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meikman
April 20th, 2006, 2:15am
My dear friend died of cancer and less than a year her husband remarried. It took me by surprise. It actually really upset me. I thought they had a good relationship. To me it was like she didn't even matter. They had been married for about 30 years. So why the rush? Within a month of her death, her son came home to hear his Dad laughing it up with this women over the phone. Needless to say doo doo hit the fan.

Would you be upset? How long is approiate?

waiting4big1
April 20th, 2006, 2:19am
I read somewhere that people who had a happy, loving marriage actually remarry quicker than those who don't. They know what a good relationship is and aren't afraid to start another one. Also, no one can say how long one person should grieve for another. Would you want someone to dictate that to you? The dead person is gone and never coming back. It's not like a divorce where the relationship has a chance of being rekindled. Everyone should have a chance at happiness again.

viokasegirl
April 20th, 2006, 2:24am
How long was she ill? Many people go through the grieving period while their spouse is still alive, if the spouse is seriously ill for a very long time...its like they lose their spouse as they knew them, and spend a long time with this very sick "stranger" (I know I sure changed when I became ill :frown3: Major difference). Its hard to explain...

milo
April 20th, 2006, 2:32am
I've read that men remarry sooner, but one month does seem a bit short to have started a new relationship.

ELLIE277
April 20th, 2006, 2:34am
My sister passed away a year ago. Her husband remarried last October. Many people were shocked including my brother in law's family. My family however was very supportive. We want him to be happy and we want there to be a mother in the home for my sister's 6 kids. I can't say that it was easy at first, but, we know he loved my sister with all his heart. It was surprisingly easy to accept my BIL's new wife. I think it is a tribute to my sister that he was miserable without a spouse and married so quickly after she died.

Jerrysgirl
April 20th, 2006, 2:34am
Anything less then a year is a COMPLETE slap in the face of the spouse that passed away. A great sign of disrespect. It show's me for a fact that it's NOT love, but companionship that the surviving spouse needs. There are life lessons we (people) here on earth need to learn. If you don't take stock of the life you had with that person, how can you move on in a healthy state of mind. Let alone into another relationship.

meikman
April 20th, 2006, 2:34am
She had cancer 10 years prior to its return. She had it for about 2 1/2 years before claiming her life. They were saying up until about a month before her death that she would beat it and she dind't get really bad until about 3 months before.

That's what He said to me was that they were so happy and that is why he could remarry so soon. I also thought that maybe it could be part of his grieving or couping process. I don't want to begrudge him happiness. It just fells like to me that she has been replaced. Maybe I am greiving more than the lose of her but everything that came with her.

MistyNoMore
April 20th, 2006, 2:35am
Normal grief periods are up to a year. Plus, it would vary if child are involved. But, I would say at least a year would be appropriate.

SugarPeach
April 20th, 2006, 2:43am
If he's happy... who cares. Life is short, be happy.

Why pass up a great relationship because it's not 'proper'?

Although it's sad the loved one has passed, but

don't forget about his happiness.

He's happy...enough said.

tupik3702
April 20th, 2006, 2:44am
I've read the first few post and they pretty much about summed the whole situation up. I'm sure you'll hear many different points of view on this one. How long is long enough??? It would depend on each situation. Many think at least a year. Why is that? Do you think that the longer one grieves the more they loved the deceased? Do you think that the deceased really cares? What will people think? Who really cares as it's none of their business anyway. As for the children, no matter what the age, they'll have no other choice in the matter as it's not their decision to make. DH and I have an understanding that if something happens to one of us, the one that lives has the others blessing to continue to live life to the fullest as that's why we are living...to live. Now, why sure I will have respect for my husband forever. I saw this written on someone's tomb stone. "Gone, but not Forgotten"! :sherlock:

DebMarGal
April 20th, 2006, 2:47am
Anything less then a year is a COMPLETE slap in the face of the spouse that passed away. A great sign of disrespect. It show's me for a fact that it's NOT love, but companionship that the surviving spouse needs. There are life lessons we (people) here on earth need to learn. If you don't take stock of the life you had with that person, how can you move on in a healthy state of mind. Let alone into another relationship.

I dont think that we can judge and call it a slap in the face for anyone other than ourselves. Feelings, emotions, grieving - are handled different by everyone, and there is no "timeline".

And what is wrong with the surviving spouse needing companionship, especially after being with someone 30 years.

If someone has been in a successful loving relationship for 30 years, I think they have learned some important life lessons, and have taken stock of life. And one of those lessons might be that people need people.

meikman
April 20th, 2006, 2:55am
Anything less then a year is a COMPLETE slap in the face of the spouse that passed away. A great sign of disrespect. It show's me for a fact that it's NOT love, but companionship that the surviving spouse needs. There are life lessons we (people) here on earth need to learn. If you don't take stock of the life you had with that person, how can you move on in a healthy state of mind. Let alone into another relationship.

That's how I fell. Almost as if its a betrayal.

I know its about my fellings and I have no say in her husband life or how he deals with things and I really don't hold it against him. It just hurt me maybe because It really was a slap in my face that she is dead and she has been replaced.

BabyLeaps
April 20th, 2006, 3:03am
How long was she ill? Many people go through the grieving period while their spouse is still alive, if the spouse is seriously ill for a very long time...its like they lose their spouse as they knew them, and spend a long time with this very sick "stranger" (I know I sure changed when I became ill :frown3: Major difference). Its hard to explain...

This is a very smart comment, and very true. It is called pre-grieving.

When I was widowed, I met a lot of other people who had lost spouses, too. There IS no magic timeframe for people--it varied widely. Men seemed to gravitate toward relationships a bit quicker, but not always. Some people seemed desperately lonely and tried to find a new relationship right away, some couldn't get past the horror of what they'd gone through. I was widowed in my mid-30's, and deliberately decided I wanted nothing to do with men for a year after Dwayne's death, but everyone is different. (Dwayne's memorial page is http://www.currentmiddleages.org/tents/dwaynemem.html )

I'd say this---if it helps him be happy, applaud him. Loving someone new doesn't mean you disrespect the love that you lost.

When my now-husband began to date me, he asked to visit my late husband's crypt. I took him there, and had some private time at the crypt, after which my date asked for a moment alone there. He didn't tell me until later what he'd said--that he was falling in love with me, that he respected my first husband's memory, and that he'd never do anything to hurt me. The memory of him doing that still touches me deeply.
I remarried slightly less than two years after my first husband died, and there was an enormous amount of gossip and attitude about me doing that so soon after my beloved hubby's death. It is true that I often still have patches of grief that I work through, and I realize that I didn't work through them by myself before I was in my next relationship, but to me having a new wonderful love was worth having to deal with that crap later. I am very blessed that my new husband may not always UNDERSTAND what grief can be, but he is enormously supportive and not threatened by me having pics of first hubby up in the house, me talking about stuff, or me having a bad day.

Again, I'd say, don't begrudge him his new happiness. It is very possible that new happiness is the only thing that gets him out of bed in the morning...

Tanya

BabyLeaps
April 20th, 2006, 3:13am
Anything less then a year is a COMPLETE slap in the face of the spouse that passed away. A great sign of disrespect. It show's me for a fact that it's NOT love, but companionship that the surviving spouse needs. There are life lessons we (people) here on earth need to learn. If you don't take stock of the life you had with that person, how can you move on in a healthy state of mind. Let alone into another relationship.

