Scary Snarky toaD
March 15th, 2003, 7:54am
Or "How To Write A Completely Useless Article."
There must be job openings at Readers' Digest. I picked up the March Issue (you know the one with Kevin Is Really Spacey on the front? -- I say that as a COMPLETE fan of the man -- CLASSIC work he did in SEVEN).
Anyway the article is Accidental Fitness so you can see I am NOT making this up.
SOMEBODY spent their afternoon probably writing and rewriting this table to illustrate that if we did CERTAIN activities a WHOLE LOT, we could really get fit in lots of ways when we aren't even thinking about it.
THAT point, I get. Good point -- getting fit when you don't know it.
But I have to apply stuff to myself of course, since I have no way to force anyone else to do an exercise regime.
Ok, let's go over this list slowly.
Item #1 is Dusting. This works your Shoulders, Chest and Triceps. If you dust for an hour straight you will burn 180 calories.
WTIU (Why This Is Useless): I have Two Tables in my apartment and I would rub their respective finishes off by dusting either of them for an hour). Incidently, I need NO exercise which add ANY girth to my chest. I would prefer those body balloons shrink a bit).
#2. Storing Winter Clothes. Works your arms and legs. 255 calories an hour.
WTIU: All my winter clothes fit into one drawer. They are already in that drawer. I would have to spend a lot of time filling, dumping out and refilling the same drawer to get any good out of this exercise. I hate anything that even appears to be a Total Waste Of Time or TWOT. This is a big TWOT.
#3. Pushing a Child on a Swing. Works chest, triceps, hips, legs, back and biceps. 230 cals an hour.
WTIU: The only way I'm going to be able to push children in swings is if I offer myself as a "kid swing pusher" in a park. I can just hear a kid telling his folks, "Mom, is it ok if I talk to that big person over there who says they are a pusher?"
#4. Vaccuuming. Back, Biceps. 230 per hour. This is probably the best one yet as my house ALWAYS needs to be vaccuumed and could keep me busy for a reasonable length and do a lot of good. But envisioning the expansion of biceps and back muscles gives me the feeling I'd look a bit like Quasimodo at the end.
#5. Planting seedlings. Works forearms, wrists, triceps.
WTIU: Have you ever heard of ANYONE complain they didn't have sufficient WRIST muscles? Besides, I only have flower pots so the garden scene (as much as I love dirt) is out.
#6. Bathing Suit Shopping. Yes, I couldn't believe they used this as one of the incidental things people can do frequently to keep yourself in shape. Go to your local store and share any current STDs you have by trying on (and stretching out) all the new suits you can find!
With this fantastic exercise tip you you supposedly use your legs (walking), chest, back, & shoulders (wriggling) -- I'm not kidding, get a copy of the mag and look. 230 cals an hour.
Let's get real. The Toad would no more want to try to wriggle into a bathing suit of any size than I would attempt to fit the Titanic into a Teacup. Nuff said. Next?
#7. Window-washing. Works your chest, shoulders, back and legs. 280.
WTIU: If I worked my chest shoulders, back and legs I would look like a hairy German female linebacker (I am 1/4 German so not slinging against Germans here). At any rate, I have only 2 windows so again -- useless tip.
#8. Chasing Fireflies! (Oh yes, I left the best for last.) This is a great one. Really builds up your legs and butt. (DON'T tell me how, I have no idea. You can burn 355 cals an hour by doing it, though.
WTIU: I live in the North. There isn't a firefly for 1,000 miles to chase.
Yup, I think RD is ripe for new writers! These guys are TIRED!
:sleep: :sleep:
There must be job openings at Readers' Digest. I picked up the March Issue (you know the one with Kevin Is Really Spacey on the front? -- I say that as a COMPLETE fan of the man -- CLASSIC work he did in SEVEN).
Anyway the article is Accidental Fitness so you can see I am NOT making this up.
SOMEBODY spent their afternoon probably writing and rewriting this table to illustrate that if we did CERTAIN activities a WHOLE LOT, we could really get fit in lots of ways when we aren't even thinking about it.
THAT point, I get. Good point -- getting fit when you don't know it.
But I have to apply stuff to myself of course, since I have no way to force anyone else to do an exercise regime.
Ok, let's go over this list slowly.
Item #1 is Dusting. This works your Shoulders, Chest and Triceps. If you dust for an hour straight you will burn 180 calories.
WTIU (Why This Is Useless): I have Two Tables in my apartment and I would rub their respective finishes off by dusting either of them for an hour). Incidently, I need NO exercise which add ANY girth to my chest. I would prefer those body balloons shrink a bit).
#2. Storing Winter Clothes. Works your arms and legs. 255 calories an hour.
WTIU: All my winter clothes fit into one drawer. They are already in that drawer. I would have to spend a lot of time filling, dumping out and refilling the same drawer to get any good out of this exercise. I hate anything that even appears to be a Total Waste Of Time or TWOT. This is a big TWOT.
#3. Pushing a Child on a Swing. Works chest, triceps, hips, legs, back and biceps. 230 cals an hour.
WTIU: The only way I'm going to be able to push children in swings is if I offer myself as a "kid swing pusher" in a park. I can just hear a kid telling his folks, "Mom, is it ok if I talk to that big person over there who says they are a pusher?"
#4. Vaccuuming. Back, Biceps. 230 per hour. This is probably the best one yet as my house ALWAYS needs to be vaccuumed and could keep me busy for a reasonable length and do a lot of good. But envisioning the expansion of biceps and back muscles gives me the feeling I'd look a bit like Quasimodo at the end.
#5. Planting seedlings. Works forearms, wrists, triceps.
WTIU: Have you ever heard of ANYONE complain they didn't have sufficient WRIST muscles? Besides, I only have flower pots so the garden scene (as much as I love dirt) is out.
#6. Bathing Suit Shopping. Yes, I couldn't believe they used this as one of the incidental things people can do frequently to keep yourself in shape. Go to your local store and share any current STDs you have by trying on (and stretching out) all the new suits you can find!
With this fantastic exercise tip you you supposedly use your legs (walking), chest, back, & shoulders (wriggling) -- I'm not kidding, get a copy of the mag and look. 230 cals an hour.
Let's get real. The Toad would no more want to try to wriggle into a bathing suit of any size than I would attempt to fit the Titanic into a Teacup. Nuff said. Next?
#7. Window-washing. Works your chest, shoulders, back and legs. 280.
WTIU: If I worked my chest shoulders, back and legs I would look like a hairy German female linebacker (I am 1/4 German so not slinging against Germans here). At any rate, I have only 2 windows so again -- useless tip.
#8. Chasing Fireflies! (Oh yes, I left the best for last.) This is a great one. Really builds up your legs and butt. (DON'T tell me how, I have no idea. You can burn 355 cals an hour by doing it, though.
WTIU: I live in the North. There isn't a firefly for 1,000 miles to chase.
Yup, I think RD is ripe for new writers! These guys are TIRED!
:sleep: :sleep: