View Full Version : Splitting up with my husband
February 1st, 2005, 11:26pm
Hubby & I are splitting up after almost 28 years together. Don't get me wrong, this was my idea. We don't have anything in common anymore except our kids & grandkids. He is emotionally abusive. He has in the past been physically abusive & I think he still has the potential for violence. I am afraid of him. I've got a temporary no contact order in place at this time & have to go to court on Monday to make it permanent, which is actually only for a year. I've also talked to a lawyer reference getting divorced & I'm going to see him again to set it in motion.
But the thing is I'm scared. Change scares me. This is going to cost some money & I know I'm not going to improve financially. Things are going to be rough for awhile. I'm the one that will probably be hurt the most financially by all this. Hubby is on social security disability, so now since he won't have my income he will qualify for all types of assistance. I on the other hand will be the one paying the lawyer, etc.
Our sons moved some of his things out tonight. He's got an apartment. I guess that makes it pretty permanent. I've got to keep telling myself that it is for the best. I should have done this along time ago. If a friend would have treated me the way he treats me, they would no longer be my friend. Therefore, he should no longer be my husband.
What I need is a divorce support group. Anyone know of anything like that.
Just needed to vent.
February 1st, 2005, 11:30pm
i cant help ya with any info on a divorce support group Jan but i do hope your life improves now that hubby is out :) ---- good luck young lady :gvibes:
February 1st, 2005, 11:39pm
I think it took great courage to finally stand up for yourself and get out! FYI I met my DH when he was 48 so your life is not over the best is yet to be. You can do anything you want to do and you have the courage to do it! Be thankful you don't have little ones in tow and a family that is behind you. Let them and us help you through this. I know change is hard and I'm sure you have had your share of hard times. I don't know anything about divorce but I would contact a woman's shelter or support network and they should be able to point you in the right direction. Good Luck and God Bless!!
February 1st, 2005, 11:39pm
I know you did something very difficult, but you should be proud of yourself. No one should have to live in a bad situation. Its going to be hard, but you'll come out just fine! Just think of the relief you'll feel not to have to walk on eggshells around someone else. I know that a lot of churches in my area have divorce support groups. Maybe you could check into that? Good luck in the coming days. :gvibes:
February 1st, 2005, 11:40pm
I'm sorry to hear of your situation but if you know it will never change your probably doing the right thing. I know 28 years is a long time but I promise you will survive it. My Dad divorced my Mom after 43 years of marriage and 7 years later she is doing wonderful and is happier and healthier then I've seen her in years! She no longer has to worry about where Dad is or what he's doing and with whom and she only has herself to consider and enjoys her freedom very much.
Time really does heal. Blessings to you.
Feel free to PM me if you'd like to chat.
February 1st, 2005, 11:41pm
Here where I live, we have "Divorce Recovery" groups that provide emotional support as well as much needed advise. Some churches do too.
I've been Divorced. It's hard. The change, the lonliness, everything can become so overwhelming. I'd love to be your friend. Someone you can talk to when noone is around to make noise in the house, when you feel totally abandoned by your friends because "noone wants to take sides". I'd like to be the person you go to for a hug, or just a comforting voice when the world seems to sh!t on you.
Please feel free to PM me. Please know that the people here, do genuinly care. Please know that YOU are special, and loved.
February 1st, 2005, 11:50pm
Just posting this & reading all of your responses is helping.
I haven't told my parents or siblings yet. The kids of course all know & are pretty supportive. The stepkids are even supportive.
I'm dreading telling my parents. My mother will feel sorry for me & I hate pity.
February 2nd, 2005, 8:13am
Take care of yourself and try to keep busy with something you like to do. I wish only good things for your future -- like friends who are GOOD people who care about you. You deserve that!
February 2nd, 2005, 8:20am
I applauded your courage. It will be hard but you will be happy and thats something money cant buy all the time.
February 2nd, 2005, 8:48am
You should be proud. Sounds like you put alot of effort into that marriage and I applaud you for knowing that's it's just not healthy for you anymore. You shouldn't have to live like that. It will be hard, but you will love your freedom so much. God Bless.