Wow--kind of harsh....and probably a pretty common opinion. However, I'd be tempted to say that if you'd lost a spouse, you may have a slightly more lenient view.

Tanya

Jerrysgirl
April 20th, 2006, 3:14am
Wow--kind of harsh....and probably a pretty common opinion. However, I'd be tempted to say that if you'd lost a spouse, you may have a slightly more lenient view.

Tanya
I watched my Dad GO THROUGH HELL, after my Mom died.

Lupinea
April 20th, 2006, 3:23am
My dear daughter lost her husband to cancer over a year ago. In the last 5 months she met and fell in love with a wonderful man. She got a lovely ring at Christmas but is too embarrased to show people. She has gotten so many mean comments. For example, didnt..... mean anything to you? You know, sure he did, but life goes on and a year plus some months is more than enough. Personally I am so glad to have her not sitting out at the celetery every afternoon. I love her and am so glad that she is happy.

DebMarGal
April 20th, 2006, 3:24am
Another thing - just because you get married within a year does NOT mean you have stopped grieving or that you have forgotten your previous spouse.

Im willing to bet that someone who was married for 30 years will do some sort of grieving for the rest of their life, regardless of whether they have a new partner or not.

Can you imagine if your best friend died, and you didnt let another friend console you, because that would be a "betrayal" to the friend that died? That doesnt make sense.

People are able to feel empathy, sympathy, understanding, and compassion, so what is wrong with having someone who can provide that help you through those tough times? Maybe someone who has gone through that themself?

Who has dictated that grieving must be done alone in solitary?

Adding a new relationship to your life is not replacing the previous one, it is simply adding another dimension to your life.

Starting a new relationship does NOT mean one has forgotten, dismissed, or disrepsected a previous one.

You cant replace a person, a memory, a relationship, that already happened. Nothing can or will replace that.

Life is not linear like that.

BridgetF
April 20th, 2006, 3:25am
I don't feel that it is my place to judge. To each his own. I would expect my husband to remarry or become involved with someone as soon as HE was ready. (we've actually discussed this subject on a few occasions) This is LIFE not an etiquette question for Dear Abby/Ann Landers.

Life is too short to waste one single second of it being unhappy or worrying about what others think is appropriate. If someone is grieving, they aren't living their life to the fullest.

God Bless

TrinaWants2Win
April 20th, 2006, 3:39am
I had a uncle whom i was very close to passaway when I was 12/13 his wife of 20 plus years remarried within 30 days! I am STILL upset over that i just dont understand it and never will

Ladyxmess
April 20th, 2006, 3:59am
I don't feel that it is my place to judge. To each his own. I would expect my husband to remarry or become involved with someone as soon as HE was ready. (we've actually discussed this subject on a few occasions) This is LIFE not an etiquette question for Dear Abby/Ann Landers.

Life is too short to waste one single second of it being unhappy or worrying about what others think is appropriate. If someone is grieving, they aren't living their life to the fullest.

God Bless
I agree. If I was terminally ill & my Honey stood by my side, I would hope he would get out and continue life after I'm gone. I agree with Vioskagirl (sorry if I mangled your name-can't see the right spelling) also. The grieving process for terminal illness starts a long time before the death.

There is no cut & dried time-line for this. It depends on the persons maturity level & how they process their emotions.

junkspam03
April 20th, 2006, 5:09am
I had a uncle whom i was very close to passaway when I was 12/13 his wife of 20 plus years remarried within 30 days! I am STILL upset over that i just dont understand it and never will

Sorry about your loss Trina. My family had a similiar situation, so I feel for you. In this case, it was my aunt who died in a car accident, and the uncle had someone move in with him after 2 months. This "someone" was my aunt's cousin, whom she was angry at for always flirting with the uncle at family get-togethers. I feel disgusted and angry that he replaced her, and in such a "Jerry Springer" way.
I think 1 or 2 months isn't long enough, but there isn't a mandatory 1 year rule either. To each their own, I guess.

jofo3511
April 20th, 2006, 6:18am
Anything less then a year is a COMPLETE slap in the face of the spouse that passed away. A great sign of disrespect. It show's me for a fact that it's NOT love, but companionship that the surviving spouse needs. There are life lessons we (people) here on earth need to learn. If you don't take stock of the life you had with that person, how can you move on in a healthy state of mind. Let alone into another relationship.

That is how my mother felt when my dad died. It was almost 36 years ago. She also wore black for a year. Italian tradition I do believe.

Not that I agree with that. She finally remarried after 17 years & boy were we happy. :smile9:

TabooU
April 20th, 2006, 6:38am
Going through a death of a loved one leaves you emotionally vulnerable and lonely. Being in that state and having someone reach out to you makes you extremely greatful. I doubt his intention was disrespect.

EvilEvie
April 20th, 2006, 6:44am
My wedding vows said "...until death do us part." Not death PLUS 6 months, or a year, or two years. How you treat your spouse or he/she has treated you while living is what is important. Each person has their own needs, feelings, and timeline for grief. For others to judge what is right for that person is simply wrong. How wonderful for the living person to find another love or maybe just companionship. That has nothing to do with the past. It's not a "slap in the face" to either the deceased person or others. It's simply another chapter in life and I would hope true friends and sincerely caring family members would be happy for their friend/relative.

Kelly82
April 20th, 2006, 7:10am
Remarrying in less than a year sounds a little fast to me. Especially if the couple was in love when one of them passed away.

But some people I know are the type that NEED to be with a partner. They can't cope with being single and alone. Maybe this man is that way?

Armywife5
April 20th, 2006, 7:10am
I wouldn't think there is a specific timeline. DH has told me that if anything happened to him, he'd want me to move on with my life and if I did eventually meet someone that he would want me to be happy. Personally, I wouldn't for awhile...that's just me.

MrsM
April 20th, 2006, 7:23am
Anything less then a year is a COMPLETE slap in the face of the spouse that passed away. A great sign of disrespect. It show's me for a fact that it's NOT love, but companionship that the surviving spouse needs. There are life lessons we (people) here on earth need to learn. If you don't take stock of the life you had with that person, how can you move on in a healthy state of mind. Let alone into another relationship.

I agree 100%! I couldn't even imagine only waiting a year. First thing I think of, is they must have been cheating for a long time before the person died, if they got married just like that afterwards. Totally wrong in my opinion.

gemini lion
April 20th, 2006, 7:42am
If he's happy... who cares. Life is short, be happy.

Why pass up a great relationship because it's not 'proper'?

Although it's sad the loved one has passed, but

don't forget about his happiness.

He's happy...enough said.


I agree. I don't think it means he loved his wife any less.

bildstein1
April 20th, 2006, 7:45am
I agree 100%! I couldn't even imagine only waiting a year. First thing I think of, is they must have been cheating for a long time before the person died, if they got married just like that afterwards. Totally wrong in my opinion.

My neighbor's wife died of Breast Cancer. In 7 mo. he remarried a girl from high school. Just found out he 's no. 5. She has took off to Texas because the feds are after her for tax and fraud evasion. She has 3 lawsuits from Hubbies no. 3,4,5. She left with 28,000 of his money. I told him he was greiving and on the REBOUND but to no avail before he married her. But he would not listen he was so stricken with grief he was looking for anything to make himself happy. When I was 12 my grandfather died, My grandmother was 48 and drop dead gorgous. Alot of men tried to date her but she never did. She said ("Once you had the best, what's the use?") Till the day she passed at 72 she never dated or remarried. I've been married 21 yrs. I know in my heart I would never remarry if my wife passed but's that's me. Besides when and if I see her in heaven, what would I say ( Here's no.2 Honey I missed you) Ha Ha . She'd be waitin with a baseball bat for my butt the little minx. :jump: :jump:

MrsM
April 20th, 2006, 7:59am
I agree. I don't think it means he loved his wife any less.

I do. It's totally disrespectful....there are other family members involved. Maybe they should think about them too, besides themselves, and how they would feel.

serendipity
April 20th, 2006, 8:04am
If he's happy... who cares. Life is short, be happy.

Why pass up a great relationship because it's not 'proper'?

Although it's sad the loved one has passed, but

don't forget about his happiness.

He's happy...enough said.
my feelings exactly. if i died i wouldnt want my hubby to go get remarried within a week but a few months is alright. i would want him to be happy and taken care of. by someone who loves him and who could love my kids

kmesh
April 20th, 2006, 8:18am
Anything less then a year is a COMPLETE slap in the face of the spouse that passed away. A great sign of disrespect. It show's me for a fact that it's NOT love, but companionship that the surviving spouse needs. There are life lessons we (people) here on earth need to learn. If you don't take stock of the life you had with that person, how can you move on in a healthy state of mind. Let alone into another relationship.


You're kidding me, right? I have a real problem with people who believe that!

My grandfather dearly loved my grandmother- have been together since high school.
My grandmother got very sick in Dec. 2001 and passed away a week later. They had only been apart a couple of times in over 50 years, and that was for business trips!

My grandfather was so miserably lonely that I couldn't fall asleep at night thinking about him all alone!

When he asked our permission to go on a "date" 3 months after grandma passed, you don't know how excited I was! and then, 4 months later, he was remarried! :cheer7:

You could die tomorrow- why wait a year if you have found someone you enjoy being with?

I think that you are very wrong :frown3: - but you're entitled to your opinion!

kmesh
April 20th, 2006, 8:23am
my grandmothers family has welcomed my grandfathers new wife (I say new, but it's been almost 5 years:). She comes to all the family events from grandmas side, and everyone just loves her!

alis_mom
April 20th, 2006, 8:30am
I'm in Marriage & Family class but I couldn't find anything in my textbook about that, just that ppl should wait 2 years before getting married. But yes, men do remarry sooner than women. I've taking Death & Dying class too, but I don't recall anything about remarrying time either.

IMO - I think it depends on the individual. The grieving process doesn't always start when their loved one passes; if they were terminally ill, then that is when the grieving process could've started. Like I said, it depends on the person. It doesn't mean they didn't love or respect their spouse/partner that passed away. Plus, try to look at it from their shoes, although it's hard if you've never felt that loss personally.

quiltfisher
April 20th, 2006, 8:51am
I don't agree with the better the relationship/the shorter the grief period... My husband and I and loved each other more than words could ever reveal.

I was 34 when my husband died, I'm now 50. I've never remarried nor will I. Frank was my heart and soul. Initially I didn't have time to even consider dating, I had a career I had to continue and a 9 year old son to raise to the best of my ability. After that, well, I just never got around to it. I had become comfortable in my house, with no man around, doing things for myself, doing what I wanted when I wanted. Opportunities presented themselves but I chose not to pursue any of them.

I am content with myself and my life, I'm alone but not lonely. Everyone differs significantly. I've noticed that men tend to remarry, perhaps because they cannot endure being alone again, I don't know. I don't dwell on Frank's sudden passing, but it does have it's moments. I'll love him til the day I die. Then we'll be together again.

But, to each his/her own.

slylady
April 20th, 2006, 8:53am
My son died a few years ago from Cancer. My DIL has not remarried but is living with a man. At first I felt hurt but the guy came up to me and said he wasn't there to replace my son and that my son will always be remembered and loved. "They" (whoever "they" are) say you should wait for four seasons before making any decisions. I believe that is true. I also believe that unless we walk in others' shoes, we cannot judge.

meeeee
April 20th, 2006, 8:53am
It is staticical that men remarry faster than women because of the need of a partner to care for them. If you sister did alot for him there was a huge void to fill and to stand on his own was proably very hard for him. It is what he feels comfortable with the wear black for a year thing is out of date. Trying looking at it from your sister cared for him so well he could do without someone

lassss
April 20th, 2006, 8:54am
I disagree...my BF's wife died of cancer in Jan of 2002 and we met in August of 2002, I moved in with him in Jan of 2005 and we are in the process of getting his house ready to sell so we can buy one together. And there is talk of marriage down the line, just not yet as we have so much on our plate with kids, looking for a house etc.

People moved at different speeds. My BF was lonely and wanted companionship, he wanted to move on with life and he was ready. He loves his wife dearly and always visits the cemetary with his daughters and I encourage it.


Anything less then a year is a COMPLETE slap in the face of the spouse that passed away. A great sign of disrespect. It show's me for a fact that it's NOT love, but companionship that the surviving spouse needs. There are life lessons we (people) here on earth need to learn. If you don't take stock of the life you had with that person, how can you move on in a healthy state of mind. Let alone into another relationship.

Tarah716
April 20th, 2006, 8:57am
You can't really tell someone how long they MUST wait before picking up the peices again. You knew these people better than any of us, you say they had a happy relationship. Maybe she gave her blessing while alive for him to find happiness again. Even if she didn't, do you think she'd want him to mope around forever mourning someone who would never be there physically again? I wouldn't. I'd want my husband to find happiness again, to see that smile on his face again. I'm dead, he's not. Why should his life come to a screeching halt for a set period of time?

If she was still alive I'm sure he would still be with her and devoted to her - but she's not and he has moved on. That doesn't mean he doesn't love her still - and I'm sure the lady he married is aware that he had a great love leave him, maybe she's been through the same thing.

I would be happy for him, he's found happiness in a very sad time in his life. Get to know the new wife, maybe you two will hit it off too? Who knows, maybe your friend sent him into his life from up above? Maybe she WANTED him to be with someone else.

