the "damaged goods" thoughts

We can rise above these things together. It helps to pat one another on the back occasionally and say "good job". Most of this crap is hard as he77 to overcome.


Well she is not normal by any means, and I don't know if she will ever be, but she is trying and that is all that matters to me. She knows there is a problem and she wants to make it better, so she is in counseling and I'm so proud of her. Being the parent of a child abused by the other parent is also hard because to this day I blame myself some. You go through the what ifs. That whole period of our lives was horrible, living in fear, I just thank God it's over and we got out alive.

[TAWANDA]

Well she is not normal by any means, and I don't know if she will ever be, but she is trying and that is all that matters to me. She knows there is a problem and she wants to make it better, so she is in counseling and I'm so proud of her. Being the parent of a child abused by the other parent is also hard because to this day I blame myself some. You go through the what ifs. That whole period of our lives was horrible, living in fear, I just thank God it's over and we got out alive.

Without saying a whole lot, I've been there done that too. Just know that I know exactly what you are talking about.

[mvir9]

I wasn't believed when I got up the nerve to say what was happening to me.

This crap takes the cake, doesn't it?! I'm almost MORE upset about not being believed (and later being faulted for it) than I am about the abuse. It is like being drug through the mud and muck all over again.

I made the mistake of idolizing my mom, thinking that she was the only person who truly loved me -- so, I hid it from her -- not wanting to HURT HER! Regretfully, this turned out to be a very large error on my part. When the truth came out (thanks to a not-so-trustworthy friend), she didn't believe me at first, then she hated me for it when the facts became disprovable.

This is when I learned that if I wanted to have a good life, a happy life, I needed to learn to stand on my own two feet. Period.

Some people think I'm a b--tch for rejecting my family as much as I do . . . little do they know WHY I need to do this.

[tfacey]

What bothers me the most about what happened to me.... because I never told, how many others were hurt? I feel really responsible for them.

[mvir9]

What bothers me the most about what happened to me.... because I never told, how many others were hurt? I feel really responsible for them.

What your abuser did or did not do to others was up to HIM, not you. You are not responsible for his behavior -- period.

[TAWANDA]

What bothers me the most about what happened to me.... because I never told, how many others were hurt? I feel really responsible for them.


ouch that hits on a familiar thread of pain, mvir9 is right though--we were not responsible in any way, we were children, totally dependent on the adults in our lives to take care of us

[tfacey]

What your abuser did or did not do to others was up to HIM, not you. You are not responsible for his behavior -- period.

It was a her... she is a mother now.

[mvir9]

It was a her... she is a mother now.

My apologies . . .

I was sexually abused by two men, physically abused by one woman (my first step-mom) . . . so, I didn't mean to imply that a woman cannot be an abuser.

I was simply using the grammatical feature of masculine default. No harm meant, I promise! ;)

[tfacey]

My apologies . . .

I was sexually abused by two men, physically abused by one woman (my first step-mom) . . . so, I didn't mean to imply that a woman cannot be an abuser.

I was simply using the grammatical feature of masculine default. No harm meant, I promise! ;)

No worries... Its just a little freaky to tell people that it was a "her". It screwed my head on wrong for most of my life...that's for sure. But I've never felt healthier than I do right now...

[mvir9]

No worries... Its just a little freaky to tell people that it was a "her". It screwed my head on wrong for most of my life...that's for sure. But I've never felt healthier than I do right now...

:)

I'm glad that you have found a good place in your life. We all deserve it!

HUGS

[TAWANDA]

how's everyone? i hope you're all holding up well

[Morrigan]

:hello: TAWANDA

I've been doing okay. I hope all is well with you and the others too.

[deborah62]

I wish we could put all the bad memories in a box and close the lid forever but something/someone always opens the lid and lets them back out.

[delilya]

Hello all. Wishing you a winning day.

[Captain Nemo]

i wish the memories would go away.
it is troubling me more and for a longer period this time.
i have some books that help me a bit ,going to try rereading them.
best wishes to all of you.