February 2nd, 2005, 9:16am
Courtooms don't really solve many problems....I've found being on both sides of several lawsuits that all parties will eventually need to "agree to disagree" anyway, so the sooner the better. In other words, you know your goal is to be seperated and divorced, right? It's in your best interest to NOT further estrange or polarize your "no longer D....H" because it will make it harder. This might be a time to use a little diplomacy and salesmanship...sometimes you don't get a hog in the pen with a lot of yelling. Carrot vs. stick....
For instance, here in CA there are "no fault, no fight" divorce forms available for around $150, and I'm pretty sure the same exisits for Iowa. You two agree on the particulars, declare that the division of property is uncontested, and file the papers with a small filing fee. With my buddy who's gone through it...as long as both sides play fair...it works fine. So it would behoove both of you to cowboy up and find a way to gracefully exit the marriage without melodrama (and VERY expensive witnesses).
Even if you do need to hire an attorney and sue for divorce (what's his name refuses to go quietly) you should STILL resist the impulse to make it about punishing or blaming him (regardless of how crappy he has or may act) because until the last t is crossed, and the last stick of your furniture is divided up...you simply do not need anyone to dig in their heels. We've all seen the tv dramas in which divorce lawyers polarize the parties, and escalate the hostilities. Certainly that is television, and probably most often the "been there, done that" experience of lawyers lead them to keep everyone's heads cool. But beyond the cost issues, just be aware that it is YOUR life, YOUR decisions and YOUR judgement that will be asserted and tested....don't readily just turn that over to a paid consultant (lawyer). Hire one if you need to, but remain in the drivers seat, if you can remain fit to drive.
"But he said / she said"......................forget it. Get what you want....leave the rest behind.
February 2nd, 2005, 9:34am
I'm sorry to hear about this MrsWW, you will be in my
prayers, and hope things get much better for you soon.
Please take care.
February 2nd, 2005, 4:01pm
Look in your phone book for domestic abuse or womens shelters-they can point you in thr right direction on who to talk to. My ex fiance hit me 1x...i didn't wait around for a second time. You said that you are afraid of change? Everyone has a time in their life when they have to make a tough decision or change in their life. Think of all the military familes who have to constantly pack up and move to different towns...often not knowing a single person. I think u are doing the right thing...now you just have to believe it too!
February 2nd, 2005, 4:13pm
Hang in there! You shouldn't have to live in fear. Just be aware that the most dangerous time for a woman is when she leaves an abusive man. Plenty of men could care less about a no contact order. Just be careful, and I'd also recommend checking in with a domestic abuse group.
I know nothing of Iowa law, but here in Montana, if you have been abused, that's about the only time you can get free help through legal services for a divorce. Check into that, and maybe you can get a no cost divorce, or they can find you a lawyer to take it pro bono or at a reduced fee perhaps?
I find it quite common that women in their forties or so who have raised their families, divorce their husbands. Often, the husband claims to have no clue it was coming. Perhaps you could start anew, maybe by going back to school? You have a lot of life ahead of you!
February 2nd, 2005, 4:35pm
Thanks everyone for all the kind words & encouragement. I will be okay. In Iowa a domestic abuse advocate goes with you to court for getting the no contact order temporary to permanent. From what the kids have said, soon to be ex is all psyched about getting his new apartment, so maybe he will just fade away without too much trouble. I'd love to make this go as smoothly as possible.
I will be okay. I have been the main breadwinner for the past several years. I've got a decent job with good benefits. I know I can support myself because I've supported both of us for quite awhile now with very little help from him.
I will be okay.
February 2nd, 2005, 9:47pm
Yes, you will be Okay, no you'll be better than Okay - you'll do great. It will be hard, I'm sure, but you sound like you've really thought about this for a long time and I know you know it's for the best. Good luck to you and your children and I hope you find some peace and happiness.
February 6th, 2005, 9:00am
It sounds like you are going through the pains but the healing is ahead. Please know that it may get worse before it gets better, but you have taken the hardest step. I haven't walked in your shoes but had some very similar ones. You are on your way to a happier place in life and deserve it.