I'm sorry you lost your friend - that's so hard. :gvibes:

ky2here
April 20th, 2006, 9:02am
supportive friends. i'd be happy that she's found happiness.

pookeboo007
April 20th, 2006, 9:09am
Your story sounds like my dad. My mom was dying of cancer and my dad would get her medicne at a local pharmacy. Low and behold my dad began having an affair with a clerk there (at the time I did not know). I would be there taking care of my mom and my dad would leave daily and return after 2:00pm. Come to find out that is when she went to work. I was very close to my mother and it was a very painful time for me. My mom died on September 15th and by Thankgiving he wanted her to be invited to all the events. I did not accept her very well and was not ready for it. She convinced my dad to have nothing to do with me. She also has my moms antiques in her home which were heirlooms from my moms side of the family that should have went to me and all my moms momentos. She is one selfish woman. The sick part is that her previous husband was driven to shoot himself in the head on New Years the previous year. I can see why she is a control freak. What kind of woman makes you choose between your children and her playing on his greiving emotions? They were married eight months after my mother died.

tiffnat
April 20th, 2006, 9:15am
my mother remarried after 40+ years of marriage less than a year later to a man that she met at a church grief counciling meeting.-his wife had died 3 months before and they were married 50+ years-it is a little hard to understand-but it worked for them

CAmom
April 20th, 2006, 11:12am
It does seem that men remarry quicker than women. This is not meant to be a man bashing thing but, there are some men particularly of my parent's generation who were completely taken care of by their wives. They never cooked, they never cleaned, they didn't do laundry and these men seem to be particularly frightened to be alone. They often went straight to their wives from their mommas and they don't know how to be alone.

Women are alot more self sufficient in the day to day survival and if she is able to support herself she is much more reluctant to go find a man. JMHO

dandylin
April 20th, 2006, 11:13am
Men don't tend to deal well with being alone and marry much faster than women after the death of a spouse.

DebMarGal
April 20th, 2006, 11:21am
I do. It's totally disrespectful....there are other family members involved. Maybe they should think about them too, besides themselves, and how they would feel.

Disrespectul to who? The deceased spouse, or the living relatives?

Just because we dont like what someone else decides to do, doesnt make it about "us".

If my mom died - what if my brother and I have completely different opinions as to when my dad should start dating? Should we vote? Who should my dad risk "disrespecting"? Me or my brother?

Who gives us the right to say "dad, you must suffer alone, and if you don't, that is a slap in the face to us".

The living spouse is NEVER going to please all the surviving friends and relatives, nor should they try to. Especially during a time like that, when OTHER people have their own different timelines of grief, there are going to be too many raw emotions.

I mean, JUST CHECK OUT THIS THREAD. If somehow, everyone at OLS were related to the deceased person - our family would now be ripped apart because of everyones judgemental attitudes. How is that good for anyone?

The living spouse is not "doing anything to anyone".

They are simply trying to live their life the best way possible during a very difficult period.

Is there no compassion for what the living spouse might be going through??

The bottom line is - we need to decide FOR OURSELVES what is best for ourself.

Andie
April 20th, 2006, 11:30am
You're kidding me, right? I have a real problem with people who believe that!

My grandfather dearly loved my grandmother- have been together since high school.
My grandmother got very sick in Dec. 2001 and passed away a week later. They had only been apart a couple of times in over 50 years, and that was for business trips!

My grandfather was so miserably lonely that I couldn't fall asleep at night thinking about him all alone!

When he asked our permission to go on a "date" 3 months after grandma passed, you don't know how excited I was! and then, 4 months later, he was remarried! :cheer7:

You could die tomorrow- why wait a year if you have found someone you enjoy being with?

I think that you are very wrong :frown3: - but you're entitled to your opinion!

My story is similar. My grandma was sick for awhile and grandpa was by her side every second. When she passed away he started spending time with my grandma's SIL and then ended up falling in love and moved in together within a couple of months (didn't get married). But they were happy and they did go to grandma's grave each week and also had her picture in the living room. I don't feel that Grandpa tried to replace her. Some of the family was mad and quit talking to him and really it was their loss....

Inkyskeeper
April 20th, 2006, 11:43am
maybe it was HER dieing wish for him to be happy again and move on after shes gone, you dont know that.

If i was dieing and my husband was there for me all that time i would want him to move on and be happy once im gone..id be worried if he didnt.

Maprinces3
April 20th, 2006, 11:44am
My husbands Uncle's (he married his aunt) sister was married her sisters husband after the sister passed away from breast cancer one year and one day after the death...

venus_de_milo
April 20th, 2006, 11:44am
What I think is appalling are the people who are so vehemently against getting remarried in under a year. :worry:

As long as the relationship started after the spouse died (meaning, no extramarital affair involved) then I don't really think it matters to anyone else except the two people involved. I can see how some people would never want to remarry, and I can see how some people would want to remarry right away.

friday
April 20th, 2006, 11:45am
My grandfather remarried about a year after my grandmother died, they had been married for almost 50 blissfully happy years. He was in his 70's when he remarried, and the woman he married had also been with her husband for a long while. She unfortunately passed away a year and a half ago from cancer. He's now in his late 80's. I know everyone was a little upset about it, but we think he just needed to be with a partner. WHen he passes, he will still be laid to rest with my grandmother, as his 2nd wife was laid to rest with her husband. Sometimes I feel like it was a really great friendship, and that they needed each other.

AmberMoon
April 20th, 2006, 11:52am
My dad also died of cancer and within 6 months my mother was remarried living in a new state and my stepdad and my mom have been married going on 25 years. at the time i was 10 so i didnt understand it but now i wouldnt change it for the world my mother is happy and loves my step dad. He is a good man to her.

While i am also sure now as a adult looking back my real dad would have wanted it that way, Why should my mother have to suffer any more then she did while my father was dying slowly. She shouldnt have had to suffer a minute longer

I think it depends on each person but be supporitive and let them get on with thier lives, life is short to be waiting around because some people think the spouse should mourn for year or more..

natisrents
April 20th, 2006, 11:53am
my mother passed away almost 3 years ago. she had battled cancer for many years. She remarried in 2001, to a man who knew she had cancer(and they had dated for a couple years). He claimed he loved her and wanted to be with her regardless of her condition.

Of course we had all become pretty close. When my mom got really bad, my husband and I were there for both of them. My mom's husband's family hardly ever went to see them, even though his family lived closer to them than we did(we lived an hour and a half away). My mom asked us a couple months before she passed away to "look after her husband once she was gone," which we did. (he was/is diabetic and didn't take care of himself like he should) We drove out there several times a week for the first month after she passed away. Again, his daughters/family barely came out. 2 months after my mom passed away, my "step-father" told me he was seeing someone. They got married 6 months, 2 days after my mom passed away. I felt like my mother had meant nothing to him. What's worse, he repeatedly told me that I was like a daughter to him, and always would be. His new wife also was always saying she knew we were a part of his life, so on and so forth.... He pretty much has forgotten we exist. I've sent cards inviting him to my kids birthday parties, my husband sent an invitation to my pinning (for nursing school), we've made sure THEY have our address, phone number, and cell phone numbers, but we haven't heard from him since Feb. of 2005!

It makes me mad for 2 reasons.... 1) He has my mother's ashes. What the hell is he going to do with them?
2) My children do not understand why they no longer see Pawpa. They ask me all the time, why doesn't pawpa come to see us anymore? It's quite sad.

jackie241
April 20th, 2006, 11:59am
I wish that my late sister's husband had waited longer to remarry...yes,I do want him to be happy butttttt he was talking to a "former"girlfriend within days of my sister dying.It was and is very hurtful to their children and my sisters and myself.Come to find out later,he had been seeing her long before my sister died...it has caused a big rift with their kids because they take it as a personal affront to their mother's memory...it also hurts to see and hear about the way he treats this woman...he treats her the way that Judy always wanted and deserved to have been treated.We are coming up on the 3 year anniversary of her death and it still bothers me at how quickly he moved on.

seadawg65
April 20th, 2006, 12:03pm
My previous wife died of cancer. She fought it almost 3 years. We were told she had less than 6 months about 5 months before she passed. The last couple months were the hardest watching her slowly waste away and suffer every day. By the time she passed it was actually a relief to know she was not suffering anymore. Like some have said you mentally and emotionally prepare yourself for their passing when you know it is coming. I remarried 9 months after and am happy as I have ever been. Do not judge others unless you have personally experienced what they have because you cannot understand any other way.