[delilya]

I wish you all the best in your journey Captain.

If you should need anything.... just whistle.

[mvir9]

I wish we could put all the bad memories in a box and close the lid forever but something/someone always opens the lid and lets them back out.

Oh so true!!!

My primary molester called me a couple of days ago . . . to "apologize" for what he "doesn't remember" doing. You see I had a witness, so it is impossible for him to actually DENY it. Rather, he simply says that he doesn't remember. F'ing lovely.

Interesting, I realized that even if the apology would have been sincere, I wouldn't care. I don't want OR NEED an apology. I've gotten my life where I want it to be, in spite of this jerk. I didn't (certainly) need him then, I don't need him now, and I never, ever will.

[Captain Nemo]

a quote from a book that helps me.
"how do you stand it ?"
they walked down the street to the smiths house.
"how do i stand it ?" Charity mused. "i never thought about having to stand it,"she said after a time. "i'm here,and there is a reason for me to be here in just this way.if i don't know that reason,then obviously i'm also here to learn it ."

[gemini lion]

I am not sure if I should even write this and out myself this way but maybe I can help someone else in some way if I do.

I am at this moment waiting for a bed in a detox unit, my 2nd detox in 6 months for opiate abuse.

After my first detox, the methadone wore off I got really sick and picked up again. Now I know maybe I should have just sucked it up but at the time I was terrified because withdrawals are horrible, you can't even imagine. (or maybe you can)

And so now I am going to try again using a different drug that will help me to stay clean and not get sick.

It's been a very long road for me for many years with drugs and alcohol in an attempt to block out feelings and bad memories. I know that I have to face them and God willing will take the steps needed to open up to someone and let the healing begin from the inside.

I've lost a lot of things over the years and am always afraid that people will think less of me if I tell them that I am a drug addict.

I have had spans of time where I did not use alcohol or drugs but were short lived because I never get to the root of why I need to medicate myself.

A few people here know and have been very supportive and loving towards me.

My heart aches for all of you as I totally understand that even though certain things may have happened a long time ago it still seems like yesterday and the black hole never gets filled.

Bless you all and please say a prayer for me that I get this bed, I feel that my life depends on it.

[mvir9]

gemini:

I am so sorry -- it is a difficult path that you are on, and I absolutely applaud your efforts, and I sincerely hope that you get the bed, and as soon as possible.

We all deal with our demons differently, but I hope that you can find a place within yourself where you are defeating them.

My thoughts are with you.

[astromynx]

:hugs: gemini lion.

I'm praying you get that bed.

[gemini lion]

Thanks guys. :hugs:

I got a bed thank god! My aunt and uncle are coming to get me to take me there.

Hopefully I will be posting here in a few days and feeling much better.

[astromynx]

Thanks guys. :hugs:

I got a bed thank god! My aunt and uncle are coming to get me to take me there.

Hopefully I will be posting here in a few days and feeling much better.


Yay! It sounds like you are in for a rough ride, but you can do it....sending positive energy your way that you stay stay strong and that the new drug works. This is one rough ride that is well worth the bumps. Hugs to you.

[Morrigan]

You'll be in my thought's gemini lion :hugs:

[TAWANDA]

I am not sure if I should even write this and out myself this way but maybe I can help someone else in some way if I do.

I am at this moment waiting for a bed in a detox unit, my 2nd detox in 6 months for opiate abuse.

After my first detox, the methadone wore off I got really sick and picked up again. Now I know maybe I should have just sucked it up but at the time I was terrified because withdrawals are horrible, you can't even imagine. (or maybe you can)

And so now I am going to try again using a different drug that will help me to stay clean and not get sick.

It's been a very long road for me for many years with drugs and alcohol in an attempt to block out feelings and bad memories. I know that I have to face them and God willing will take the steps needed to open up to someone and let the healing begin from the inside.

I've lost a lot of things over the years and am always afraid that people will think less of me if I tell them that I am a drug addict.

