View Full Version : DH started drinking again...
January 26th, 2005, 2:21pm
My DH was an alcoholic who had celebrated 10 years of sobriety in June 2002. He started drinking wine occasionally Jan of last year but now, even tho' he still only drinks wine(1 bottle/week) he is drinking at inappropriate times and is starting to worry me. For example, he now has a glass in the morning b4 work . I hate when people drink and drive.... :worry: OK--so he's over 200 pounds and six feet but I'm afraid someone will smell alcohol on his breath and he'll be fired... :frown3:
January 26th, 2005, 2:29pm
Sounds likE a he needs help....first thing in the morning before work seems like a problem to me...does he have a sponsor or any friends from AA that you can call for an intervention?
January 26th, 2005, 2:31pm
He needs an intervention now...and if he is going tobe a father again...you need it real soon.
January 26th, 2005, 2:33pm
Alanon can be a great help to you. Your support of yourself will do more to support his health than anything else. I wish you the support and courage with this challenge you face.
January 26th, 2005, 3:47pm
he needs a drink to get going in the morning - bad sign. Go to Alanon and get the support you need so that you can help him when he's ready. I know that you believe that marraige is forever but irresposibility , like this, that could forever negatively impact your family and children is a reason to leave. What would happen if he had his drink in the morning then drove one of your kids somewhere? What would you do if he killed your nextdoor neighbor? I have dealt with a chronic alcoholic. Something is going on in his world/brain that he doesnt want to deal with - 10 yrs of sobriety down the drain is a serious symptom. Prayers that God will lead you through this and you find some peace no matter the outcome
January 26th, 2005, 3:53pm
lissajean, now that he's drinking again, it's likely to escalate. Yes, you need to go to Alanon. You have children to worry about, and perhaps a baby on the way? I didn't see how that turned out.
Anyway, I sure can't tell you what to do, but rather than wait until things get worse, and they will, if my kids were small, I'd give him an ultimatum and then follow through. You go to treatment and/or AA, and quit drinking or I leave (or kick him out, whatever). He'll have to put up or shut up. And, don't get back with him until he does quit, if he does.
He is not worth a life of misery for you and the kids--living with an active alcoholic is just going to affect them negatively for the rest of their lives.
If it was just you, I'd say do what you have to; put up with him if your must, but you have kids here.
January 26th, 2005, 4:00pm
I agree it sounds like he needs help soon, and I really hope he is willing. Lissajean, I will be praying for your husband and your whole family. Please take care.
January 26th, 2005, 4:22pm
Bless your heart. It isnt normal to have a drink before going to work(although I think I need one most days) Talk to him. Threaten him if you have to ; just make him see he is SCREWING up big time :worry:
January 26th, 2005, 7:16pm
LisaJean, he really really needs some counseling and the sooner you get him help, the better. Lately, gauging by your posts, he is acting very depressed. Depression is a horrible disease as I think you are aware. The drinking is probably caused by the depression, not the reverse, as people often think. Please get him to see his doctor soon, before he goes too far.
January 26th, 2005, 8:41pm
Lissajean, I am so sorry for the stress you must be going through. I'm sorry to say that it sounds like this is going to escalate unless you put your foot down now. Meetings are a necessity when dealing with this type of problem. sometimes alcoholics think that after they are sober for awhile they no longer need meetings or sponsors, they are WRONG. Maybe he is depressed and self-medicating. He needs to find help with his depression or whatever is bothering him or he will easily fall back into the same old habits. Try and get some help for yourself too. I know it is difficult with children and a busy home life but if possible defintely take care of yourself. You can't control others but you can take care of you. My thoughts and prayers are with you. Good Luck and Good Vibes! :gvibes:
January 27th, 2005, 1:53am
Hi Lissajean...I'm sorry for all the stress you're under :( Seems you already have plenty to worry about without this, too.
My first husband (ex-husband now deceased) was an alcoholic....so is my father and so was my abusive ex-stepfather. Needless to say, I have issues with alcohol..I can have a drink at a wedding; my friends can drink around me, but I can't live with someone who drinks. When I married DH #2, he was also sober and had been for 7 years. I warned him in the beginning that I couldn't be with someone who drinks; I can't even be with someone who has a couple every few months, aka a social drinker...I'd leave before I ever put myself thru that again. About 4 years ago, my son was raped. When we found out, it apparently triggered my husband's drinking (or gave him a reason) although there were plenty of clues we were headed down that road beforehand (he quit going to AA meetings, he was ever-critical of the kids, everyone was an a$$hole, conversations were he'd mention he didn't think he was an alcoholic anymore :laugh: ). In the midst of getting my son counseling and getting some for myself (DH refused to go) and prosecuting the predator, I kept thinking he was drinking. I kept smelling alcohol and when I'd ask he'd act offended and angry :( He kept saying I was crazy and I started to believe that, too. I even told the counselor that I might be having olafactory hallucinations based on the stress of what happened to my son. I would go thru the garbage looking for evidence, and never found any. Finally, my son called me at work to tell me he caught dad with beer. I came home, confronted DH with the truth, packed all our clothes and moved out. Ultimatums are only good if you're willing to follow thru. DH had been drinking all along and was taking the empties and driving them to the gas station to throw them out when I wasn't home (damn, he was gooood). DH got counseling, went back to AA, and we both went for marriage counseling (I was very angry with him that he wasn't there for me when I was dealing with what happened to my son). He now has a new sobriety anniversary date and a far better outlook on life. And I didn't move back home until I was sure I could trust him again.
They say alcoholism is a disease....but it's one that infects the whole family :( Even though I have a jaded view of alcohol...I'm quite sure your fears are well-founded; it's not right to have a drink in the morning before you go to work whether it's wine, beer or a bloody mary. If your DH won't get help, you have some serious decisions to make...can you live with this? If you're not sure, then you need to talk to a therapist without DH. Someone who can help you make the decisions that are right for you and your kids. I think the one thing I've learned after all these years of dealing with the alcoholics in my life, is that, sometimes, no matter how hard you try, you can't change someone who isn't willing to change. All the pleading, threats, tears, won't make someone stop drinking who doesn't want to stop. The only person you can control is yourself; what you're willing to put up with, what you can't.
Best advice has already been given here....don't ignore what's happening or think it will get better...you've been on a collision course since he first picked up that bottle of wine and started drinking "just a bottle a week". Alcoholics become experts at hiding just how much they are really drinking. They are master manipulators. You may never really know the truth until he gets popped for a DUIA. If your DH was a true alcoholic before...he can never have another drink again...and he knows that if he's been thru AA. They never really have their drinking "under control"..they lie to themselves most of all.
I'm hoping things work out for you :gvibes: and praying that God gives you the strength to deal with whatever has to be dealt with.
January 27th, 2005, 5:22am
I too have been sober 7 or 8 years now, and I can totaly understand where you're coming from. It's only going to get worse. He needs to go back to meetings, or do whatever it is he did to keep him sober before. Maybe he's just a "dry drunk" and doesn't do anything for support, but he's definitely in relapse mode. He needs to get help now. Once I was sober for a year or two, started drinking again, and in ONE day, I was back to being a riproaring alcoholic. One Day!!!!
If you ever need to talk to someone who's "been there", you can PM me. Hang in there. My sponsor was over 10 years sober, and she was the last person I would think would relapse, but she did!!! I haven't spoken to her in a long time, so I hope she's ok, but she was bad off when I saw her last.
I've been in AA/Recovery for over 20 years, although I stopped going to meetings a few years back. I could write a book on the subject. Anyway, I could go on and on, so please write me if you need to talk, vent, or anything. :grouphug:
Edit: I used to have to drink first thing in the morning too just to get rid of the shakes, sweats and nausea. I couldn't get through the day without it. I've been over 3.5 points on the breathalyzer many times, in rehab many times, detox, support groups, you name it, I've done it. I only share these personal things when I feel it may help somebody. And even if your husband needs a fellow sufferer, and needs to talk to someone, I'm here for that too!! (((HUGS))))
January 27th, 2005, 10:30am
Thank you guys! :grouphug:
January 27th, 2005, 5:02pm
Oh Dear, you must be so stressed out over this. I don't have much knowledge about this sort of thing, but the others here seem to have given you the right advice and I sure do wish ya'll the best, and I hope he gets the care he needs to be well soon. :gvibes:
January 27th, 2005, 8:42pm
I hope you get everything straight... My prayers to you
January 27th, 2005, 10:59pm
I am sorry to hear of all your troubles. Hopefully he will stop and things will be better. Everyone has given you wonderful advice.