Suann47
April 20th, 2006, 12:06pm
Everyone is different but I waited 2 years after my husband was killed in an automobile accident to remarry!

blueladythings
April 20th, 2006, 12:20pm
Many times spouse have agreements reagarding this. I would want my husband to remarry quickly so he could have a great life. There is no glory in living in grief or solitude.

bkang
April 20th, 2006, 12:24pm
It is different for every person, so there is no time limit. My grandmother never let go of her husband he died 39 years ago, and she just passed this past Feb. But I've known others who got involved right away and others who have waited, it just depends for them. When my finance died, I waited a few years, until I could handle it. He may have jumped into one to forget the pain, its really hard to say, but if he is happy I would think your friend is looking down happy knowing that he is not alone.

valcal
April 20th, 2006, 12:30pm
Your story sounds like my dad. My mom was dying of cancer and my dad would get her medicne at a local pharmacy. Low and behold my dad began having an affair with a clerk there (at the time I did not know). I would be there taking care of my mom and my dad would leave daily and return after 2:00pm. Come to find out that is when she went to work. I was very close to my mother and it was a very painful time for me. My mom died on September 15th and by Thankgiving he wanted her to be invited to all the events. I did not accept her very well and was not ready for it. She convinced my dad to have nothing to do with me. She also has my moms antiques in her home which were heirlooms from my moms side of the family that should have went to me and all my moms momentos. She is one selfish woman. The sick part is that her previous husband was driven to shoot himself in the head on New Years the previous year. I can see why she is a control freak. What kind of woman makes you choose between your children and her playing on his greiving emotions? They were married eight months after my mother died.




Now THAT is totally wrong!!!!! I'd rather see someone get married or find love, then die from a broken heart. That happens a lot. BUT....not BEFORE the spouse is gone.

sugarfruit
April 20th, 2006, 12:35pm
I was 37 when my husband suddenly died. I barely existed for 1 1/2 years after that until one day my teenage son asked "Mom when are you going to start living again?". Boy, did that hit home. I started going out (besides work, of course) by myself to a local private club my family belonged to. I had lots of offers to date, but it just wasn't time for me at that time. I had my first date 2 yrs. after my husband died. Two months later, I found my current S/O and we have been together for over 10 years and have a beautiful daughter.

buckeyegirl
April 20th, 2006, 12:37pm
My dad died at 49 of cancer and friends of my mothers and fathers introduced her to this guy.and she remarried within the year. Needless to say, he is a control freak, and we think he wanted a live in maid and of course all of my mothers assets. We pressured her to make a prenuptual and so glad we did. They have been married 18 years already. But my mom has not
had the happy life we would have wanted for her. My father treated her well.But some people do not like to live alone, so they will put up with all kind of jerks. I reccomend waiting at least a year, maybe 2. Men only think below the belt so they are usually unable to wait or they explode.LOL :mad2: :mad2:

msbabedoll
April 20th, 2006, 12:40pm
From experience here I can tell you there is NO set time limit. It depends on that person and life. Let me also tell you that it's SO hard for the spouse who is left behind when they do this because you get ridiculed by so many.

My husband was murdered in May of 2003. I was devistaed. I married him when I was 16 years old and he was the love of my life. We had two kids together and I thought a great marriage. When he was suddenly gone, I was totally lost. I felt alone, I felt abandoned, I felt scared. I really did not think I would EVER EVER find anyone to love me like he did. We had something special. I had knew my husband I have now, but had never met him. (he was a local DJ) But I talked with him and he was a great support person. I met him a month after James died, and I guess it was love at first sight. We started seeing each other not long after that and you would not believe all the crap I got from people, and the rumors that started. In my opinion people should just mind their own business. Its not like the person who lost the loved one is not hurting enough, than to bring them down more because they found someone to help them through this terrible time. If your a friend, then be supportive but keep your comments to yourself.

As for me, we made it through all the rumors, and showed all the people who said he was taking advantage of my situation and who thought we would not make it. My daughter had a hard time with it, but we talked alot and I was honest with her, we seen a counsoler and we have made it. Scott and I got married January 7th of 2005, my daughter has excepted him and is happy for us.

Just remember your friend has been through alot. There is alot of healing and if this person he's found helps him with that, then be supportive. It DOES NOT mean he did not love his late wife.

Sorry this was so long...........

Jen

mjlj8
April 20th, 2006, 12:41pm
me and my dh married a year and 4 months after his wife passed we started dating 4 months after she passed so i see no problem with it

sparkleygem
April 20th, 2006, 12:43pm
I think it's only natural for you and your friend's son to be upset. But, I'm thinking that he couldn't deal with the pain, and was trying to cope?

Like some people lose a beloved pet and quickly get another? If my baby dog died, I wouldn't even want to look at another dog, but people cope with things differently.

I mean, it is entirely possible that he just wasn't very affected by her death, but I guess we can't really know that.

sparkleygem
April 20th, 2006, 12:53pm
How long was she ill? Many people go through the grieving period while their spouse is still alive, if the spouse is seriously ill for a very long time...its like they lose their spouse as they knew them, and spend a long time with this very sick "stranger" (I know I sure changed when I became ill :frown3: Major difference). Its hard to explain...
I think that is also very true. It must be very difficult. I think that for some, the illness, and watching their loved one die is just so so torturous to deal with, that they just want the pain for both of them to end. It's very exhausting, and total agony - sometimes for years. And sometimes, it's actually a bit of a relief when it's all over. Their loved one is no longer suffering, and they no longer have to watch the pain and suffering. It's a very long, horrible, agonizing, exhausting process. And like viokasegirl said, if the spouse was terminal, the survivor likely grieved for a very long time during the illness.

pharaoh
April 20th, 2006, 12:57pm
What Time Is It

sparkleygem
April 20th, 2006, 12:59pm
She had cancer 10 years prior to its return. She had it for about 2 1/2 years before claiming her life. They were saying up until about a month before her death that she would beat it and she dind't get really bad until about 3 months before.

That's what He said to me was that they were so happy and that is why he could remarry so soon. I also thought that maybe it could be part of his grieving or couping process. I don't want to begrudge him happiness. It just fells like to me that she has been replaced. Maybe I am greiving more than the lose of her but everything that came with her.
When someone passes, it does make it seem more like they're totally gone, when their 'things' are gone too. So, I understand your feelings on that.

After my FIL passed, we were unable to get rid of anything of his. We lived with all of his old clothes, and even alot of his clutter, for 2 years before we could finally let any of it go. There are still alot of things we hold onto, but we finally got rid of his underwear (yes, we even kept those, but a small part of it was that I didn't want to touch them to get rid of them) and his clothes, and old electronic appliance that were ancient and didn't even work.