I have had spans of time where I did not use alcohol or drugs but were short lived because I never get to the root of why I need to medicate myself.

A few people here know and have been very supportive and loving towards me.

My heart aches for all of you as I totally understand that even though certain things may have happened a long time ago it still seems like yesterday and the black hole never gets filled.

Bless you all and please say a prayer for me that I get this bed, I feel that my life depends on it.


Bless your heart. That took amazing strength to post. While I can't imagine the drug addiction, I do know pain and I know first hand that misery. I can't judge you for the drug use because there's been many a day I'd have rather covered it all up too. While that is easy to see, I do hope you're able to recover from the drug use and know that when you do, we're still here for you.

[Twinkles]

You'll be in my thoughts and prayers gemini lion.

I'm glad to hear, you're taking the necessary steps to help yourself. Wishing you lots of strength & courage to beat your drug addiction.

((( Big Hug! ))) :hugs:

[tearek]

You can do it. Withdrawal is hard. Jail and prison is harder. Mental institutions are harder. Death is harder. ONE STEP AT A TIME. Do what they tell you. Stay in rehab as long as YOU need to. Do NOT get mixed up in the bullsh*t that goes on there (and it goes on there, trust me). Listen to the councilors and such. Grin and bear it. The first month is hard. The first YEAR is hard. The first 5 years are hard. BUT IT CAN BE DONE. "Nothing changes if nothing changes". YOU have to change. The drugs will always be the same. The junkies too. If you make it that first day, you can do 2. When you make it that first month, you can do 2. When you make it that first year, you can do 2.

My name is Teare and I'm an addict/alcoholic. I just celebrated 11 years clean and sober.

Oh, to fit into the OP. I am a survivor. I rule my life. Not what happened to me. I decide what bothers me and I'll be damned if I let some jerk ruin my life over that. What happened to me makes me fearful for my children but I will NOT let them live with my fears. I will teach them to be more cautious, to come to me no matter what. And I pray every night that they are kept from harm.

I am not sure if I should even write this and out myself this way but maybe I can help someone else in some way if I do.

I am at this moment waiting for a bed in a detox unit, my 2nd detox in 6 months for opiate abuse.

After my first detox, the methadone wore off I got really sick and picked up again. Now I know maybe I should have just sucked it up but at the time I was terrified because withdrawals are horrible, you can't even imagine. (or maybe you can)

And so now I am going to try again using a different drug that will help me to stay clean and not get sick.

It's been a very long road for me for many years with drugs and alcohol in an attempt to block out feelings and bad memories. I know that I have to face them and God willing will take the steps needed to open up to someone and let the healing begin from the inside.

I've lost a lot of things over the years and am always afraid that people will think less of me if I tell them that I am a drug addict.

I have had spans of time where I did not use alcohol or drugs but were short lived because I never get to the root of why I need to medicate myself.

A few people here know and have been very supportive and loving towards me.

My heart aches for all of you as I totally understand that even though certain things may have happened a long time ago it still seems like yesterday and the black hole never gets filled.

Bless you all and please say a prayer for me that I get this bed, I feel that my life depends on it.

[deborah62]

My thoughts and prayers are with you.




I am not sure if I should even write this and out myself this way but maybe I can help someone else in some way if I do.

I am at this moment waiting for a bed in a detox unit, my 2nd detox in 6 months for opiate abuse.

After my first detox, the methadone wore off I got really sick and picked up again. Now I know maybe I should have just sucked it up but at the time I was terrified because withdrawals are horrible, you can't even imagine. (or maybe you can)

And so now I am going to try again using a different drug that will help me to stay clean and not get sick.

It's been a very long road for me for many years with drugs and alcohol in an attempt to block out feelings and bad memories. I know that I have to face them and God willing will take the steps needed to open up to someone and let the healing begin from the inside.

I've lost a lot of things over the years and am always afraid that people will think less of me if I tell them that I am a drug addict.

I have had spans of time where I did not use alcohol or drugs but were short lived because I never get to the root of why I need to medicate myself.

A few people here know and have been very supportive and loving towards me.

My heart aches for all of you as I totally understand that even though certain things may have happened a long time ago it still seems like yesterday and the black hole never gets filled.

Bless you all and please say a prayer for me that I get this bed, I feel that my life depends on it.

[webgirl256]

Gemini lion stay strong and take care.. The road in life is a winding one as each of us know very well here but there is a definite light at the end so keep fighting through it all. As long as you believe in yourself I firmly believe that you can overcome anything.:hugs:

[gemini lion]

You can do it. Withdrawal is hard. Jail and prison is harder. Mental institutions are harder. Death is harder. ONE STEP AT A TIME. Do what they tell you. Stay in rehab as long as YOU need to. Do NOT get mixed up in the bullsh*t that goes on there (and it goes on there, trust me). Listen to the councilors and such. Grin and bear it. The first month is hard. The first YEAR is hard. The first 5 years are hard. BUT IT CAN BE DONE. "Nothing changes if nothing changes". YOU have to change. The drugs will always be the same. The junkies too. If you make it that first day, you can do 2. When you make it that first month, you can do 2. When you make it that first year, you can do 2.

My name is Teare and I'm an addict/alcoholic. I just celebrated 11 years clean and sober.

Oh, to fit into the OP. I am a survivor. I rule my life. Not what happened to me. I decide what bothers me and I'll be damned if I let some jerk ruin my life over that. What happened to me makes me fearful for my children but I will NOT let them live with my fears. I will teach them to be more cautious, to come to me no matter what. And I pray every night that they are kept from harm.

This is not my first go round in detox or rehab. I've also done the institutions. I am a old hat at this crap.

I've also had years of clean time so i do know what to do...it's when I stop going to meetings and not taking suggestions and such that I back slide.

I've already hooked up an intensive out patient program that will deal with everything. I went straight there from detox (which was today) and the nights I am not there I will be at a meeting and will be getting a sponsor. I've gone through the steps but again it's my will that starts to take over after some time. Believe me...I am really sick and tired of it all.

I am doing a suboxone taper and will be finished with it in 12 days.

Thank you so much everyone for your kind words and well wishes. I will finally be dealing with my abuse issues..I am so ready.

Love you guys!!!

[mvir9]

This is not my first go round in detox or rehab. I've also done the institutions. I am a old hat at this crap.

I've also had years of clean time so i do know what to do...it's when I stop going to meetings and not taking suggestions and such that I back slide.

I've already hooked up an intensive out patient program that will deal with everything. I went straight there from detox (which was today) and the nights I am not there I will be at a meeting and will be getting a sponsor. I've gone through the steps but again it's my will that starts to take over after some time. Believe me...I am really sick and tired of it all.

I am doing a suboxone taper and will be finished with it in 12 days.

Thank you so much everyone for your kind words and well wishes. I will finally be dealing with my abuse issues..I am so ready.

Love you guys!!!

That is WONDERFUL news. I swear, I can hear your backbone in your words. Congratulations -- and best of luck to you. If you ever need to talk, I'm a PM away.

[astromynx]

This is not my first go round in detox or rehab. I've also done the institutions. I am a old hat at this crap.

I've also had years of clean time so i do know what to do...it's when I stop going to meetings and not taking suggestions and such that I back slide.

I've already hooked up an intensive out patient program that will deal with everything. I went straight there from detox (which was today) and the nights I am not there I will be at a meeting and will be getting a sponsor. I've gone through the steps but again it's my will that starts to take over after some time. Believe me...I am really sick and tired of it all.

I am doing a suboxone taper and will be finished with it in 12 days.

Thank you so much everyone for your kind words and well wishes. I will finally be dealing with my abuse issues..I am so ready.

Love you guys!!!

I'm so glad to see you have a solid plan in place to get better, and you sound so determined to make it work. You are still in my thoughts. Hugs!

[Morrigan]

I've had you on my mind!!! It's nice to know that your trying to wrestle this bull to the ground. I wish you all the strength in the world and I hope that you know that we're all pulling for you. :grouphug: Love you too gemini lion!

[delilya]

This is not my first go round in detox or rehab. I've also done the institutions. I am a old hat at this crap.

I've also had years of clean time so i do know what to do...it's when I stop going to meetings and not taking suggestions and such that I back slide.

I've already hooked up an intensive out patient program that will deal with everything. I went straight there from detox (which was today) and the nights I am not there I will be at a meeting and will be getting a sponsor. I've gone through the steps but again it's my will that starts to take over after some time. Believe me...I am really sick and tired of it all.

I am doing a suboxone taper and will be finished with it in 12 days.

Thank you so much everyone for your kind words and well wishes. I will finally be dealing with my abuse issues..I am so ready.

Love you guys!!!

You are in our thoughts and prayers.

[FLSportsMom]

HUGE hugs to Joanie :hugs: and everyone in this thread. I'm starting to think that just about eveyone has suffered some form of abuse or hell.

[Captain Nemo]

the dreams are back.
mayby i'm learning something slowly somehow because they arent as devastating to me as they used to be.
-----------------------
for a while i was going to a particular bar because i thought i saw "him " there once.
i'd sit drinking and planning my revenge.
never saw "him " again.
i don't go anymore because i know i would'nt do anything.
mayby this is also progress.
--------------
be well ,be happy all
:captain:

[webgirl256]

Just thinking about everyone today.. I hope you are all doing ok :hugs:

[gemini lion]

Just wanted to pop in and say hello to everyone. I've been really busy and haven't been on much but that doesn't mean I wasn't thinking about you all...:hugs:

[astromynx]

Just wanted to pop in and say hello to everyone. I've been really busy and haven't been on much but that doesn't mean I wasn't thinking about you all...:hugs:

:wavy::hugs:

[TAWANDA]

Just wanted to pop in and say hello to everyone. I've been really busy and haven't been on much but that doesn't mean I wasn't thinking about you all...:hugs:


same here, hope everyone is okay

[StarbucksAddict]

Re-opening thread for posting...

[Captain Nemo]

i thank you star bucks addict .
even though this thread was neglected i feel that those who were hurt appreciate this thread
and may return .
tonite i'll tell the beginning of my story .
i was 9 years old according to my memory ( pretty close ) way back in 1968 ppl didn't worry too much .
my mother got a gym membership ( wheatridge colorado ) (american gym ) i am specic in the city n place i m unsure why - it is too late for justice.
i was really relaxing in a deserted swimming pool .
i can relive it as if it were yesterday .
he played with me as i was dreaming with my eyes shut and my mind drifting .
when i became aware ( i didn't know what a erection was or that i had one , likely due to the cold water )
for a meek mild little kid it was not hard to get me to obey and follow him .:attention

[Captain Nemo]

i chickened out .
never could tell the whole story.
i guess i am still a victim .
i like to think that with each word no matter how minor about what happened makes me stronger , .
i have a dream , probably won't come to reality , to go beyond myself ,my reality , into law enforcement and help to put the bad ppl in jail .
nice fantasy huh ?

[Twinkles]

Just wondering how everyone has been doing?

Hugs to Nemo, too! :hugs:

[Captain Nemo]

Just wondering how everyone has been doing?

Hugs to Nemo, too! :hugs:

lol u put me separate because this is a survivor group tee hee.
thank you for thinking about me.
i am doing pretty good and i hope all are doing good , gooder , and goodest .