January 27th, 2005, 11:25pm
I hope things get better for you! Get DH the help he needs ASAP!!!! He will be mad for a while but it will be worth it for you and your family in the long run, good luck. :gvibes:
January 28th, 2005, 8:35am
I'm not really one to give advise but speaking from EXPERIENCE that glass of wine in the morning is a sure fine indication that something is terribly wrong. And I'm not trying to overly alarm you but my experience tells me that a glass of wine in the morning is more than likely followed up by something else. The last thing alcoholics want to do is lose that buzz. Good luck to you and I hope things get better soon. There's been a lot of good advise given here.
January 31st, 2005, 6:16pm
Sweetie, I wish I could be there to give you a hug, because I know how you feel. My boyfriend of 4 years is an alcoholic, and although besides that he is a wonderful person, it kills me to see him drink a 12 pack or more of beer every night. I worry about his health and his mental well being. He KNOWS he has a problem and has admitted it, but he just won't take the next step. Just before I met him he had a DUI so he knows not to drive when he drinks, and he doesn't wake up and drink, but every evening he drinks a lot and it makes him crazy. I wish I had some words of wisdom for you. The best thing I can say is to talk with your hubby when you are both relaxing and he is sober, and maybe tell him you are just concerned he will get pulled over or get into an accident. I really hope things work out for you!!! :grouphug: to you!
February 1st, 2005, 8:01am
I'm sorry this is happening in your life and I pray your DH will get the help he needs.
February 1st, 2005, 8:55am
lissajean I am sorry to hear about this going on in your life.
You cannot control what he does - it has to be him taking responsibility. The suggestion about alanon seems a good one. While you cannot control him or his drinking, you can find support for youself, to keep your self grounded and clear-headed about the situation.
Good luck to you and my thoughts go out to you.
February 1st, 2005, 11:30pm
I am very sorry. I know how it is to be in the situation you are in. My husband is a alcoholic and has been sober for 13 years. And forgetting how it was when he use to drink is something that can't be forgotten. And anyone that knows an alcoholic can tell you threats, putting your foot down, nothing works. They will only stop when they are ready too. I know its hard not to worry. I left my husband before he stopped, and it hadn't gotten to the point I couldn't sit back and watch him kill himself. And it was getting to much to bare as far as his drinking everything we had too. He hit bottom before he stopped.
Just take care of you and your children, go to Alanon meetings, get the support you need. Its hard living with an alcoholic, not just the drinking but that they have to have an enabler, a escape goat. And that alone can be hard. It can be mentally and physically draining as well.
I wish you the best of luck, only you know what you are willing to take and can take. I do hope he stops for his own good as well as yours.
February 2nd, 2005, 3:24pm
You are getting excellent advice especially in terms of going to Alanon meetings and support. Here's mine:
I chant Nam myoho renge kyo, and when you chant you change yourself for the better. When you are happier on the inside, the outside responds.
Anyway, I had been dealing with a compulsive eating disorder that medication for depression had little effect on. However, when I finally decided to use my practice to overcome it, I did. I chanted for 3 hours on Ocotober 31st to overcome the cause of the problem which was self hate. I'm happy to report that I no longer overeat and since Holloween, I've lost 15 pounds.
Please visit this website:
February 2nd, 2005, 11:03pm
Magoo, VERY well said. Kudo's to you for your very wise advise and god bless you for everything you've been through. I've been through the same hell. My DH is 10 years sober now, but we've been through the DUI's and the "hiding" it (several years ago). I even nodded my head when you said that you thought YOU were going nuts because you could smell it and your husband made you think you were crazy. Been there, did that. I spent many sleepless nights (at least 4 years) waiting for him to come home from where ever and hoping he didn't get another DUI or hurt himself or someone else. Came very, very close to leaving him the last time there was an incident. Is very, very true that you can't change an alcoholic...they have to decide to change themselves. Mine saw the writing on the wall and it has been peaceful and good for over 10 years. I made it known that I will never, ever put myself through that hell again and if it ever happens again, I'm goooone. Call me lucky, but on guard, even after 10+ years. And I'm 10 times stronger and better for it...sometimes I think my Mom was always right....adversity makes you stronger.