But, when we moved into his house, it bacame our home, and it was pretty upsetting for me, because it made it feel like he was 'more' gone. if that makes any sense.

pteilman
April 20th, 2006, 1:04pm
I think it depends on the person. I was horrified when my Mom started dating about six weeks after my dad died. Of course, my mom was relatively young (47) and had always had a man to depend on. Unfortunately, she went through a string of losers and finally married one of them about 4 years ago. That marriage only lasted 7 months and she's finally learned she is fine on her own.

Anyway, I was terribly upset to see her dating so soon. She told me that she and my dad had discussed it and he didn't want her to be lonely. I guess I wouldn't have been so upset if she had found a nice guy.

ResourcePress
April 20th, 2006, 1:15pm
Someone I knew got remarried within 6 months. It seems a bit early to me, but I am not in their shoes.

leah91
April 20th, 2006, 1:30pm
Our family had a similar experience when my grandma died back in '95, and my grandfather remarried 6 months later. They had been married for 50 years.

At the time, we were still grieving, and it was very painful because it felt like he was disrespecting my grandmother's memory.
Family and friends grieve too, and it is hard to watch a widow or widower find another partner so soon. -- I was downright sick!. We were all horrified by the situation, but of course it was not our choice to make, and the pain and grieving eventually diminished so that we could be happy for him. It took a while, though.

It's not that we didn't want him to be happy, and we knew he was lonely and miserable without her. I don't think that this other woman could have ever taken the place of my grandmother, or taken the place of a 50 year old marriage.

Since then, I have seen MANY men remarry quickly after a spouse dies, as I meet many people every day in my professional business. I am not saying that women don't. But reading these posts also seems to show more stories of men. I don't claim to know what that means, but I find it interesting.

dznylvr2
April 20th, 2006, 1:50pm
Speaking from experience here..... I was married for 20 years and was only 39 when my husband died of cancer. I waited a year before I started dating, but I had 3 kids and I felt that it was respectful of them to wait.

I remarried 3-1/2 years later. I can't say that I wouldn't have done it sooner if we had both been ready. But, we weren't and so, we waited.

It is TOTALLY up to the person who is involved. There is NO ONE that can say for another what is appropriate and what is not. Everyone has their own feelings and needs and must do what they feel is right.

If someone has a happy marriage, I've heard that they are quicker to remarry. Also, men would seem to remarry quicker.

There is no "mold" that everyone will fit into regarding this subject. There are so many factors and variables involved in each situation.

As long as that person is happy, that is what matters. I'm sure that the spouse that passes away would want them to be happy and not sit around and wait until "others" feel that something is appropriate.

theowreys
April 20th, 2006, 1:50pm
I read somewhere that people who had a happy, loving marriage actually remarry quicker than those who don't. They know what a good relationship is and aren't afraid to start another one. Also, no one can say how long one person should grieve for another. Would you want someone to dictate that to you? The dead person is gone and never coming back. It's not like a divorce where the relationship has a chance of being rekindled. Everyone should have a chance at happiness again.

I too have read this.

DebMarGal
April 20th, 2006, 1:51pm
but....your memory is YOUR memory.

If someone chooses to date after 6 months, and you feel they are disrespecting the memory of the deceased... they cannot project and disrespect the memory that YOU have.

Your memory is your memory, no matter what anyone else does, and no one can change that by whatever they do.

Each person is different. I may respect the memory of my deceased FOR MYSELF by lighting a candle every day, greiving for 10 years, or living life. Its different for everyone.

As someone pointed out, vows are "till death do us part". It doesnt say "even after death do us part". The vows themself seem to indicate that people do need people, and we should continue to love even after people in our lives have passed.

On your deathbed, are you ever going to look back and regret that you loved again?

If I was 70, and a spouse of 30 years passed and I found someone new that I loved, and had 10 years with them - I would never look back and think "shoot, I should have not spend the last 10 years of my life loving someone"

Material things come and go. Love and friendship are what is important.

How horrible to be going through the loss of a spouse, then have your family turn on you because "they do not approve". They are not the ones lying there in a lonely bed every night without someone to hold.

Thank god I have the kind of friends and family who wouldnt judge me for finding happiness again, should I be in that position.

meikman
April 20th, 2006, 2:11pm
I too find it so interesting how we react to situations. Before when this subject would come up I was like many of you. The person left behind needs to move on it doesn't make them a bad person or the person gone a bad person. My husbands mother died some time ago of cancer also and himself and the brother and sister insisted that their Dad start dating again and it was within a month of her death. Well finally he did it was about a year and half latter and they dated for another 1 1/2 before she moved in with him. When she did the sibling hated her and thought it was horrible, I came in the pituce about 5 years after this and the family still disliked her and bad mouth her. I then couldn't understand their views, they are the ones that pushed him into dating and this women is a very nice, good person.

Now that the shoe is on the other foot for me I struggle with both feelings. I dont say this guy is wrong or a bad person. The one thing that really upset me was when the son heard about the other women he was very upset and to couldn't grasp what was going on with his Dad. He vocalized it to him and his Dad told him that if he didn't except his then new girlfriend then he would just be out of the family that he would no longer be invited to any family gatherings. I thought this to be so wrong. I think on both sides feelings should be consider and as my friends son he has the right to grieve just as much as his Dad. Not to say that the sons griefe should change the course for his Dad but should be consider.

I think my problem is that I just wish ( knowing it can't be) things were the way they were. This person was more than just a friend, she was 15 years older than me and I think of her like a mother, my moral compass, the one person that I could always count on. I fell less of a person without her.

BabyLeaps
April 20th, 2006, 3:16pm
maybe it was HER dieing wish for him to be happy again and move on after shes gone, you dont know that..

That is entirely possible!

I was feeling guilty, dating again after being widowed, until my late husband's best friend, Damon, took me aside. He told me that two days before my husband died, while I was trying to catch a short nap and Damon was sitting with my husband, Dwayne told him that he wanted Damon to be sure that I had a good, happy life, with no regrets. The timing of hearing this was incredible--I needed that caveat to move forward, and to try to be happy again.

My first FIL and my sister would've been very happy to never have me date anyone, EVER. They knew what a great marriage I'd had the first time around, and expected me to wear widows weeds and mourn forever. Well, I still mourn, but because of my new family (see picture of exhibit A as my avatar) I can breathe in and out and smile, too :)

jesslag
April 20th, 2006, 11:15pm
I would hope my husband would move on as soon as he feels ready, and not care what others think. I would just want him and my children to be happy and well taken care of.

aycorn
April 20th, 2006, 11:53pm
As long as the widow(er) has made peace with the death there is no waiting period.. its strictly up to the individual when he/she feels she's ready to take that step and date or remarry.

I do think if there are small children involved (14 and under) the widow/widower should make sure THEY are ready to accept someone into their life to step into the role of the deceased parent.

good question.. great responses too

gemini lion
April 21st, 2006, 5:24am
I do. It's totally disrespectful....there are other family members involved. Maybe they should think about them too, besides themselves, and how they would feel.

So he should pass up an opportunity for happiness? I think to imply that he was cheating on his wife with this woman is pretty harsh.