[Captain Nemo]

many of tou have said theyr'e sadnesses here .
i am happy you are doing ok .
i am still in growth .
i did a thread on this years n years ago .
thanks to you i now ressurect it , at least in part
it has taken about a tear and a half to find a past thread of my thoughts .
"tear was not a mispelling ".
i'll begin this with "ode to a sex offender "
ode to a sex offender
Because of you
I never stray too far from the sidewalk
Because of you
I learned to play on the safe side
So I don't get hurt
Because of you
I find it hard to trust
Not only me, but everyone around me
Because of you
I am afraid

I lose my way
I can not cry
Because it is weakness in my eyes
I'm forced to fake a smile, a laugh
Every day of my life
My heart can't possibly break
When it wasn't even whole to start with

Because of you
I never stray too far from the sidewalk
Because of you
I learned to play on the safe side
So I don't get hurt
Because of you
I find it hard to trust
Not only me, but everyone around me
Because of you
I am afraid

I want you to die
I hope you cry
Every night in your sleep
I was so young
You should have known better than to do those things to me
You never thought of anyone else
You just saw your pain
And now I cry
In the middle of the night
For the same damn thing

Because of you
I never stray too far from the sidewalk
Because of you
I learned to play on the safe side
So I don't get hurt
Because of you
I tried my hardest just to forget everything
Because of you
I don't know how to let anyone else in
Because of you
I'm ashamed of my life because it's empty
Because of you
I am afraid

[Morrigan]

I pray that the man that caused you such pain suffer the same, 10 fold, for all eternity. I have you in my prayers nemo. I wish you peace and comfort. :hugs: I've got to turn in now, just know your voice was heard. nite...

[delilya]

:hugs: Hang in there Nemo. My thoughts and prayers are with you.

My abusers have passed on now. They've had their punishment, if not here on Earth.

[Hotmama]

Nemo-
You are very brave. You don't have to tell anything you are not comfortable with. What little you said about it made me hurt and want to hug you and tell you that it's okay now.

Every time I hear Because Of You, I think of my dad.
Yes, my own biological father who was a deputy sheriff scarred me for life.

The bad part is when I am with my husband (and I love him so much) and I have flashbacks. We have been together for over 20 years now and I can finally not feel dirty when we are together.

It took a lot to write this so bear with me.
To this day I think to myself, why did he choose me, his own baby girl?
Will I feel any relief when he is dead?

[webgirl256]

I just feel like giving out a :hugs: for anyone down and thinking about things and to you my friend Nemo.. :hugs:

[inspiringmind]

I am going out to do some Christmas shopping, but when I get back I will talk about what happened to me.

[inspiringmind]

Okay back. I have not really read any of the thread to much, but I wanted to say that I understand. When I was a child I was sexually abused by my grandfather. I had it "verified" by my Dad. But it was the 70's and 80's so it was a time when people didn't really talk about things like that. I am in therapy now and still have "hang ups" about certain things regarding sex. It still makes me the person I am today though.

Hugs to us all :hugs:

[TAWANDA]

Sedelia Missouri, March 1970 a little boy only two years old died of child abuse. The next morning when I went to wake him up, I got screamed at because he wouldn't wake up. Come to find out he was dead before I knew what dead was. I was four. We were about to celebrate his 3rd birthday party in two weeks. Autopsy said SIDS and Asphyixiation of stomach contents. Coroner is dead and his records were burned. Still in a shallow little grave, there sits some hinges and proof of where a wooden box once was that held the body of my only full blooded brother.

Oh how many Christmases we've missed and birthdays too. We have so much to catch up on. Every day I fill my days with some sort of volunteerism. That act alone, holds my mind in check and allows me to get through hours of what has seemed like an endless life without my playmate/brother.

I'm okay but tonight, I am thinking of all the families packed up and ready to go to relatives and I miss him......or yet maybe I miss the things I've imagined we would do if he were alive. If anyone lights a candle this Christmas, please light one for my brother...or two for both of us.....as there are some days I'm not sure which side of the grave I need to be on.

[delilya]

Nemo-
You are very brave. You don't have to tell anything you are not comfortable with. What little you said about it made me hurt and want to hug you and tell you that it's okay now.

Every time I hear Because Of You, I think of my dad.
Yes, my own biological father who was a deputy sheriff scarred me for life.

The bad part is when I am with my husband (and I love him so much) and I have flashbacks. We have been together for over 20 years now and I can finally not feel dirty when we are together.

It took a lot to write this so bear with me.
To this day I think to myself, why did he choose me, his own baby girl?
Will I feel any relief when he is dead?

Yes, you will feel relief when he is dead. Along with anger all over again. Or at least that is what happened with me.

Hugs to us all.

[Hotmama]

I picture myself seeing him one last time, when he is done breathing. I don't care to be in the same room with him til then. I won't waste a tear I don't think. If I cry it won't be for him, it will be for the father I wish he had been.
I picture his newer family crying and upset because they lost what they thought was a great man. There is a part of me that wants to tell them how great he really was. I guess that would be wrong of me?
More than likely I wouldn't say a word and just make sure he is really in that box and breathe a sigh of relief.
I do wonder if he ever felt guilty.

[Hotmama]

Tawanda
Bless your heart. I don't know what you believe happens after life here, but I do think you and your brother will reunite and have eternity to catch up and be together.
I am so sorry for your pain. I try to never preach but just say what is in my heart.

After a nasty custody battle, my brother and I were split apart. I missed him SO much. At least I saw him again and we are close now. When I told him what happened with our dad and told him I cried for him all the time, he lost it. He stays away from him and has never let him be alone with his daughter.

You are brave to talk about it, like others here. I think it helps.

[delilya]

Sedelia Missouri, March 1970 a little boy only two years old died of child abuse. The next morning when I went to wake him up, I got screamed at because he wouldn't wake up. Come to find out he was dead before I knew what dead was. I was four. We were about to celebrate his 3rd birthday party in two weeks. Autopsy said SIDS and Asphyixiation of stomach contents. Coroner is dead and his records were burned. Still in a shallow little grave, there sits some hinges and proof of where a wooden box once was that held the body of my only full blooded brother.

Oh how many Christmases we've missed and birthdays too. We have so much to catch up on. Every day I fill my days with some sort of volunteerism. That act alone, holds my mind in check and allows me to get through hours of what has seemed like an endless life without my playmate/brother.

I'm okay but tonight, I am thinking of all the families packed up and ready to go to relatives and I miss him......or yet maybe I miss the things I've imagined we would do if he were alive. If anyone lights a candle this Christmas, please light one for my brother...or two for both of us.....as there are some days I'm not sure which side of the grave I need to be on.

Sending extra hugs and prayers your way. I know this is a difficult time for you.

[delilya]

I picture myself seeing him one last time, when he is done breathing. I don't care to be in the same room with him til then. I won't waste a tear I don't think. If I cry it won't be for him, it will be for the father I wish he had been.
I picture his newer family crying and upset because they lost what they thought was a great man. There is a part of me that wants to tell them how great he really was. I guess that would be wrong of me?
More than likely I wouldn't say a word and just make sure he is really in that box and breathe a sigh of relief.
I do wonder if he ever felt guilty.

I ended up caretaker for the grandfather and uncle who molested me. It was not an easy thing to do. There was a lot of relief knowing they would never touch another little girl. I believe they both found God before they passed. I don't know if I hope they were forgiven.

[Captain Nemo]

my christmas wish is for all who have to victims to learn to be survivors.:grouphug:

[PGRIFF]

Okay back. I have not really read any of the thread to much, but I wanted to say that I understand. When I was a child I was sexually abused by my grandfather. I had it "verified" by my Dad. But it was the 70's and 80's so it was a time when people didn't really talk about things like that. I am in therapy now and still have "hang ups" about certain things regarding sex. It still makes me the person I am today though.

Hugs to us all :hugs:

in the 50's if we talked about it we got in trouble - don't air our dirty laundry in public !! my mom said . although I feel she kinda tried she did not know how to protect herself let alone her children. I think it happened to her growing up and it was just how it was. and talking about it just made it worse... I wish some kind of healing for those that have endured.