VALENTINE
April 21st, 2006, 6:33am
Personally I think 6 months to a year is much more appropriate, not because of disrespect to the former spouce or to mourn excessively. I just think that mourning, like dating or marriage, isn't something anyone should really rush.

If the man rushed to re-marry after only 30 days, it's highly possible that either he was cheating before the spouce passed or else he is stuck in some kind of emotional roller coaster shock from being alone and is feeling needy, either way he may just regret rushing things.

DH and I had a good friend that passed last August '05, her surviving hubby had always in the past been the perfect well mannered man.
My Dh and I visited with him daily to help ease his greiving but for some reason he got to saying smutty things, telling inappropriate sex jokes and he even seemed like he wanted to steal me from my DH! Offering me expensive gifts too!
It is easy to see thet he wasn't in his right state of mind but he was so aggressivly chasing me, we finally had to cut ties with him and we had known him since the 70's. He was well off his rocker and making bad judgment calls and that began only 14 days of his wifes passing!

I don't think I could ever re-marry if my husband passed away on me. There is no other man in this world better, sweeter, kinder and more loving than he is. I would easily grieve for decades upon decades.

MrsM
April 21st, 2006, 7:09am
So he should pass up an opportunity for happiness? I think to imply that he was cheating on his wife with this woman is pretty harsh.

I personally think something's wrong if someone gets married right away after losing a spouse. I lost my mom 2 years ago and my father coudl NEVER think of marrying another woman, even now, let alone 6 months later.

So yes, cheating could be a big part of it, not for all, but for some.

MrsM
April 21st, 2006, 7:11am
I find it hard for someone to be "happy" a couple months after losing a long-term spouse. Happiness is not the right word. Maybe loneliness.

kmesh
April 21st, 2006, 7:35am
My grandfather remarried about a year after my grandmother died, they had been married for almost 50 blissfully happy years. He was in his 70's when he remarried, and the woman he married had also been with her husband for a long while. She unfortunately passed away a year and a half ago from cancer. He's now in his late 80's. I know everyone was a little upset about it, but we think he just needed to be with a partner. WHen he passes, he will still be laid to rest with my grandmother, as his 2nd wife was laid to rest with her husband. Sometimes I feel like it was a really great friendship, and that they needed each other.


They will both be buried next to their first spouses. and the friendship thing, I totally agree!

jofo3511
April 21st, 2006, 7:58am
They will both be buried next to their first spouses. and the friendship thing, I totally agree!


My mother will not be laid to rest with her first husband, my dad.

She will be buried next to my step-father.

gemini lion
April 21st, 2006, 8:16am
I find it hard for someone to be "happy" a couple months after losing a long-term spouse. Happiness is not the right word. Maybe loneliness.


I think it was more then a couple of months. I thought it was closer to a year. I am sure that lonliness played a huge part. But having a companion probably does make him happy. I think all situations are different. If someone married just a couple of months after the death of a spouse I could understand where one might think they had been cheating all along.

Della825
April 21st, 2006, 8:36am
Personally if I was to pass away, I could only hope that my husband would find someone else. I would want him to be happy. It would be better for him to remarry in less than a year than not at all, I truly believe in the pre-grieving process in long illnesses. When we lost my grandfather over almost exactly 1 year ago, most of us had already come close to completeing the greiving process as he spent 2 1/2 years in bed sick with prostrate cancer. His death came as a relief to us in a way. We were tired of seeing him suffer, he was so weak and in so much pain and they couldn't do anything for him except drug him up on morphine to keep him comfortable, with all the narcotics, he wasn't the same. It was as if he'd already left. If I were in the same situation as OP I would congratulate him on finding someone to share and go on with his life with. He will still have many precious memories of his first wife.

reveilletx
April 21st, 2006, 9:11am
I believe that only the surviving spouse knows the answer to that. After seeing a woman I know become extremely bitter and making her daughter and son in laws lives full of stress, I want to ask her why she is making them suffer for a decision that she alone has made by her refusal to continuine living a joyful life after a grieving period. There is a difference in feeling the need to remarry and just giving up on life.
My husband has been gone almost 6 years. For about 8 months I grieved, then I decided to begin living again. Whether this included another man or not has been my choice. While I am not married, I have been in a long term relationship with a wonderful man for about 4 1/2 years now.
I know of some people who have rushed into relationships and married only to be disappointed when the other person does not turn out to have the same qualities as their late spouse, but at least they are living. Yes we may all make mistakes, but I truely believe that is better than just giving up.

ladcraig
April 21st, 2006, 9:11am
My grandparents were happily married for 54 years before my grandma passed away. My grandpa remarried 1 1/2 years later and a lot of people are still angry at him about that. When he first starting "courting" the new lady as he called it, he told all of his children - not to ask permission, but as a sign of respect. He didn't want them to learn from someone else. He handled it well and since I saw him often and knew just how sad and lonely he was, I was actually relieved when he starting seeing her. That isn't to say, that I was thrilled, but I honestly can say that if it hadn't been for the new lady I don't think my grandpa would have lived much longer. He was that lonely.

lassss
April 21st, 2006, 10:10am
After reading this thread, I talked with my BF last night at dinner about it. He told me the following: He will always love his wife, but after she passed, he had wants and needs that his kids, family, friends could NOT fullfil. He wanted compansionship, yes it was nice getting out with friends, but most of his friends were married and had someone to go home to. He wanted that special relationship between a man and a woman and he did not want to be alone.

We met 8 months after his wife passed and hit it off immediately. We dated for 3 years before deciding to move in together and I will admit his oldest daughter was not pleased, but then again she couldn't accept change. His youngest daughter and I get along fine and my son gets along with everybody.

It really is up to the individual who lost a love one to decide when the right time is.

vtvixen469
April 21st, 2006, 10:58am
What I think is appalling are the people who are so vehemently against getting remarried in under a year. :worry:

As long as the relationship started after the spouse died (meaning, no extramarital affair involved) then I don't really think it matters to anyone else except the two people involved. I can see how some people would never want to remarry, and I can see how some people would want to remarry right away.
I like your way of thinking Venus. So many people just assume that some one had to be cheating when they remarry quickly. I have seen all kinds, widows who never remarry and merry widows who are remarried in a year. When you are eyeball deep in grief what had been just a casual friendship can blossom into something else. Also as people get older they tend to move faster in relationships because they know that time is short.

Gosh what would some say to a parent who lost a child...."You have to wait a year before you can love your other children, or have another child"??? Life is for the living to be lived. You can't live for the dead, you can remember, you can love, you can grieve, you can even be angry they are gone....but you can't live just for them.

My mom's best friend had been divorced from her only husband for two years, but when he heard she was sick (cancer) he remarried her. He took such good care of her, you would have never known they had divorced. I was so impressed. She passed in March and he is planning a Sept. wedding. What do you say in that situation? She knew the lady he had been living with and wanted him to marry her. He married my mom's friend so she could get better medical care, she married him hoping with better medical care she could beat her cancer.

It is such a hard, personal question that really no one can say what is acceptable for someone else. I lost a fiancee to a drunk driver one week before we were to be married. I was lost for a year. But the second I laid eyes on Dh I knew he would be something special in my life. We met in October, got married in February. Twelve years later there are still days I hear a song that reminds me of Jeff and I bawl like a baby. I see a car like he drove and sob! Sometimes life throws us a curveball and you have to make lemonade with it. :halo:

blueladythings
April 21st, 2006, 11:08am
I say the sooner the better. Grief can become a way of life, and once a pattern is established it is hard to change. I also re-state....a husband and wife share many intimate moments that others are not privy too. If they have a pre-arranged agreement supporting the other moving on with their life, they should. As for what others think, they don't owe an explanation to anyone regarding those intimate conversations.

Dottie
April 21st, 2006, 11:16am
:gvibes: My Mom would not even think of dateing or anything for over a year and then my Dad's Mom came to stay with us and made my Mom go out. She was pushing her. She did not want Mom to morn forever. She even kind of helped pick out my stepfather. Who is a wonderfull Dad.

Defenderofthefaith
April 21st, 2006, 11:36am
I think that people shouldn't be judging other people about this. About pregrieving, I have done that and that is why I am ready to date again. Even though my husband didn't die, the relationship did and no one should really judge me or anyone else about things like this. That person's wife is dead, and someone else has said, life is for the living. He deserves to be comforted and feel joy. I wish him and his new love much happiness.

blueladythings
April 21st, 2006, 11:48am
I think that people shouldn't be judging other people about this. About pregrieving, I have done that and that is why I am ready to date again. Even though my husband didn't die, the relationship did and no one should really judge me or anyone else about things like this. That person's wife is dead, and someone else has said, life is for the living. He deserves to be comforted and feel joy. I wish him and his new love much happiness.


I totally agree. And also....some people aren't able to walk through life alone.....is it better they die of a broken heart or find someone who can help mend it.

PGRIFF
April 21st, 2006, 11:54am
a friend of mine died of breast cancer,several years ago ,diagnosed at stage 4, I saw her a few days a week during her treatment ,she made me promise to help her husband,find someone after she was gone ,for him and their kids. she wanted their life to be full and good . I said yes....but I was in denial, the end came . I think of her often. and yes ,he married a wonderful woman, at the wedding in her vows she honored the importance of our friends life memories.there wasn't a dry eye in the place , we knew her dying wish came true.

DebMarGal
April 21st, 2006, 11:59am
I personally think something's wrong if someone gets married right away after losing a spouse. I lost my mom 2 years ago and my father coudl NEVER think of marrying another woman, even now, let alone 6 months later.

So yes, cheating could be a big part of it, not for all, but for some.

My dear friend died of cancer and less than a year her husband remarried. It took me by surprise. It actually really upset me. I thought they had a good relationship. To me it was like she didn't even matter. They had been married for about 30 years. So why the rush? Within a month of her death, her son came home to hear his Dad laughing it up with this women over the phone. Needless to say doo doo hit the fan.

Would you be upset? How long is approiate?


The post that started this thread - she never said the man married within the first month, just that he had started talking to someone within a month.

DebMarGal
April 21st, 2006, 12:04pm
I totally agree. And also....some people aren't able to walk through life alone.....is it better they die of a broken heart or find someone who can help mend it.


I totally agree. I dont have any statistics at hand, but I have heard, that after the death of spouse, after a long, long marriage, often the surviving spouse gives up and passes much sooner than they would have otherwise, sometimes within a year.

jaklackus
April 21st, 2006, 12:17pm
My husband can't even sleep alone in bed....how can I expect him to live alone and have no one to turn to for any length of time? My husband is the poster child for NEEDY. If I were to die tomorrow....I fully expect him to be dating within a month and married within two...because he would need to find someone to keep himself sane in order to be a good father to our children...if he did not find companionship he is the type to get depressed and I would not want to risk my children being alone because I expect to be worshipped after my death...believe me I'm not treated with such reverence now why should it be any different after I'm gone..he's going to need someone to keep track of his underwear then too.

If my husband died suddenly I would not remarry right away , but I would probably start dating again within 6 months time after I've had time to think ....I'm not sure I'd be so quick to remarry because I'm just not the marrying kind..I married DH because he needed the rings and the piece of paper and I just needed him to stop bugging me about it.

I love how women are high and mighty on this topic...we all have needs...I do not think that men have anything like the battery operated boyfriends that we have(otherwise my husband would already have one)...of course we can sit and pine away forever over our dead spouses as long as we keep buying batteries.

bjdotson
April 21st, 2006, 12:32pm
I hope, if it comes to that, that My wife meets somebody nice at my funeral. Of course, if he treats her bad; I'm coming back to straighten him out.

7facials
April 21st, 2006, 12:36pm
I really want to thank you all for your insights. I lost my beloved brother Mario to a surfing accident 7 months ago today. His wife of 16 years has already been dating for 2 months. I have had mixed emotions, from it's a slap in the face, to I want her to be happy and take care of my newphews, 2 teenage boys.

I think this is a great thread on grief, and it certainly happens to all of us. It is nice to see peoples views.

Thank you.

Marilena
April 21st, 2006, 12:37pm
i have heard men who had good marriages move on faster...why??? because they want and need the companionship and love...i i wouldnt be hurt just be happy he has someone to take care of him and love him... my grandpa been alone for 7 years and he is miserable... my grandma was his life... she was so sick the last 3 years of his life he took it to mean it was his fault... he is now 90 and i dont see him moving on... but if he did i think it would make us (and my dear aunt who takes care of him) happier...

maui1311
April 21st, 2006, 12:43pm
I think that decision should be left up to the remaining spouse, not to the family members or friends.

JH33194
April 21st, 2006, 1:05pm
My SIL's DH passed away in December. He was ill for about 2 years and they weren't happy, I don't think she was ever really happy. They have 4 children together and she is already in another relationship. I don't think it's wrong for her to be in another relationship so soon, she deserves to be happy...but, she moved the guy in as soon as she started dating him. She had known him for years but it was way to soon for their children. Yes, they had not had a real relationship in years but the children still just lost their father. :frown3:

jaklackus
April 21st, 2006, 1:25pm
My grandfather died of a broken heart...he refused to move on and just let himself go...he was so pitiful and sad...I would never expect anyone to live like that for two years of for two weeks....some people just need someone sitting in the recliner next to them during this time on earth.


Are people's fears about getting remarried somehow related to their beliefs in heaven or the afterlife? I'm beginning to think that some people feel that you should live with the memory because you are still going to be married in heaven and anything that happens on earth after you die might keep your spouse from meeting back up with you after that spouse dies ....maybe you can love more than one in heaven...."Hello God ....I'd like you to meet my second wife Gertrude..we were married for 4 years before I passed on.......and of course you remember Helen my first wife from the Christmas party 2 years ago....she made the jello mold with the pineapple in it...Helen just loved chocolate birthday cake that you had made for Jesus."
Do you think women's fear of their husband's moving on is somehow related to their fear of not having him back in heaven? How does this relate to people's feeling about how soon is too soon after a divorce?

Hhhyyyddd
April 21st, 2006, 1:55pm
I don't think there is any right answer to this question.

I've been with my b/f for six years now, if I died tomorrow I would want him to find someone else ASAP, I cannot stand the idea of him being sad and lonely.

maui1311
April 21st, 2006, 4:07pm
HhhYyyddd......I so agree.